Can someone grade my SAT essay? It's pretty short

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>This is my first essay that I wrote in 25 minutes and I know it sucks but I want an accurate grading. Please no rude comments- they are no use to me. Reading my essay over, I know it contains numerous errors as well. Thanks!</p>

<p>Assignment: Technology promises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilities of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made us all feel rushed. We have adopted the relentless pace of the very machines and people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better. Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better? </p>

<pre><code>Amazing technological advancements have certainly changed everyday life. While it was initially invented to make our day-to-day schedules expedient, these changes have not improved our lives in a sense of productiveness. For example, the internet was a breakthrough when it was first introduced in the 1990's. It was brilliant in a sense that it held a prodigious amount of information. With the typing of one's fingers and a click of the mouse, inedividuals have access to news articles, blogs, images, social media, and so much more. With the efficiency of this breakthrough, the act of running to the library or peeking at the dictionary seems like a waste of time. Getting mentally lost in this profound invention is quite possible. With so many things to do and research, distractions tag along. Games, chatting and Facebook, for exmple, have been easy activities to drift away to when using the internet. Many students during this age of highly advanced technology have been using the internet since they were young. There are numerous cases of internet addiction, when one cannot stop using the computer. this problem has been pervasive. With various things to do, people are drawn to the internet with no escape. Fulfilling acts such as reading, puzzles, drawing, etc. have been outshined by the appeal of technology. Also with quiet individual activity comes with the lack of social development. chatting with friends and sharing daily events through texts or writing on the computer has altered our reality. Young adolescence have forgotten the skill of face-to-face talking or even dating. Although the invention of the internet has many benefits, the ultimate distractions outweigh the good qualities. Yes, resources and information are quick to obtain with the internet; however, one must have amazing willpower to avoid distraction.
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<p>I’m assuming you don’t want us to comment on grammatical errors as you said you see them yourself. First off, you want to start of with a grabber that catches the reader’s attention. You have learned this from day one of English class. I am not speaking of the rhetorical question or overused grabbers - come up with something unique! Your opening is simply a restatement of the prompt. Try to avoid this. </p>

<p>In my humble opinion, you fail to show the reader EXACTLY how the distractions outweigh the good qualities. You present how YOU feel but only back it up with simple statements about either side. How EXACTLY is rapid access to information outweighed by internet addiction? Address these questions and make connections between the two to justify your case. </p>

<p>Finally, a good persuasive paper recognizes the opposing argument and strikes it down. If I was a direct opponent of your stance, I would write a paper stating how rapid access to information outweighs all the distractions. I would argue that Facebook, while being a distraction, has brought members of our immediate social network together in a way like never before. It is your job to anticipate this and address it in your paper, as the final paragraph/part to definitively persuade the reader. </p>

<p>That’s all I have right now and good luck!</p>

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<p>Your intro (which I’m assuming is your first two sentences) needs more punch. Back up your thesis and elaborate a little more. Also, you only have one example. It is possible to get a high score with only one example. However, you must go into great detail. Tie your example back to your thesis. When reading an essay, a reader shouldn’t have any sense of uncertainty. Add some statistics to give your example more credibility.</p>

<p>I suggest you use more than one example. This prompt is pretty easy, compared to some other ones. With this prompt you could write about the invention of the automobile, television, household appliances, etc. Using 2 or more examples will support your thesis a lot better.</p>