Review My Essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

I just took my 3rd practice SAT, and would like some constructive criticism regarding my latest essay:

" Yes, knowledge can occasionally be deletorious. Sometimes, information may be hidden for the safty of others; divulging it might be harmful the bearer of it. Sometimes a peacful oblivion is preemtive to a dire reality. Epitomes of this delineate this throughout American Literature.

Classic American Novel, 1984 exemplifies how the obtaination of information can be counter intuitively harmful. 1984 takes place in a hypothetical world of comunist domination; an outcome pervasively feared during the Cold War. In it, Winston, a citizen of a totaltarian government, avidly hates the current government and theorizes how he could terminate it. Subsequently, he discovers the Brotherhood, a furtive organization that attemps to thwart the government. But this suposed group was utterly spurious; in fact, it was a ploy of the thought police. The thought police was an infamous organization that was tasked with divulging, and torchering any non-partisans of the government. Winston then, with the deletorious knowledge, was descovered and torcherd.

Many forms of intelligence can be torcherous, including that of American Novel, a Brave New World. It describes a nascent, courupt, and technologically advanced world were all humans are grown, raised, and conditioned in science labs. It obtains total peice and equanimity by predesing everyone and making them content with it. Tonto, a native American, soon discovers this society and is forced to join it. As he learns about its dire couruption he becomes further and further depressed: in this world, people are unloyal to sexual partners. He eventually comittes suicide; he knew to much.

Intelligence, when divulged, can, but not always be, dire and sychologically harmful. In 1984, a well regarded novel, Winston is torched for his thoughts and knowledge of the Brotherhood. Tonto, an inocent native American, meets a suicidal destiny for his ascertation of a corrupt society. As substantiated, intellectual property can often be unexpectedly selfdestructive."

The prompt was as follows: “Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit? Plan and write an essay in which…”

2

hello

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Right off the bat, I can see you already misspelled “safety” as “safty.” These little spelling errors can be the defining line between your score. There’s some incorrect grammar structure and transitions in there, too. I just searched up “obtaination” on Merrian Webster Dictionary - there is no such word. Torture and tortured are both spelled incorrectly multiple times in different formats. It should be “peace” instead of “piece”, which I consider to be an elementary mistake. Most importantly of all, you use the word “deleterious” frequently, but always misspell it as “deletorious”.

Overall, I would say there’s a multitude of grammar and spelling mistakes that downsizes the quality of your essay. A lack of reasoning also makes the essay one-dimensional as there is plenty of evidence but not enough reasoning for an average person to comprehend. I personally think there is not sufficient content in this essay, but given that I didn’t have your prompt, I cannot make that assumption. You use a variety of vocabulary, which I like, and your content overall makes sense.

I give this essay a 6 out of 12.

4

Focus more on getting your point across rather than filling it with a bunch of “big” words (some of which you misspelled, as Zypker124 pointed out). You have many spelling and grammatical errors, incorrect usage of words, and your points aren’t really getting across in your paragraphs. I’d give this a 5 or 6.

The point of writing is to communicate. Writing is a form of communication. This means that your primary goal is to COMMUNICATE YOUR ARGUMENT COHERENTLY AND EFFICIENTLY. It is NOT to use as many big words as you can think of, or create pseudo-poetic sentence structure. You need to have a watertight structure that is the backbone or skeleton of the essay. Once you have this, THEN you can add fancy words and literary styles.

An essay is like a house. If you are building a house, you must first build a stable foundation before you can begin adding fancy drapes and chandeliers. Otherwise, if you have a weak foundation, all your drapes and chandeliers will be pointless because they will quickly collapse on themselves.

Here is a post I wrote about writing an essay: http://straightatutoring.com/how-to-write-an-essay-if-youre-better-at-math/

5

I already know about all of the spelling errors (I know how to correctly spell all of the words I used, but things change when I’m rushing so much); I’d like you to tell me something I don’t know. And could you further elaborate on what you mentioned in your second paragraph. Could you also point out specific examples of “incorrect grammar structure and transitions”. Thanks.

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Could you further explain how I am not communicating my argument coherently and efficiently?

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And yes, I know I missed a few question marks in one of my replies.

8

PLEASE don’t start your essay with “yes.”

And as many, many people here have warned, it’s an incredibly BAD idea to post your essay for the world to see.

“epitomes of this delineate this”??? Really?? What exactly are you trying to say?

THE “Classic American Novel, 1984 COMMA exemplifies how the obtaination (NOT A WORD) of information can be counter intuitively harmful.” (counterintuitive is one word.)

OK, I’ll stop now. I agree that you seem so busy cramming big words into your essay that you lose any sense of heart. Why not make this an essay that could only have been written by you, not by anyone who had ever read 1984??

There are so many real life instances where knowledge can be a burden. I’m not sure why you had to resort to a fictional example.

9

“Can you further explain how I’m not communicating my argument coherently and efficiently?”

You don’t have a clear thesis statement that states your argument. I will use the second paragraph as an example, since you have the same problems in the rest of the essay.

The first sentence of the second paragraph is: “Classic American Novel, 1984 exemplifies how the obtaination of information can be counter intuitively harmful.”
As someone else pointed out, “obtaination” is not a word. I assume you mean to say that “1984” is an example of how obtaining information can be harmful.

Following sentences of the second paragraph are: “1984 takes place in a hypothetical world of comunist domination; an outcome pervasively feared during the Cold War. In it, Winston, a citizen of a totaltarian government, avidly hates the current government and theorizes how he could terminate it. Subsequently, he discovers the Brotherhood, a furtive organization that attemps to thwart the government. But this suposed group was utterly spurious; in fact, it was a ploy of the thought police. The thought police was an infamous organization that was tasked with divulging, and torchering any non-partisans of the government. Winston then, with the deletorious knowledge, was descovered and torchere.”

You do not explain this in the following sentences of the paragraph, Instead, you summarize the novel, and only at the end you mention that Winston was “discovered” (should be discovered) and torcherd (I am not sure what you are trying to say here… perhaps you meant tortured?)" and that he had some “deletorious information” (A)should be deleterious; B) also poor word choice; C) even if you did decide to keep this particular adjective, you must explain to us WHY the information was deleterious).

So, the remaining part of the paragraph does tie back into the topic sentence; i.e. Nothing you say in the paragraph gives examples, logical arguments, or evidence that the novel 1984 exemplifies how obtaining knowledge can be harmful.

Instead trying to come up with fancy words, focus on building an airtight argument.

  • By the way, 1984 was written by George Orwell, who was British, so it's inaccurate to call it an American novel.

Example:

Thesis Statement: Knowledge can sometimes be harmful.

Topic Sentence Paragraph 1: The classic novel 1984, written by George Orwell, illustrates how having too much knowledge can be disastrous to one’s well-being.
Evidence 1: In the novel, the main character, Winston obtains knowledge that he thinks will allow him to usurp the government, only to find out too late that this knowledge was a trap.

Supporting Sentences: Winston lives in a totalitarian nation, where the government controls every aspect of its citizens’ lives. In order to get out of the government’s grape, he must acquire and use knowledge that will allow him to escape the system. He becomes involved in a “secret” organization called the Brotherhood, that is supposedly antigovernment. The organization provides him with certain “facts,” making him think that he has inside knowledge on how to overturn the government. However, the Brotherhood is actually a government spy organization that is used to entrap individuals precisely like Winston, and leads to his downfall.
Conclusion to Paragraph 1: 1984 illustrates how just gaining knowledge is not enough; one must determine the source of the knowledge, assess its validity, and know how to use it appropriately. The more Winston knew, the deeper he had become entangled in the government’s web.

10

“Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit? Plan and write an essay in which…”

I once read an essay by a high school senior who knew the meaning of oh, SO MANY “SAT words.” It became a burden because he/she was determined to use each and every one of those words. Instead of a readable, enjoyable essay, it became an exercise similar to reading the dictionary, with the meaning of the essay getting lost in the vocabulary.

You could actually have a lot of fun with this topic if you chose, using self depreciating humor to make your point. People who attempt to flaunt their vocabulary seldom get the effect they were hoping for.

Oh, and for the record, it’s Psychological, not “sychologically”

Good luck!

11

Great example, and very salient! :wink: