>>>Request: Review and score my practice test essay<<<

Test Preparation
1

<p>I took a practice test and I want to see if the essay I wrote for it was good. Please point out areas where I can improve, etc.</p>

<p>Assignment: Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your opinion with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Throughout history, man has sought to develop new ideas and technologies that make life easier. Since the invention of the wheel, man has done a voluminous amount of work coming up with technology that makes life easier so he would have to do less work in the future. However, while this may seem to make life better, it has the opposite effect on many people. This is evident through an analysis of the history of the United States.</p>

<p>In the 1800s, the US was an agrarian society with an economy and a social fabric based on farming. However, the use of the railroad, which was a change that was supposed to make life easier for the farmers by providing them with an efficient means of transporting crops, transformed society for the worse. Farmers started to lose their businesses because of the high rates charged by railroad companies. As a result, this change had a negative effect on American society by morphing it from a hard-working, agricultural society into a dishonest, industrial society.</p>

<p>Moving on into modern history, transportation was made even easier with the advent of the automobile. This change in transportation was initially meant to make lives easier by cutting the time it took to get from one place to another. However, once again, adverse effects of this new invention appeared when people began to overuse their cars. The environment became more and more polluted with toxic fumes from cars. This, in turn, created an unhealthy atmosphere and caused many diseases that were previously unheard of. Car pollution also hurt the habitats of animals in the tropical rain forest and killed countless animals.</p>

<p>Finally, humanity has constantly strived to find ways of cutting down on work and increasing efficiency, but at what cost? Is big business worth more than our traditions and values? Is easier transportation worth more than our health and our environment? The answer is unequivocally no.</p>

2

<p>you're way to verbose. the vocabulary is artificial and the essay lacks flow. </p>

<p>These tests are about voice.....keep that in mind.</p>

<p>And please, please, don't start your essay with "throughout history" and don't conlcude with "finally" --- practice some more.</p>

3

<p>I don't see what's wrong with starting with "throughout history", someone else on another thread had an essay that started with that and got a 12...</p>

4

<p>hahahahaha I agree with cornell about the "Throughout history" thing.</p>

<p>My AP USH teacher actually implemented a policy that awarded automatic Fs on tests or papers in which that phrase, or anything similar, was used. It's just way too general lol</p>

<p>One time, at the end of the year, I turned in a hw assignment that started "Since the dawn of time . . . " just for fun lmao</p>

5

<p>and to bicycle kick...it's terrible for anyone who knows anything about real writing. Sure, it may've gotten a 12, but that's because the SAT essay doesn't want you to write well. It wants you write canned. 5 paragraphs + full 2 pages + a couple of examples = 12 lol</p>

6

<p>I know that's a bad beginning for an essay outside of the SAT, I took APUSH too (which i got a 5 in btw), but since we're talking about the SAT, critique the essay in the way the SAT scorers would, not in the way an APUSH or AP Lang teacher would...</p>

7

<p>ok fiiiiiiine.......lol</p>

<p>don't like "This is evident because" for a thesis statement. uber-weak sauce.</p>

<p>I also strongly dislike the ending "rhetorical question...rhetorical question....the answer is no"</p>

<p>On the whole, I don't even feel like you answered the question. What it's really looking for is something along the lines of "Well, the internet, cell phones, tv, etc make our lives EASIER, but as a result, we're becoming detached from the human community and we don't have as much personal connection with one another."</p>

8

<p>ok,</p>

<p>i appreciate the input, but...</p>

<p>i feel like you're trying to force your own details on it, sat essays can be answered in an infinite number of ways. You may answer it the context of the internet, cell phones, and tv, but i chose a different way. Regardless, they don't grade your essays on historical accuracy, but on the way you present your argument. </p>

<p>Thesis statement weak, fine thanks for the advice
Conclusion not satisfactory, ok thanks, i'll work on that</p>

9

<p>Ok, some thoughts:</p>

<ol>
<li>Your first two sentences say pretty much the exact same thing. Throughout history is a tad cliched but I guess it could work for the SAT.</li>
<li>The next two sentences for a solid thesis. good.</li>
<li>Don't start a paragraph with "moving on"</li>
<li>You need a sentence to wrap up paragraph 3</li>
<li>Remove Finally from your conclusion, it sounds weak and out of place. </li>
<li>Length seems a tad short, but your points in principle are solid. A third example would be a huge boost.</li>
</ol>

<p>I think that this essay would get something along the lines of 9-10.</p>

<p>EDIT: I wouldn't change your thesis, it's actually very clear and solid imo.</p>

10

<p>thank you lolcats, thats the kind of advice i was looking for, and btw, the essay almost filled up the whole 2 pages, only 5 lines were left</p>

11

<p>I wrote a page and got a 12...I'm not sure why you guys think that the way to do well on the SAT is to write "canned" </p>

<p>There's something to be said about good writing....</p>