<p>I think the deacriptive language was great! However, I think you should have included how it has impacted you today a bit more. Good luck!</p>
<p>Initially, I was loving it, it was great, but then the end... You try to sum up a humorous story with some infantile and hackneyed "point." </p>
<p>"I existed to help another"</p>
<p>Blah blah blah... What a terrible main idea, and totally unconnected to the main body of the essay. Its a great story, I loved it, but it really has nothing to do with college. Your pathetic ending shows how desperate you are to find a connection.</p>
<p>haha nefarious driver.....thats excellent
but what the **** does that tell the adcoms about you (since you're applying to their SCHOOL)</p>
<p>I think that's a bit harsh brenner. But yea i guess you're right about the theme of the story being bad.</p>
<p>Hm.......I'm just going to be honest.</p>
<p>It wasn't very funny, you stretched a metaphor for far longer than you should have, and the language could have used a little flair.</p>
<p>agahahahahaha.</p>
<p>One thing u guys are not understanding is the fact that this essay was how a situation impacted me, not how I love Penn. There is a separate essay for that. I thought my ending was weak too compard to the rest of the paper, but it was pertinent. I did not want to stray TOO far from the point. What u guys do not realize is that the greatest college essays are written on simple thing vis-a-vis tieing one's shoes for the first time, taking a bath, eating ur first ice cream, etc. Just look at the Princeton Review about essays.</p>
<p>The point I was trying to make was how this seemingly impossible task (at the time) of riding on the school bus turned out okay because I made someone else feel comfortable. Moreover, the whole "serve another" part tied into the ideal vision of a soldier. What does a soldier do? his purpose is to irrevocably serve his country without fail. It might have seemed uncreative, but blah. Anywho, thanks for the thoughts.</p>
<p>Sorry to say, but theyve got a point. The analogy is stupid.</p>
<p>I say this because your analogy of war, is going to be compared with some people submitting and have submitted the real thing.</p>
<p>People who are living in countries suffering from conflicts and applying are going to make your essay look like crap. (Also theyve probably read abt people and the real deal before) so theyre going to assume yours isnt serious and is inconsiderate.</p>
<p>The problem with your essay is not that it's on a relatively trite topic. It's the way that you approach it- by linking triviality to something that is definitely not trivial. I personally didn't think it was very funny, and was taken aback with the analogy to war. Maybe your teachers or whoever read the essay laughed at it because it goes along with your personality or something, but the adcoms don't have this familiarity with you. So you should have given it to someone who really didn't know you at all and asked for their opinion. At the very most the adcoms will hate it; at the very least, they'll question your judgement on taking a risk that had a low chance of paying off.</p>
<p>Of course, none of this really matters since you already sent it. Who knows, come April you might receive acceptance letters and then a personal letter from your regional adcom saying how much they loved your essay.</p>
<p>i've already recieved a likely letter from duke.</p>
<p>it worked, after I read the first line, I cracked my ass off</p>
<p>this essay is inane and crazy, they will think think ur nuts. this doesnt tell me anything about u, if i were the admissions id think u were weird. im a current student, just givin u a heads up my dear. oh and i agree w. some ppl above, the war is a sensitive topic not to be compared with going to first grade, i have a feeling that even though you dont mean it offensively, people will be put off by the comparisons.</p>
<p>great essay!</p>
<p>Um, are phantoms capable of firing ballistic missiles?</p>
<p>Crypto your comments are all well and good, except that you seem to think that the only people suffering in Iraq- or in the Vietnam war- were American soldiers...
Well if anything the Viets and the Iraqis are the ones suffering most through the typical US approach: shoot anything that moves and bomb the hell outta everything.
I'm sure you've been exposed to the US' one-sided and unabashedly patriotic "coverage" of the war- but what you've seen is not the real war. It's a sugar-coated, stars and stripe-smeared, one-dimensional version of the war (which shouldn't even be called a war. carnage would be more suitable. bloodpath also fits nicely).</p>
<p>One American soldier gets kidnapped: headlines around the world, international scandal. 100,000 Iraqi civilians dead: who cares? In fact, we should blow the whole middle east to hell! That'll teach the turban wearing b*******!</p>
<p>Want to see how the US has 'democracised' Iraq?
<a href="http://www.robert-fisk.com/iraqwarvictims_mar2003.htm%5B/url%5D">http://www.robert-fisk.com/iraqwarvictims_mar2003.htm</a></p>
<p>Warning though, the above link isn't for kids or very sensitive people. This site ain't pretty, but then again has war ever been?</p>
<p>Personally, I wasn't offended, and I liked the essay. I think it's well-written, but I do see why some adcoms might not like it. I think many of the comments regarding the are going way too far. You're obviously not trying to downplay the tragedies of war, "Well, the sensations of battle are about as foreign to me as eating peas with ketchup", this essay isn't really about war. I think people are being a little too sensative and are making this isn't something it's not. However, they do have a point, and some adcoms might react similarly to many of the posters on this thread.</p>
<p>And I'm not at all offended by the essay. If anything I'm frustrated at people's black&white view of the war in Iraq.</p>
<p>good point. Well, my essay has beeb here for so long that I feel the controversy is a plus. I mean, love it or hate it, at least it was not boring.</p>
<p>but what do i know lol</p>
<p>nicj3333, I saw less than 2 pages of the pics of suffering Iraqis and had enough. Those images are really powerful, and I know they're going to haunt my dreams. However, wasn't that site a little one sided too? I think there has been some good done in Iraq, I mean a dictatorship couldn't have been any better, right? RIGHT?????
(I'm Canadian, so excuse my ignorance) btw, I don't think any coverage on war has ever been objective, there have always been some lies or veiled, less prominent lies in every coverage.</p>
<p>it's all lies...and I love how they call the Iraqis who defend themselves against the foreign occupation "insurgents"...if wonder how we'd look at it if we were the Iraqis...</p>
<p>i hope i did not offend anyone, considering how those pics are really powerful and moving.</p>