<p>
This is what choices of 3 of us:
My D’s: MIT/Harvard, Stanford
My W’s: Harvard, Stanford
My Choices: MIT, Harvard/Stanford</p>
<p>Stanford is high on all our list but Stanford admissions have always been tricky, so it is difficult to say anything about D getting accepted there.</p>
<p>OP, in post #167, with regard to how often she would visit, you say</p>
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</p>
<p>(the bold is my emphasis) and, you say </p>
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</p>
<p>You and or your wife are not acknowledging that this is inconsistent with: </p>
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</p>
<p>I will state the obvious. She will be pressured to visit much more than she wants if you have moved with the primary purpose of seeing her.</p>
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That’s her idea now but she’s not actually in college yet and doesn’t really know what the MIT workload and social aspects will be like. There will likely be times when the ‘come and go’, i.e. going to mom’s place for the weekend might have large gaps in it - perhaps weeks at a minimum.</p>
<p>And, does that really match your W’s expectations? I doubt it since you stated your W expects your D to spend at a minimum every single weekend with the mom.</p>
<p>These two different levels of expectations are bound to create a major conflict.</p>
<p>Really, it’s just not practical to imagine someone at MIT can take every weekend off to be with their mom. Leaving aside that it will hinder her in making friends, getting a job, volunteering, taking part in many extracurricular activities, it will also hurt her academically. The weekends are when people work on problem sets, put in extra time in labs, do group projects, try to make inroads on the never-ending pile of work they have to do. </p>
<p>Your D could so easily end up being the one no-one wants to work with, the one who never gets invited to study groups, never gets to work on other people’s research, never gets to fool around on whatever random project someone has thought of to make their fortune this week, the one who always seems that little bit less committed, that little bit less up-to-speed, that little bit less interested or helpful or reliable or fun. </p>
<p>Whilst MIT students are generally very tolerant, the ones I know have absolutely no time for people who don’t seem to be very dedicated to what they do. And when your D is not available because she has to go home to mom, they will go on without her. She will miss out, and when people have to work with her, she will be seen as a nuisance, the one they always have to work around, the one who holds everyone back.</p>
<p>My brother is at MIT. He sees my mom, who lives in Boston, twice a year. He says he doesn’t have time. He probably doesn’t mostly, but it’s also true that there are many other things that he just doesn’t want to miss out on, things that make MIT what it is, things that make him so happy to be there.</p>
<p>When your D is talking about how great it is if you had a second home near to her, does she realize that she will be expected to be there every weekend and possibly actually living there while she is in college? That she will not be “coming and going when she wants” then. She will be coming and going to your second home at least every weekend, whether she wants to or not, because that is what her mom wants.</p>
<p>It’s a difficult situation, and I hope it is possible for you to find a way that works for all of you.</p>
<p>Yes, ucla dad- good point. I notice with my D, who is at an Ivy, that she will go weeks without calling because she is snowed under with work. Once she emerges, then she tends to call more often. If she were closer, I’m sure the pattern would be the same, with short visits instead of calls.</p>
<p>
Financial affordability. Yes. I think we can maintain our house in CA and a rental in MA.
She doesn’t like it. She will force Dad to move.
My wife would be in better situation if I keep my present job as I’ll have to pay for D’s education as well as alimony.
I’m not up for it and would like to be with my wife.
I don’t get the same idea as many people raised that she wants to quit but I can never be 100% sure.</p>
<p>What do you mean- when you say D will force Dad to move? How can your D force you to do anything?</p>
<p>What has your wife said about how she feels if the two of you will be apart for so long?</p>
<p>Look at post 205, and repackage it for your wife: her plan could destroy your daughter’s ACADEMIC dreams. She will need to concentrate on her work, especially her freshman year. Tell your wife that she must sacrifice to help your daughter succeed at MIT, and the sacrifice that is needed is for her to stay in CA, at least for the first year.</p>
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<p>I feel for you POIH. This is a tough situation. I do think college aged kids do best without hovering parents, but only you know your own family situation.</p>
<p>“My wife would be in better situation if I keep my present job as I’ll have to pay for D’s education as well as alimony.”</p>
<p>Why is it that your wife has worked for 7 years and has been able to save every penny of her earnings – enough to live on the East Coast without a job for 4 years – yet you would have to pay alimony and your D’s tuition?</p>
<p>Seems very unbalanced. To me, it looks like your wife has been allowed to salt away funds for her own escape while you’re left with having to be the financially responsible person in the family. Doesn’t seem loving and fair at all.</p>
<p>Also if your wife moves across the country without you, I think that some courts would consider that abandonment.</p>
<p>" I doubt it since you stated your W expects your D to spend at a minimum every single weekend with the mom."</p>
<p>And what would your W be doing with the rest of her time in a city in which she has no friends and is unlikely to have a job?</p>
<p>Does your wife understand the intensity of the workload at MIT (or Stanford or Harvard)? It doesn’t seem feasible to expect a college student to spend every weekend away from the facilities offered at the school. Your D will need to be on campus in order to take advantage of the academic offerings and spend the time necessary to succeed. Not to mention taking advantage of the social offerings.</p>
<p>I think this may be a strategy: “If we move close to daughter, she will feel that she must spend a lot of time with us, and she will fail at MIT. We must make the sacrifice and stay away. Let’s go get some counseling to help us cope with this supreme sacrifice that we must make for our daughter’s success.”</p>
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She knows that I would not refuse my D. I can still refuse my wife and may take a stand on staying but if D will ask me to come then I’ll move.</p>
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I also have the same amount in my bank account and since I make 5 times more than her, so I’ll be the one who has to pay.</p>
<p>I think the D should know the difficulty this issue is causing between her parents and that economically it is no longer reasonable for them to move to be closer to wherever she goes to college. Then, if/when she is admitted to Stanford, she can decide to matriculate there: this would cause the least disruption to the family; Stanford’s a less pressured environment than MIT and might be a better choice in any case, and the issues of independence, frequency of visits, relationships, etc can be worked out over time under less stressful circumstances. If she would “force Dad to move,” then she is a little empress with far too much power who has been over-indulged.</p>
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I do have old college friends on the east coast and I’ve started locating them so that we can create some network if we have to move.</p>
<p>D will ask dad to move in the hopes that he will keep mom off her back at least some of the time. I guess that’s a reason for dad to go if mom can’t be dissuaded. But honestly, Parent, you need to man up and insist that your wife not wreck your daughter’s life in this way.</p>
<p>POIH- Would you expect your D to visit you every weekend? I recall you saying you did college away from parents, so I’m guessing that you understand the amount of on campus time required to manage a serious workload. </p>
<p>If you were with your wife on the East Coast- would you be better able to help them work through whatever possible problems there may be if your wife and D don’t agree on how much to visit?</p>