read my personal essay

Applying to College
1

<p>could you read/critique this please?</p>

<p>Topic: Why do you want to become a teacher?</p>

<p>.
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<p>I haven’t been on a waterbed since I was eight. My delinquent cousin forced me to watch the Freddy movie where the kid gets trapped on the inside of his waterbed and his mom finds him when she is doing his laundry. Though the physics of such a move are basically impossible, I refuse to get on a waterbed. One time Ben Beetam tried to throw me onto his, not believing me when I said I was afraid of them. I ended up breaking his GI Joe when I cracked him upside his head with it for trying to throw me on one of those deathtraps.</p>

<p>I think that’s a pretty cool story.</p>

<p>I think that’s what’s important: cool stories. I know I’m not the only kid who is afraid of waterbeds or who used an action figure as a method of combat. I want to hear other people tell me stories so I can relate and if I don’t have any similar experiences, I’m sure someone else would. </p>

<p>That’s the problem with English teachers, or at least the caffeine-addicted proud grandmothers of three that I had to listen to through high school. They want to teach you how to write, but then they never let you. I learned what an adjective was, but I never got to use it to describe a person, place, thing or idea that I cared about. My radness cannot be gauged in a five paragraph essay about the use of snake skin in the Dance With Wolves movie. </p>

<p>I’m way too unique for that, and so is everyone else.</p>

<p>If there is one thing I can implement in my classroom that I learned from my classroom, I know what it would be. I don’t know if I want to tell you, because you might steal it. Don’t steal it. Just remember the GI Joe story.</p>

<p>If a writer is not a part of their writing, it’s not their writing. I will allow my students to say “I” in a paper, and I think teachers who don’t allow that shouldn’t make the students put their name at the top of the assignment, because it’s not really theirs. I’ve learned that once it becomes acceptable to leave yourself out of your writing, it can’t truly be a learning environment.</p>

<p>I’m a normal guy. I’ve tripped over cats and I’ve hit my head on car doors. I think my exceptional normalcy will make me an epic teacher, and I’m glad you all got to meet me.</p>

2

<p>c'mon peoplez</p>

3

<p>I like it- BUT....take out the part about the caffeine-addicted grandmothers. One of them might be reading your essay!</p>

4

<p>dude, its pretty much the worst thing i have ever read. rewrite it, and stop using **** like this "I’m way too unique for that, and so is everyone else."</p>

5

<p>thanks for the opinions
more?</p>

6

<p>
[quote]
I’m way too unique for that, and so is everyone else.
I’m a normal guy. I’ve tripped over cats and I’ve hit my head on car doors. I think my exceptional normalcy will make me an epic teacher, and I’m glad you all got to meet me.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Direct contradiction and i really can't see a good reason. Don't criticize teachers directly also b/c that shows nothing good about u. In general the essay doesn't really tell me anything about u. Instead it's basically saying this random story inspired to become a teacher. I can't see ambition, passion or anything. I would erase it and rewrite it seriously.</p>

7

<p>To be candid, I find your essay wandering all over the place without any real point of view. Had a hard time following it and can't wait for it to end. Good chance some adcoms will feel same way too. Also, I have different expectation from my own English teacher than what you describe.</p>

8

<p>ditto, i didnt even finish it cuz the intro was so boring...the truth hurts</p>

9

<p>When writing essays, remember to keep it positive at all times. Instead of criticizing something, praise the alternative. For example, instead of dwelling on how bad you perceive your English teachers to be, write positively about the ideal English teacher you aspire to be.</p>

<p>You might consider discarding most of what you've written except for the second-to-last paragraph, and opening with a revised version of that.</p>

<p>More importantly, though, you might want to carefully analyze your view of your intended profession. What would happen if students were never taught how to put sentences and ideas together (or by logical extension, spelling, grammar, etc.), and were only encouraged to tell "cool stories?"</p>

10

<p>sounds a little arrogant</p>

11

<p>to tell u the truth, this essay is very bad</p>

12

<p>I think you mastered one aspect of essay writing. This conveys a strong impression of your personality.</p>

13

<p>The theme and personality of your essay is good. You need to refine it a lot. Perhaps you want to change your diction a bit? It's good that it is conversational, but you may want a bit more style.</p>

14

<p>i don't get your sarcasm. bad essay</p>

15

<p>Haha. OK, thanks for the opinions, I'm the one who threw out it out there for critique. I'd love to just get more elaboration from some of those who just gave phrase answers. If it's a bad essay, just tell me why. I'm not arguing with you, just wanted more for my own improvement.</p>

16

<p>"I’ve hit my head on car doors."</p>

<p>We know.</p>

17

<p>You come off as very cynical in the essay. Especially when you have the audacity (this is how adcoms will see it) to criticize teachers. You also criticize the scholarly task of literary analysis. I think adcoms will think that you're arrogant and would be a negative asset to the community @ their university. You might even offend some of them.</p>

<p>And the bit about allowing students to write in first person, well it makes you seem a bit ignorant. I know that you are offering your own opinion about how first person makes a piece seem more personal, but it seems like you don't understand the fact that scholarly essays and formal writings are written in third person for a legitimate reason.</p>

<p>Then, the first paragraph has nothing to do with your essay. And, you even threatened the adcoms with hitting them with a GI Joe if they steal your idea. </p>

<p>The overall tone of your essay is not one that would sit well with adcoms, and I even think it could severely limit your chances, even if you were a perfect applicant in other areas.</p>

<p>Someone already pointed out the parts where you contradict yourself. And the fact that you say you are "normal" is a bad thing. Adcoms want to know what makes you unique and why you're an asset. If you're just a "normal guy" who trips over cats, then why should you be admitted into their university and why should you become a teacher?</p>

18

<p>I apologize for my sarcastic comments. I will try to explain some of the worst characteristics of this essay.</p>

<p>Good teachers should have some basic attributes. They need to have some mastery of the subject matter. They need to have a love of learning and the ability to inspire students with that love. A good teacher should have patience and the ability to understand the student's perspective.</p>

<p>You essay is very poorly written. Even for a HS student, your essay does not indicate that you have learned much about writing. </p>

<p>Your essay does not indicate a love of knowledge or learning. Instead you have a smug, know-it-all attitude and show contempt for your teachers.</p>

<p>There is no indication that you have patience or the ability to teach others. Instead, it can be assumed that your attitude toward students will be the same as your attitude towards your teachers. You do not seem to have much tolerance for alternate points of view.</p>

<p>Finally, any tendencies toward violence are absolutely unacceptable for anyone in the teaching profession. Your comments about using a GI doll as a weapon and cracking a friend in the head are very disturbing. Even worse you mention that the GI doll incident indicates how you intend to behave as a teacher. I can only hope you will understand that this is a totally unacceptable attitude for someone who wants to become a teacher.</p>

<p>I hope you will consider other careers.</p>

19

<p>
[quote]
Your comments about using a GI doll as a weapon and cracking a friend in the head are very disturbing.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That was when I was 8. lol.</p>

20

<p>"Your essay does not indicate a love of knowledge or learning. Instead you have a smug, know-it-all attitude and show contempt for your teachers."</p>

<p>I agree. Both of your essays that I read indicate a contempt for teachers, education, adcoms, etc. and IMO are the kinds of essays that lead to college rejections. From what you've written, you don't have respect for the educational establishment, so perhaps you should consider a career path that doesn't require college. Another alternative would be to take a gap year that would give you time time to acquire more insight into the world.</p>