Relocating with D to east coast; Does it make sense?

Parent Cafe
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<p>hyeonjlee, We don’t have enough information from the OP to assume that they will somehow “own” their adult daughter and are “unwilling to treat her as a separate entity.”</p>

<p>My own observations of multiple family dynamics all over Europe and Japan are different from those you describe. I have seen multi-generational closeness that is rare in the U.S. without the sense of parental ownership that you describe. I don’t think either Asian or western lifestyles are perfect and there are family pathologies in all cultures. I also don’t believe there is anything inherently wrong with the mom who wants to be in close proximity to her only child, though it could certainly signal all sorts of problems – but we would need more information to reach that conclusion. I just wanted to point out that the responses the OP is receiving are mostly negative because the situation runs against mainstream American cultural expectations.</p>

42

<p>I’m trying to answers some more questions raised.</p>

<ol>
<li>D is fine with the move as long as she is staying in the dorm and we are with in a 50 miles radius or so.</li>
<li>We’ve gone to most of our D’s trips outside of the city staying within the 50 miles.</li>
<li>We both are in our early 40s and if the economy stayed well we were planning to retire in 8 years, which is no more a valid preposition.</li>
<li>We were planning to rent out our present house in CA and buy another in MA but with economy down we will have to rent.</li>
<li>D is going to be a full paying student so we were planning to pre-pay the four year of tuition which I’m not in favor of now.</li>
<li>I might be able to relocate with the same company but will need to take a pay cut.</li>
</ol>

43

<p>If your daughter is going to be in a dorm, how much do you really plan to see her?</p>

<p>Also, is saying that she’s “fine” with it another way of saying she will endure what she can’t change?</p>

44

<p>There is going to come a point where your D is not going to be crazy about the idea of “the parentals” packing up and moving with her with every change she makes. </p>

<p>There is also personal growth that occurs being more than 50 miles away, growth for both the parents and the child. I think that, with the economy, you should consider staying put for a few years, and allow that growth to happen. Then, if you still feel the same way, and if D feels it as well, make the move. But if this is really destined to be, if you are both happy and meant to be with each other for life–within 50 miles–give her some space now, then when she knows were she wants to be for more than just the next four years, make the move. If your wife is going no matter what, with no compromise or input from you, then it makes things more difficult.</p>

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<p>I’m just back from a long weekend at MIT. The silver lining of the economy is air fare. I got a round trip ticket for $329. Hotel rates in the MIT area plummet on weekends, and although the flight is long, the campus is only a few minutes away from the airport by cab or T. If your wife wants to cook for your daughter while she’s there, check out the Residence Inn near Kendall Square. [Residence</a> Inn by Marriott Boston Cambridge: Hotel suite accommodations in the Cambridge area of Boston Massachusetts.](<a href=“http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/boscm-residence-inn-boston-cambridge/]Residence”>http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/boscm-residence-inn-boston-cambridge/)</p>

<p>I say all this because it is hard having my first-born so far away, but moving in this economy seems like a bad idea. If your wife moves and you don’t, you will be paying for 2 residences in an area that is every bit as expensive as California. If you both move, you will be risking your income. You will be seeing very little of your daughter - she will be too busy with p-sets, exams, UROP, etc. If she’s like my daughter, believe me, when she looks at grad school it will be in California!</p>

<p>Perhaps your wife could be persuaded not to move the first year. If she really can’t stand being so far away from her daughter, you could both start job-hunting next winter and be ready to move by summer.</p>

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<p>Would your wife be open to a compromise like- letting your D go it alone for the freshman year- see if she likes the school, etc. Then if all is well, plan to move in your d’s sophomore year or junior year. Hopefully the economy would be better by then as well.</p>

<p>I personally don’t think it’s a great idea to follow your D to school, for all the American reasons stated above. However- regardless of cultural bias, there is the economic impact to consider and the fact that your D will be living a life in America, I assume, and therefore would benefit from a more “American” college experience (ie. without parents nearby). </p>

<p>Also a year would give everyone involved time to consider this more thoroughly and make the appropriate plans to do it, hopefully in a somewhat better economy. Also- a lot changes in a year.</p>

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<p>I can totally see moving within a certain radius of a child’s permanent home, to be a presence in the grandchildren’s lives and to make it easier on the child as you age, but I’m not getting it during the college years at all. I could see the Mom being very lonely without her job and friends and her daughter in school. As was pointed out above, teachers are being laid off right now and if daughter starts college in September, it’s getting on in the range of too late for Mom to get a job in Massachusetts for the fall, meaning loss of income and sitting in a rental alone every day. I’m sure her daughter would be aware of that, too, which would be an added stressor.</p>

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<p>My silly post aside, I think the fact this is MIT does change the answer. If it was any other school I would say definitely “no.” But I’ve seen many people crash and burn there because of emotional issues, issues that probably wouldn’t exist or wouldn’t have been as intense had they gone to another college.</p>

<p>I don’t know what the answer is. I would say that if she is unhappy after a year there, then having a parent in the area might help. (A transfer might be better, but a lot of people are reluctant to transfer out of MIT.)</p>

49

<p>I can not emphasize more how miserable you and your wife are likely to be if you move to Mass. from California. I have lived in both places – having gone to school at Harvard and Stanford, and I’m from Upstate NY.</p>

<p>The culture in Mass. is completely different from California, no matter what part of Calif. you are from. You are very likely to experience the Mass people as being cold and unfriendly, and you are likely to loathe the weather, which includes long days, a long, frigid, forbidding winter, and many gray skies. </p>

<p>It likely will be very hard for you to make friends. It’s harder at midlife and older to make friends anyway, for the reasons I’ve mentioned before, but there’s a class system and old boys network in Mass. that makes it even harder to make friends – particularly if you are not in school yourself.</p>

<p>One of my Harvard classmates who was from northern California transferred to Stanford because she hated Boston so much.</p>

<p>In addition to marital counseling, I suggest that you and your wife take a week-long visit to Boston now – while the weather is still bad, and then imagine what it would be like living months on end with even worse weather. Also check out just how friendly people are to you, a newcomer. This may help both of you realize that life isn’t likely to be rosy if you make such a move.</p>

<p>Add to that, it’s very likely that your D will choose to go to grad school or settle in a different part of the country-- possibly even back in Calif., just as many of my Calif. friends did after spending 4 years in Mass. Just how many times do you plan to move, and do you really think your emotions and budget could handle that? Moving is one of the most stressful things that anyone can do. Don’t undertake a move lightly.</p>

<p>No matter how close your D is to you, if she’s got the guts and brains to go to a place like MIT, it’s not very probable that she’ll choose to spend her free time there hanging out with Mom and Dad.</p>

50

<p>anneroku,</p>

<p>I agree with other posters that moving within 50 miles to be near the adult children’s permanent home to be near grand kids etc makes sense. </p>

<p>But, the OP’s situation is different. </p>

<p>The OP’s wife is even willing to separate from her husband to be near the daughter. How is this normal or desirable? Do you honestly believe all that is involved is just living within 50 miles with NO unspoken expectations about the interaction between the parent and child that come with it? .An adult child needs to form their own primary relationship away from the parents. This mother’s desire to form a primary relationship with the daughter, rather than with her own spouse, can only spell trouble later when the daughter wants to move on with her own primary relationship.</p>

<p>Even in some Asian countries, where a lot of this (splitting the family) happens to give a minor child better education in a different location/country, a mother following a college age children around, while leaving a husband behind, is EXCEPTIONALLY rare, and even within that cultural milieu, considered extreme and abnormal. </p>

<p>Trust me: if we are indeed talking about Asian values, I know what I am talking about. Cultural relativism sounds politically correct, and we should all be sensitive, but chasing your daughter to all out of city trips and to stay within 50 miles no matter what? Please give this girl a chance to grow up as an independent adult - after all, she is an American growing up in a country where independence is a cherished norm and a yardstick to judge people’s maturity. When in Rome, etc…</p>

<p>Sorry to sound a bit harsh, but cultural relativism can go too far to justify all sorts of practices that are not healthy.</p>

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<p>Oh, please no, MA is not a cheap place to live in. Real estate is outrageous, insurance is a massive pain in the ass, and we have some wonky government (hellooo, Ted Kennedy!).</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the replies but it seems there are no posts that justify the move. As much as I know my wife she won’t stay here in CA. Untill last year I was also looking forward to the move too. I’m not very social and will be happy anywhere in this world with an internet connection. On the other hand my wife is so social that she can make friends anywhere in this world. So we thought it will be fun to move and experience living and cultural differences.
I still believe that job/money is important but not at the cost of family so will be moving if need be.</p>

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<p>I am going to throw this one out there…Why is your daughter considering MIT, not Cal Tech, Stanford or Berkeley? Maybe she wants to get away. Maybe she never thought her mother would be crazy enough to move across the country to be with her.</p>

<p>I am Chinese, my parents live 5 miles away from me. They call me for everything. I actually enjoy their company and don’t mind seeing them. But I have my independence. I am their care taker now, not the other way around.</p>

<p>It doesn’t matter what culture you are in, by not allowing her to live on her own you are not sending her the right message. You are telling her she couldn’t make it on her own. Is that what your wife really wants your daughter to believe? You are not always going to be around. You want your daughter to have enough confidence to stand on her own. She may be in a bad relationship someday where she’ll need to leave. You wouldn’t want her to think it’s too scary to do so.</p>

<p>Another point is it is a lot of burden for anyone to feel he/she is the source of someone else’s happiness. Your wife is putting too much pressure on your daughter. Your daughter is going to feel guilty if she doesn’t spend time with your wife next year, when she should really be focusing on her schoolwork and her friends.</p>

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<p>D and as well as my wife and I were never interested in UCs so D has not even gone for her Regents/Chancellor interviews after EA at MIT/Caltech. MIT was one of D’s top choice to begin with and that is why she applied there early.
D has not chosen MIT over Stanford, as she doesn’t have an acceptance from Stanford yet. She has decided that she is not going to Caltech/UCs and the only place she will go out of California is Cambridge, MA.
D has all the freedom to do what she chooses to do. We have not interfere in her trips also. She has gone for Model UN, Debate, school trips, leadership conference, summer research. The only thing we have always done is to go on the same trips on our own and had vacation.
I also liked it as it give me break from my work too.</p>

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<p>ParentofIvyhope:</p>

<p>If your D does go to MIT, I can almost guarantee you that she will be far too busy to come home. She will be doing problem sets (with friends, not by herself).<br>
Think about the time your D can come home: maybe Thanksgiving, definitely January (a whole month) spring break then summer. Honestly, even though we live within walking distance, we don’t get to see S much more often than that! You can also visit at Freshman Parents Weekend. If the Thanksgiving vacation is too short for your D to come home, you can come to visit her in Cambridge (My S’s CA roommate actually flew home for it, then back again for Christmas three weeks later).
Furthermore, in four years time, your D will be graduating and going elsewhere for graduate school. MIT, like many other schools, strongly discourages its graduates from staying on. And while there is a lot of traffic between MIT and Harvard, there is absolutely no guarantee that your D would be moving from one to the other. Would your wife want to move again?
When she does have a career, perhaps then would be the time to consider moving to be close to her. I have some friends whose S attended Harvard, then med school in CA, then did his residency at Johns Hopkins, and ended up practicing in Baltimore. His parents moved to Baltimore to be closer to their grandchildren. I can see that, but not following one’s child around the country every few years.</p>

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<p>Being part of a two career couple, I would say that having had my mother-in-law 100 miles away when my kids were little so that she could come over and help us out when they were sick or had no school was terrific. My kids grew up being very close to her, and it was and still is a wonderful situation, but she always gave us plenty of space. </p>

<p>However, I don’t think that moving to where she matriculates is a good idea and it could actually become a distraction for her. I do think that all things being equal, I’d like our D to go somewhere within a 1 hour time zone difference - a 3 hour time zone difference seems more difficult to stay close without special planning - so I can understand where your wife is coming from. I would suggest that if you do move, it be no CLOSER than 50 miles so that your daughter has the space that she needs to grow, but could lean on you if need be or meet for dinner every so often. </p>

<p>I agree that you should specifically ask your daughter, being mindful that she might not be honest so as to not hurt your feelings.</p>

<p>Marite: MIT by no means discourages its graduates from staying on. They are the rare exception.</p>

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<p>My understanding is that it does (through the advisors). Ditto Harvard, Princeton, etc…</p>

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<p>It seems that you have made up your mind to do this, in spite of your reservations. It doesn’t sound like anything is going to change your wife’s mind about it, but can you share some of the comments here with her? I can’t imagine that your daughter would want her mother to go through a move like that, likely not have a job, and probably have minimal time with her (your daughter) anyway. </p>

<p>When you say that you have gone on the same trips and had vacation, does that mean that you have gone to the same place that your daughter was and done a vacation there at the same time she was there?</p>

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<p>They do discourage staying at MIT in math and the pure sciences. However, in engineering it is very common to stay at MIT for bachelor’s, master’s, and the PhD.</p>

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<p>While I would personally never make this move, I don’t agree that there is something inherently dysfunctional or unhealthy in the parents’ relationship to their daughter, though I admit it is unusual and extreme. When I mentioned the fact that college students in other countries usually live with their parents, I did not mean that the parents follow their children like this; rather, most students simply live at home.</p>

<p>ParentOfIvyHope,
I think you should discuss this privately with your daughter and really listen to what she prefers. It sounds like she is used to this situation and may not question it, but it would be a good idea to get her honest feelings. Other posters are right to point out that she will not have much time to spend with you regardless of where you live.</p>

<p>I am hoping that your daughter will be accepted to Stanford, as this option may solve the problem.</p>