rejected to SDSU- critique my appeal essay please??

State Forums
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I think it’s too long but I don’t know how to shorten it! All other criticism is welcome, too

To Whom It May Concern,

Everyone always says that SDSU is their dream school, but what do they truly mean by that? For me, SDSU displays a high-achieving and intelligent environment, many benefitting programs for our community, elite sports programs, and a loving diverse campus. SDSU is the only school I desire to attend as it is ranked a top university in California, so as you can imagine, I was very disappointed about being denied. Though SDSU admits the most high-achieving and successful students, I honestly believe that I am qualified enough for this fit. My grades and scores are just the tip of the iceberg about who I really am, as there is so much more about me that reveals my success and drive. This essay will display my accomplishments, how I overcame hardships, and what I have learned to sculpt my character into the person I am today.

I have always taken the most challenging classes to push myself and excel. However, I did not excel during the second trimester of my sophomore year, and this misfortune greatly lowered my high-ranking GPA. I overloaded myself by signing up for an all-academic schedule with two very difficult honors courses and an AP. I do not necessarily regret this decision since I have learned abundantly from the classes I took, but I do believe that spacing my schedule out would have enabled me to receive a higher aggregate overall GPA this term. On top of overwhelming classes, one of my teachers (my French teacher) treated me very unfairly and penalized me with grades I did not deserve. I do not blame my teacher for my poor performance as I take full responsibility for my results, but it was very difficult to deal with a teacher who would randomly lower my grade in the class even though no assignments or tests were added to the gradebook, graded me harsher than my other classmates, and even gave me homework that she did not assign anyone else in the class. With great frustration, I consulted with my counselor to discuss the issue. I persevered through the class, and with a hardworking attitude and persistence, I obtained a good grade. However, because I was so focused and spent most of my time on French, I had very little time to focus on my other subjects. I studied as hard as I could, but my efforts were unsufficient and my grades in the advanced classes suffered. During the same time, my best friend of many years became depressed and suicidal. It broke my heart and I tried helping her, but the stress from it got the best of me and affected my grades negatively as a result. I must say though, I am proud of my efforts because she changed as a person and is doing much better. During all of this, I was also being sexually harassed by an older guy. He ended up taking advantage of me, unsettled me by not taking “no” for an answer when it came to sexual activities, and even sent me a bunch of hate messages. He would say things like “I’m going to have sex with you anyways” even though I said no and he convinced me that he would drive to my house without my permission. This went on during the whole trimester as I was too scared and felt too inadequate to ask for help from an adult, but one day I snapped and reported the occurrence to my father. The issue ended and he has not been a problem since, but it mentally hurt me at the time which affected my performance in school. Even though all of these unfavorable issues occurred in my life, I do take full responsibility for my degraded GPA and I worked harder than ever to build my grades back up. I did not become a victim, and instead I took everything in as a lesson which made me improve significantly. These learning experiences have constructed me into a tougher and wiser girl, and I used my qualities to accomplish great things in the following years, especially my senior year.

As for academics, I am very passionate about physics and I know for sure that I want to have a college career based on physics. I have taken all the physics classes offered at my school and I am currently in AP Physics C E&M, which is the highest level of science offered at my school. I understand that very few women enroll in physics, (as there are only three other girls in my physics class) and I want to make a change to this statistic by working exceptionally hard to receive a physics degree. I know I have what it takes to major in physics at SDSU, as you can see that my GPA significantly improved after sophomore year. I had a strong desire to be an SDSU Aztec at the end of sophomore year, and with hard work and persistence I accomplished a 3.65 overall GPA my junior year and a 3.75 GPA my senior year (My transcript of these years is included in my packet). I also retook a class I received a D in (Honors Algebra 4) and earned an A the second time around. Along with improving my GPA significantly, I contributed to numerous programs at my school and I also work in the school’s cafeteria. On top of participating in the Red Cross Club, SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), Rock Climbing Club, Orchestra, and being the president of Badminton Club, I am currently contributing in the Amateur Radio Club by helping build a balloon that will rise to the stratosphere. My love of physics motivated me to join this club and I have dedicated many hours to this project. Along with my club participation, I have been a respected member of Mt. Carmel’s varsity gymnastics team, varsity cheer team, and track team. Even though I have worked very hard in all of these sports, I have grown to love both cheer and running the greatest. With discipline and hard work, I ran a marathon, and I earned a plaque for winning third in my age division. I am immensely passionate about cheer, and it is my dream to become an SDSU cheerleader. Acknowledging that SDSU holds a Division 1 cheer team makes me want to attend SDSU that much more, and I aspire to be a part of SDSU’s cheer team (I am attending the tryouts in April). To make this dream turn into reality, I attend many extra practices outside of my regular gymnastics schedule and I spend all of my money earned on open gyms just to practice my skills. I understand that I do not find out the final decision of my application until tryouts are over, but I will continue to stay in contact with the coach and in case I am unable to be part of the team this year, I am determined to work even harder to make the team the years to come. I have worked extremely hard for this and I know I have what it takes to attend this amazing school and contribute. SDSU has many opportunities to offer and I promise to take advantage of everything I can; especially the physics and cheer program. Being admitted to SDSU would mean more than the world to me and is definitely my top choice. I hope this essay displays my hardworking and achieving character and that I am continuing to work hard to attend such a spectacular school.

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Firstly, I think that they want to hear something different from your application, so this appeal may not help.
(Sorry, I wanted to be positive)
Secondly, your first paragraph is really weak, grammatically. Please go to one of your English teachers, like (Mrs. LT), to help you edit. I am a former sports team mom and former staff Sundevil.
I would write it completely differently, (e.g. from a physicist’s point of view or from a cheerleader’s viewpoint, you know like "Five, six, seven, eight!!! . . . . . )
MC students are stuck in that because of the boundary, you have to say that you will live on campus. MC students “belong” to San Marcos, so a lot of students aren’t aware of that. That is the deal SDSU has with San Marcos for students whose schools are north of the 56.

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my own errors: (“like Mrs. LT”)

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Sorry, my errors are worse than yours!

“MC students are stuck in that boundary limbo.”

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OK - I will be blunt - I didn’t read your essay - because nobody at SDSU will. Getting into SDSU, it is all about completing the right classes and having a high enough Eligibility Index. (CSU GPA*800 + M&R SAT) If they declined you, you didn’t meet the mark. If they missed something and your EI really is above their threshold, tell them so in 3 sentences or less. Short of that, no appeal is going to work.

What you think of their local service area and admission criteria is of no use or interest to them. Both of which are readily available. You must have known where you stood and, hopefully applied somewhere you KNEW you’d get in.

You are obviously you are a very passionate person.I encourage you to focus your passion on the doors that remain open to you. There are lots of other colleges that will offer a similar educational opportunity and career prospects.

Good luck.

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Ironically I talked to LT a week ago about it and she agreed to edit it! haha weird that you know her! You really think I should say I’m living on campus in the essay?? It already said I would be in my application. Is there anything else I should fix other than the first paragraph? Like is the length too long? @"aunt bea"‌

@NCalRent‌ seriously go away your advice isn’t helpful to me or anyone… literally all you do is go onto people’s threads just to tell them they won’t get in when in fact I CALLED THE OFFICE OF ADMISSIONS and they said my reasons were good enough to write an appeal, so obviously you’re wrong. I’m still gonna try and I have two teacher recommendations to help me so f you

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@"aunt bea"‌ you said they wanted to hear something different than my application, but none of the things I wrote about were on my application? SDSU doesn’t ask for extra curriculars in the applications and they have no idea I’m trying out for their cheer team so I’m confused by what you meant.

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@aunt bea it’s not letting me tag you

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Of course you can appeal but, few denials are overturned for reasons other than the stats.

Please start to think about plan B.

I sincerely hope it works out for you…

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@alfanier‌ You asked for advice and it was given to you, whether or not it was what you wanted to hear. You are asking for help on an internet forum, and you have to be prepared to get feedback from a myriad of people with different experiences, level of knowledge, etc. You talk in your essay about “sculpting your character” yet you lash out in all-caps and tell people to “f off.” What would SDSU think about that if they knew how you acted when asking for help? If you don’t get a response you were expecting from someone, it is much easier to brush it off, not respond, or just give the details you heard from SDSU without the shouty capitals or biting words. You are going to get much further in this life by being kind - I can definitely tell you that.

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@alfanier: You need to see LT and shorten the essay. (But do highlight your STEM interest in physics and state that you want to be reconsidered because of what you hope to contribute to the university “community”.) Don’t make it whiny and make it positive. Go into the alumni website and read up on the “verbage” that they use to describe the Aztec alumni, then use the same language in your essay.

(You need to understand the boundary thing because SDSU is really strict about it, and they are hamstringing our local students on it. A number of students from MC, Westview, Del Norte, RB and Poway are denied because they weren’t aware of checking the “on-campus” housing requirement. These students, north of the 56 “belong” to San Marcos.)

Good Luck! Remember, it doesn’t hurt to try!

Say hi to Lea for me! (she’ll know me as the “tennis” mom)

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@kgos16‌ well he didn’t help, all he replied with was “it won’t work”. I wanted helpful criticism, not demotion

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@"aunt bea"‌ yea ok I’ll definitely do that! Yea I know Lea I’ve known her since middle school who’s your child? Also, I went on the website but what “verbage” do you mean? And I’m not worried about the boundaries right now I’ll start worrying about that if I get in

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@NCalRent‌ Sorry I didn’t mean that I’m just pissed off already by being rejected. I’m sure you’re you’re trying to help and yes, I do have plan B I’m just still gonna try because you never know

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Thanks - I understand your frustrations and perhaps my intro as too harsh as well. I have seen people cling to unlikely dreams and allow other great opportunities to pass them by. Housing deposits are being collected at other campuses.

i hope SDSU works out for you.

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@NCalRent‌ yea I’m debating between CSUSM or miramar. I’m going to both campuses this weekend. Where did you go to school?

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I went to Santa Rosa JC then transferred to Sac State in the dark ages (before there was a CSU San Marcos). I’d say I’ve done pretty well from that foundation (i have an MBA from Sac as well and am now a marketing guy at a huge tech company) My son is a sophomore at Chico (which he loves) . I work with people with really prestigious degrees (Harvard, UCB and the like) and, I can tell you first hand, where you get your BS matters less than you think.

San Marcos is a good school, is developing a good reputation in the business community and some strong traditions. It is also a much more intimate environment than SDSU - which can really work in your favor. I know a couple of current SDSU students fairly well. They love it but, frankly, I wouldn’t do well at a really large campus like SDSU (even Sac has grown too big for my comfort.)

Miramar, I honestly don’t know much about. It would obviously save you some money and keep your doors open (you’d want to be sure they are ‘local’ to SDSU) - but, nothing is free. Transfer admission to competitive schools (SDSU included) is often more selective than it is for freshmen. (as a CC graduate) CCs also tend to attract students that aren’t as well prepared or motivated which colors your experience in myriad ways. (the mission of a CCs is very broad). My son’s friends that attend our local CC report it as High School 2.0 (and are not very motivated or prepared)

Also - transferring as a Jr can get in the way of internships, study abroad opportunities and other non-academic activities (sororities, etc)

If you have the budget - going straight to San Marcos will probably give you a more ‘collegiate’ experience. which it sounds like you are ready for.

Good luck

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@alfanier, you might know my son who graduated last year-Ben. Lea can tell you our last name. Use the Aztec references like: Monty, Love Library, etc. Go to LT immediately and have her check your essay immediately. Slash and burn, but make it concise.

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@"aunt bea"‌ quick question off topic- if we live north of the 56 but our school is south of the 56, would we have preference at SDSU? And do they still have any admission guarantees based on high school location? Thanks!

(You are not “taggable”)

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@sdgal2: Yep, that’s the deal SDSU has with San Marcos. The school has to be south of the 56 to give local preference to the local students for admission.