@pickpocket I only posted that quote because I couldn’t post the full article. You should read it.
First of all, just wanted to saw how thankful I am to find this forum. I loved my undergrad years at Stanford! While I realize I didn’t “take advantage” of everything Stanford has offered and chose a career at non-profit management (that I could have taken had I gone to state school), those four years were amazing and probably made me into a person I am today. I actually found it easier to study than my friends at Cal did - especially choosing classes: once we had too many students signing up for the same class and administration opened up a second class to accommodate everyone (my friends at Cal were feverishly dialing the phone to get the classes they wanted and complained they were too late and ended up with schedules they weren’t happy with. I did a BA in Econ, minor in International Relations and MS in Operations Research in 4 years - only saying this to confirm the fact that I probably wouldn’t be able to do that if I was limited in the classes I was allowed to take like my friends from Cal. So yes, naturally I’ve been hoping my daughter goes there, too (my daughter is still in 8th grade btw).
Main point - reading through this and other threads on CC I realized I should stop thinking of Stanford as a “dream school”- it was for me, but it may not be for my daughter. She needs to find her fit, and if I don’t take control over my feelings, I think the bias would unconsciously show through in four years. I caught my daughter once or twice doing something against her will just to please mom and dad, and I certainly don’t want her to choose a college for the same reason (I know, I know, she’s nowhere to being accepted yet). So will be watching what I am saying and working on a new mindset.
OP, please don’t take this post as an opinion you are or have been doing something wrong. I think if I end up in your shoes 4 years from now I will feel the same. I just recognize that my daughter may not go to Stanford for whatever reason - accepted or not, and i need to prepare myself for that even now so that I’m not disappointed in that outcome. I am a poor actor and any disappointment would hurt not just me, but my daughter, too, since she would feel responsible (and she shouldn’t). Again, thanks everyone
Welcome @typiCAmom. Alas it is too late for me. I have never been shy about my love for Stanford even though I grew up in NC and attended UNC-Chapel Hill. I think it’s okay to be a cheerleader for your “dream” school for your D. I think it’s also important to make sure if they don’t chose that school then they are still allowed to live at home(just kidding). My S applied to seven schools(all California) and was accepted to all. I wanted him to apply to some Ivy schools but he didn’t want to. Too much of a west coast kid. They are also getting some pressure from all of these schools for him to pick them like mail, dinner/receptions. I just add my feelings on top of these. I think he will succeed at any of the seven and so will your D wherever she goes. But if Stanford is your “dream school” then don’t be shy about sharing that. I did and I’m less than a month away to see if all that hard work pays off.
It is too late in your case, but it really isn’t okay. NO ONE should have a “dream school” – you just set you kid up for disappointment (and thinking they have disappointed YOU) if they don’t get in. And if they do get in, then they are pressured to go to YOUR dream, not theirs. This is a huge decision for a kid – it is okay to expose them to schools you think they will like, but they are the ones who have to live with the decision for the rest of their lives.
I think parents can be discreet about their dream schools for the kid. There are too many pieces that make up the right environment for the kid. I bit my tongue, up to that very last college visit with D1. (I was worried about her rejecting anyplace we pushed too hard for.) I hesitated, said something about hating to get in the way, but how “I” loved the school. To my relief (and we laugh about this now,) she answered, “Me,too.” Today, as far as she’s concerned, it was her choice.
But we did influence in subtle ways. FA was important and she understood that.
Just saying.
At one point my dh (who at that point still secretly wish ds would go to Harvard) accused me of pushing my son towards Carnegie Mellon. Really all I did was link him to articles or specific CC discussions. (He refused to spend any time on CC.) By the time we were a few hours into the welcoming events at Carnegie Mellon, my husband had completely changed his tune. It helped that the Dean at the time was a super-charismatic guy and a great speaker.
Just got back from Stanford Admit Weekend. What an incredible campus. The dorms are just average but the programs and faculty are top notch. Dropped my son off and didn’t see him until it was over. He had a great time. After it was over he informed me that Stanford was the one. I was very happy of course. If your S/D wants to attend please have them visit the campus and see it for themselves. I will gladly answer any questions about our process from applying to admission and acceptance. Best of luck and thanks for all of the input.
Congrats on your son attending Stanford this fall! That’s pretty awesome.
Disclaimer:
I’m a UCSB alum.
That being said, UCSB gets a bad rap for being a party school. ALL schools are party schools, including Stanford and Ivy League universities. You can find students at UCSB who party their hearts out…AND you can find just as many hard working students at UCSB as you can at Stanford. Not every student at UCSB spends every single weekend drunk and high. Just saying.
I’m so glad you posted the final, happy outcome @NosyCaliparent. I can relate to you: I was fully prepared to steer my son toward what I judged to be the ‘best’ university opportunity. Fortunately my son came to the right decision on his own too.
I have learned that I have underestimated my son in his process for choosing a college. He had a plan and he took his time to make his decision and he alone decided that Stanford is definely the place for him. I think that any kid that works hard in high school and wants to go to ANY college can make the right choice for them where to go and if they want help or advice they will ask for it. I think I knew this in my head but my heart was trying to hold on to him. It’s bittersweet because I am proud and yet sad because in a few months he will be on his own. If any of you have kids still in high school enjoy the time you have with them.