Read my scholarship essay please!

College Essays
1

<h2>Hey- I'd really appreciate it if you could read my essay and provide feedback and critique. Thank you so much!</h2>

<p>Tell us about your career aspirations and plans to fulfill those aspirations through short and long term goals upon leaving high school. Please include examples of how The First Tee has helped you in setting these goals.</p>

<p>To describe my career aspirations in 350 words or less is a challenging feat. Not because I am unaware of or am unable to describe or explain my aspirations but because 350 words is quite a limiting amount. Are my aspirations so insignificant that they can only be described in 350 words? Nonetheless, I shall welcome this challenge with open arms, for any challenge is meant to test its partaker. 290 words left.</p>

<p>I aspire to build; I dream of creating awe and inspiration among all audiences; I wish to construct an enveloping piece of art; I strive to become an architect. 248 words left.</p>

<p>My hankerings derive partly from a particular Eagle session. Coach Torean had said that our game is our own and that we must craft it to our particular liking. We must toil over the shots we have trouble with and embrace our successful shots. This sparked a creative interest within me. I realized that I wanted to apply his wisdom to my life and yearn to practice the art of making things our own, improving the mediocre, and praising the worthy while still creating art. 160 words left.</p>

<p>After and during high school, I dream of building homes for the less fortunate in third-world countries. I can say with certainty that I will be attending college in the fall after graduation to study architecture. In order for me to be accepted into a top architecture school, I will work diligently to achieve high marks. I will improve my time-management skills and always make sacrifices to earn the high grades that I need. After graduating architecture school, I plan to join an architecture firm to gain experience in the field prior to enrolling in graduate school. 60 words left.</p>

<p>Check back with me in twenty years. By then, I hope to be known as a prominent architect. If not, then I’ll be working on becoming one. It takes a lifetime to become masterful at anything. My goal is to take less than a lifetime to become prodigious. Success is achieved through diligence, devotion, and sacrifice. Done.</p>

2

<p>Um, the introduction seems like a failed attempt to be funny. It’s not funny. It’s not witty. You wasted 60 words. If you really want an introduction like this, say that you’re an architect, building a profile of your architecture self with only 350 words as your building material. Something along those lines should save you some words and will be much more closely tied to your topic. Plus, it takes out the cringing that I’m sure most readers would feel when they read the opening paragraph.</p>

<p>The rest of the essay is much better. I would suggest more showing and less telling (which could mean that you need to cut things). A good thing to cut, in my opinion? All but the topic sentence of the second-to-last paragraph. Someone who wants to be a renowned architect will obviously want good grades and such. No point in showing that. Tell about your passion.</p>

<p>Ultimately, this essay contains too much showing and not enough telling. You could easily tell a more compelling, 250-word essay than the current 350ish word essay that shows much more than it tells.</p>

<p>The framework and ideas are good, though. Shift your focus from showing why you want to be an architect/what you want to do to telling us the stories.</p>

3

<p>Hey- Thanks for the critique.
I wasn’t trying to be funny, but I completely understand what you mean and will certainly take that into consideration. I also appreciate your idea about describing the 350 words as building blocks.</p>

<p>Thank you!</p>