<p>posted by starbright: “It’s your money, the kids are independent adults.”</p>
<p>Obviously, they are not independent adults. If they were independent, they would not be accepting money from others in order to finance their personal expenses. They would be working jobs to finance their own personal expenses. </p>
<p>I still feel that the OP should respect the parents and not offer money to the girls. The girls obviously made their decision knowing that the parents were not on board with the idea. They understood what the consequences would be (financial) and still made the choice to attend the unaccredited college. Now, let them deal with the lack of funds and let them take on the responsibility for their life choices. If their choice means not being able to afford certain things, then let them accept and deal with the consequence of their decision. </p>
<p>Don’t view this as punishment for their actions. Rather, view this as a learning tool for the girls to take full responsibility for their choices and to accept the consequences of their decisions and actions. This is a necessary life skill that’s best learned now rather than later.</p>
<p>There’s always holidays (Christmas, I presume, given the Bible school?) and birthdays. I know I always ask for money and things I know I need such as winter boots or apartment items for my birthday and Christmas gifts, so if they receive it as a special occasion gift, is that going to be viewed as a “violation” by your wife’s family?</p>
It’s possible to be independent and still accept a gift of a plane ticket or money. I am independent but when I fly to Fla to visit my dad he happily pays my air fare. I run a tight budget and he his happy to help.</p>
<p>nysmile - what if the girls had chosen a life style with which you agree? would you feel the same way?</p>
<p>For instance - say the girls’ parents told them they should not join the military but enlisted anyway. The parents are anti-military - would the OP be wrong to send them a few bucks to get home on leave?</p>
<p>I think most people are objecting because they object to the lifestyle the girls have chosen.</p>
<p>I don’t have a problem with the lifestyle the girls have chosen. I think the sister should move on and accept her Ds’ religious situation.</p>
<p>I feel that in a different situation–for example, if one of my kids were on drugs–I would not be happy to know that a relative was supporting her monetarily if I thought that her doing so would exacerbate the situation. So, I would not support a blanket “They’re adults; you’re an adult–do what you want to do” policy.</p>
<p>“nysmile - what if the girls had chosen a life style with which you agree? would you feel the same way?”</p>
<p>Yes, I would feel the same way. I’m not basing my posts on my personal opinion as to whether their college choice is right or wrong. It’s their choice to make. However, with every choice in life there are consequences. The girls were aware of the consequences (financial) when they made their choice. Now, it’s time for them to deal with the consequences of their choice. If that means struggling financially, so be it. It is a lesson they will only learn if they are left to deal with it independently (without additional “secret” money being given to them by someone other than their parents).</p>
<p>OK–You intend to tell your BIL about future money that your wife plans on giving the girls (even though she has been asked not give money).</p>
<p>swdad1: I read your original Post #1 as meaning that you gave one niece $1500 and even though the parents specifically asked that their daughters not be given money, you were planning on continuing with the money gifts with niece number 2 who plans on attending the same college. Perhaps I misunderstood the situation. </p>
<p>You asked us what we would do if in your situation. Many on CC have given their answer to the question.</p>
<p>You admitted:</p>
<p>“I would not be happy of a friend or relative gave our son support to do something I didn’t agree with.”</p>
<p>Perhaps you have answered your own question. On the other hand, if you and your wife are passionate about continuing to give monetary gifts, you should consider informing BOTH parents–not just the BIL. </p>
<p>Different people have different perspectives. What one person feels is right may not be the same as what someone else feels is right. Do what you feel is the right thing to do.</p>