<p>wis75- I in no way have ever attempted to provide treatment. I know my limits. </p>
<p>As for wasting valuable treatment time- well- the OP isn’t in treatment- the point is to get him there. </p>
<p>Sorry if you don’t think kindness is of value.</p>
<p>munchkin and MarinMom make good points. The parents need to discuss this as adults and address the financial problems together, and even include the daughter if necessary. It doesn’t need to be framed as “should we move or not?” Rather, they can approach it as a financial problem that needs to be solved. I think both parents want to end up near the daughter, but the dad is questioning his financial ability to make this happen as previously planned. Wife and daughter may begin to question this plan if they conclude that it will have a negative impact on their lifestyle.</p>
<p>Just focusing on the practical side of the moving issue may help this family go over the current crisis. However, the problem is much deeper: it just happens that the W’s problems and emotional needs found an outlet in the form and shape of the relocation issue over D’s college choice.</p>
<p>From a long term perspective, for the sake of satisfying family relationship among the father, mother, and daughter, a deeper level soul searching is in order. Perhaps, this will be a good starting point…</p>
<p>I always wonder about a thread that stirs things up this much and generates such a lot of heat.</p>
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<p>I second this. Looking at this from a cultural perspective is well and good, but there are 20 pages of that already and its a dead end approach. The OP and his family are all fine with this from a psychological perspective, so that’s not the issue here. </p>
<p>I really think your daughter could change her mind about this after understanding the financial costs, and then it would be much easier to persuade your wife.</p>
<p>"POIH - I would be excited at the prospect of moving somewhere different and experiencing a whole new way of life, and I imagine that was how you were feeling about the prospect of moving to the East Coast before the recession kicked in. "</p>
<p>I would be interested in his response to this. Not everyone would be excited at leaving their friends, job, home, etc. at midlife to go to a completely different region of the country. This may be especially difficult for someone who already has had to adjust to living in a country different than their native land.</p>
<p>I’ve moved a lot in my life, and enjoyed and was excited about most of the moves. However at midlife, I wouldn’t be thrilled at all to leave my friends, job, health care, and other comforts to move to a place with a harsher climate where I didn’t have close friends or even a job.</p>
<p>I left Calif. last week with a cold and came home with a sinus infection (sniff). I had forgotten how often I got them when we were living in Boston. Between the cold and dry air and (probably) mold circulating in the heating system at work, I was a mess all winter. Everything turned brown and dead in the winter, and the snow wasn’t pretty, just dirty and messy. I used to have technicolor dreams of California. Plus, in the dead of winter it gets dark at 4 pm! I’d leave for work in the dark and come home in the dark.</p>
<p>We had a lot of fun living in Boston at the time (we were in our 20’s), but I wouldn’t do it again. We high-tailed it back to Calif. when H was done with B School.</p>
<p>Just sayin’. If you’re used to living in a Mediterranean climate, New England can be a rude awakening.</p>
<p>I agree. I could take the winters in my youth, but as I get older the pleasures of CA are hard to imagine giving up.</p>
<p>
I love to travel and that is what I plan to do after retirement. It is my only dream to spend time in as many cities/countries possible. That is why I worked hard and manged my money wisely. I was confident of my skills set to be able to get and hold jobs without much efforts. So I always maintained to both my wife and D that we will be able to move to where ever D decides to matriculate.
We took a trip of east coast colleges during last August to finalize the list of colleges which D would like to attend and will be good enough to move. So the list included cities of Cambridge, NYC, Providence, Princeton, Pasadena, and Palo Alto.
We were happy that all the cities D is applying college to are fit for our move and we were looking forward to it.
I’m just starting to have cold feet this month when it is about to become more or less a reality that we might have to move in this depressed economy.
So I thought of putting this on the board to find some support from those who might have done this before and would be able to provide pros and cons of making such a move.
I’m a very logical person and won’t make the move unless I’m 100% sure that I can pull it off.
I think the question became
Is it right or wrong to move?
from
Shall I or shall I not move?</p>
<p>I just wanted to convey that I was very much excited about the move if the finances have worked out as I planned. I can still move but I’m not 100% confident that we won’t endup repenting the move. Since I never do anything unless I figured out all corner cases and made sure that I cover them properly.
I see many corner cases that can cause problem during my move and that is why I post this thread to get some practical experineces of parent who have done this.</p>
<p>I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but you should probably hang on to your California house if you go. That way if you decide to come back later, you won’t have to buy into a market that has risen much higher and faster than the market of wherever you go on the East Coast. We have watched many friends leave California over the years, and several of them have found that it’s a one-way trip - they changed their minds but couldn’t afford to buy a house here after a few years away.</p>
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<p>Yes…there IS an accelerated route to certification in CT. Has the OP’s wife applied for this certification for THIS summer? There are a limited number of openings and not everyone is accepted. Also, if you HAVE a degree in education, you are NOT eligible to do the alternate route. It is only for professionals entering teaching from another profession with a degree in something else. I know…I’m a special education service provider who wanted classroom teaching certification. I am NOT eligible for the ARC program because I already HAVE a degree in a related services field in education. In addition, I asked if the OPs wife was a teacher in a shortage area. While she might find a position in math, science. special education or foreign language…all shortage areas in CT…it is unlikely that she will easily (not impossible, but not easy) find an elementary position, or secondary English, history or any of the humanities…or physical education. These are NOT shortage areas.</p>
<p>POIH - this is tough situation and I hope it turns out well for you. I do have a couple thoughts to share. </p>
<p>If I were you my first concern would be my daughter and if this arrangement would be detrimental for her. From your postings she seems like a terrific kid who is handling this well … she clearly is very accomplished and successful. She also seems to be focused on what she can control and willing to make decisions for herself somewhat ignoring family pressure (I think this is a good thing). For example, she is interested in MIT and applies even though her parents might go through upheval if she goes there … personally I think this is great … she is making very reasonable decisions best for her future … and letting her parents make their own decisions in response … even if they are very unusual and a burden on the parents (move to Boston). To me all this reads like a very mature terrific young women.</p>
<p>If this were me my biggest concern would be about my wife … not as harsh as many of the postings so far … but my main concern would still be about my wife’s attachment level to my daughter. I would have a conversation about this attachment, the possible move to Boston, and most importantly, the future. I’d ask her how this would play out … as our daughter goes through college, spends a semester abroad, goes on a spring break trip with friends, works a 3-month internship in another town, has a boyfriend, visits her boyfriends family, gets married, has kids, what if the boyfriend/husband’s family insists that they spend every Friday/Saturday night at their house, etc. In essence I would try to help my wife understand how unusual her desire is and how at some point in her daughter’s life it is a very impractical to pursue.</p>
<p>This is a tough one … good luck!
3togo</p>
<p>PS - congrats to your daugher on the MIT acceptance.</p>
<p>"I love to travel and that is what I plan to do after retirement. It is my only dream to spend time in as many cities/countries possible. That is why I worked hard and manged my money wisely. I was confident of my skills set to be able to get and hold jobs without much efforts. So I always maintained to both my wife and D that we will be able to move to where ever D decides to matriculate. "</p>
<p>My suggestion is to think long and hard about the implications of what you’ve been planning. I have loved to travel, and have lived in 9 states, and have also spent several weeks at a time abroad. This included spending summers in Paris while my H worked there during the summer.</p>
<p>However, one thing that I recognize is that visiting a place on vacation is very different than is pulling up stakes and moving to a new place. This also becomes more difficult as we get older.</p>
<p>For instance: Moving to go to attend college is stressful (It’s normal for students to have some adjustment problems even if they’re moving relatively near home), but at the same time, there are the joys and supports of being at a place that is designed for people similar to you. One is surrounded by peers of about the same age, whose goals and interests are very similar to ones own. One also doesn’t have to worry about supporting oneself, but can basically enjoy the ride.</p>
<p>Afterward, though, things become more stressful. When one is young without major responsibilities such as having a house, at least in general it’s relatively easy to find jobs that support oneself. One also doesn’t usually have to worry about things like having to deal with gaps in health care when one is between jobs. Typically, you have good health, and don’t have to worry about providing health care coverage to other members of your family. </p>
<p>As one gets older – particularly the age that many of us are who have college age kids-- the moves become more difficult. It’s harder to get employment because there are more jobs available at the lower end of the pay/experience scale than at the higher end. With the current economic problems, companies also are laying off people our age and hiring less experienced, younger people because younger people are cheaper to hire.</p>
<p>It’s also much harder to make friends. In college and grad school, it’s fairly easy to make friends because one is surrounded by people around one’s age and with one’s interests. When your kids are school-aged, often parents make friends through their kids’ activities – connecting with other parents whose kids go to the same schools or are involved in the same ECs.</p>
<p>Some people are able to make friends easily through professional groups, Greek organizations, alumni groups, churches, ethnic organizations, things like involvement in community organizations. Look at your current activities. What are you and your wife involved in? How’d you make your current friends? Are those kind of options available where you may live?</p>
<p>Keep in mind, too, that you’ll have to adapt to cultural differences, something that’s true even if moving from one part of a state to another. I know you’re aware of how the northern Calif. culture differs greatly from the culture in southern California. Such differences don’t affect one if one is only visiting a different area, but the differences can be difficult to handle if one has moved to a new area.</p>
<p>In addition, things like weather can be hard to deal with. Do you really want to shovel snow? Do you want to have to scrape the ice and snow off your car or dig out your tires before going places in the winter? Snow is beautiful. Cold climate winter activities like skiing can be fun, but vacationing in snow is very different than is trying to get to work in snow and ice.</p>
<p>It also can be quite a blow and inconvenience to learn that the credentials and reputation that impressed people in the place from which you moved aren’t important in your new location. For instance, friends of mine moved to Boston, getting jobs with one of the well regarded universities there. They were U.S. born, had gone to excellent colleges and grad schools in the West and Midwest, had lived as professional adults in South America, Europe, and the South, were highly regarded in their fields, and were nice people and gregarious.</p>
<p>Still, they had a rough transition. From having to deal with the brutal weather, the country’s most aggressive and rude drivers. to having to deal with people who are far more materialistic and into ancestry (think Mayflower decedants) than they were used to. to having to constantly deal with people with the provincial mindset of thinking that Boston-- particularly Harvard – is the center of the world, it took them a long time to find friends and a comfortable place in that community.</p>
<p>So think more deeply about your plans, and realize that moving to an area is very different than vacationing on one.</p>
<p>Judging by how your wife continues to blame you for her moving here, it may be that a move would be especially difficult for your wife, who may now be unrealistically imagining that your D would provide a lot of support and help for her. Most of the time, your wife would be on her own.</p>
<p>I having been reading this thread, have not contributed much because hyeonjlee has said many things I would have said.</p>
<p>Many posters think if OP approached this as a financial issue then the wife would reconsider and let the daughter go to school by herself. I don’t think that’s the case at all. For OP it may have been a financial consideration, but he was not (before he started this thread) opposed to the move. For the wife, this is a totally emotional thing, nothing to do with finance or living condition of east coast vs west. It’s like a fatal attraction - the end goal is to be with the daughter, everything else is noise. So I think people should stop giving financial reasons as to why the family shouldn’t move.</p>
<p>I think with everyone’s feedback, OP may start to get a sense that it is not quite normal, to be following the daughter around. He probably always had that nagging feeling in him, but never voiced it in front of his wife. Many people on this thread may feel they haven’t made a difference, but I think OP is listening. I am hoping he’ll come to his senses before Sep.</p>
<p>I think NSM has been right on her observations and advice on counseling. As an Asian, I also never considered going to counseling. Frankly, never believed in it. I went 15 years ago. It saved my life. I thought I was unhappy because of my job and my marriage. This is too much of a cliche…It had a lot more to do with my conflict/hostility to my parents. On the surface, I was a dutiful daughter, but I was very resentful of their expectation and treatment of me growing up. I was 30 something when I realized that. The therapy helped me to see why my parents were like that, it let me forgive them in my mind, and therefore allowed me to move on. I never confronted or talked it out with my parents because I knew it would really hurt their feelings, it would also never change anything. My relationship with my parents improved a lot after I was more at peace with myself.</p>
<p>POIH-</p>
<p>I hope you come back to the board and let us know your decision about moving. I also hope that you take to heart the emotional/psychological issues that have been raised here regarding such a move. </p>
<p>One thing that strikes me is that while you are now in a place where your friends and wife’s friends all seem to approve of such a move, I doubt that you will find many in NY or Boston that would do so. And people on the East Coast are very verbal and direct in sharing their disapproval. </p>
<p>You got many responses on this board, but not a single one from a person who has done what you are considering. That is because it is very unusual. While I applaud your desire to think this through and be 100% sure before making the move, there aren’t many who can give you guidance about such a thing since they haven’t done it, nor would they ever consider doing it. </p>
<p>One final point- you can never be 100% sure of anything. There are always things that happen, sometimes when least expected. </p>
<p>I wish you and your family well. Congrats on MIT and most likely on many other fine acceptances for your D in April.</p>
<p>POIH, your daughter has given you three clear signals that the 50 mile rule / expectation is too much. First, she applied to schools far away when she could have easily restricted her search to CA - which is the usual route for students who indeed wish to stay close to home. Second, she suggested NYC. Third, she’s not comfortable with just her mom coming and begs you to come too. That is clear evidence to me that she knows her mother will have demanding and unrealiatic expectations of how much time to spend together (every weekend is unreasonable) but can’t ever confront her mother directly so she counts on you to mediate. Much as it’s painful, the two of them need to negotiate mutually agreeable boundaries and you can’t be in the middle. </p>
<p>Finances aren’t going to convince your wife of anything. She’ll rent a crappy apartment if need be to be near your daughter. The issue is ether this move is the right thing to do. If it us, then you’ll make it work. If not, it doesn’t matter if you can afford it or not.</p>
<p>Even if wife does move, she needs to prepare for this scenario: daughter wants to go home for the weekend with a new girlfriend who lives locally. How will wife feel? Will she forbid it? Try to make d feel guilty? I envision a situation in which you will need to placate your wife repeatedly. Is that fair to you?</p>
<p>You could always let your wife move ahead of you and plan for her to get things in order first semester while you stay in California and handle that part of the move. </p>
<p>This would allow your wife to face the reality of what she’s planning. The reality is that your wife will be alone most of the time. She won’t have friends. She’ll have to figure out and adjust to a new location, climate, etc. without being able to blame your or have your D at her elbow.</p>
<p>She’ll probably have to deal with situations similar to what she didn’t like about moving to this country. This time, though, she can’t act like the move is your fault. I’m sure there are many practical reasons for you to have to stay in Calif. for a while to organize things from that end. I know the last time my family made a permanent move, I stayed behind for 6 weeks to handle the repairs and sale of the house and to handle other things.</p>
<p>It is likely that your W will put lots of pressure on your D to be with her. However, your D will need to learn how to handle this pressure. In fact, a big part of adolescence is teens learning to have appropriate boundaries between themselves and their parents. For the teens to become adults who are appropriately independent, they need to figure out how to live their lives as independent adults while continuing to have loving relationships with their parents.</p>
<p>From what i’ve, seen, this particularly is difficult for females to figure out, and often the conflicts between daughters and mothers are very painful during adolescence. It is a rite of passage that both the daughter and mom will grow from if you get out of the way and allow them to work things out themselves.</p>
<p>Given the type of student that MIT accepts, I truly doubt that your D will agree to your W’s demands and expectations. This will be painful for your wife, but it can eventually help your wife define her own life instead of leaning so much on her D.</p>
<p>For them to work things out, however, you can’t be the man in the middle.</p>
<p>Not a time for the OP to be planning on changing jobs. If he’s got a well paying job that he can rely on, he is lucky indeed. </p>
<p>"The statistics are bleak.</p>
<p>The housing market collapse has wiped out some $3 trillion in home equity that once formed the bulk of most boomers’ life savings. The incineration of another $11 trillion in stock market wealth has cut a wide swath through the individually managed accounts that have largely replaced the employer-managed pensions that supported their parents’ generation in retirement.</p>
<p>Some 3.8 million workers 45 or older were unemployed as of February — up from 2 million when the recession began 15 months ago, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Many are now burning through what remains of their savings and raiding retirement accounts to pay college tuition or to meet basic household expenses…</p>
<p>In past economic downturns, many 50-something workers faced a decision about accepting “early retirement,” complete with a financial package designed to tide them over to their next job or top off a retirement account. With corporate profits tanking, many employers have simply dispensed with the niceties of severance pay.</p>
<p>“They gave me no help. Nothing. Just ‘Have a nice day,” said Joanne, 51, who asked that we use only her first name. “It was a horrible way to treat people. It was unbelievable.”</p>
<p>Joanne said she suspected her job as a technology consultant was at risk when she was asked to train someone else to do the work who was “half my age, with half my qualifications. The clients will suffer, but that’s not my problem.”…</p>
<p>White-collar boomers, including those with advanced degrees, top credentials and decades of carefully groomed resumes, are confronting a job market they’ve never seen before. …</p>
<p>As the number of job seekers has risen, the number of openings continues to shrink – down some 50 percent from when the recession began in December 2007. That means nearly five people are competing for each opening, up sharply from a ratio of less than 2-to-1 little more than a year ago."…</p>
<p>[Boomers</a> face stark choices in bleak economy - Reinventing America- msnbc.com](<a href=“http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29535417/]Boomers”>http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29535417/)</p>
<p>^I totally agree with NSM. Let your wife move ahead first. </p>
<p>You mentioned you are afraid that your wife’s demands may impact on your d’s success at MIT. It’s an issue that is going to come up sooner and later. Now it’s the first year transition. Next it maybe second year with an exchange program in sight. Next it may be a hard year for preparation for grad school. Then it’s a hard first job. There may never a good time to handle these difficult issues. </p>
<p>I think you can help by being supportive of your dd and listening to her concerns, but not necessarily interjecting yourself in the middle like you had been doing, running interference for her with her mother.</p>