<p>Hi! My son is a III Form at a boarding school. While ranking doesn't really matter, it is one of the top 30, but not HADES. Academically, he is right in the middle of the freshman pack. (Tough first half - great second half) At march break, he had 1 B, 3 B- and 1 C+. He loves his classes and his teachers. The problem is with student life. The dorm is an absolute disaster and he is being physically bullied by his roommate. The dorm parents and administration are aware of this and they did put the roommate on disciplinary probation. This week, my son was hit in the back of the head by his roommate in front of the head dorm parent. (Son used the word slapped, dorm parent confirmed the incident happened, but wanted us to know it was just a cuff and not as hard as a slap.) Anyway, the dorm parent told the roommate to knock it off, but no punishment was administered. So, my son called to apologize to us that he couldn't fix it and wanted to know what he had to do so the dorm parent would like him enough to help him. He feels like a failure and unworthy of support from the faculty. His dreams for boarding school are shattered and his self esteem is in tatters. Also, his dorm parent mentioned that he is not the same kid that arrived in Sept and seems withdrawn and depressed. When asked if she spoke to him or tired to help, she said no it was just an observation. His advisor has never called us once - all year. When we've called him, he says he will talk to him but he has not ability to affect the dorm. (One kid didn't even come back after spring break - just packed up and left for good)</p>
<p>Needless to say, we are done and ready to move on. We spoke to a school he was also accepted to last year that we turned down. They may very well have a slot for him and we will move him in a heartbeat as the second school is known for the great relationships between faculty and students.</p>
<p>So, anyway, the question is whether he should repeat freshman year at the new school (assuming we can move him)? If so, do we pull him out now, before the end of this year, and just let him start over? He is truly concerned about his physical safety and, quite frankly, so are we.</p>
<p>No. Send him to summer school if you have to get him caught up - one option I learned about from a parent on these boards is CTY - High school web courses through Johns Hopkin’s University. </p>
<p>But yes - move him to a better school. No - don’t have him repeat freshman year. At college time, an interviewer can right a report to explain the grade anomaly. </p>
<p>I have a bigger question to ask - if the abuse is documented, did you escalate the complaint up the chain? Does the school have a code of ethics or a policy on bullying and hazing. The roommate should have been suspended. Probably wasn’t, because you weren’t making enough fuss about it. (Only other time I’ve seen lenience was when the parent was a big BIG donor).</p>
<p>The word for what his roommate is doing is “assault.” Why not file a complaint at the local police station? Even if you don’t press charges, it would send a message.</p>
<p>But I am curious why you spend money on a school that allows another student to beat up your child. I would have transferred my own after the first semester. </p>
<p>Until then, the bully needs to be moved. Maybe he should live with the dorm parents until they get sick of being “slapped” around too. :-(</p>
<p>To answer a few of your questions. Yes, we are up to the Dean of Students on the matter. Yes, we have not been a loud enough squeaky wheel. We have tried to hard to be reasonable and take everyone’s feelings and concerns into account. The bullying has been documented and no one disputes several of the instances. I agree that we have gotten vocal as parents only recently. We have worked hard to have our son handled it independently. But, the school’s position is that the bullying child will not be back next year and so our son just has to stay out of his way until then. </p>
<p>The bully is currently on disciplinary probation for this behavior toward not only my son, but others in the freshman dorm (one victim left at spring break and did not return to finish the year). Our frustration boiled over when my son was on the receiving end of unwanted physical contact given in anger in front of a dorm parent, who then did not discipline the child. The dorm parent’s answer - it didn’t look like it hurt that much. Believe me, we have spent the day working our way up the chain of command. The promise is that he will have a single next year and that “bully” will be gone next year. So, for whatever reason, the schools code is not being adhered to - I think because the roommate is not being allowed back in, the school thinks it is handled long term and are now just waiting for the year to end.</p>
<p>However, now we are trying to focus on next year and just pray that a sophomore slot at the other school is open to us. I appreciate the opinion about repeating freshman year. As a mom, I thought it might give him a refuge to start over. But, I guess that is my need to be protective to my “hurt baby”. Plus, I have guilt over not getting involved soon enough and just talking to my son as he talked to dorm parents, form dean, his advisor and the dean of students himself over the last couple of months to try and work out a solution. We let it go way too long and only went over the head of the dorm parent and advisor recently. We will not repeat that mistake ever again.</p>
<p>If one boy left after spring break, is there not a space open in that room? I would not leave my son sharing a room with an admitted bully. At the very least, he should not be required to share a room with someone who’s attacked him.</p>
<p>It’s the least trouble for the school if the bully doesn’t return next year. That isn’t your concern. If your son has been holding his own academically, there seems little reason to repeat his freshman year. If he wants to repeat his freshman year, the new school recommends it, and you can afford it, then I suppose there’s no harm in it if it helps him to make a new start. </p>
<p>If he does not feel physically safe, I would take that very seriously. If he’s been physically battered in front of the dorm parent, that’s a very bad sign. To whom can he turn for help, especially if you have heard nothing from his advisor? If the school isn’t following its own code, what will happen if the bullying continues? It doesn’t sound as if the adults are taking actions to protect the other students. If one of his classmates already left, at least one set of parents decided a month ago not to trust the school to keep their son safe.</p>
<p>Bullies are going to show up at boarding schools. Generally, they should be quickly identified (first month or 2) and the situation should be made quite clear (behaviors that are not acceptable with clear consequences - i.e. leaving the school) before Thanksgiving. If this continued through the winter, he should have been sent home (instead of the kid who left) by spring break. </p>
<p>The fact that the dorm parent minimizes the bully’s effect (didn’t hit that hard) clearly demonstrates that the dorm parent is the person needing removal from the school. </p>
<p>I suggest that you need to talk to the headmaster at this point. The dean of students is not responsible for choosing dorm parents. You should be asking for a good referral and some contacts at other appropriate boarding schools with the explicit message sent that this boarding school screwed up and needs to move this great kid for his own benefit. </p>
<p>If the headmaster is hesitant to help you in placing your son elsewhere, you should let them know that there will be public relations consequences, if not legal action (this is child abuse to allow any kids known to bully to hit another child). The department of children’s services would be a good place to start. The fact that one child has already left, indicates that with multiple complaints this isn’t just one family shaking down a boarding school. Also insist that notes be made into his permanent record that his grades probably suffered because of the situation that the school allowed to happen. You will be needing to explain his school change and perhaps his declining grades (I’m sure the bullying has had its effect).</p>
<p>You might also ask around to see if the bully’s family is “well connected” with the school. This may actually be the reason the bully is still there. You’d be quite surprised how many schools who notify the parents of bully’s find they are recipients of considerable donations to look the other way.</p>
<p>Have a lawyer contact the school on your behalf. If you don’t have funds, contact legal aid. I used them once when I was a dirt poor college student and they were wonderful.</p>
<p>What you need to do right NOW is get your son out of that room. I know there are only two months left, but the school is counting on your being passive about this.</p>
<p>It IS NOT acceptible. Most schools have a no tolerance policy and even those at the schools we considered for my own daughter show that type of behavior will result in expulsion.</p>
<p>Only explanation I can come up with is:
Parents are rich donors
and/or
School scared to send boy back to his home environment.</p>
<p>Either way - we give your PERMISSION to stick up for your son right now. A call or letter from an attorney will advance your cause and make the school take notice.</p>
<p>I know this is hard, but hon - you are being too passive and your son is suffering because of this. THis has nothing to do with his “being independent” He’s still a minor and you are still his legal guardian. Would you not scream if something similar were happening at a local school?</p>
<p>But having his repeat freshman year only repeats his victim status and lowers his self-esteem. It will make him feel as if he did something wrong. Hire tutors or put him in classes for the summer if you must - but the big issue now is that boy needs to be out of that room immediately. Give the school a deadline and have a lawyer back you up. Worth the expense of time to get that done now.</p>
<p>Also - forget the chain of command. This will be more effective:</p>
<ol>
<li>Call the Headmaster</li>
<li>Follow up with a certified letter that is CC:d to the board of trustees.</li>
</ol>
<p>If you get no response - you need a lawyer because the school is liable for damages. But YOU MUST document this effort on paper. Otherwise they school knows they have you in a bind because it will all be “he said, she said” word of mouth which is weak evidence in court.</p>
<p>Just my opinion- but the school is negligent in having your son remain in the room with a physical bully. There is nothing that schools hate worse than bad publicity, a call to the headmaster should get some quick action. Not sure I would pay a lawyer yet though- you should be able to handle this on your own with one phone call.</p>
<p>Don’t look back at what you might have done differently. No one plans to have their child bullied. Your son probably tried to solve the problem on his own, which is admirable. If the school wanted to deal with it effectively, his actions should have triggered action. </p>
<p>The dorm head may be minimizing the problems to his superiors. The advisor should have been in contact long since. </p>
<p>If the other school might have an open spot, I would follow up on that. If he could transfer now, he could potentially decide whether to continue as a sophomore next year, or to repeat. He could start to make friends, and find a good advisor.</p>
<p>From the school’s viewpoint, 2 months is a short time. For a kid who’s being physically bullied, it’s a long time.</p>
<p>Don’t waste energy on shoulda, coulda, woulda… Now’s the time to act. Moms are nice until they’re angry. It’s o.k. to be angry now.</p>
<p>Does your son have a prefect to help him or just the dorm parent? The headmaster needs to address the issue as well as the dean of students. If neither of them keep pooh-poohing the situation, then an attorney needs to address it.</p>
<p>I’m sorry this happened to your son. I remember his/your posts last year, and he seemed to be a bright enthusiastic boy. </p>
<p>I don’t understand why he has to room with this other student who is obviously a problem. I hope you can get him moved quickly so he can finish the year in peace.</p>
<p>I agree with Periwinkle…time to get angry and make sure the school is protecting your son. Bullying is far beyond the strength of a slap and that dorm parent is minimizing the effects of your son’s room mates actions on your son. You definitely need to bring this to the top of the food chain.</p>
<p>Thanks everybody for the fresh perspectives. As an update, the Headmaster is involved and they are trying to get my son into a single in the next day or two. My son has set up a phone conference with a difference school to discuss admissions in the fall. So, there is at least some good forward traction in the right direction.</p>
<p>For everyone out there, please remember that fit is important not statistics.</p>
<p>Get him out of the room. And then decide if you want to get him out of the school. Absolutely get the headmaster involved. </p>
<p>I am sure there’s info that you (and certainly us CC parents also) aren’t privy to – but the headmaster should get to the heart of the matter. I don’t imagine they want to lose a student, but my experience is that they want the best for the kids in the long run.</p>
<p>Let me ask a question: if the bullying didn’t occur, would he have been happy there? I think the bullying is obscene, but I don’t want it to mean there wasn’t a good fit there. I hate to think that one child can run another child out of a school, particularily if the bully will be gone. Yes, I think the school could have been a lot more proactive, but they are finally doing the right thing and I hope the school will be the poster child for zero tolerance in the future. If your son loved everything about the school, with the exception of this bad apple, then I would consider staying. Also, we have never received a call from my d’s advisor either. We’ve made a few to him, and he always makes the time to talk to us at length, but I think advisors do not, as a rule, reach out to parents on a regular basis. Now, if your son had confided in him often about the problem, then it would be different.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
zp</p>
<p>zuzu - It seems, unfortunately, that the school has done pretty much everything wrong in this case . . . such that it would be hard to trust them again. As I understand it, luvscuba’s son was very proactive in bringing these problems to the attention of both the dorm parent and the Dean of Students . . . and was essentially ignored by both of them. It took his parent’s intervention to finally start to effectuate some changes. This is not kindergarten, it’s high school . . . and the people in charge should have taken this student’s complaints more seriously.</p>
<p>That seems like enough of a reason to switch schools. At some point, I hope you can PM one of us with the name. We could alert other parents who may be considering the school.</p>
<p>When my daughter is out of my site, I want to be sure the school will address physical violence more proactively.</p>
<p>It is awful that your child is being bullied and I’m glad that the school is starting to deal with it now instead of 2 months from now.</p>
<p>I have a question about your son repeating his freshman year. How old is he? Is he one of those students who is one of the youngest in his grade (summer or fall birthday)? If so, repeating his freshman year could be benificial. A year to mature and get his self confidence back.</p>
<p>It is pretty easy to figure out where luvscuba’s mom son is at school. Old decision threads will tell you.
I also knew my position would be an unpopular one. But I still think that her son could do well at his current school now that the situation is changing. Don’t be so sure that it will be all roses somewhere else. I would hope it would be, but it is hard to be a new kid, and the new school could just as easily have bullying issues. I would also hope that the new school would deal with it promptly and effectively, but there is no guarantee.
I am not sure what I would do in this case. But if the school was a great fit otherwise, I would think long and hard about leaving. But I am not in the op’s shoes, so I really can’t judge.
zp</p>
<p>I think the reason for changing schools is more for eliminating the bad memories returning next year. Even if the dorm parent who was allowing the bullying activity to occur leaves, tongues will wag with regards to the circumstances and it is best not to be a part of it.</p>
<p>The headmaster at least owes this student a clean start someplace where he won’t be haunted by this year’s experience. He owes the school as a whole a cleanup of the athmosphere that allowed this to occur. While the headmaster did not create the situation, he is responsible for sending the message that the school will correct things for everyone (both past students and future students) and not tolerate the situation going forward.</p>