<p>I know a Mexican family strongly considering a similar arrangement, though they do have two younger children whose education the family does not want to interrupt, so the plan will probably come to nothing.
But I’m surprised at the vehemence of most of these responses, and the insistence on seeking professional counseling for mom. Some families do enjoy one another’s company, even during the college years. And some students – even those with strong personalities, high SAT scores, and multiple Ivy acceptances – do not mind spending a weekend evening at home escaping the dorm and enjoying home-cooked food. Most simply don’t have the opportunity.
I would think that the economic issues alone would be sufficient to torpedo this proposal, at least for the foreseeable future. But, in general, I really don’t see anything so objectionable if a family has the finances and flexibility to relocate in order to be closer to their college student or young adult.</p>
<p>Is your wife afraid that if your daughter is more independent, she wouldn’t need or love her mother more anymore? I don’t know how to have your wife understand that the kids still need the parents, it’s just the nature of the need changes. </p>
<p>We aren’t needed for the laundry service or the special meals before a big game, but we are still needed as a sounding board, the people on the other end of the phone that will always get her jokes, the people who still call her by her elementary school nickname, anchors when school is stressful or drama filled. The kids still need us. It is just different. And different doesn’t have to be worse.</p>
<p>POIH, with a school like MIT, you can’t be putting extra expectations on your kid to be spending weekends for you. Being within driving distance could be beneficial because of the stress level at MIT. If she is unhappy there but doen’t want to quit (and people who get into MIT often do not consider the easy way out,) then it could be beneficial. I don’t want to use the S-word, but I think some people who got very depressed there probably could have benefitted from being around their families to sort of reset their emotions. For whatever reason, some people at MIT don’t really establish a support network. Others (like cellardwellar’s kid) do establish support networks and thrive at MIT; it’s tough to predict who will be who and sometimes it can be random (an especially bad first roommate, etc.)</p>
<p>But you need to be thinking about her needs first and foremost. Maybe having an expectation that you take her out to dinner once a month might be reasonable.</p>
<p>"Some families do enjoy one another’s company, even during the college years. And some students – even those with strong personalities, high SAT scores, and multiple Ivy acceptances – do not mind spending a weekend evening at home escaping the dorm and enjoying home-cooked food. "</p>
<p>Sure, some families are like that, and in those cases, the kids usually go to college close enough to home in order to make the above things possible. It’s not as if California lacks excellent colleges. The D who got into MIT surely could have gotten into some of California’s outstanding colleges.</p>
<p>"do not mind spending a weekend evening at home "</p>
<p>Yeah, but how about EVERY weekend evening at home with Mommy?</p>
<p>I’m thinking of a line from the movie “Lilo and Stitch”: “Ohama means family. And family means no one gets left behind. Or forgotten.”</p>
<p>
Me too.
This insistence on getting the couple into therapy and assuming that there is something terribly wrong with the marriage is such a narrow <em>American</em> way of looking at this. Actually, the concept of going to a counselor or clergy with family problems is unthinkable and slightly ridiculous to many non-Americans. I know plenty of families who would love to do what the OP proposes if finances permitted and I have no doubt that the wife’s friends are encouraging her. </p>
<p>I’m not saying there’s not a problem here – the OP has lots of well-founded reservations. But even he admits he would like to be nearer to the daughter if financially possible.</p>
<p>OP does need to rethink the every weekend together part. This is not realistic at a school like MIT.</p>
<p>You are certainly caught between the proverbial rock and hard place. Your wife has banked all of her income for years so that she can and will be able to do what she wants. It sounds as if she is moving to be close to D no matter what–right or wrong for D or H it is a done deal. She has been working toward this financial independence. </p>
<p>I suggest counseling for you. A professional can help you work through the implications and perhaps help you draw your wife into discussions.</p>
<p>POIH, I feel so sad for the three of you. Your daughter, because her mother’s neediness must be such a burden on her. Your wife, because she must be absolutely terrified right now if she is willing to risk the end of her marriage rather than let her daughter go. You, because you are faced with a no-win situation.</p>
<p>Your wife is holding you and your daughter hostage emotionally. She is willing to risk the family’s financial security and is threatening to abandon you if you don’t let her have her way. She seems to be willing to compromise her daughter’s emotional and academic growth to assuage her own neediness (and yes, if your daughter has to live with her mom rather than in the dorm - even part time - she will not only miss out on some wonderful social situations and important learning experiences, but she won’t be able to work collaboratively on her p-sets at 3 am like everyone else). </p>
<p>I think that you and your daughter should go out for lunch and have a heart-to-heart. Ask her if in a perfect world she would prefer that you and your wife move to the East Coast with her, or if she would like you to stay in California so that she has a familiar place to come back to at breaks. Based on her answer, the two of you should come up with a plan to confront your wife and establish the ground rules for how the three of you are going to live your lives over the next few years. You and your daughter need to be kind but honest. I would recommend finding a family counselor to help you with this. There will be screaming and crying, and you will need a professional mediator to help you. But if you don’t address it now, these control issues will continue to plague all of you.</p>
<p>Tantrums should never be indulged, at any age.</p>
<p>I presume this couple came to the US for a reason; if not to live an “American” life and/or provide one for their daughter, then why?</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s “narrow” to think that there is something wrong with moving across the country to follow the D to school, and that whatever it is that IS wrong is NOT going to magically fix itself. The mother needs something, and encouragement to keep following her D around is not it. </p>
<p>Sorry that’s seen as “narrow” and “American” to you, anneroku, but there are Asians on this very thread who have said they see something wrong with the mother’s behavior, too; 'tain’t just the Americans!</p>
<p>I know of two families that did this. It worked out well for them, so I don’t think it is necessarily always a negative thing. The issue become whether the parents are going to be able to support themselves and make a life and living where they are moving. In the case of the two families I know (and one did have a child going to MIT), they were able to do so. </p>
<p>A very precious gift to give your children is to make sure you, the parents, can take care of yourselves as the children set out on their own lives. H and I are currently taking care of moms, both his and mine who did not do so. It takes a tremendous toll from our family. In their cases, it had nothing to do with moving to be with us. However, if you move to where your D is going to college and cannot get a job or set into a community to be self sufficient yourselves, it is going to be a drag on your D as she attempts to make a life for herself. </p>
<p>If you can find a job where she goes to college and are willing to make a home there, that is fine. Are you expecting to follow her whereever she may go thereafter? She may well not stay in her college town/city. </p>
<p>It’s also nice for kids to have home/sanctuary to return to when things get a bit tough at college. I know my kids were glad to leave home, but glad to come home as well.</p>
<p>POIH, I’ve always gotten the sense that you’ve always put your daughters needs first. There’s no shame in that, and I do the same thing. From what I can see, your daughter’s needs are best served now on the one hand by making sure you can pay for college, but on the other hand, by keeping your wife in check at least a little to prevent her from hovering too close to your daughter’s detriment. I fear that without your moderating influence, she’ll end up in Cambridge expecting D over twice a week for dinner and will be very lonely otherwise. Your D on the other hand, will be “drinking from the firehose” and simply will not have time to meet your wife’s emotional needs. It is very important that meeting your wife’s emotional needs not become your D’s responsibility.</p>
<p>I’m starting to really appreciate why the idea of moving to NYC or Connecticut with your wife will accomplish both of your objectives provided that you can find suitable employment to maintain your D at MIT. I sincerely wish you the best of luck. </p>
<p>BTW, my brother in Manhattan tells me that 15% of the apartments in his building are vacant and that the landlords are lowering rents just to keep tenants. The economy is real bad, but if you can find the right situation, the weak rental market can be your friend.</p>
<p>OK- let me see if I have this straight. </p>
<ol>
<li>Mom has the money to go east and will do so no matter what. Even if she doesn’t have a job. </li>
<li>Dad would like to go east but is concerned because of the economic/financial implications</li>
<li>D has suggested an East Coast location of 3 hrs from her</li>
<li>D could still end up at a CA school although most likely at MIT. </li>
</ol>
<p>Can the family afford mom going east but dad remaining in CA?
How would the D feel if only the mom goes east and not the dad?
In a divorce, how would the money be impacted?
How would dad handle that scenario?
How would mom handle that scenario? </p>
<p>These are questions for the OP to consider, I think. This is terribly difficult for the OP and my heart goes out to him and his family. While many folks here think that counseling is in order, I cannot join the “get into therapy” bandwagon. I don’t think that counseling is going to help anyone unless they themselves see the need for counseling.</p>
<p>It is very sad. Seriously, best of luck to you and your family, POIH. I know everyone’s heart is in the right place.</p>
<p>Did your wife ever express any desire for daughter to attend Caltech, Stanford, Berkeley etc during the process of looking at colleges? How did daughter react to that? </p>
<p>Do you think it’s possible – and I don’t know, I’m just guessing – that your dd chose East Coast schools thinking “there’s no way mom’s really going to uproot herself and follow me there”?</p>
<p>“Your wife, because she must be absolutely terrified right now if she is willing to risk the end of her marriage rather than let her daughter go. You, because you are faced with a no-win situation.”</p>
<p>Maybe the mother isn’t terrified. Maybe she’s unhappy in the marriage, and has been using the daughter as reason to leave the husband. Based on what the OP has said, his wife isn’t showing much concern or interest in him.</p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have my daughter closer to me. I’m so excited because my son will be going to college only an hour away next year. I’m looking forward to driving down there and taking him out to brunch or dinner occasionally - but on his terms. I wish I could drop off a big pot of stew every week at my daughter’s dorm, like my daughter’s friend’s mom does. But I’m not insisting on moving there, damn the expense and/or the health of my marriage.</p>
<p>If the daughter wants her mom on the same coast as her and it’s financially workable, then that’s great, but they need to agree on the ground rules ahead of time. Expecting her to come home to mom every weekend or possibly even live with mom is completely unreasonable.</p>
<p>
I had talked to my D many time and she loves the idea of us around as long as she stays in the dorm and come and go when she wants. She has always told me to buy a second home in NYC as she would like to spend some time of her adult life in that city. That is why she had Columbia on her list. But during our college tour last summer my D fell in love with Cambridge and it became her first choice.
So we have talked about this many time in the last 4/5 years and the talk used to be where and not why. It was because we all were emotionally/financially prepared.
That is why we took a tour of the east coast colleges. Yale was the top choice for out daughter but after visiting the surrounding it dropped 4 places on D’s list. She also dropped Penn also becuase of surrounding.
She seems to understand that if we take a second home then it will be useful to her too.</p>
<p>"I had talked to my D many time and she loves the idea of us around as long as she stays in the dorm and come and go when she wants. She has always told me to buy a second home in NYC as she would like to spend some time of her adult life in that city. "</p>
<p>If the OP is extremely wealthy, then the D’s desires make sense to me as I know that very wealthy people can have homes all over the world. Otherwise, however, her statement seems immature. Most teens might think of themselves one day owning a home and living in a city that they love, but they wouldn’t be thinking of their parents’ purchasing a second home so that after growing up, the teen could enjoy experiencing that area.</p>
<p>POIH, has your family ever lived in New England? What your D fell in love with during her summer visit is not what she will face in the winter. Get ready to for some major winter clothing shopping. And waterproof boots, too. BTW, NYC is really not that close to Cambridge for weekend home visits.</p>