Why are there so many threads of disappointment in April from students (or parents of students) who got admitted to an affordable college? (as opposed to getting shut out, or finding all admissions to be unaffordable, either of which is commonly due to poor advising and/or completely overreaching)
Seems like if the college was on the application list to begin with, it should have been known to be a suitable and desirable college for the student. So why does it seem that the students posting these threads think that the colleges that admitted them are unworthy and that they (the students) are failures for getting admitted only to those colleges and that all of their work in high school was for nothing?
I really don’t know the answer to this question. I wonder though if college applications are the first high stakes “audition” for many. They’ve never really gone through that vulnerability of trying out for something really hard and risking not getting selected. Just speculation though, I have no basis to really judge.
IMO there seem to be a couple of patterns. The kids and parents that focused all the time and attention on the reach schools, and not vetting the match and safety schools on their list. The students with 80% of their list all reaches, who thought they were better than their safeties and can’t possibility find their intellectual equals.
Then there are the buyers remorse kids who start comparing themselves to friends and acquaintances. The kids who hear stories about lower star kids getting in without knowing anything about hooks or total application, and start thinking they could have “done better.”
Unfortunately students and parents seem to conflate the terms qualified with suitable or in some cases entitled. There are 26,000 public schools and 11,000 private schools in America. Take the top 5 students at each of those combined 37,000 schools and you have 185,000 kids who justifiably see themselves as “qualified for any school in America”. They are the “best of the best” in their local communities…valedictorians, class presidents, NHS, etc. The pressure and reassurances build over time as they are asked which college are “you” choosing and parents expectations grow. You hear parents say “If not my kid who, he/she checks every box”. Unfortunately it is near impossible to dissuade people of this notion of “special” when looking at individuals versus a national population.
So you have 185,000 kids all expecting to “choose” which college they will attend when roughly 45,000 (at the very high end and not accounting for hooks) individual offers of acceptance will be forthcoming from top 15 schools. The resulting emotions are justified and predictable. Disappointment and the seeking out of an explanation.
Unfortunately that “explanation” typically gravitates towards blaming others, or claiming the entire system is rigged or luck. The reality is that these truly exceptional kids for the first time in their lives have come up against competition of a similar academic caliber and there aren’t enough spots. They are perfectly qualified but not suitable relative to alternative candidates in the pool.
For some kids (and particularly parents) it is hard to move on and embrace safety school’s as “suitable”. They continue to hold onto their long held belief that their kids are unique and “the best of the best”. What escapes them is the reality that all of these schools have smart, motivated and distinguished kids. For many this is the first time they have not achieved a goal that was worked diligently towards and whose outcome was beyond their control. Embracing a “safety” requires the acceptance of not being in control and the inability to reach a goal. Tough to swollow in today’s “name brand” society but thankfully the vast majority of these kids will move on and thrive assuming the parents don’t perpetuate the myth that they are victims or superior to their “safe” school peers.
I think a pity party can be good for the soul-- as long as we attach a few conditions.
It’s OK, and healthy, to be sad when you don’t get something you really wanted. And in this day and age, that sadness pretty much always translates to an online vent. So something along the lines of “I’m so disappointed! I really thought I had a shot at ___ College but was denied!” is healthy in my book.
But here come the conditions:
It’s NOT OK to put down the school or others who did get accepted. It’s not OK to blame your results on someone else. Nope, they didn’t lie or cheat their way in (Well, aside from the current headlines, anyway.) They didn’t get in through some mysterious back door. For whatever reason, the people making the choices made the ones they made, and you weren’t on the side you wanted to be on.
It's pointless to rehash all the reasons you think you should have gotten it. For one thing, we're not the ones making the decisions. For another, that ship has sailed-- you didn't get in.
In other words, there’s a world of difference between disappointment an bitterness. Bitterness doesn’t look good on anyone. No one was owed, or promised, a spot at any particular college.
I do think it’s OK to shed a tear or two. And I’m a huge believer in the 24 hour pity party, complete with ice cream. Even hot fudge in extreme cases.
But at the end of those 24 hours, you pick yourself up, look at your options, and move forward. You play the hand you’ve been dealt. You either choose from the acceptances you have, apply elsewhere, or take a gap year-- then make up an application list that includes more safeties next year.
I think there is also the simple answer that one has to apply to see what merit awards will be given. In many cases, it’s not really possible to know what your cost will be until you apply. So you don’t know if it’s “suitable” or not at the time of application.
I can understand a short thread of disappointment, but it’s the ones that go on for many, many pages that drive me nuts. Move on and get yourself or your kid excited about the future!
I think there is a difference between disappointment and sour grapes.
It’s okay to be disappointed. A student applies to his/her top choice school, is probably qualified (but there are too many qualified applicants) and is disappointed that things didn’t go his/her way. Hopefully there are other great choices for the student. These are not the posts to which you are referring.
Applying to several reach schools and a few safeties with 1 or 2 matches may not be a good strategy.
Griping about your choices and disparaging others is a bit different. Yes, it stinks to be rejected, but this happens all over in trying out for sports, auditioning, interviewing for jobs, etc. I agree with @NorthernMom61 this may be the first real high stakes disappointment for 17 and 18 yo kids.
Lesson learned: apply to schools fhat are realistic and appealing (academically, financially, socially, size, location).
At the end of the day, you are going to college, and chances are you can make the most of it wherever you go.
Human nature. It’s easier to get excited about something glamourous, in this case a reach school, than something functional, the saftey.
A Greyhound bus will take you from L.A. to New York but most of us would prefer to fly, given the choice.
I’ve never truly got the safety school that you love concept. I think it’s maybe the hardest thing to find in this whole process. It sounds like good advice but I’m not sure it truly exists. A safety you are prepared to attend if all else falls I understand but one you love?
If you found such a school wouldn’t most people save themselves a world of stress and heartache and just apply there? I honestly believe safeties are settling for second best for most people.
My D17 applied to two admissions/financial safeties, one reach, and six admissions matches (with need for merit making them effectively reaches). She would have been happy at eight of the nine and resigned to the ninth if it had come to that. She had high-achieving friends that had one or two safeties and a bunch of reaches (both financial and admissions), some of whom were shut out from all but their safeties. This was two years ago. The kids at the safeties ended up in honors programs and aren’t paying a lot for college. They adapted and are now happy. This year’s disappointed applicants will do the same, even though it’s hard to see that during the month of broken dreams.
At D17’s school, the counselors did not use the word safety at all as it sounded too much like settling. Maybe that helps.
I think it is because the college they get accepted to is perceived by them as an indication of their self worth. They look at college as the goal not the tool to achieve what they wish to achieve.
Even today, there are probably many students in states like Alabama, Arizona, and Texas whose first choice is the state flagship that will automatically admit them for their stats and is affordable to their families (perhaps even with automatic scholarships for their stats).
The opening question here sort of answers itself, in my opinion. @ucbalumnus asked: why so many threads of disappointment in April . . .? Because it’s April. Because the decisions just came out and decision dates of May 1 are looming so now is the moment when kids and parents are processing the results. I think we just need to have a “grace period” for pity parties right now. I know it’s not nice when those threads disparage the school they got into. Although my D didn’t end up picking ASU Barrett, it was one of her top options so I get mildly annoyed when disappointed kids disparage it as a one of their options. But then I remind myself to cut them some slack.
In the meanwhile I can totally relate to @doschicos Grouch Marx quote. Before she committed, my D19 asked me: “why does Hope want me so much? Are they not a very good school?” But then she got excited about her opportunities there and changed her attitude.
There’s so much build up to the application process - from the time the kids are in high school (or before) they are told they are taking certain classes, doing certain activities, making grades because they need them for “college applications”. Then they pick schools, usually with some guidance, that they think may admit them. It’s natural to be sad and disappointed when those schools don’t do so. I am one of those who says “love your safety” and yes, not everyone will love their safety schools at first but if you look beyond exclusiveness and put in factors like campus environment, location, extra curriculars, majors, internships into the college selection criteria you can find a list of schools with a broad range of acceptance percentages that appeal to any one student.
The threads that bewilder me are the ones where the student is deciding between two totally different schools environments and can’t decide because the schools are equally as desirable from a “status” viewpoint. When someone says “MIT or Williams? I can’t decide” my head spins. Seriously?
Let’s face it - in the process of guiding students through applications, common sense and perspective frequently get sidelined. When you don’t have either it’s hard to get your feet on the ground and make some traction towards a happy freshman year.
Groucho Marx’s comments about club membership are right on target. Also venting. Also FOMO.
There’s also a big misunderstanding of the concept of safety school. (I’ve been surprised to see the term “safety” used so frequently on CC.) If you see the safety school as a fall-back position only, then it’s not going to work out. It doesn’t truly offer safety. At my child’s hs, they use the term “foundation” to describe a school the kid could get into, afford, and would be happy to attend. The concepts may be just the same, but if families thought about having an acceptable foundation, they might be less miserable after the reality of luck, acceptances, and finances become clear.
I also think sometimes folks are applying to far too many schools. Some of these threads suggest insufficient research before the applications were submitted, so when acceptances came, they didn’t provide what the applicants truly wanted.
There was another thread where @mom2kids made a comment that I think was precisely right. All Fall of Senior year of HS the kids at lunch and other places talk about who is applying where. Then this gets turned into a ranking thing. “Oh, so and so is a loser, they are only applying to state. I’m applying to ABC Ivy”. The kids, spurred by the parents and spurred by all those glossy college brochures selling a product, start equating high USNWR ranking college acceptances to high individual and self worth. So if they “only” get into a lower ranked college, their worth is lower. I call it “the great culling”, the perception that either you’ve been deemed worthy or not. And as a parent, I find that way of thinking unbelievably scary.
My kids’ high school did not use “safety”. They preferred to use the word “likely”. It might be semantics but “safety” does seem to carry connotations for many.
@Jon234 they exist. My D19 spent so much time finding reasons to love every school where she applied that she was almost disappointed that she didn’t get to attend her safety- each school offers something unique, and if you can’t see yourself there, you should not apply.
“I think it is because the college they get accepted to is perceived by them as an indication of their self worth. They look at college as the goal not the tool to achieve what they wish to achieve”
Yep, this. Because colleges (especially privates with their marketing) have made college application something like dating and teenagers are teenagers so will be affected heavily by emotions/feels and peer judgements. I chatted with a Canadian co-worker and he finds attitudes in the US about college admissions bizarre. In Canada (and most of continental Europe), uni is seen by most in very functional terms: you go to pick up skills and/or study subjects you’re interested in, not to validate your self-worth.
Also, people seem to have a serious misunderstanding of how tough it is to get in to tippy-top schools (how big the US is and how relatively small the top privates are). All 30 or so Ivies and equivalents (including LACs) have only enough spots for roughly 1% of American HS grads. Half or more of those spots would go to hooked candidates. Half of all those spots would be gone in ED. So if you are unhooked applying EA/RD, you essentially have to be amazing to get in (someone whom teachers at a large public HS would say to themselves “yeah, I’d only see a kid like that every decade or so”). Yet kids in the top 5-10% with decent-not-amazing ECs think they have a shot at the very tippy-top schools.