@porcupine98 Nailed it, even for the military side. Aside from the day I got my acceptance letter, I’ve go out of my way to deflect because of the range of attitudes I’ve gotten from the other SSgts that I told. At worst, it was a snooty face along with a Skull and Bones comment, and at best, they say “remember us little people”. Very few congratulations
@Surfbort, the common saying is that you know who your friends are when you’re down and out. Yeah, maybe, but you REALLY know who your friends are when you have good news. Their genuine, immediate, and unambivakent reaction is to be happy for you.
I’m curious. Did any of you get responses that subtly tried to put you down when you mentioned the school? Some possible replies being
“Oh, I hear New Haven is xxxxx, would not be a good fit for our kid” or
“Oh, I hear Yale is too yyyy, so we decided not to apply” or
“Oh, our kid prefers to stay in state, so we can visit him more often” or
“We would rather save for child’s grad school and not waste the money on undergraduate” or…
You get the idea. Subtly implying that “Don’t be too happy, you may not have made a great decision and even if my kid is going to podunk university, he/she is actually better”
It’s kind of a sly, annoying but cleverly disguised put down
Any of you face this kind of response? Usually comes from hyper competitive parents who are probably a little bit jealous. Or maybe I am just reading too much into these things.
VLP: You’re probably reading it correctly. But I don’t suppose I’m immune from being competitive/jealous either so I try to smile & nod. There’s an excellent thread on the Parents Forum entitled just that. Very similar anecdotes to yours have been mentioned on that long thread.
I got a new primary care physician recently. Almost everything was already in my file, but he wanted a family social history also. He asked where my kids went to school, I said kid n attends Yale, I thought I saw a slightly raised eyebrow, I said it was an awesome school, he replied (with a slight smile), “it’s okay.” I replied, “oh no, you didn’t,” and we simultaneously said “Harvard.” Good natured laughter by both of us afterwards.
@VeryLuckyParent I’d describe that less as someone trying to put you down than as someone trying to awkwardly tap dance around some perceived expectation that their kid "should* have made a similar choice/had the same opportunity. Same big pile of baggage, different expression.
Or, actually, it could be just neutral explanation of a different choice.
But not really a put-down, I think.
How would you have spoiled the party if you talked about Yale?
Well that’s kind of odd, hzhao, because Yale and Duke are on the same plane. (I recognize from previous posts of yours that you think there are major distinctions in the pecking order at that level, but there really aren’t - they are six of one and half a dozen of the other.)
That the statement was made with respect to Duke made it even more bizarre. But even if its not Duke, the concept it still odd to me. And I would suggest that at least part of the negative reaction that some people get to saying their kid is going to Yale is based on the thought process behind the concept. And to be clear, I am not saying its all of the reason or true in all or even most instances.
How interesting. I didn’t think the Duke situation was odd at all. We have had many situations similar to that happen. Its not that it would kill the party but any mention of a school as good or potentially better would seem like a competition and when a person is bragging that much it would just make it awkward. Academically they may be comparable but the public opinion on the two of them would have Yale and any Ivy for that matter rate at a different level. There is just a different reaction you get. Its the difference between,“Wow, that is a great school” and “Wow, That is impressive!”
People around here see schools like Duke,Georgetown,Chicago,Tufts and BC as very hard to get into but still obtainable for a high academic student (because here we all know someone that goes there) Yale however is like winning the lottery. It takes more than smarts. That would be why bringing it up at this party and in this situation may not be the most tactful thing to do. At least it is that way where we come from.
My boss’s boss’s boss (Grand-boss?) said “Isn’t that where Thurston Howell went? I remember from ‘Gilligan’s Island’!”
I might have mentioned that Thurston Howell was a fictional character, he could have gone anywhere. (CLM)
@ElMimino Thurston Howell III graduated from Harvard and jokingly referred to people he considered as primitive as a “Yale man”…LOL
As seen in this clip. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCCCN-3NJiU
@skieurope LOVE THAT!!! LOL, LOL
@Memmsmom Statement was that “I’d have spoiled the party had I [talked about Yale].” Wasn’t that it would be awkward. No mention of turning it into a competition. Just mentioning Yale would have ruined the party. For a kid who will be going to a top 10 university no less.
The context of the alleged “bragging” is critical here to me. It was by a mother at her son’s graduation party. If you cannot brag about your kid’s accomplishments at his own graduation party, where can you brag? My guess is there is a lot of bragging at graduation parties by parents whose kids are going to Ivies. Nothing wrong with that.
Would any mention of Yale be problematic? Just saying “Johnny is going to Yale” if asked? Would that make the Duke mom realize that other kids are going to better schools and thus feel bad about her son’s destination? Maybe asking guests to leave (that would spoil the party, right?)? Is that something that never occurred to her until Yale was mentioned? Did she know that but forget it after drinking Duke koolaid?
I am unaware of any high schools which send 100% of their graduates to Ivy League schools. So kids going to Ivies graduate with kids not going to Ivies. Notion here appears to be the only way the parents of an Ivy bound kid could attend a non-Ivy bound kid’s graduation party is to set in silence in terms mentioning the applicable Ivy. Or maybe it would work if the non-Ivy bound parents acknowledged at the beginning of the party (and maybe periodically during it) their kid is going to a different (and obviously inferior) level school.
Would the same concepts apply to kids going to elite LACs or top 20 schools who attend grad parties for kids going to state flagships? Or once you get below Ivy level is there so much inferiority no party could ever be spoiled? Or maybe those kids and parents just don’t have the smarts to know to feel awkward.
I ask these questions because the concept that talking about Yale at a grad party for a kid going to Duke would spoil the party is totally foreign to me. The mention of any other school at a Duke kid’s party spoiling anything doesn’t make sense to me (other than maybe North Carolina but that would be along the lines of mentioning Alabama at an Auburn grad party). I have attended a number of grad parties over the years with kids and their parents across all levels of colleges. Ivies, top 20, elite LACs, state U’s, directional U’s, LACs folks outside the state wouldn’t recognize and community colleges. Parents and kids talking about their schools and asking about other kid’s schools with no issues. And nothing coming within a million miles of parties be spoiled.
An exception to that likely will occur if the mention of the Ivy comes with arrogance and/or condescension. Couple I know (both of whom graduated from Harvard) can bring both in spades. Its gotten to be comical to my wife and I and other friends. Amazing thing is that the two Harvard grads can’t see it. At all. When I picture someone sitting at a graduation party listening to the host talk proudly about her son and his accomplishments and going to Duke and believing she needs to keep quiet about Yale lest the party is spoiled, I see both as well.
Is there a book of public opinion out there? Any room for differences of opinion there?
I could see using “Wow, that is a great school” and “Wow, That is impressive!” for kids going to Ivies, Duke and other top schools. BTW, which one is supposedly better?
All it takes is smarts to get into Duke?
Conventional wisdom here appears to be that absent a hook, gaining admission to an Ivy is something of a crap shoot. Lottery as you say. Wouldn’t the rational response to those who are qualified but in that lottery process do not gain admission be humility? Or it is just a lottery/crap shoot when you are applying/don’t get in but well deserved if you get in?
Here we all know kids who go to Duke,Georgetown,Chicago,Tufts, BC and other top schools. Ivies as well. Maybe that is the difference in how we approach grad parties and talking about schools our kids are attending?
@ElMimino Your remark of Thurston Howell reminded me of a great moment when I was an undergrad. There was a film society showing of the Jack Lemmon/Tony Curtis/Marilyn Monroe comedy classic “Some Like it Hot” on campus one night.
During one scene, the mobster villain (played by George Raft) and his rough-looking bodyguards are confronted by a police detective in the lobby of a resort. The detective says something about the “goons”. Raft’s character sarcastically replies something to the effect of: “Goons? They’re all Harvard men!” At this point, the Yale audience erupted in laughter and cheers!
@saillakeerie I think what you missed in my post is that there are many situations where its better to just not talk at all. Its not about being pretentious or implying that one is better than another. It is more about what many assume about each school based on the limited knowledge of both the academic offerings and the admissions process in general. Personally we know the differences because of what we have recently been through with admissions. We have seen kids that are at the top of their class get rejected from schools others thought were easy acceptances. And like my own kid who was 4th in her class but a whole lot more outside of school, we have seen great kids get into amazing schools because they were more than just a gpa and set of testing scores.
The point I was making is that there is a public perception that is out there and real. To bring up a school you know will raise eyebrows just for the sake of doing so at a party where there is another mom verbally excited about Duke is something I wouldn’t do. There is no point. There are plenty of times where my daughter is put in that position without having to instigate it. The comment was that a mom at a party was talking about her son’s acceptance to Duke. Not the mom of a kid at “their” party.
Now if I didn’t like that mom? Or her kid? Well all bets are off then… I am human after all.
There’s a super-important distinction here:
There’s faux humility driven by a sense of quiet superiority (yuck) and there’s just shutting up because, like it or not, lots of people have lots of baggage about some of these big name schools (HYPS). So much baggage in fact, that sometimes you just can’t win. If you mention it, you’re bragging. If you don’t, you’re being condescending. If you use the wrong tone … ugh, the list goes on. It isn’t true of everyone – thankfully – but it happens a LOT. Too many movie mentions driving too big a place in the cultural imagination? Really, I have no idea. It just happens, and it’s a pain in the neck. (Being old helps because nobody asks/cares any more.)
So if your kid is headed for a great school like Duke? Enjoy knowing that your kid is going to get an equally amazing education and you and they can be equally proud of their achievement, but you all also won’t have to deal with QUITE so many weird assumptions. It’s a gift.
Regarding ElMimino’s and T26E4’s comments on Thurston Howell, etc … I have something in the something in the same vein but a little more ghoulish. I happened to be at the Yale Club in NYC on the afternoon when Ted Kaczynski, aka “the Unabomber” was taken into custody years back … when CNN announced that he was a Harvard grad, cheers and toasts went up all over the club!
“So if your kid is headed for a great school like Duke? Enjoy knowing that your kid is going to get an equally amazing education and you and they can be equally proud of their achievement, but you all also won’t have to deal with QUITE so many weird assumptions. It’s a gift.”
Disagree. In our neck of the woods Duke has a better recognition than Yale - probably due to Blue Devils. So I see a lot of jaw drops when mentioning kid at Duke. To me assuming otherwise (that Yale brings more recognition and thus more jaw drops) is at the root of the problem OP brought up .