read UC prompt 1: unique.. please plaese please :)

College Essays
1

<p>this is what i have so far.. im thinking about ending it soon... does it flow.. good bad??</p>

<p>Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>I loved getting sick. The constant coughing, the sniffing, even the vomit attracted me. I mean I never used to take a whiff of a sneeze or a cough or wipe my mouth with a Kleenex covered in mucus just to catch a cold, but the bodily reactions are what interested me. This wasn’t video game time, but the time to think. What caused mucus flowing from my nostrils? How could it be treated? That last question always hit me hard. There was a plethora of treatments in the world. My personal favorite was the taste of honey, lemon, and cinnamon whisked together and then licked during coughing season. But those were the simple treatments that took days to cure; I was interested in the quick remedy: drugs.</p>

<p>I sat in my room, on my bed, flipping each page of the pharmacology book my dad had just given me. I had no idea what half the words meant, but it was all so interesting, especially the pictures and diagrams. Specific drugs for specific symptoms, plant extractions that help fight a certain disease- that is where I wanted to be.</p>

<p>My dad had a pharmacological degree from Sunderland, UK. He had such an immense knowledge in the world of pharmacy, and he always knew which medication was right when I had the flu.</p>

<p>“The medication with zinc is better,” he once told me at the drug store, as I watched in awe. “The zinc prevents the viruses from multiplying.”</p>

<p>“And what about Vitamin C? Isn’t that better?” I asked him, naively, typical 7-year-old.</p>

<p>He laughed, shaking his head. “Yep! That’s why you are supposed to drink orange juice everyday!”</p>

<p>He had a rough life though, trying to study for exams while cleaning the house and cooking. He stayed up late at night and woke up early in the morning to study. Yet, he was determined and he successfully graduated, holding his pharmacological degree.</p>

<p>It was this early attraction to the world of diseases, from the constant waves of sickness to the scrapes on my arm and knee, that made me want to be a pharmacist.</p>

2

<p>It’s an interesting idea, I actually really like your topic.
Here’s some critique I hope you’ll find useful, since your writing isn’t fluid in some places.
Take this sentence for example: “I mean I never used to take a whiff of a sneeze or a cough or wipe my mouth with a Kleenex covered in mucus just to catch a cold, but the bodily reactions are what interested me.”
‘I mean I’ sounds excessively conversational and the sentence as a whole is awkward.
Like instead “I never tried wiping my mouth with a freshly used Kleenex to try to catch a cold, but the bodily reactions of my sicknesses interested me.” Don’t use that (besides being copying, I just wrote that off the top of my head). Just for an example of alternative structure.</p>

<p>You talk about your dad and his degree, then abruptly go back to the fact that you’re attracted to the world of diseases. Try to fit in some sort of transition there, even if it’s as simple as saying “I want to be like him” in prettier words. Telling the adcoms HE was determined isn’t the same thing as YOU are inspired by his determination.</p>

3

<p>everlastingwish </p>

<p>thanks… yah im not done… i was gonna connect it to my inspirations too :slight_smile: but thanks… nice feedback!!!</p>

<p>so does this “fit” the prompt??</p>

4

<p>I agree with everlasting, are you focusing on your father as inspiration, or are you discussing your deep interest in pharmacology?</p>

5

<p>both… my deep interest in pharmacology was because of my father and how he inspired me. my main focus is pharmacology, but my father was a great asset that lead me to pharmacology…</p>