Read my practice essay and critique?

<p>Hey everyone,</p>

<p>I'm studying for the PSAT and SAT tests for this year. I just wrote an essay a few minutes ago for practice and i thought it was rather rambly.</p>

<p>Could someone read it and offer a critique/honest opinion of what I ought to work on?</p>

<p>Thanks in advance!! :)</p>

<p>Here is the prompt: Do people accomplish more when they're allowed to do things their own way?</p>

<p>IMO, i feel like the examples are weak and stuff but I am sort of tired and this is my 2nd practice essay so hopefully I can improve </p>

<p>People generally do well when they know what the goal is and have some basic sort of guideline on how to accomplish the task. Although it is true for some extraordinary people that large amounts of flexibility and no specific requirements aid them in their work, for us mere mortals, we require some instructions, some level of structure in our professional lives. Most jobs today require that a certain task be completed succesfully, whether it be solving a problem as a consultant or acing a course as a student. Scientists such as James Watson have a much higher degree of flexibility in their jobs (i.e. they generally do not have to produce results by a strict deadline) and what is true for Watson is not necessarily true for the majority of people and this point is repeatedly demonstrated in everyday life.</p>

<p>One example could be that of an independent study of a class. Many of my friends, at least some point in their high school career decided to undertake a self study of an AP class so that they could pass the test succesfully and fulfill whatever goal that they had. Nearly all of these people chose to invest in two key materials: a reviewbook and a textbook. Their reasoning was simple-we need to know what exactly to study, and an organized resource for the material. The exam covers only specific topics and therefore it would be useless to try and study random aspects of the subject when your goal is to be successful on the exam. The best way to conduct such a study is to have a book that covers these selected topics and a reviewbook with questions off old exams. Although it is arguable that this is not the best way to learn, it is the best way to accomplish the task of passing the exam, and ultimately, in our lives, in order to be successful, we must accomplish many similar tasks.</p>

<p>This same reasoning could be applied to the jobs such as a firefighter or police officer. In both of these occupations, there is a clear procedure that they must follow when carrying out their respective duties. This is partly due to the extreme time constraints under which they must operate- a few seconds counts for a lot when pursuing a criminal or rescuing someone from a fire. Simply put, if firefighters were allowed to try and put out fires in any way that they wished, it is likely that some attempts would be successful and the majority not. There is simply not enough time to think up creative and successful ways to solve these problems-they must successfully carry out their duties in an effective and efficient manner. Additionally, under positions such as these, where they must present the public, certain standards of professionalism must be met. When a police officer is confronting a criminal, his first instinct is to try and have a peaceful surrender. However, if this is not feasible, he then turns to tested and true tactics that have repeatedly worked. In such a situation, if the officer 'chose to do things his own way' something worse might come out of it. </p>

<p>Although improvisation is a must in almost all professions and aspects of life, it is usually better to have some baseline or at the least a general guideline of what to do. Our world today is largely task oriented-we need to get something done, and we need to get it done by this time. In such situations, at least for most people, there simply is no time for testing of various different methods and no room for error in case something unfortunate happens. We have to act, and act swiftly and while flexibility is important, there must be some standard or procedure to go by. This tends to be true for both a student and a member of the workforce.</p>

<p>ouch, just reread it and found some awkward sentences/glaring errors and other stuff… 44 views and no response! could someone give me some feedback? thanks!</p>

<p>No one? Anyone? I know it isn’t too well done but does anyone have an idea of what I should work on? Sorry for the double bump!</p>

<p>I read it yesterday but I didn’t then have time to comment.</p>

<p>The essay is a bit wordy and even repetitive at times. You can remove a sentence here and there without affecting your argument or compromising the overall style. There are a handful of grammar errors, all small, and not unexpected in a draft. I recommend that you avoid using “uncommon” punctuation – such as the “-” in the “simple-we”. I personally use these in my writing, but there’s no point in trying these out with unknown readers.</p>

<p>I like the sophistication, style and sentence variety of your writing. Your approach is certainly in the spirit of what makes for a 12 essay.</p>

<p>My sense is that this will get you a 10 or 11. You certainly have the making of a “12” essay writer.</p>