read my essay pretty please, it is not the best, but just a rough draft. Many thanks!

College Essays
1

<p>here it is...</p>

<p>Many of us go through the world seeking the truth behind our lives. We seek the </p>

<p>knowledge to know our purpose and reasons for being on this planet. Many seek the </p>

<p>simple task of knowing what their destiny should be, but what many of us fail to realize is </p>

<p>that while searching for this, there is one thing that will give us our answers. That one</p>

<p>thing is knowledge of all that is capable of being known. The idea of knowing one’s </p>

<p>destiny is inane for you can not know your destiny, but instead create it. You create </p>

<p>your own destiny through the knowledge that you acquire through the journey that is </p>

<p>life.</p>

<pre><code>I, as along with many other people, have endured many hardships; long nights
</code></pre>

<p>spent crying and listening to music to ease the pain to working out to numb the heart </p>

<p>ache, many of us deal with these hardships in different ways. We, humans, think of life</p>

<p>as it is now, we do not look at the near future; at the future spouse, the future college, the </p>

<p>future end. We are stuck in the present and fail to realize certain aspects that we can alter.</p>

<p>I have learned over the years, although I am only seventeen, that knowledge and</p>

<p>intellectual thinking is key. They are the key to understanding the morals, ethics, </p>

<p>philosophies, and thoughts that others live by. Through finding this key, I have came to </p>

<p>the conclusion that my destiny, which I have created, is to gain as much knowledge as </p>

<p>I can, and to have an impact on this world. This impact will be through writings, </p>

<p>researches, and other aspects. But what is this impact? It is the impact to show </p>

<p>everyone that they can understand and manufacture their own being; that they are not </p>

<p>destined to be like the dinosaurs. The impact to make others realize what their mind</p>

<p>can truly do, yes they will need to realize this on their own, but the help that this </p>

<p>impact would create would give the person a sense to pursue their thoughts and not be </p>

<p>afraid of the truth; the truth that true love hurts, that death awaits us all, that life</p>

<p>is like the ocean, calm at some points, then destructive at others, that whether you</p>

<p>are gay, lesbian, or straight you are who you are, and that who you are is the person who </p>

<p>can make the world’s jaw drop; that every person posses the tools and mechanics to </p>

<p>leave a forever imprinted foot print. </p>

<pre><code>My life, whether it be short or long, will count because I do not just want to
</code></pre>

<p>make an impact in this world, I will. Earth is the world that is filled with many mysteries</p>

<p>and puzzles, but my mind is the universe that incorporates the earth and has all the </p>

<p>pieces.</p>

2

<p>any input would be greatly appreciated.</p>

3

<p>First, I went through your paper and cut out what my English teacher called “dead wood.” I came up with this:</p>

<p>Many through life seeking the truth behind it. We seek</p>

<p>knowledge of our purpose and reasons for being here. Most simply seek their destinies, not</p>

<p>realizing while searching for this, there is one thing that will give us answers. That one</p>

<p>thing is vast knowledge. The idea of knowing one’s</p>

<p>destiny is inane, for you cannot know your destiny, only create it. You create</p>

<p>your destiny through knowledge you acquire on the journey of life.</p>

<p>I, not alone, have endured many hardships. We each deal with these hardships in a </p>

<p>different way. However, we all think of life</p>

<p>as it is now. No one of us looks at his “to be”, at his future spouse, at his future college, </p>

<p>or at his future end. We are stuck in the present and fail to realize we can alter certain </p>

<p>aspects.</p>

<p>I have learned over the years, although I am only seventeen, knowledge and</p>

<p>intellectual thinking are key. They are the key to understanding the morals, ethics,</p>

<p>philosophies, and values. By finding this key, I have come to</p>

<p>the conclusion that my destiny, which I have created, is to gain as much knowledge as</p>

<p>I can, and to have an impact on this world. This impact will be through writings,</p>

<p>research, and more. But what is this impact? It is the showing</p>

<p>everyone they can understand and manufacture their own being; that they are not</p>

<p>destined to be like the dinosaurs. The impact to make others realize what their mind</p>

<p>can truly do; yes, they will need to realize this on their own, but the help this</p>

<p>impact would create would encourage the person to pursue their thoughts and not be</p>

<p>afraid of the truth–the truth that true love hurts, that death awaits us all, that life</p>

<p>is like the ocean, calm at some points, then destructive at others, that whether you</p>

<p>are gay, lesbian, or straight you are who you are, and who you are is the person who</p>

<p>can make the world’s jaw drop; that every person posses the tools and mechanics to</p>

<p>leave an eternal foot print.</p>

<p>My life, short or long, will count, because I do not just want to</p>

<p>make an impact in this world, but will. Earth is filled with mysteries</p>

<p>and puzzles, but my mind is the universe that incorporates the earth and has all the</p>

<p>pieces. </p>

<p>Even with the decreased wordiness, your essay is still arrogant–one of the most arrogant missives I’ve ever read. Try some humility.</p>

4

<p>Keep in mind that your admissions officer will be an adult. I doubt that they will want to read the pontificating of a seventeen year old. Not to be mean, but I would not send that essay in. Remember who your audience is.</p>

5

<p>I think you should add what exactly your “hardships” were. Everyone goes through rough patches in their lives. The admissions officer probably wants to see how you grew from the difficulties. For example, I wrote my college essay on how I was a bully and made this one girl’s life pretty miserable for almost five years. Then followed this up with what I learned and how it impacts the way I treat other people.</p>

6

<p>Me neither, I think it is way too impersonal, very wordy - needs to be more concise, perhaps be more narrative, add a specific situation into it. trhutchins3’s edit might be more brief and less wordy but both versions seriously need more grammatical revision.</p>

7

<p>Many grammatical errors. Becomes quite redundant. Just simply not an entertaining essay to read.</p>

8

<p>What kind of schools are you planning to apply to?</p>

9

<p>So basically you’re saying that:</p>

<p>1) You have the choice to make your own destiny
2) The reason you are alive is so that you can gain knowledge and in doing so leave a vestige of yourself behind in the world so you can be remembered.</p>

<p>LMAO you could have just said that haha :)</p>

<p>Interesting. Forgive me for being abrasive, but you could have laid out a pseudo-thesis statement right off the bat, perhaps something like:</p>

<p>Everybody has the choice to create his or her own destiny; my choice is to leave a vestige of myself behind in this world so that I can be remembered.</p>

<p>Then, elaborate, using specific examples from your life to prove your point of view. Oh yeah, and I would not recommend mentioning “gay, straight, and lesbian” people in your essay because you might wind up offending someone.</p>

10

<p>

Been there. Done that.</p>

<p>

The idea of knowing one’s destiny is inane, for one cannot know one’s destiny–one must create it instead. <–something to this effect. Know proper English conventions before you go out and give this to an admissions officer/reader.</p>

<p>

You can use a more specific example or one that appeals more to pathos (emotional appeal). Nights spent listening to music to “calm the pain” seems tried–in a bad way, that is. Instead of “I, as along with many other people,” you could put “Along with many other people, I…” or “I, like many other people,” too.</p>

<p>

This phrase is overused and used by too many -wannabe- “classic” writers. Use something else and maybe the reader won’t see you as an amateur, to be honest.</p>

<p>You attempted to use a number of rhetorical devices in this essay, and you failed. Repetitions could have been utilized more effectively if they were placed in the right spots. Also, you need to build a more complex vocabulary. Many words are repeated–let me show you the list.</p>

<p>seek
destiny
truth
IMPACT</p>

<p>These are some quotations from your work that could potentially be tweaked to have a stronger effect on your reader. I won’t tell you how to fix them–it’s your choice.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Here are some passages I personally REALLY hate.</p>

<p>

No. It is not because I am homophobic, but it is because it seems to me that this is just thrown in here with no apparent reason. It’s a pizza, but you could replace it with tacos and it would still taste the same.</p>

<p>

Like someone said, this is arrogant. You are not the whole world. You are not the most important individual in the world.</p>

<p>

Yes? And?</p>

11

<p>I would not send that essay in at all

  1. It is too “global” - it is not personal
  2. We learn nothing about you
    Make it personal, make it real…it gets lost in a world of “we as humans…” be real in your writing, and let the admissions people know who you are
    Hope this helps and good luck!</p>
12

<p>Lost me after the first sentence.
Start completely over.
Preferably an experience or situation or maybe just more colorful writing :)</p>

13

<p>It’s pretty crap. I can whip up a solid statement of purpose in 30 mins for any UG course. I’d need your CV/grades, but yeah.</p>

14

<p>it sounds too pompous. an essay that skates over broad themes like love, death and the world but does not attempt any authentic engagement with these themes turns out being superficial and overbearing. </p>

<p>the opinions u express aren’t opinions that an essay reader would say are yours and uniquely yours. everyone wants to “change the world”, “make an impact” and i think hardly anyone would disagree as to the value of pursuing knowledge when studying at a university or college. if these are indeed your convictions, show them rather than just tell us.</p>

15

<p>Sounds more like a graduation speech then a personal essay. You should really focus on you individually and not “us humans”</p>