help me out here on essay..

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>im an international student whos trying to get 10 on essay....can anyone grade my essay??</p>

<p>thanks..</p>

<p>topic:do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better??</p>

<p>The world has been changed rapidly for last tow centuries. Our technology level changed so quickly that it is not so rare to see father and son talk became hard. Technology sure helped make our lives easier. We human being had significant benefit from advanced technology, but that does not mean that i made our lives better. Automobile industry, credit card, and computer are instances that made our lives easier but not necessarily better.</p>

<p>Automobile is perhaps the greatest invention of early twentieth century. It advanced the way of transportation. Automobile also made personal vacation possible, which was a privilege of the aristocracy. However, even if car improved our transportation, it had some negative influence too. Automobile is leading cause of producing CO2, which is a part of greenhouse effect. even though car have improved our lives easier, it did not made our lives better.</p>

<p>Second, credit card became essential part of one's economy practice. One will not be able to survive without credit card. it made spending money easier.<br>
Spending money became so easier that many people can not seem to stop spend it. As a result of this spending habit, many young people, who did not have many financial experience, fell into debt. In the worst case, some young married couples declare bankruptcy and money became leading cause of divorce. Though credit card made financial transaction much easier than was previous generations, it did not actually made our lives better.</p>

<p>Last, more and more people are using computer nowadays, because of its convenience. Many people are able to take advantage of word processing and internet shopping. However, because of hackers, who try to steal individual's information, many people now lacks privacy. No one can say that their lives improved with loss of privacy.</p>

<p>In sum, our civilization benefits tremendously, but that does not necessarily means that our lives became better. Automobile industry causes pollution, credit card causes financial issues, and computer causes having private life infeasible. Changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better.</p>

<p>i know that my word selection is not as good but how is my essay in general. i try to find some literary or historic example, but i could not find any that related to this topic. do you guys think my essay is between 8~10 ranges??</p>

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<p>You made too many extreme statements. "One will not be able to survive without credit card." "No one can say that their lives improved with loss of privacy." Not only are these statements false, but they demolish all the credibility that your readers give you. </p>

<p>Overall, you should have explained more of the positive and negative effects of the automobile and the computer. Take the automobile.</p>

<p>Automobile:
-more vacation time
-jobs
-able to get to work
-more independence
-traffic
-congestion
-pollution</p>

<p>Also, the conclusion is simply bad. </p>

<p>I would have approached the essay by giving one change that does make our lives better, one change that makes our lives either worse or better (you decide!), one change that makes our lives worse, and then say that just because our lives are easier because of these changes doesn't mean that our lives are better. I think this is just clearer and more direct than naming a few benefits and a few downsides and then saying that the change does not necessarily make them better.</p>

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<p>O.K., a ten is hard for a lot of native English speakers. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, but don't get your hopes up. I corrected your essay below, but first listen to my advice. I'd give it a 7; one pessimistic scorer, one who is more optimistic.</p>

<p>I think that a 10 may be an unrealistic goal. I'm sure that you can get a 6, and get an 8 with a little work, but 9 or 10 would require some extra effort on your part. I'd personally advise hiring a tutor to help you improve at your grammar during essay writing...I'm not saying that you are dumb, but it's very hard to translate literally from another language (I have a lot of trouble translating to Italian from my native language of English!)</p>

<p>+Your concepts for the essay are great! All of your examples have had negative impacts.
-Your non-native English speaking is going to be a HUGE barrier for you. A lot of awkward grammar. You need to stay calm and improve phrasing that does not translate well. This is a definite problem, and you will lose a lot of points here.
-You make impossible assumptions: Not everyone suffers credit card debt, not everyone gets their identity stolen. At one point, only the aristocrats could afford to go on vacation in automobiles, etc.
-Your conclusion is a little short.
If I add/remove/change words, they will be purple.</p>

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<p>Examples are good, phrasing is extremely awkward. As far as literary examples, you could cite "I, Robot" by Asimov (super intelligent robots don't make our lives extremely easy), or "The Giver" by Lois Lowry (the same technology that makes life "perfect" also takes away its redeeming qualities).</p>

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<p>Hey coopjust, could you also provide an assessment for one of my essays? (I´m a student from Germany)? Thanks!!</p>

<p>Assignment: Is censorship sometimes justified?</p>

<p>After hundreds of years of fights by brave and progressive men and women for pluralism and freedom of expression we are asked to allow censorship to be truly justified. Shall we give the allowance? Is censorship deterring us from expressing our opinions freely? And if yes, to which extent may it be justified?
I hold the view that it may be warranted if the cause of censoring is the protection of individual human beings and the well being of society as a whole. If reason and common sense yield facts for an injurious effect of a certain published media then I espouse its censorship. Violent computer games like Doom 3 are very good examples: A game that discloses bloody, limb-throwing action levels that will definitely have a bad influence on individuals are to be censored because of their ability to blunt the emotional perception of the gamers. It is revealed by scientific research that those games are going to have such an effect on people playing them. By censoring those bloody details you can work against the impact of bad influence the games may have.
However, I have to state that censorship is only justifiable to some extent. Countries like Iran provide evidence that censorship can also have a very bad influence on people and their security. In Iran all published information is filtered by the government assuring that there won’t be anything divulged that could defame the reputation of the state. That kind of censorship is not going to protect anyone but the governors themselves; moreover it is a restriction of freedom of expression, which is essential for a working community. Thus censorship to such an extent is a disadvantage for society.
Ultimately it may be concluded that the justification of censorship depends on its extent to which it is conducted.</p>

<p>It´s kinda short because I really tried to stick to the 25 minutes.
Looking forward to tips and evaluations.</p>

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<p>thank you very much....guys...</p>