I think both are a bit hot headed in the sense it is difficult some time to pacify both at the same time. So they will need some cooling time. I on the other hand seldom get angry or rather there is very litlle that can make me angry. I have been used to be the most patient in my family while growing up and remain so through out my life among the friends and family.
Since I’m patient I can recall what happened and will try to analyze who did what and where the things went out of hands and who is at greater fault and will try to convince the party at fault (my wife or D) to accomodate the other.
That is why I’ve to move with wife.</p>
<p>POIH- Do you like to be in the position of “mediating” between your wife and daughter? What happens if you are not able to be there when a disagreement breaks out?</p>
<p>Magical thinking. Your wife’s presence keeps your daughter safe?? If your wife is within a radius of 50 miles, nothing bad will happen to your daughter??</p>
<p>POIH, I think it’s time for you to come clean – I think you’ve been putting everyone here on. This is just too bizarre to be real.</p>
<p>to the OP- to answer your practical questions- yes, you can find a 2-3 bedroom condo in Cambridge for $500K. It is not likely to be on the Charles. You will get more for your money in Brighton or Allston-- in student type neighborhoods, and you will be a 5-10 minute car or taxi ride or 15-20 minute T- ride from your daughter’s dorm at MIT. Be aware that many MIT students become virtually nocturnal- if your D is going to bed at 4 am every day, her calendar may not mesh with yours except for holidays.</p>
<p>It would be hard to find a 3 bedroom condo or coop on the Upper West Side for 500K if you want it on a safe block in at least habitable condition. Prices may decline further than they have-- which could help you. You could find a 2 bedroom, but be aware that most of the buildings in NY are coops not condos, and the monthly fees are much higher than people in other parts of the country are used to. Property taxes are high; incidentals are high; if you intend to keep a car the cost of parking is astronomical. Even if you are a very safe driver, you will be shocked by your insurance premiums… but they are based on where you park the car at night, which will most likely be in a high theft neighborhood, hence the high cost.</p>
<p>I sympathize with your plight. There were many days when I wanted to head off to college with my kids- sometimes because I didn’t think they had the maturity to live alone, sometimes because I missed them, sometimes because their lives seemed more interesting than mine.</p>
<p>But it would not have worked for thousands of reasons- the most important being that they needed some distance in order to grow up and mature… and also to take advantage of the wonderful opportunities in their college towns. My S at MIT barely had a moment to breathe in four years, let alone spend time with us! But I can’t imagine sending a kid there and not wanting them to take advantage of the world-class opportunities… during the week, at night, on weekends. </p>
<p>And yes- we missed all our kids-- but it allowed us to be married people again, not full time parents which was great. You may find it’s the best part of sending your D off to college- you get to miss her, she gets to miss you, and you get to learn how to be newlyweds again.</p>
<p>It is a documented fact that teenagers who are under the suprervision of adults survive much better than those who aren’t.</p>
<p>What makes you think that a child when reaches an age of 18 somehow is out of danger?</p>
<p>All the rules that applies to 15/16 years old still applies to 18/19 year olds. It is just that some people want to get rid of the responsibilities and so have created a magical age of 18 at which a teenager suddenly becomes so knowledgable that (s)he will survive this cruel world.</p>
<p>I have been staying in dorms since 17 years old and have done many stupid things which I would not have done if I’ve stayed at home.</p>
I think this what my wife is all about. It is becoming very hard for her to let D go alone. I agree that being close to home would give her an additional security without hindering in any way her opertunities.
I think everyone wants to be close to the college kids but sometime it become practically impossible. We planed years back that we will be able to do it. So getting cold feet now on my part is making my wife miserable.</p>
Okay, so you’re not going to allow your D to stay on-campus in the dorms after all? Will your W force your D to stay with her full-time and escort her to and from campus every day? If so it’s pointless to go to a school like MIT. Why is there so little faith in your D? Clearly your D is very accomplished - do you really think she can’t handle herself properly or make resonable decisions on her own? At some point in time it’s time to remove the shackles and let her fend for herself.</p>
<p>If you went with your wife when your D starts college, would you be able to return to your job in CA easily if you couldn’t land one on the East Coast? Don’t I remember you saying you could work for your company in Boston, isn’t that right? </p>
<p>If that didn’t work out, could you somehow commute- ie- work in CA but fly out every two weeks or so for the weekends? Would that be enough of your presence there to help mom and daughter keep things even?</p>
I would like D to stay in dorm but us being close by will give her strength in difficult times.
She can be on her own with us close by. Why do you think that is a problem?</p>
<p>As long as the company needs me they will let me work anywhere in the world. It is just that being away from the center will diminish my hold on the work and after a year or so I might not be the man to go after.</p>
<p>In good time that won’t be a problem as I can look for more interesting work at the east coast. But now I’m not sure about that.</p>
<p>So- how about moving to the East Coast, but making sure you fly back to CA regularly to keep in contact with folks there so you retain your “go after” status. </p>
<p>Are your employers sympathetic to your desire to move East?</p>
<p>My son went off to college at 17 and I spent the summer filling his head with as many “what if’s” as possible. There was so much he had to learn, so much he didn’t know. He would smile and pretend to listen to me knowing I was having a hard time letting go.</p>
<p>He’s now finishing up his junior year. He has become an extremely independent young man running his own life on his own terms. Sometimes it makes me sad to see how little he “needs” me. He still smiles and politely pretends to listen as to not hurt my feelings.</p>
<p>If I had held on for these years he would not have had the chance to grow up. He was lucky to have the chance to learn from and with his friends who were also becoming adults together; to make mistakes like everyone else and not be judged.</p>
<p>I am so glad I didn’t take this from him by holding him so close and thinking I was the only one who could help him. He would have suffocated.</p>
<p>And when your D was at camp or on other trips, she was under the supervision of adults. Your W did not need to be within 50 miles of her; neither did you.</p>
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<p>No one is EVER out of danger. Holding the belief that you can keep your D from danger by being within 50 miles of her at all times is magical thinking. It’s not true; your D is in as much danger as every other normal person walking around living his/her life, whether you’re 50 or 500 or 5000 miles away.</p>
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<p>Thinking parents everywhere prepare their children for life away from the parents. Kids grow up and learn to negotiate the world and life by themselves – that’s what they are supposed to do. They are not supposed to live in the parental bubble forever.</p>
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<p>You made mistakes and learned from them. You survived them. You are denying your D the opportunities that you had – to be away from home, away from parents, and learn how to LIVE.</p>
<p>You are determined to have a weak D, to undermine her, to convince her, through your actions, that she cannot be trusted with herself, that she’s incompetent. That’s a terrible message to impart to one’s offspring. I’ll bet she doesn’t buy it, however, and casts you and your wife off in disgust when she can’t take it anymore, can’t take your lack of faith in her.</p>
I’ve not asked yet but I’ve been allowed to work from places where D have been in the past without any issue but it have been on a 1 - 4 week duration. The times are different also and now it is for a long time. So response might be different. I’m waiting for D’s final decision before taking it up with my company.</p>
<p>POIH- It makes sense to wait to talk to employers until your D makes the decision. If she chooses the East Coast, though, then maybe you could work a deal with them that could allow your very frequent, if not total, presence on the East Coast. That would be good.</p>
<p>Not necessarily; lots of my friends stayed at home during there college years and come out to be fine independent people. I think it is more dependent on the environment.
But still we are actually open to our D staying at dorm even when we are close by to experience the independent living.</p>
<p>Are you talking about physical safety, such as being robbed / mugged? Unfortunately, unless you or a hired security guard are going to accompany your daughter everywhere, being within 50 miles does not offer magic protection against being robbed / mugged. </p>
<p>Is that <em>really</em> it? Surely your wife is a bright woman, and knows that her presence within 50 miles is not protection against petty crime. </p>