<p>My wife's sister has two daughters. Last year the older one attended an out of state, non-accredited bible college. The younger one will be joining her there this fall. Their parents oppose their decisions and want to make it as difficult as possible for them.</p>
<p>Last year we gave the older one about $1,500 over the course of the year for spending money and to help her fly home for christmas. We had intended to help them both this year as well.</p>
<p>My wife's sister has specifically asked us not to give them any money. My wife believes that since both of her nieces are over 18 whatever we do is between us and them. One the one had, I believe everyone finds their own path in life and if this is what they want to do then so be it. On the other hand, I would not be happy of a friend or relative gave our son support to do something I didn't agree with.</p>
<p>What would you do, help the girls out or not?</p>
<p>“My wife’s sister has specifically asked us not to give them any money”</p>
<p>^How would you feel if you specifically asked your own sister/brother not to give your child money, yet your sister/brother went behind your back and did exactly what you asked her/him not to do?</p>
<p>Ask yourself why you are going behind their backs and doing exactly what the parents of these kids asked you not to do. Is it because you want them to remain at a non-accredited bible college? Is it because you disagree with the parents on religious views? Are you really giving the money to these kids to help them or are you giving the money as a back-handed slap at the parents?</p>
<p>Unless these kids are going hungry without your contribution, you should respect the parents and stop giving THEIR kids the money.</p>
<p>Do you really want to risk creating a permanent rift in your relationship with your sister over this? The girls are probably well aware that they are on their own. I would say just offer moral support and encouraging words. They may need a “home” to come home to if their relationship with their parents deteriorates.</p>
<p>This is a very tough situation and I am sorry you are in the middle. It is quite clear that you and your wife love your nieces and want the best for them. However, in this situation, I don’t think I would go against the wishes of the parents. I am sure they have good reasons for not supporting their daughter’s choices and for you to enable them against their parents wishes would not be wise. I would respect the parents wishes and offer your support in other ways.</p>
<p>Respect the parents wishes and don’t give cash/checks. Sent gift cards for a local grocery store or for a dinners out, or for Starbucks, Target etc. You can show your love with things that they need or would use at whatever college they attended. But money for flights home is specifically enabling them to attend and be able to go home, and your wife’s sister asked you not to. You can show love at birthdays and Christmas with money “directed” at certain things that would not dishonor your sister-in-law’s wishes.</p>
<p>I’m kind of against the mainstream view on here. I think the monetary situation is between you and your nieces. But, you need to be aware that you may be creating a rift between your family and you wife’s sister’s family. You need to make a decision you can live with. I can ask a relative not to give my kids money. But, nothing much I can do to stop them giving money if they chose to.</p>
<p>I agree with SunnyFla- I would send gift cards for local grocery stores, restaurants, etc., but no cash. I would not buy airline tickets or send cash for them either. On birthdays and Christmas, I would send an appropriate cash gift, unless that has also been forbidden. I am also curious- who is paying for their school?</p>
<p>But it isn’t like you are supporting their crack cocaine habit here! While the college may not be what the parents would choose, at least they are attending college. I would send gift cards as sunnyflorida suggested and feel free to give them cash as Christmas/birthday/whatever holiday you want to celebrate gifts. I would not flaunt what I was doing to my SIL but I would continue to offer my love and support to my nieces.</p>
<p>I have always helped out my nieces. They have been ‘unfortunate’ in their situation, and I’ve done things from buy school clothes to help with rent and food. (They’re adults now, so don’t really need help anymore). I’m glad I did it. My sister knew about the school clothes, have no idea if she knows about any of the other. We don’t ‘visit’.</p>
<p>You know THEIR situation, do what you think is best for them. In my situation, their parents didn’t always know best. :)</p>
<p>I have a friend whose sibling and spouse became an Islamic extremists with very close ties to famous terrorists. (Really. I know it sounds unbelievable, but it’s true.) Eventually, the oldest child left the family and went to college, completely against their wishes. I believe that they wished her to remain in the home and eventually enter into marriage with a Muslim man of their choosing. (She may have had to become an emancipated minor to do this.) Anyway, my friend and spouse supported her with monetary gifts and general moral support, including giving her a place to come to when needed.</p>
<p>I doubt that any of us would disapprove of their acting in such a manner. But isn’t the principle the same? Or isn’t it?</p>
<p>From the OP, it sounds as though the nieces’ parents are trying to punish their adult children for a decision with which the parents disagree–if you don’t choose the college of our choice, we’ll cut you off, and make sure all the relatives cut you off, too. If this is the case, I’m not sure I would support the parents.</p>
<p>Some people have written that they would support the parents because otherwise there will be a family rift. This ignores the fact that there is already a family rift if the parents are trying to make the relatives choose between the parents and the daughters.</p>
<p>Here’s my question: would you normally have provided financial assistance to the young women regardless of their college choice?</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with supporting your nieces while they are college students with gifts cards and surprises or giving them a safe place to vent when they visit. They are lucky to have an Aunt and Uncle that dote on them.</p>
<p>Be careful though that you are not undermining the parents with money and gifts that go above and beyond what is appropriate. I think there is probably more to the story, but if the parents are trying to teach a certain lesson or encouraging independence then your generosity may be construed as meddling.</p>
<p>We have a similar situation with my son and his girlfriend’s family buying him plane tickets, taking him off campus without our knowledge and finding him summer employment so he can be near their daughter. Never once has this family called us to see what we thought about it because in their opinion he is 19 and can make his own decisions. We do not agree and it has caused a huge rift in our relationship with our son.</p>
<p>Your intentions may be good but be aware that through your actions you could be damaging not only your relationship with your sister, but also your nieces’ relationships with their parents if there is secrecy or dishonesty. Barring an abusive or neglect situation I would not usurp your sister’s authority. You could be starting a war in your own family.</p>
<p>If the college is non-accredited, I can understand why the parents don’t want their daughters to attend.</p>
<p>One of my nieces went out of state to attend one of these schools without her parents’ financial support, and after she graduated she got a rude awakening. Nobody would hire her based upon her non-accredited degree. She ended up getting a clerical job that she could have gotten right out of high school. The only difference being that she still has huge college loans to pay for her worthless degree.</p>
<p>Never come between a child and his or her parents. Never come between a husband and a wife. Never come between siblings. Never say never - because if there is physical danger involved of course you have to intervene.
Assuming there is no physical danger, this situation has too many “betweens” and the best thing is to stay out of it completely.
Your sister sounds like she is the one who needs the most support here. I would suggest that you be there for her.</p>