Rate my essay pls

College Essays
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  1. Success in life is largely a matter of luck. It has little correlation with merit, and in all fields of life there have always been people of great merit who did not succeed.

Karl Popper, Popper Selections

  1. As Colin Powell said, "There are no secrets to success. Don't waste time looking for them. Success is a result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure"

Adapted from Barry Farber, “Selling Points”

Assignment: Is success in life earned or do people succeed because they are lucky?

Essay:

  "There are no secrets to success. Don't waste time looking for them. Success is a result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure" -Colin Powell. Some people believe that luck is the reason for success; however, luck won't help you forever. It might aid you once but won't be there whenever you need it. Hardworking, on the other hand, gives you a lot of experiences and knowledge, which will help in difficult situations. These lines persuade me that success is earned in life.

  Chris Gardener is a good example to tell. Chris Gardener used to be poor along with his family; consequently, his family left him and he stayed on the streets. One day, he saw a guy, stock broker, with a red, expensive-looking car; therefore, Chris became obsessed with the idea to succeed. He bought and sold stocks until, eventually, became a rich man and grateful because of his hard work.

  Steve Jobs is a profoundly good demonstration about this topic. One day, one of Steve's friends introduced to Steve the keyboard in which a person could write what he wants in the screen display; moreover, Steve was fascinated with the keyboard; consequently, he tried to sell it to a lot of people, but they all refused except one who agreed to buy a stack of 50 in 2 months. Steve got his friends and started making more of these keyboards and after 2 months, they went to the buyer and showed him what they've done; however, he didn't buy any because they were only the green parts of the tech. A couple of weeks passed and someone came to Steve and bought the keyboard. Hard work is never made in vain. Without hard work, Steve would've have sold the keyboards.

  After careful analysis of evidences such as Chris Gardener and Steve Jobs. It is lucid that success is achieved using hard work rather than luck.

Please do criticize my essay as much as possible, and I know that my conclusion isn’t big, or having a wrap up, but I don’t know how to do a conclusion. If you have the time, consider telling me how to make a better, more elaborate kind of essay. Thanks.

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There is no reason to open with the quote THEY GAVE YOU, lol. That’s just unoriginal.

“These lines persuade me” – what lines? Are you talking about your introduction? Of course it persuades you – you wrote it.

“Good example to tell” – so awkward. Stop reminding us that this is an essay. Also, *Gardner. Looks bad when you don’t spell the name of your first example right.

“A guy, stock broker” – “guy” is too informal, and this is not grammatically correct.

“Profoundly good demonstration about this topic” – *of this topic. And don’t tell us how good your examples are. They should speak for themselves.

“In which a person could write what he wants” – I don’t know what you’re trying to say here. Is this a special keyboard? Because this literally just sounds like all keyboards.

There are few cases in which you should string three sentences together with semicolons. Break it up.

Numbers under 100 are written out as words.

“They were only the green parts of the tech” – what does this mean??

“And bought the keyboard” – someone had already bought the keyboard, you said. This is a lame example…so what, he sold something. You might say he “got lucky” when that final buyer came along.

“After careful analysis of evidences” – *examples. And this is not a full sentence.

Lucid is not not not the word you’re looking for. It has connotations that don’t just mean “clear.”