<p>My wife and I told my daughter to pick a college and didn't give her and any restrictions. She chose Elon University and now my wife says she doesnt want her to go there. Any tips?</p>
<p>She is a good kid High GPA captain of the cheer squad, and has gotten merit money as well as job assistance.</p>
<p>My wife just says she has a "feeling". Urgh, what to do?</p>
<p>Is it just Elon, or does she not want her to go anywhere?</p>
<p>Is your daughter a Senior who has already been accepted? If so, Mom has to come up with something a little better than “a feeling”. If she had reservations - be them geographic, financial, choice of major or school profile - it’s a little late in the game to be bringing them up. I’m a mom…and I think giving your kid free reign and then offering a lame-ish reason why their choice isn’t a good one is unfair at best.</p>
<p>My wife and I told my daughter to pick a college and didn’t give her and any restrictions.</p>
<p>How in the world does your wife justify reneging on this deal?</p>
<p>Just wait until about a week before your DD is scheduled to go and your DW will really ache. Sorry, that’s part of “giving them wings”.</p>
<p>Give it a semester then decide. Then another, etc. Has Mom visited the school?</p>
<p>That feeling-- I know it… it’s called “love”. But in this instance, love is also letting your baby go. If you’ve loved her good and thoroughly, of course they will be sad, and we will all be sad. But it’s part of the whole shebang, isn’t it?</p>
<p>Hugs to your wife. I know just how she feels. And yes, transfers aren’t the end of the world. But I’d make her give it a good year.</p>
<p>I don’t know what to tell you. As a mother I will be sad to see my son leave our home. However, he is 18 years old and it is time for him to leave the nest and start to find his own place in the world. It is not healthy for us to hold on to our children for our own selfish reasons.</p>
<p>This is the moment for a mom to be generous, not selfish, and think about what the D needs more than what the mom wants. </p>
<p>Also to challenge your wife to think back on how it was that she got to where SHE is today. There must have been key decision points for her, and nobody held her back. What if someone had kept her back from (fill in the blanks together…) choosing a husband, moving to the nation/city/ neighborhood/home where she now resides, having child, choosing to work or stay home to raise children. It is simply time for her to accept and recognize that the D has grown up. D has earned the right to make choices to claim her life as an adult. Mom should care a lot about the daughter’s progress, happiness, ability to earn a living, and make educated friends in her young adult years. </p>
<p>The fact that Mom will miss her daughter a great deal is not the center of this story; it’s a subplot. You, her H, can help her process the sadness when the day comes for D to pack up. Maybe if your wife knows you’re both going to miss her together, she won’t feel so very alone today.</p>
<p>ETA: Sometimes the obstacle for the mom is that she has to give way and realize she, too, is getting older. She faces her own mortality to realize how fast the time has gone. At the deepest level, Mom “feels” D slipping out of her household, really, forever. It takes a lot of CC readers a full year to process. There are many “empty nest” threads. Her feelings are natural and widely shared. However, they are feelings that must be worked through. It’s not fair to the D to use those feelings as basis to crimp the daughter’s education and future. </p>
<p>I would have said, “offer to do more things with your wife next year, since you’ll both be missing the D.” But I think today she’d reject that offer, and say it’s not about you, it’s all about her and the D. Still, when it comes next year, after D is away, that’s a good way to handle those blues.</p>
<p>Adding: some moms get this idea that the D isn’t ready to leave home because she’s not accomplished in domestic tasks. The moms notice and harp on all the things the child cannot do right, from laundry to keeping a room straight. Is that the kind of thing you are hearing? If so, you can make the case that nothing will improve much in skill-level if the child stays home. She’s absorbed pretty much what she’s going to, even though Mom might want more. D will go off to college with imperfect domestic skills just like most every other 17/18 year old. College is a very maturing experience because the independence forces them to learn how to care for themselves.</p>
<p>You told her daughter she could make the decision and now her mother wants to back out of the deal. No. It’s not right. </p>
<p>Not that I am unsympathetic. I am a mother sending a daughter 3000 miles away for freshman year. I’ve been practicing missing her for at least a year. It’s hard for me to believe that this stage of my life is ending. But it’s time, just like it was when I went off to college at 18.</p>
<p>You will need to be your daughter’s biggest advocate. It’s hard to let go, let her grieve, but tell her DD is going, it’s time for HER adult life to start.</p>
<p>collegedadguy: there is not enough information to go on for me to formulate a reply. I’m wondering why your wife doesn’t want your daughter to go away to school. Do you think it is because she’s afraid this means the bird is really leaving the next and that this is the first step towards “losing her”? Does your wife have an impression of Elon (rightly or wrongly) that worries her? Is she afraid your daughter will make bad decisions so far from home? Is she afraid that (rightly or wrongly) your daughter won’t be able to handle being away so far from home? Or has the financial aspect of it all finally caught up with your wife now that there is an acceptance in hand, and she’s afraid of how the family is going to afford it all?</p>
<p>Ask your wife what kind of “feeling” she will have when she breaks your D’s heart by telling her she can’t go. Let her know that you understand and have some of the same feelings but it is normal and natural for kids to leave and parents to grieve. Try to keep the grieving between yourselves rather than making your D feel guilty for wanting to go to Elon but please let her go. </p>
<p>My Dad passed away when I was almost 12 leaving just my mom and me (two adult siblings already moved out). The night before I left for college, I heard my Mom sobbing in her bedroom. All the excitement for the next day was sucked out of me. I felt so guilty for leaving her there alone. I felt guilty every weekend that I spent at college instead of driving home to visit but I wanted to be a regular college kid so badly. </p>
<p>Please don’t let your D feel guilty for wanting to go away to college.</p>
<p>Dad’s feel the pain too have having a daughter far away. But, if she is in a good school with good friends (that she makes at college), then all is good.</p>
<p>We live in CA and my daughter goes to school in MA. We cherish the times we are together and talkor text every day. Skype is also a good way to communicate.</p>
<p>It will all work out. </p>
<p>We are proud that our daughter is doing well and maturing into a responsible adult. You will too.</p>
<p>Does anyone think the OP disappeared?..</p>
<p>So a little more background… My wife and I went away to college together as high school sweethearts and had a great relationship through college although both of us ended up leaving the original college we went to to end up comeing back closer to home. Me because I was a turd at school and never studied or was unaware how to and she because she wanted to be closer to home having never gone away before. He father, (whom recently passed away) was a controling figure and judgemental figure in her life who she tried to please. Normal behavior. My parents were pretty willing for me to experience the world and gave me a lot of rope to hang myself with. I learned a lot about my self in those years and I think it has made me stronger later putting myself through Chiropractic College and starting my own successful practice. she has worked in the same job since graduation from college and has no desire to change her life. We have two other kids who have also said they would like to go away for college, (one to Berkley for premed). </p>
<p>My current college bound daughter has also been accepted at one of our state schools but it was really her “safety net” school. It is not her choice school but mom says that is where she should go.</p>
<p>Mom argues that she can have a “college experience” there just as well as anywhere and that since she thinks she wants to teach that it is a very good choice.</p>
<p>There.</p>
<p>OMG sorry for the grammar… Yikes!</p>
<p>She wants her to stay in Illinois and go to her back up plan school ISU</p>
<p>If money isn’t an issue, I’d tell your wife to let your D make her own decisions. IMO the fact that your D wants to stretch herself and leave her comfort zone is great. It’s one way people learn and grow. At the worst, your D will transfer if she’s made a bad choice. She’s the one who has to make the decision–it’s her education, not yours. If money is a factor and staying home is cheaper, it might be a different story depending on family finances, loans, etc.</p>