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I think this is absolutely the way to approach this.</p>
<p>There’s nothing you can do except offer emotional support and help your son put this in the proper perspective: sometimes you just can’t get what you want, even though you want it very, very much. A door closes, but another one opens. Then you have to shake off your disappointment and walk through that other door. And sometimes, remarkably, not getting what you wanted when you wanted it works out better for you in the end.</p>
<p>DS was rejected four years ago from #1 and #2 choice. They do eventually get over it. We reminded DS that if those colleges were easy to get into, everyone would get in. We also reminded him that there is valor in effort, and it’s always better to try than to not try at all. Like the baseball analogy, you will miss 100% of the balls you never swing at. I’d rather he go down swinging than looking. DS thrived at school #3 and had wonderful opportunities and choices for internships and grad schools. Our experience has been that the “smaller” or “lesser known” schools (and I say that while making obnoxious quotation signs in mid-air) have more room to flourish and thrive. Surprisingly, it didn’t soften that first blow of rejection during the grad school process, but he got over much more quickly.</p>
<p>Good luck to all of you going through this with your kids. A lot of good schools missed out on having the privelage of my son attending. 
It definately was their loss. DS ended up loving his school, and I can’t imagine him having been this successful in college anywhere else.</p>
<p>Nine (!) years ago DD1, intending to major in screenwriting, was rejected by USC. Was devastated - she KNEW she had to be in LA to follow her dream. Ended up attending a safety, LMU, without much enthusiasm… but at least she was in LA! First semester at LMU, started tutoring at elementary school in East LA as part of a class requirement (those Jesuits are all about service to others!). Fell in love with kids there, reminding her how much she had always loved teaching - swimming, Sunday school, etc. when she was in high school. Decided to switch major to psych - maybe to be a counselor, maybe a teacher - but definitely with at-risk kids. Transferred to UW-Seattle. Ended up with Teach for America in Miami - teaching at-risk kids. Now an Urban Scholar in Language/Literacy at Harvard Graduate School of Education, learning how best to teach at-risk kids having trouble reading. Will never want to stray far from the kids she loves and feels called to serve.
All because she KNEW she had to be in LA to follow her dream…
Hang in there, OP! As I’ve told our three kids, your goal is to get your boat in the stream… The current will sometimes take you to unexpected places. But first, you have to plunge in!</p>
<p>I think that supporting your kid through disappointments is a very hard part of parenting- but I encourage all of you to get good at it STAT.</p>
<p>My kids are well beyond the college decision. But resign yourselves to the fact that in the next 10 years you’ll need to be supportive over:
not getting a bid from a desired fraternity, not getting a summer job even after a Dean picks up the phone to call an alum to say, “Hire this kid”; having your dissertation proposal shot down because another, more talented student is already focused on that area; not getting into the top choice grad program, getting accepted into the top choice grad program but without full funding; having the thesis committee reject the defense (which means ANOTHER year of research and writing); being told by the “significant other” that he/she is accepting a fellowship at Oxford and no, the partner shouldn’t try to follow or even visit; not making law review; not getting a federal clerkship even though the kid DID make law review, graduated magna cum laude, and has 3 law professors who have given glowing recommendations, etc.</p>
<p>This is going to be the next 10 years. Your kids are going to be reaching for the brass ring and sometimes getting it, sometimes not. Nobody gets to win every award, take the blue ribbon at every event. There will be wonderful and magical experiences waiting for your kids at whichever college they end up at, and your job is to tell your kid that you are so proud of them for who they are, not for the college admissions they are able to rack up.</p>
<p>They can only attend one school. They only need one admission to be their entree into a terrific future. You love them regardless and unconditionally. Give them a few days to be sulky or hostile or quiet and then try to get everyone in the house excited about where they’re going next year.</p>
<p>Don’t be one of those parents who are pining away for what might have been long after your kid has moved on. I know several of those people. They are not fun to be around. They are always sniffing to see if someone with “lesser stats” or “a weaker application” managed to get into the school which denied their child. Yikes. Years later they are still harboring ridiculous feelings of hostility. I wonder how they manage to be supportive when their 30 year old mentions that he didn’t get the promotion at work he wanted or when their 35 year old tells them that she’s been passed up for partner but will try again next year.</p>
<p>Keep your powder dry. Lots more parenting a’coming.</p>
<p>^^^^^^Oh, so true.</p>
<p>Love it Blossom! Definitely so true!!</p>
<p>Tell him (or whatever S1 is) that there are many more disappointments to come in life. So what if he didn’t get in to his first choice? That’s life and part of being an adult - you have to make the most of any situation.</p>
<p>Great post blossom!</p>
<p>A year ago my son was denied at two Ivies and WL’s at a 3rd within an hour.</p>
<p>He was devastated. I was sick for him. He was able to move on by the end of the weekend and look at all his other options and is very happy where he is attending.</p>
<p>I carried the feelings of failing him for much longer-and I will still occasionally get a twinge that somehow if I had had him do something different he would he where he wanted to be.</p>
<p>The funny thing is he IS where he wants to be-and told me so on his spring break-can’t imagine himself anywhere else.</p>
<p>It is just a process like anything else. There will be so many more events in his life that as blossom points out will be tough-so we need to just “keep our powder dry”.</p>
<p>These kids will be OK-our job as their parents is to not project our own feelings of “failing them” into the situation and make it worse. I don’t think I did the best job of it last year-but he survived anyway in spite of me!</p>
<p>Hang in there! :)</p>
<p>Great posts Blossom and Tuxedocats! He is moving ahead (having eaten all his favorite foods for 2 days!) with number 3 but still annoyed. Believes if we lived elsewhere (instead of the uber competitive Northeast) he may have had a better result. Who knows! He has dealt with disappointment before and will again. (He wants to toss/burn the Tshirt - I say go ahead!) We’ve already told him - if it is this hard now then grad schools, jobs etc. where he’s again going up against the same caliber and pool of students will be just as hard. </p>
<p>The Class of 2012 is strong. They’ll hopefully be the strong and intelligent people we need in the future!!</p>
<p>Another '11 mom posting to agree that the rejection from #1 choice will fade in the rear view mirror. My son had a miserable two weeks, got some other great options, and loves, loves, loves where he is now. They are resilient and will thrive because of who they are, not where they are.</p>