<p>I’ve heard this being discussed at work from my Asian colleagues. I like the idea of moving to get in-state tuition but not so much to be closer.</p>
<p>^^</p>
<p>now that makes sense.</p>
<p>how do the caucasian colleagues feel?</p>
<p>I know of a family in NYC with an only son going to NYU. The son grew up with a driver, housekeeper…never had to lift a finger in his life. The mother was panicking because the son would have to use a public bathroom and share a small dorm room. The son moved out, happy as a clam in his subpar living environment. He doesn’t call unless he has to, and he’ll sneak back to his parents’ apartment building to use the gym (he tips the doorman not to tell, but I guess the parents tip more because they found out).</p>
<p>I grew up in a very traditional Asian family. I couldn’t wait to move out to be on my own when I went away to college. My parents also wanted me to live at home after college until I got married. I go married right out of college so I wouldn’t have to live at home - yes, I loved my husband too, but we could have waited.</p>
<p>No, don’t move with your daughter. If you really have to, don’t make her live at home.</p>
<p>I’ll try to answer questions raised:</p>
<ol>
<li>D is our only child.</li>
<li>Yes, my wife never went to college away from home and since I stayed in college dorm after high school till the graduate school, so we have very different view of this situation.</li>
<li>My wife is going to be close to my D (within 50 miles) for the rest of her life. She will even move to another country. </li>
<li>If I won’t move even then my wife will. She is a school teacher and she is of the opinion that she will get a comparable job anywhere.</li>
<li>If the economy has not gone bad, changing jobs might not be hard for me either.</li>
<li>D will still be living in the dorm, my wife just want to be in 50 miles radius.</li>
</ol>
<p>I really don’t want my wife and I to be living separately, so it is becoming a bit hard for me. I tried telling her that it might be more important now to be making the sort of money we had for the next four year instead of moving and loose some or most of it.</p>
<p>All the other excellent reasons aside, leaving what I assume is a well-paying, secure job to move cross-country in the current economy is an enormously risky move. If you’re in high-tech, even more so. You’d also be uprooting your D from the friends and stability she has known much of her life. I’d shudder at trying to sell your house in the current CA market.</p>
<p>Time to create a life beyond your D’s. There is no guarantee she’ll be in Boston four years from now.</p>
<p>Crossposted – Yeah, there is that minor issue of paying for tuition/room/board for the next four years, too. You’re in a difficult spot, POIH – it sounds like you prefer to stay put for the next few years until the economy and your D’s life settle down. I agree with you on that one.</p>
<p>How does your daughter feel about it?</p>
<p>I suggest marital counseling because what your wife is planning doesn’t make sense. You’re apt to lose big money on the move, and then may be left in a position in which you have to move yet again and again --losing money, friends, stability – each time.</p>
<p>I don’t know if you’ve moved as an adult, but it’s difficult. It’s not like going away to college, where it’s easy to make friends. It’s hard enough making friends in a new area when one is an with school-aged kids, whose parents may become friends with you. It’s absolutely dreadful trying to make friends as a middle aged or older adult with grown kids in a new area where you don’t know anyone except perhaps your work mates, the majority of whom are far younger and have their own established lives.</p>
<p>There aren’t jobs everywhere for teachers. Even teachers are being laid off.</p>
<p>How can your wife move without you? Hard for me to imagine she really could do that. Boston area is sky high expensive. Unrealistic for her to think she coudl get a job and support herself in that new area. And she’d have no friends, etc. If she’s imagining herself spending lots of cozy time with your D, she’s being highly unrealistic. </p>
<p>In this job market, in most fields, it’s hard for anyone to get employment. In many fields, it’s far easier for young people to be hired than for older people – even older people with excellent skills – because older people are more expensive to hire.</p>
<p>I truly doubt that your wife would be able to manage the kind of move she’s planning on unless you chose to give up your life, sell your house at a loss, etc. to go with her. It’s just too darned hard for middle aged people to make the kind of move in this economy that your wife thinks she can do.</p>
<p>You both also would be losing things like your health care and other things that go along with being a longterm employee.</p>
<p>I second oldfort’s question. What does your daughter say about this?</p>
<p>DO NOT MOVE- either of you. Many reasons. Your wife needs to know that she will NOT live close to her D, she needs counseling if necessary to understand this. The umbilical cord was cut at birth. Your D may have chosen the east coast to get away from her. Your wife is not likely to find a job- she first needs to get that state’s licensure and in today’s economy school districts are laying off teachers- even increasing class sizes- to meet budgets.</p>
<p>You are planning on going from the California climate to a definite winter climate. Students can handle this if they love their school. Your D will have NO time for you during the school year- trying to see her will set her up for failure- does your wife want that?</p>
<p>Your D will most likely move after undergrad, and all the things mentioned by other posters. Your wife has a serious psychological problem that needs to be addressed. If I were your D I would join the Peace Corps so my mother couldn’t follow me- or, heaven forbid, be desparate enough to join the military and go overseas.</p>
<p>Also crossposted. We are considering moving to the same coast as our son (and only child) if he ends up on one for grad school when we are both retired, being within hundreds instead of thousands of miles may be nice. It is so nice to be empty nesters. You two need to rediscover each other- think back to before you had a child and were just a couple. If your marriage isn’t important to your wife the suggestion of marriage counseling is good. Your wife probably doesn’t imagine herself all alone in a strange city/state- this is what will happen to her. She has to have all sorts of underlying problems if she thinks she needs to live her life through her D.</p>
<p>How does your daughter feel about this? Would your wife still do it even if your daughter objected?</p>
<p>I agree with #27. Husband and wife should be together. Your kid will grow up and you two will just have each other. What if you get sick? even minor illness. You still need the other person to make soup for you.</p>
<p>Northstarmom,
I bow before your awesome number of posts! My single parent sibling is considering the same kind of move when her only goes to school next year. I am against it for lots of the reasons above.<br>
I think the suggestion of counseling is spot on. Whatever restlessness exists now in CA will exist in magnitude in Boston if the OP and his wife move. Additionally to move across country without employment may jeopardize the student’s future at the chosen school.<br>
If the Mom absolutely cannot bear to be away from the daughter, the daughter should go to a CA school.</p>
<p>My kids would have disowned us if we followed them to college! My son wasn’t even that thrilled when we wanted to visit him at boarding school!</p>
<p>I fourth the question oldfort originated: how does your D feel about this?</p>
<p>OP,</p>
<p>If your wife wants to follow your daughter to college in spite of your daughter’s objection, she needs therapy.</p>
<p>If your daughter also wants her mother to move with her to college, BOTH your daughter and your wife need therapy.</p>
<p>FDR’s mom lived with him during college. In fact, when he got married they all moved into a brownstone. </p>
<p>So the question is: do you want your daughter to become one of the greatest leaders in American history?</p>
<p>If so, move in with her.</p>
<p>If not, let her be on her own.</p>
<p>(Sadly, I lived away from my parents during college.)</p>
<p>parentofIvyhope:</p>
<p>Let me tell your wife two stories. One involves a Japanese-American I met many years ago in Britain. She was from LA. Her father very very reluctantly let her attend Berkeley, but insisted on flying up every weekend to see her, thus completely ruining her social life. The upshot? As soon as the daughter graduated, she decamped to Europe where she married a European. When I knew her, her parents were visiting her for the first time in years and were dismayed by the huge cultural gap between themselves, their daughter and her European husband.</p>
<p>Next story: Our S lives within walking distance of our house. We hardly ever see him because he loves being in his dorm, with his friends, or else he is busy with problem sets. For all we see him, he could be on the other coast (just a slight exaggeration). However, his roommate, who does come from CA, seems to be going home as frequently as our S does :(</p>
<p>If your wife were to move, there is no guarantee that she would see your D often; MIT is a notorious pressure-cooker. And she would lose all her own friends. And if she’s not used to the MA weather, she’d be in for a really rude shock.</p>
<p>by the way, an earlier post states that in many Asian countries, children stay with the parents until marriage, they all grow up well functioning adults, so perhaps, this is OK.</p>
<p>Well, I am from an Asia. And, let me tell you: in these countries you mentioned, parents who can barely afford still buy their adult children a house, car, send a maid to help out with house chores. In return, they “own” their children, thinking they have the right to meddle ad nauseum on how the adult children should live. Then, there are abusive parents who think they should be thoroughly supported by their adult children no matter what.</p>
<p>Of course, this is much more extreme than the OP’s wife’s desire to live within 50 miles of her daughter come what may. Still, the root is the same: the inability/unwillingness to treat the children as separate entities, no longer the extension of the parent. </p>
<p>So, darn the sensitivity of an anthropologist with a fixation on cultural relativism! Having seen all sorts of family pathologies due to the lack of generational separation or independence, I prefer western style independence 1000 times over. I am willing to pay through the nose for my children expensive private college education, but my financial involvement largely ends there unless there are really dire circumstances. AND, my children owe me NOTHING in return going forward.</p>
<p>
I think this is a bit harsh. The wife has a <em>cultural</em> difference that needs to be addressed, but I don’t think it’s a sign of mental illness. Clearly being close to the daughter is a priority for this foreign-born mother. The situation should be examined without American cultural bias.</p>
<p>That said, the OP hasn’t told us how his daughter feels. A move to Boston is clearly going to be an extreme hardship for the parents, so in that respect it makes no sense and the OP should make clear to his wife the financial repercussions. I think there may be compromise solutions, such as the parents renting a Boston apartment for extended visits. However, my advice would be to send her to Stanford!</p>
<p>I feel for your wife. She is going to miss your daughter terribly. </p>
<p>My daughter is across the country and I send her packages constantly as a coping mechanism on my part. However we have noticed good changes in her. Now when she comes home she sees her friends but also turns them down to spend time with us. We have had great conversations. It is so good to see how confident she is and all the good choices she is making about her studies and about her life. Of course I have worried when she need to go to the doctor but she figured it out.</p>
<p>I am thinking of signing up with one of the local colleges to be a local host for a foreign student - have them over for supper, down to the lake for a day, Thanksgiving, etc. Maybe that will activate some good karma and my daughter will find someone to keep an eye for her. May be your wife could focus all the love and attention on someone who would appreciate it and relieve a mother in another country?</p>