This isn’t one of those threads.
Is it getting close to April fools day?
I think the OP started a thread with a reasonable set of questions
Rather than jump down the throat of a new poster, how about we answer the questions civilly. From the responses I think we can say most people think the choice should be up to the student. Opportunities would be good at the other schools listed as well. Some good questions were asked of the OP like what about Stanford makes it so great in the OP’s eyes.
Where does he want to go?
CollegeConfidential version of White people’s problem: “my kid’s on the verge of destroying his life by going to Berkeley or UCLA.”
IMHO, you don’t give enough information to know if you are being overbearing or not, but my perspective is that your role in the process is to present as many options to your child as possible so they can make an informed choice. You were correct that he had nothing to lose by applying EA and vice versa, now you have nothing to lose by letting him wait for his other application results. Once they are all in, then help him think about where HE wants to go. Stanford will not care whether he accepts on March 1 or May 1, if that is how things play out.
Would you rather have him happy and productive at Cal or unhappy and struggling at Stanford?
Sorry you took some abusive comments when you phrased your questions quite judiciously, I thought. Hopefully the note from the other moderator will bring some sensibility to the tone of these respondents, but in a bit of an excuse, those who have been on CC a long time have seen many, many threads from parents that are truly unreasonable and overbearing, or threads from their kids complaining about parents that are giving them no choice. After a while I think the responses just go on autopilot to some degree.
So to get to your question, what you are saying is not uncommon to some degree among many parents. The trick is to let your child know what you are thinking (which is fair, you are their parent and you do have a role in this) without making it an ultimatum or even an insistence. As others have said, this is your child’s life and choice, at least by most American’s standards. In some other cultures the parents have much more say, but not here with our plethora of fine universities and general perspective that we don’t live our kids lives for them at this stage, even though we are still paying usually. The student should have the final say as long as it is reasonable, and certainly all those schools and many others are far more than reasonable. I think @Pizzagirl said it well with
I am not sure what she means by back home or why she thinks you are from another country as she said in a part I deleted as uncivil, but no matter. Her point is correct. You can lay out your arguments and opinions to your son and if he chooses another school anyway, be thrilled for him.
If it makes you feel any better, my D is at Stanford for grad school right now. She did her undergrad at Tulane, but she had her choice of a couple of Ivies. She didn’t apply to Stanford then but obviously she would have had as good a chance as anyone to get in. My point being that she has mentioned several times that while she thinks it is great for grad school, she is glad she avoided the schools that focus more on grad students than undergrads for her choice back then. And she feels Stanford falls in that category. A lot of the profs are plenty famous, but that also means they are often out on speaking engagements, consulting, focusing on grant proposals, etc. She isn’t saying it isn’t the best choice for many students, and it has many amazing qualities. She is saying that one needs to think carefully and know what they are really getting when they choose Stanford, Harvard, etc. It may not be the right choice for your son for any number of reasons. Don’t be blinded by the prestige factor and the admission rate (the latter of which also has a lot to do with marketing and so how many applications they get), there are a lot of great schools in this country that offer incredible opportunities and experiences.
I would be interested in hearing more about “why Stanford” for both the parent and the child. Have they visited Stanford and the other schools?
Stanford isn’t the school for every kid. Like thumper1’s kid, my D2 did not care for it when touring. My parents were rabid about her applying – so insistent that we had to stop talking to them about college admissions. My kid had a lot of great acceptances (UChicago, Harvey Mudd, etc), and is a happy junior at one of those. Looking back, I’d say we both think Stanford would not have been a very good fit for her, and she is in the right place for her.
I think you can ask that your kid attend accepted student days at Stanford and their other top couple of choices once the decisions are in. Then you should let him decide.
@moooop, my dad pulled that “parents know best” business in my college process. Huge mistake on his part – he didn’t know best. I attended a prestigious college (his alma mater that he loved) but it was a poor fit for me. I still resent it 40 years later. You guys risk damaging your relationship with your kids by forcing your preference on them.
Yes, it would be nice if posters would keep their judgement and disdain to themselves and just answer a posters question! Instead of them thinking thinking they have enormous insight into their souls of a poster, especially so with someone who is new here.
Wanting something that you perceive as amazing for your child is natural. Having your child be admitted to one of the most selective school in the country and thinking about the possibility of them not going (assuming they are financially able to send them) certainly could be troubling to many parents.
The schools mentioned are all excellent schools, the choice should be the students, it is their education and their life to live afterwards. There obviously should be a thorough review of all the elements of schools accepted to and how those things match up in the area’s of importance for their child. Then it should be their child’s decision and it should be fully embraced and supported by the parents with no mention going forward of what “might have been” at any other school, be it Stanford or any other school he was admitted to.
Congratulations to your son! He has to be a remarkable young man, and no doubt will have a bright future no matter where he goes.
Lesson 1 in teenage parenting- don’t let them think you REALLY REALLY want something because then they will do the opposite. They are contrarians, mostly. I love when I give mine a Fact (true fact, not opinion) and he says - “No, you’re wrong - my friend saw it on the internet, and that’s not true”. For some reason they trust you, but they don’t. Anyway, I think you have gently nudge, not push. Let him come into the decision himself. The cat may be out of the bag already though…
How many campus visits has he made to any of the schools he has applied to? Has he attended any admitted students events? That’s what I would encourage him to do to help make a decision. Overnight visits can be particularly helpful, but at least do an all day one if you can’t do an overnight.
When we toured NYU my daughter loved it and that she was excited about applying there. I thought it would be a great fit for her too. When it came time to submit applications she had changed her mind. I tried to encourage her to apply to NYU, but because she had toured a number of schools and researched extensively, she knew what she wanted. We visited her top choice four times, and upon reflection I realized that it really was the best fit for her. So additional visits can help him decide and may help you be more comfortable with the choice if it isn’t Stanford.
All schools listed by the OP are CA schools, so its a pretty reasonable guess that the OP is in CA. All the schools mentioned are great schools. But also agree that not all schools are right for all kids. OP didn’t say what the kiddo is interested in studying. Might make a difference. Might not. Like others in this thread described, my DS#1 had what he thought was his “dream” school. Loved what materials he read that came from that school ( magazine articles, websites, etc, not junk mailing/ads) read a lot about it, etc. But when we visited, and we were treated well for reasons that don’t really matter for sake of this discussion, DS, after sitting in on classes, getting tours of the labs, visiting a dorm, a frat, etc, said “this is not for undergrad. They don’t care about their undergrads here. This is for grad school” and never applied.
So let your s visit the schools, and when the acceptances are all in, and he sounds like he’ll have lovely choices, let HIM decide.
**crossposted with travelfromtx
Lol @jym626 , great minds think alike. It bears repeating that the more time he can spend on campus experiencing what it feels like in and out of the classroom, the more informed his decision can be.
I can’t think of a single reason why the student should commit now before hearing the decisions of the other schools, can you? Besides making you feel better, it frankly limits his choices. If he’s smart enough to be accepted REA to Stanford, he’s smart enough to not do rush choices when there’s zero benefit. If you’re truly struggling with the fact that you may be overbearing – then vow to yourself to remain quiet until May 1st.
If you want to continue to push your agenda, knowing you’re being overbearing but not caring about that fact – then know you may reap the consequences of being manipulative. We don’t assume to know your family dynamics. Often this forum serves like a “Dear Abby” column – you asked for objective opinions-- from people with no skin in the game. You’ve gotten an overwhelming tide of advice that you’re indeed being overbearing and manipulative.
Also you’ve rec’d advice on how to stem that right away. Now the ball’s in your court.
BTW, I spent tons of time at Stanford and my most significant GF during college was there. I loved the weather but I wouldn’t have traded my undergrad experience for hers at all.
The other point about opportunities is that a student who was accomplished enough to get into Stanford should have no trouble finding and taking advantage of opportunities anywhere. There are not just a dozen opportunities in the world or anything that are all sitting at Stanford.
I attended a couple of these “elite” schools back in the Mesozoic era. It seemed to me that there were always a handful of kids that absolutely hated the place from before they even walked onto the campus. Hated everything – the school culture and traditions, the social life, the “type” of student, the school colors, … you name it. Many of the things they claimed to hate were things that weren’t a surprise – it was stuff that was central to the identity of the place.
I remember talking to a few. I couldn’t help wondering - why the hell did you even come if you knew you hated the place? Who wants to be miserable for four years? As far as I could tell, the only reason they chose the school was because of the prestige (college was much less expensive then and this was before the explosive growth of elite school endowments, so financial aid wasn’t the big factor). Sometimes their parents forced them to go, but I think most of the time it was the kid’s own choice.
There weren’t a lot of them – maybe 2 or 3% of the class. Also, maybe some of these kids were the type of people who would be miserable no matter where they were. And some did eventually find a niche that made them happy. Still, I suspect that “elite” schools in particular get a number of this type of student.
From seeing them and having some vague idea of how their lives progressed, I would definitely advise someone who really doesn’t like a place to not enroll. There are lots of great schools where the “fit” will be a lot better. A young adult shouldn’t 4 years being miserable… seriously, it can reshape their entire outlook on life for the worse. Besides, I’m sure whatever benefits they were hoping to get by attending that school were dwarfed by the fact that they built few friendships, had no social networks, and usually didn’t do great in school anyway since they were so unhappy.
Unfortunately, I suspect that the people who most need to hear this advice are often deaf to it. Sigh.
(BTW - I’m definitely not saying this is the case with this hypothetical student. It’s just something to think about.)
Family member here followed his parent dream to attend an Ivy. Let’s just say…he didn’t get his degree from that Ivy. It was all wrong for him from the get go.
frame the acceptance letter for your sense of validation! put the framed letter in the entrance to your house with spotlights on it so everyone sees it upon entry… and than let the kid go to whatever schools he thinks is the best fit for him.
Stanford is a wonderful school and it makes total sense that a parent would want a kid to take advantage of that kind of opportunity. But I agree with others above – your son is obviously interested in other schools and it’s worth it (for him and for your relationship) to let him explore those opportunities too. He’s obviously a bright and talented kid and would get an excellent education and great future opportunities from Cal, USC and UCLA. As an anecdote and FWIW, we are not far from Stanford, and most of the top stats kids in my DD16’s class this year did not apply. They were just not really taken with it after visiting. These are kids who have gotten in early to schools like MIT, Dartmouth and Harvard. Which is only to reiterate – Stanford is a wonderful, wonderful school, but not for everyone. Another friend of DD’s is a freshman there and loves it-- Stanford was her DREAM for years.