<p>Calreader:
We have decided to not sell our CA house; we can manage to rent the house to cover the P&I, Property Tax and Management fee with still some change left.
We know selling it will block us from coming back to CA.</p>
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My wife is some one who prioritizes things and goes with the first one. So her first priority is D. She thinks there is nothing more important than D’s well being, so she will always be there for her. She will follow her to Cambridge for study abroad. It came up during her summer course at Cambridge and my D and W were ready to go to Oxbridge but then D got into a research internship. So she is planning to be with D untill it is practically impossible. Which she thinks is not her responsibility and so from her perspective she will always move.</p>
<p>On the other hand I try to optimize solution after looking at all of the priorities and not just the first one. So in this case I’m presently unable to find a solution that convinces me that nothing will go wrong with such a move.</p>
<p>“So in this case I’m presently unable to find a solution that convinces me that nothing will go wrong with such a move.”</p>
<p>More reason to let your wife move ahead of you while you work on the other details, which given the economy, should take at least the first semester. </p>
<p>“So she is planning to be with D untill it is practically impossible. Which she thinks is not her responsibility and so from her perspective she will always move.”</p>
<p>Remember that your D will have some say in this. If you get out of the way and let the D and W work things out, it’s likely that with her immersion into American culture and with being a college student at a place where students are very independent, your D will put boundaries in place that will indeed make your wife’s perspective change about moving. After moving to Cambridge, if your D refuses to see her, your W may very well return to Calif., which may very well be what happens if your D has to work things out without you running interference. If this happens, your W and D may be able to work out a more normal way of connecting.</p>
<p>Such a decision could be temporary or permanent – depending on how your wife responds. Remember that there is one parent posting here who did that with her own mom for similar reasons as your daughters would be.</p>
<p>Northstarmom : Thanks for the post and I do realize some or many of the difficulties you mentioned but I’ve been trying to do my homework for last two years.
My wife and I both are born in big cities of 10million plus people, so we always liked big cities like NYC or Boston. A lot of our college friends are at east coast and our college alumni have quite strong presence both in Boston and NYC. That is why we picked those two as the top places to move if we have too.
Weather is one thing that we never had any exposure to so that might be a deterrent. Another is finding good community to settle down as we will have to limit ourselves to within 500K if we don’t want to sell our CA house.</p>
<p>pipmom: I always come back to my posts and tell the final decisions and I’ll do the same with this also.</p>
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In this case, those two things are mutually exclusive, if by being “there” she means demanding that D be with her every weekend while she’s trying to get through her first year at MIT!</p>
<p>Pizzagirl:
I don’t think that is true. While growing up she always has this very clear to her that we will be moving to where ever she matriculate. We have the funds ready to pre-pay her 4 years of tuition and to put down 40% on the house. So that is why she was free to look for any school. As you might recall her first choice was Yale. It was only after taking the college tours that she came up with her list of colleges with Cambridge, MA at top.
You need to understand that Cambridge, MA is on top of the list for all of us. During this visit she loved NYC as we stayed 2 weekends at Manhattan on our way in and out. Which give Columbia a big boost on her college list she didn’t endup applying becuase of EA to MIT. She might have chosen Columbia over Caltech.
The point is that she mentioned NYC because she still loves it and would like us to move to upper west side on the Manhattan.</p>
<p>“Another is finding good community to settle down as we will have to limit ourselves to within 500K if we don’t want to sell our CA house.”</p>
<p>My friends bought a house for that price about 8 years ago in Chestnut Hill. What they got for the money was the upper 2 floors of a 3-story house. Another family – who ended up being very anal and unpleasant – lived on the first floor. It was a hard situation to get used to particularly since my friends were used to living in a more spacious single family house.</p>
<p>The fact that you’d have good alum connections in NYC and Boston is a big plus.</p>
<p>I do wonder, however, what you and your wife would do to fill up your time if you move and can’t get jobs. Many prospective friends probably will be working. You may be too young to want to hang out with much older people who are retired. While such people may be perfectly nice (I have friends who are much older), their interests and pace may differ greatly from yours.</p>
<p>While right now, you daughter may like the idea of your moving with you – after all, she has grown up knowing about that possibility, so she thinks it’s normal – she may not like the reality of being expected to spend each weekend with Mom and Dad. In college, she’ll also learn about what students typically do weekends, and at the colleges she is planning on attending, most are not going to be spending time with Mom and Dad even if Mom and Dad are on faculty and live down the street.</p>
<p>When I taught at a second/third tier public college that basically became empty on weekends, it was not unusual for students to go home each weekend. However, the kind of students at that college were far more sheltered and dependent than are students at MIT, Harvard, Columbia, etc. Such students also are likely to react with negativity or at least surprise if your D spends each weekend with Mom and Dad.</p>
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My wife thinks she will be fine with 2/3 bedrooms condo along the charles river. I told her it might not be possible get one in 500K. She is fine with renting one during the first year.</p>
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I think in the short run my company will allow me to work from Boston (or rather anywhere).Last year I was confident if they won’t I’ll be able to find a comparable job in Boston or NYC.</p>
<p>But I’m not that confident now about finding a comparable job in Boston or any where. So in short run my company may still allow me to work from Boston but I’m not sure the implication of this in the long run.</p>
<p>This is the primary reason for getting cold feet at this point. Having money to pay tuition and down payment is not a big thing. Big thing is maintaining my current level of income for the next 4 to 8 years. If I can then there is no problem in moving but If I loose the income then move will cause a lot of problems. While if we stay in CA and I loose the job we can still live without any issue and pay D’s tuition for the next 4 years.<br>
It is a lot of comfort to know that you can still do things without a job for considerable amount of time. I don’t want to loose that buffer by moving.</p>
<p>“While right now, you daughter may like the idea of your moving with you – after all, she has grown up knowing about that possibility, so she thinks it’s normal – she may not like the reality of being expected to spend each weekend with Mom and Dad. In college, she’ll also learn about what students typically do weekends, and at the colleges she is planning on attending, most are not going to be spending time with Mom and Dad even if Mom and Dad are on faculty and live down the street.”
This is critical! POIH, just because it has ALWAYS been your families assumption that your will live close to her while she is on college, doesn’t mean that that is STILL the best idea, or is even a good idea now that she is actually going off to college! People change their minds as they grow up and are exposed to new ideas. At a rigorous college like MIT, where critical thinking is highly valued, your D is very likely to change her mind quickly about what she wants to do on the weekends, or has the time to do, especially when she finds she is the ONLY one spending time with “mommy”. The time has come for you to realize that your D has the RIGHT make the decisions about how she wants to spend her time in college, even if your wife refuses to agree. Your D is the one going to MIT- not your wife. IF, after her first year, your D still wants you to move back east, then fine, but let her be the one to invite you. Maybe the economy will have started to recover, and the move can be financially justified as well.</p>
<p>Just because she always knew it was the plan doesn’t mean it’s what she wants.</p>
<p>I can definitely see that you would not want to lose the buffer of income for the next 4 years by moving. I can also see that you would prefer to all be together wherever your D ends up. </p>
<p>It also seems that your wife (and possibly your D) disagrees with the concern about the need for the economic buffer or a stable job for the next 4 years. Would sharing the hard numbers with them convince them of the seriousness of the financial impact?</p>
<p>zoosermom (MenloparkMom): True, there is no way to know exactly what is there on D’s mind. I also don’t want to burden her with the obligation to come home every weekend. If she choose to then fine if she won’t then also I don’t have a problem.
I know my wife won’t like it. If we move she will expect D to be home on weekends.
I want to give my D more room to grow. But I cann’t just let the family fall apart because of it.
She thinks if she will be close to D then D will never run into any problem. I’m not sure how much she can avoid but till now she has not let D put herself in a situation where anything wrong can happen.
I think it is impossible to go on avoiding negative situations. It might be more important at this point to teach D about how to come out of a negative situation then to stay close to not let her in a negative situation to begin with.</p>
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I tried that and D does understand but she thinks that it might be better for us (Wife and I) to stay together. My wife on other hand thinks that I can manipulate numbers and I never intended to and now just making excuses to not move. From her perspective the money is still there and nothing has changed.</p>
<p>“She thinks if she will be close to D then D will never run into any problem. I’m not sure how much she can avoid but till now she has not let D put herself in a situation where anything wrong can happen.
I think it is impossible to go on avoiding negative situations. It might be more important at this point to teach D about how to come out of a negative situation then to stay close to not let her in a negative situation to begin with.”</p>
<p>You are very right, and you need to take actions in line with your good sense.</p>
<p>As you know, unless your D dies prematurely, you and your W won’t be around for all of her life. Your D needs to learn how to take care of herself. She may have to do so far sooner than you expect.</p>
<p>I even know a college student who lost both of her parents her freshman year in college. Both died of unexpected, separate natural causes. Both were only in their early 50s, and neither had a history of health problems. Her mother got a severe headache at work. Within hours, the mother was dead of a stroke. About 3 months later, the girl’s dad died of a heart attack in his sleep.</p>
<p>The parents fortunately had raised the girl to know how to take care of herself. She is living in her family home, working a job while also being a college senior. </p>
<p>I had met her initially when she had applied to Harvard. I was her interviewer. While she didn’t get into college, she certainly had the resilience and independence that is a hallmark of the kind of students at top colleges. Can you say the same of your daughter? I doubt it, but it is your job as a parent to raise your D so she can take care of herself in your absence.</p>
<p>“It might be more important at this point to teach D about how to come out of a negative situation then to stay close to not let her in a negative situation to begin with.”
It IS more important, not might be more important. You can’t always protect your D from a “negative situation”.[ what does that mean anyway?]. SHE, as an adult, has to learn how to “protect” herself.
. “But I can’t just let the family fall apart because of it.”
Your family will survive, however hard it may be to adjust. You and your wife can’t stop your D from growing up, becoming an adult and making her own choices, so the sooner that recognition happens the better for all of you. No one can stop the passage of time, and the changes it inevitably brings about.</p>
<p>Perhaps daughter’s concern about you and your wife staying together is rooted in the hopes that with the two of together, Mom may have less time to focus strictly on her. Here’s an idea. Why don’t you agree to rent an apartment for your wife near your daughter? You stay behind in California in your home and maintain your current employment. After a semester or two, you daughter will realize just how abnormal it is to have her Mom so involved in her life and so overly attached to her. I think if you stay out of the picture, Mom and Daughter will be forced to address the attachment issue. Once your daughter realizes that her peers have the freedom to socialize and enjoy so many different experiences on the weekends, she may get up the confidence and courage to loosen the grip that her Mom has on her.<br>
Many families split up and live in different areas because of employment. They set up a schedule for visits that fits in with the work schedule. This arrangement seems to be a good compromise between what you want and what your wife wants.</p>
<p>“. “But I can’t just let the family fall apart because of it.””</p>
<p>I think that your family may fall apart if you keep supporting your wife’s continued overinvolvment with your daughter. I think that there’s a good chance that eventually, your D will cut ties with both of you. That may be the only way that your D will be able to become her own person. The longer you keep enabling your wife to be overinvolved, the more it’s likely that your D will have to brutally wrench herself away from both you and your W in order for your D to have what is considered a normal life in the U.S.</p>
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You can if you really talk to her. Ask leading questions. I bet NSM could offer you assistance in formulating questions that would get you valuable information.</p>
<p>By the way, I saw a handful of extremely well-priced real estate listings in Manhattan today. Maybe a nice apartment in Manhattan would be just the thing for your wife. You and she could make a beautiful life here and prices will eventually go up.</p>