I really need help with the SAT essay. All of my other sections are fairly strong, October SAT 730 CR, 750 M (stupid mistakes, should’ve been 800 CR and 800 M though) except for writing in which I got a 650. I only got a 7 on the essay so if you could rate my essay and give me some advice, that would be great, and I’ll rate your essay if you rated mine. Thank you!
For some reason it didn’t let me post my essay so I’ll post it in a reply
I’m not too familiar with what exactly constitutes a 12 or a 6 (got an 8 both times, myself), but I really enjoy grammar, so I can help with that type of thing if you want!
Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?
New technology such as smartphones appears to be a salutary change, making connecting with other people easier, when in fact, people are more disconnected than before they had smartphones. I see it all the time-friends going out together and spending the whole time on their cell phones, totally ignoring the people around them. I am guilty of this as well. Meaningful face-to-face interaction has been replaced by impersonal text on a screen and 140 character “tweets”. It is impossible to express your emotions well with words on a screen. Although the more pragmatic way to communicate is to send someone a quick text, the best way to ameliorate relationships is to have genuine face-to-face interaction. Technology drives people apart, but it also enables social media-which has an even more deleterious effect. Before smartphones and social media, when people were bullied, they were safe when they left school. Now, their bullies follow them everywhere through malicious texts and malevolent tweets. Recently, a girl at my school was getting bullied through social media. Her depression worsened and she ended up ending her own life, which proves that the technology that was supposed to make connecting with people easier, ended up doing more harm than good.
In F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, cars are a relatively new invention in the 1920’s that were supposed to make transportation more convenient, but instead serve as a symbol of death and destruction in the book. Myrtle Wilson is killed when a car hits her. The death of Myrtle also leads to the death of the enigmatic Gatsby, the main character. Tom Wilson, believing that Gatsby was driving the car that killed his wife, shoots Gatsby, who dies. New technology killing Myrtle and Gatsby is incontrovertible proof that technology does not always change lives for the better.
Smartphone technology has affected interpersonal relationships negatively and caused several deaths through social media, and cars in The Great Gatsby also caused death and destruction. Obviously this is unequivocal proof that changes that promise to make life easier do not necessarily make them better.
cars are a relatively new invention in the 1920’s that were supposed to
There is a disconnect between “are” (present tense) and “were supposed to” (past).
New technology killing Myrtle and Gatsby is incontrovertible proof
I…don’t know if I would say that. Gatsby’s death, at least, is very indirect, if you’re going to attribute it to the car.
Obviously this is unequivocal proof
This kind of phrase only works if you have definitely, without-a-doubt convinced me of your point. Which didn’t really happen, I don’t think. Your first paragraph (intro and body combined?) is longer than the others, which reads like you started off well and then ran out of time. In addition, I think it’s supposed to emotionally affect me in some way, but it really didn’t. You kind of have two examples in one. I would, personally, have focused on the bullying; “smartphones drive us apart!” is a cliche phrase at this point. Just makes me roll my eyes.
The second paragraph explains a bit about the example but not really how it connects to your main point. Plus, just because two (fictional) people died (maybe) as a result of cars, that doesn’t change how much good they’ve done in our lives. It feels like you’re focusing in on one itty bitty negative aspect for your example, while ignoring the countless pros.
The last paragraph is pretty obviously rushed. Definitely leave time to create a solid conclusion, because two sentences does not a conclusion make. Also, “has caused several deaths” is the understatement of the year and caused me to snort in laughter a bit, which I feel like is not what you were going for.
Overall, you don’t have many problems with grammar or spelling. I think it’s mainly time-management that you now have to get down to a science. Make sure to leave time for your other examples and for your conclusion. I’ve watched (and occasionally given) so many in-class presentations where the person just winds down with “So…yeah. That’s it.” It kind of ruins any positive effect they had been giving previously. Go out with a bang!
I feel like this is really short. I was reading this study which said longer essays actually scored higher empirically on the SAT.
Your warrant for “technology bad” in the Great Gatsby is realllllly weak. You could have used some dystopian/ sci-fi literature, Anthem perhaps ?, to see have a stronger example of why technology is bad.
The real world example is a bit mediocre in my opinion. I would have personally used WMD’s or developing war technology (Rods of Gods/Nukes/Bioterror) as how the development of technology to kill people is just plain immoral and results in thousands of deaths yearly.
I debate on the national circuit, so I feel that modern examples come pretty easily to me, however as a rule of thumb I always have 3 evidence points and try to tie it into my thesis in differing ways.