<p>I feel sorry for your daughter. You chose to come to America to live and raise your child here. Unfortunately, you’ve placed your daughter in a difficult position. She’s struggling to live in her world (America) but you and your wife are forcing her to live in your world (with your home country rules and parental control). Are you going to choose her husband for her too? Are you going to choose her major and her career? Are you going to choose how she dresses and how she styles her hair? Are you going to make her live under your roof until she marries? </p>
<p>When are you going to understand that she is an individual. She is not an extension of your wife. She is not an extension of you. She is her own person. Unfortunately, she’ll never understand this unless you give her the freedom to grow, become independent, and learn by her own experiences separate from you and your wife. </p>
<p>You are just as much to blame for this ridiculous idea as is your wife. I have a feeling you’re blaming her for the move. You are an equal partner in this. Again, I feel sorry for your daughter for being put in this situation. Do what you want. I think the people of CC should bow out now. For every idea or recommendation that CCer’s propose, you seem to have a justification for continuing on with your move. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Now I can understand why your daughter seems to go along with everything you and your wife says. Go ahead and move. It’s none of our business what you do. Have a good life on the East Coast.</p>
Because based on your other statement you’re essentially implying you don’t trust your D’s judgment to make the right choices when she’s on her own in the dorms - i.e. she might do what you did when you stayed in dorms. The reality is that unless you’re planning to keep her under constant 24/7 watch, she can go ahead and get herself into trouble if she so chooses to whether the mom is 2500 miles away, 50 miles away, or 2 miles away.</p>
<p>Why do you think your D needs this “strength at difficult times” by having your W so physically close? Your D can still pick up the phone and consult you if she ‘needs strength at difficult times’. Do you or your W really think she needs to go runnning home every weekend because she can’t handle college?</p>
<p>Your posts have twisted around from it being your W wanting to be physically adjacent to your D no matter where your D goes even if that means leaving you, to you thinking it’s not a good idea for your W to do that, to you thinking it is a good idea for your W to do that, to now your D somehow needing immediate physical access to your W to ‘give her strength’.</p>
<p>Anyway, I think you’ve received all the perspectives you’re liable to receive on this subject on this thread but you have your own ideas of what you want to do so I hope it works out for your D whatever you and your W choose to do.</p>
<p>Actually, I don’t think that’s fair to POIH. I think his wife is living her life through the daughter and clinging to her desperately, and POIH is trying to find a solution which placates the wife, even if it means sacrificing his own desires and his own sense of financial security given the economy. I don’t think this is about the daughter at all; this is about the wife.</p>
<p>Thanks all for very productive suggestions. I’ll wait till my D makes up her mind and will think about the move if we have to. </p>
<p>I’ll post the decision what ever it may be at that time. </p>
<p>Once again I needed to talk to get some different perception on this move as it have become to stressful. All of the people surrounding us had single point of view and this board have given different POVs. I can now go back to my normal work and may, in the light of so many people view points, be able to find something that will help D grow into a mature adult.</p>
<p>I am graduating from this thread. It’s unhealthy that I have wasted all this time reading up and posting on it. My parting words:</p>
<p>Don’t confuse parental obsession with parental devotion. Parental devotion puts the child’ interest before the parents’ even if it means tough love at times. Parental obsession is mostly about the parents’ needs. Need to be in control. Need to feel needed. Need to feel like they are actually protecting their child while it is totally bogus. Need to not ever feel separation from their children… The list goes on. In my own culture (which is pretty similar to where OP is coming from), way too much parental obsession masquerades as parental devotion much to the detriment to the child, and most parents manage to convince themselves that they are devoted parents while they are actually obsessed parents. </p>
<p>These parents are particularly difficult for the child to deal with, as the child cannot even legitimately assert his/her needs without feeling like a totally ungrateful bottom sucking scum. How can you challenge a parent who built an elaborate web of “I did all this for you, and I sacrificed this much for you” illusion at home while slowly sucking the life force out of the child who so wants to be a separate and independent human being? I see many adults in my culture who carry life long emotional baggage and scar around due to this style of suffocating “parental love” showered on them by their parents all throughout their life.</p>
<p>AND don’t go into this politically correct “EVERY native cultural aspect must be respected” argument. Remember, the idea of basic human rights was a VERY foreign concept in many traditional societies. Would you condone honor killing? In my own native culture, one of the top three reasons for divorce is suffocating in-laws, this BEFORE spousal infidelity!!! So, even when the practice is common within a certain culture, it does not mean that it deserves unconditional acceptance.</p>
<p>If I got it wrong, I apologize to OP, but EVERYTHING I read on this thread tells me that I am on the mark - that, we are dealing with obsession here, not devotion.</p>
<p>Please send me an electric shock if I ever post on this thread again.</p>
<p>I skipped all the middle of this thread, so I apologize if this point has been made. I have friends who followed their daughter to college (they rented out their house, moved hundreds of miles, set up a new office). The daughter didn’t visit as often as they liked. Daughter then transferred to the other coast to finish undergrad to the one city she knew the mother would not move to. So, there are real dangers that uprooting your lives will just mean that you are now in a new city without daughter.</p>
<p>On the Charles River in Boston or Cambridge? You’re joking…right? Condos on the Charles and on neighboring streets are VERY costly…think in the million dollar range…and up.</p>
<p>Renting?? Well…it will be very costly to do that as well. Are you planning to move furniture? If you want a furnished place, you will really be paying a LOT.</p>
<p>BUT agree with others…the finances of this do NOT really matter to the OP and family. I’m just blowing smoke for others to read.</p>
<p>BUT I do want to say…this OPs daughter WANTS the family to purchase a place on the upper west side of NYC. How lovely is that? Is she expecting the parents to purchase places for her to reside in for the rest of her LIFE…in “tony” areas? To be honest, this DD sounds like SHE also could use a reality check. Perhaps the parents don’t mind indulging this young lady…but really…if she wants to someday live in NYC…then she should get a job there HERSELF and move there HERSELF. Just my humble opinion.</p>
<p>I just had a thought…if the OP is considering renting or buying in the greater Boston area for $3000 a month…or more…I would suggest that the wife FLY to Boston once a month and stay at one of the swanky hotels for three days EVERY month. Take DD out to eat, and visit. College kids really like to go out to decent meals. You would accumulate frequent flyer miles and hotel points…some of the trips could actually be pretty inexpensive. Lots more flexible and cheaper than moving. And gives Wife some time with DD without Dad (who COULD go on these trips sometimes). Of course…then there wouldn’t be a dwelling for DD to move into when she graduates…but that’s another story.</p>
<p>“I think it is impossible to go on avoiding negative situations. It might be more important at this point to teach D about how to come out of a negative situation then to stay close to not let her in a negative situation to begin with.”</p>
<p>That’s really the crux of growing up, isn’t it? We tend to find ourselves in negative situations throughout life, no matter how carefully we (or our parents) manage our lives, so we’d better learn how to manage them.</p>
<p>The wonderful thing about a residential campus like MIT or Stanford is that it’s like independent living with training wheels. You can experiment and make mistakes in a controlled and safe environment. Only about 10% of what you learn at college happens in the classroom. If you get sick, well, there’s a health center, and the best doctors in the world are nearby.</p>
<p>We all want what’s best for our children. When my d had severe cramps on her left side, don’t you think that I wanted to jump in a teleporter and be there instantly? Instead, her bf helped her over to MIT Medical, which called them a cab and sent them to the emergency room at MGH. They spent the entire night there (calling us occasionally with updates). Hooray, it turned out to be nothing more than stomach flu. What she learned from that experience is that she can handle her own health emergencies with the help of a friend or partner. She doesn’t need Mom to rush to her bedside. I can rest easy knowing that if I get hit by a car tomorrow she will be able to take care of herself.</p>
<p>When I went to college I was 10 minutes away from my parents, and I got into just as much trouble as if I had been on the other side of the country. Being within 50 miles of your d will not somehow magically protect her from the vicisitudes of life. If you are in NYC you will feel that you could respond to a real emergency in the unlikely event that one occurs, and it would give your d someplace to crash if she feels the need for some home cooking and a little parental TLC. My guess is that if your W lives right next door to MIT the fighting between them will escalate to no one’s benefit. Now is the time to give your d a little breathing room.</p>
<p>Best case scenario for POIH family:
Daughter meets another frosh at CPW
They fall in love and marry
The 2 frosh start married and academic life at MIT
Mother and Father relieved of job to provide support and protect d because new husband will
POIH and Mrs. POIH stay in California, keep respective jobs with marriage intact</p>
<p>Best of luck to you and your family Op. Congratulations on your daughter’s acceptance to MIT. You and your wife must have been doing something right.</p>
<p>Your love for your d and family comes through and in the end, that more than anything else will help your daughter withstand whatever tough challenges life throws her.</p>
<p>I have seen a few instances in which parents moved to where their child went to college, and in those particular cases it actually worked out well – the parents were not suffocating the student, they were simply available in the area if needed. (And interestingly, two out of three involved sons, not daughters.) This is what I hope the OP has in mind. In contrast, I also saw an Asian mom following her daughter to a summer camp, and I think it was mostly a matter of this mother not trusting her daughter or the culture here. That situation was a disaster and I’m not sure if the parents and daughter even speak at this point. So I guess I think this could go either way.</p>
<p>I’m not sure why it’s necessary to even make all these decisions right now. The daughter will not hear from all the schools until April and who knows, maybe she’ll change her mind again when she sees her acceptances. It’s not an emergency; they can visit regularly until they find a place to rent or buy. </p>
<p>I’m sure this thread has made it clear to POIH that his plans, though considered normal in his circle, are way outside the bounds of normal to most Americans. So now he knows – following his daughter to college is considered very weird here! I’m sure his daughter realizes this and will handle it – most children of immigrants learn to manage both cultures and negotiate a life between the two.</p>
<p>POIH has also made clear that he’s not trying to change his wife, and he doesn’t really see the “50-mile rule” as a problem. While some of the posts were unduly harsh, at least he may now realize that there are other ways of looking at the situation, and in this culture their plans are viewed quite negatively. Family closeness is a positive thing, but they need to make sure they do not impede their daughter’s emotional growth and independence.</p>
<p>If POIH and his wife truly want to put their daughter’s welfare first, that must be the focus of every decision. I think their daughter will be able to make a very good argument that once she is in college, any interference or demands from them will jeopardize her performance at MIT, and I can’t believe her parents would want to risk that.</p>
<p>Renting a nice 1 bedroom apartment in Boston cost $1400/month 10 years ago. There were 2 bedroom apartments in that range in Boston but farther away from the Harvard bridge. I forget where exactly they were (but they weren’t on the Charles river, that’s for sure.)</p>
<p>I imagine it’s worse now.</p>
<p>There really wasn’t a lot of Cambridge residential areas which were on the Charles that I remember. MIT is on that side of the Charles river. Maybe there are some apartment complexes farther down? When I used to run along the Charles River on the Cambridge side, I don’t remember seeing .</p>
<p>Somerville is definitely cheaper, but obviously not as nice. A lot of grad students live in Somerville. BTW, some parts of Cambridge really aren’t that safe. They aren’t New Haven dangerous, but I would be somewhat careful.</p>
<p>There is a Chinatown in Boston. I don’t know if you would be interested in that. (As for someone’s suggestion that it would be hard to make friends, I think POIH and wife would be instant celebrities when they mention their daughter goes to MIT!! They might have to beat off the groupies.)</p>
<p>Yes, I know, and that’s CRAZY! There were other adults who were with her who had the job of being the adults, the ones to go to, the ones to help. You weren’t needed. You should have stayed at home, instead of sending the message that “only mommy or daddy will do, will help you, will do right by you.” First of all, it’s not true, and second of all, you are actively, willfully sending her the message that she cannot rely on other people, not even on herself. </p>
<p>Is that the message you want to send your D?</p>
<p>OP is Indian?! His wife is NOT putting their D as #1, she is selfishly, or mentally of ill health, putting HER OWN needs ahead of a healthy life for her D. Mid teens are not the same as older teens- they go through radical changes in becoming adults and separating from their parents. This does not sound anything like any Indian families I have ever known.</p>
<p>This is way over the top trying to psychoanalyze someone you have never laid eyes on. You apologize for seeming condescending and intrusive, which is exactly what you meant to be, so why ask for forgiveness? You were aggressive, rude and acting like you have some special insight into this family, which you do not and can not since this is just a board where everyone twists and turns everything left and right. There are many factors in play here, one of which is cultural, that you are not taking into account. </p>
<p>I think you should apologize…or go to a psychoanalyst to find out why you feel the need to tell other people exactly what is going on in their lives. They usually know.</p>
<p>POIH-
I just want to wish you and your family well and to let you know how graceful I think your last post was. </p>
<p>As an American, I tend to think that the best situation for your D would be to “go off to school alone”. I also tend to think that counseling could be helpful if you and/or your family were willing to do it. Those things are my cultural bias- having been raised in a society that prizes those things. </p>
<p>And I think its true that many Americans, and those who have become “Americanized” also value those two things. You have heard from the Americanized here- some are harsher than others, but all basically say the same thing- let go of your daughter and get the counseling help necessary to do so. </p>
<p>That being said, I respect your right (and your wife’s and daughter’s) to choose differently. I cannot say that my way is the only right way, or that the American way is the only right way. That would make me a very “Ugly American”. </p>
<p>Your love of both your wife and daughter come through loud and clear. And you have spent a significant amount of effort trying to find a way to make things work. I give you much credit for that. I can only hope that all goes well for all of you. There is a solution here- time will bear it out. And you have done a great job in seeking out all options and listening to all viewpoints. That is why I believe that this will all turn out well for all three of you. Keep working toward the goal of a happy family and a well-educated daughter. </p>
<p>Sending good thoughts your way as you wait to hear of final decisions. Peace be with you.</p>
<p>So far as I know, OP has not said; others surmised he’s Indian because of a comment about cricket in another post.</p>
<p>citrus,</p>
<p>
</snip></p>
<p>The cultural factor has been taken “into account,” as the poster you are trying to castigate is Asian and well aware of the cultural factors. Amusing post, however, as in it, you commit all the sins of which you accuse another!</p>