Grade My Essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Please grade a feeble attempt on the SAT essay section. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! :)</p>

<p>Blue Book Practice Test #1
Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit?</p>

<p>Knowledge is power. We owe man's greatest triumphs to the ability to manipulate knowledge for the greater good. It is for this reason that rather than a burden, knowledge is a blessing.</p>

<p>Edward Jenner's discovery of the cure to smallpox demonstrates how knowledge played a monumental role in the health of millions. In the 18th century, smallpox was the leading cause of death in Europe. Jenner used the knowledge that he acquired from studying the illness of a milkmaid and comparing her symptoms to those suffered from a smallpox illness. Through trial and error, he was able to create a vaccine that eradicated one of the worst epidemics in world history.</p>

<p>Knowledge in the form of education has been the saving grace if today's most distinguished individuals. Ben Carson's unconditional zest for knowledge paved way for his success as a world renowned neurosurgeon. He used his knowledge as a weapon to combat the temptations that young black men faced growing up on the inner city streets. He beat the odds when he was accepted into medical school and began to make a better life for himself. Knowledge played a key role in his successful separation of twins conjoined at the head. This was the first surgery of its kind and would be used to save millions of lives in the future. </p>

<p>Frederick Douglass is one of the most celebrated figures in African American history. His ability to read and write was the primary source of his success. Douglass's pervasive knowledge of slave life coupled with his eloquent way with words attracted thousands of people to come hear him speak. His work, along with other abolitionists', would contribute ineffably to the freeing of slaves.</p>

<p>Evidence from history demonstrates that knowledge is not a burden, but indeed, a blessing. In fact, it engenders the scientific and social victories that significantly impact our lives today.</p>

2

<p>Bump please</p>

3

<p>Bump again?</p>

4

<p>hey basic, I’m going to grade it, but I was busy last night, and I have a international flight today. Give me until monday :P</p>

5

<p>Is it a good idea to begin the essay with a quote or cliche like “Knowledge is power”?</p>

6

<p>@Lipp No probs!</p>

<p>Yes! And I cringed at the realization after typing it in on CC. To make it even worse it was the first sentence in the assignment part.
I saw the word knowledge and that was the first thing that came me. I guess it was just a rudimentary thought</p>

7

<p>My Review:</p>

<p>First and foremost, your introduction is weak. While it is adequate if your aiming for a score of 3-4, this introduction needs to be strengthened if you want to hit 5-6. </p>

<p>So what’s weak about it? glad you asked…</p>

<p>Firstly, “Knowledge is power.”, while you clearly show your stance on the subject, this is a weak usage of an assertive statement. I think you need to blend this into your a bigger sentence. (I will give an example below) and (as I think someone else mentioned) I would stray away from using cliches. </p>

<p>Secondly, “We owe man’s greatest triumphs to the ability to manipulate knowledge for the greater good”. What are man’s greatest triumphs? Well, in this case, you used Edward Jenner’s discovery, Ben Carson’s Zest, Frederick Douglass’s success - So why not introduce these examples instead.</p>

<p>Lastly, “It is for this reason that rather than a burden, knowledge is a blessing.” is a weak “why” portion of your thesis. You need to use stronger verbs in lieu of “is” - this will lead to a much stronger argument. </p>

<p>So how would I rephrase your thesis/introduction to make it much stronger? glad you asked again…</p>

<p>Introduction:
(Begin with an optional hook - not really needed or required for the SAT, but can be very effective in grabbing your readers attention if done nicely. WARNING - do not spend more than 30 seconds thinking of one because it will start to eat away the time you have to do your full essay) Ever wonder why we hold individuals like Einstein in such high regard? Or why ivy league graduates can earn much more money than their non-ivy counterparts? The fact that both questions can be answered with “knowledge” is no coincidence. </p>

<p>(now thesis)
As shown by Edward Jenner, Ben Carson, Frederick Douglass(notice I introduce my topics), knowledge proves to be beneficial to oneself and perhaps even others because many of man’s greatest triumphs stem from having knowledgable backgrounds. </p>

<p>Combined:
“Ever wonder why we hold individuals like Einstein in such high regard? Or why ivy league graduates can earn much more money than their non-ivy counterparts? The fact that both questions can be answered with “knowledge” is no coincidence. As shown by Edward Jenner, Ben Carson, Frederick Douglass, knowledge proves to be beneficial to oneself and perhaps even others because many of man’s greatest triumphs stem from having knowledgable backgrounds.”</p>

<p>A few pointers:</p>

<p>1) Words like “is” are weak; try to avoid them if you can. Often, they can be replaced by stronger words like “proves/shows/illustrates/exemplifies/etc” However, do not replace is if the resulting sentence would sound awkward, or if you are unsure about word usage. Always make sure that if you replace is, the sentence remains coherent.</p>

<p>2) Introduce your subtopics. You don’t even need to be very specific, just their name or maybe even less (but not too little, of course). </p>

<p>3) Flow is very important. If a reader has trouble reading your essay, it would probably result a much lower grade, even if you wrote a beautiful intro. I don’t really know how to explain how to make something flow.</p>

<p>4) Remember that your thesis needs Cause and Effect. Because of (this and this), Knowledge is (this)</p>

<hr>

<p>Now onto the main portion of your essay. From a cursory reading, I find that your points are thinly developed. You need to show and display, coherently of course, much more analysis.</p>

<p>By analysis, I mean sentences like these:</p>

<p>“Ben Carson’s unconditional zest for knowledge paved way for his success as a world renowned neurosurgeon”</p>

<p>and</p>

<p>“Knowledge played a key role in his successful separation of twins conjoined at the head”.</p>

<p>Furthermore, you have, again, shown (perhaps unknowingly) some sentence variation. I would be careful though. In one of the paragraphs, you use the same sentence structure almost always.
E.G</p>

<p>“His work” “His competence”…“His knowledge”
or
“He (Verb)”</p>

<p>To get that coveted six, you need to demonstrate that you are the master of sentence variation and are able to use “meaningful variation”. For example, when you are emphasizing a single point - Use a short sentence, when you are tying two ideas together, use a compound/complex sentence. HOWEVER Don’t over think this, because you are already using sentence variation, but occasionally, you repeat the same sentence structure and it can become a pain to read. So really my advice here would just watch out for repetitiveness. </p>

<p>This essay is generally free of major grammar mistakes. </p>

<p>This essay is nicely organized. (Intro, 3 Subtopics, Conc.)</p>

<p>I really liked your conclusion. It was concise, summed up your subtopics and tied everything back to your thesis. </p>

<p>I’d give this essay an 8-9, with slim possibility of an 10 if I were in a really good mood. (Final verdict: 9/12 or 4/6)</p>

8

<p>This essay is a textbook 3.</p>

<p>If you’d like more details you can always PM me, but for now let me give you the general breakdown:</p>

<p>STRUCTURE:
—You’ve answered the question (albeit in the most basic way).
—However, you’ve told me almost nothing that I couldn’t have found out online.
—Too frequently you repeat yourself.
—The evidence is satisfactory but you need to analyze it.
—The entire paper is fact-heavy.</p>

<p>VOCABULARY:
—There’s at least one cliche in every paragraph except the conclusion.
—You do use a couple of “smart” words effectively.
—Also, though, there are some pretty empty words.</p>

<p>GRAMMAR AND USAGE
—Lots of sentences follow the same syntactical map.
—I see no blatant errors but no successful risks either.</p>

<p>In short the mechanics are average or slightly above average and the content is considerably below college-ready level. Content counts at least twice as much as mechanics.</p>

<p>None of this is meant to be hurtful. As I always tell my students/clients, you are NOT your essay. However, to misrepresent this would be more harmful than the truth.</p>

9

<p>^^ Disagree. </p>

<p>According to the Collegeboard, a ‘textbook’ three essay must have one or more of the following:</p>

<p>*Develops a point of view on the issue, demonstrating some critical thinking, but may do so inconsistently or use inadequate examples, reasons or other evidence to support its position
–basics2015 essay Develops a clear point of view
– demonstrates critical reading quite consistently, using adequate examples to support his position</p>

<p>*Is limited in its organization or focus, or may demonstrate some lapses in coherence or progression of ideas
– his essay is organized and focused.
– occasional lapse in coherence</p>

<p>*Displays developing facility in the use of language, but sometimes uses weak vocabulary or inappropriate word choice
– displays general facility
– uses adequate vocabulary
– no inappropriate word choice</p>

<p>*Lacks variety or demonstrates problems in sentence structure
– Has variety - although occasionally lapsing. </p>

<p>*Contains an accumulation of errors in grammar, usage and mechanics
– generally free of major grammatical errors.</p>

<hr>

<h2>Typical 4:</h2>

<p>An essay in this category demonstrates adequate mastery, although it has lapses in quality. A typical essay:</p>

<p>Develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates competent critical thinking, using adequate examples, reasons and other evidence to support its position</p>

<p>Is generally organized and focused, demonstrating some coherence and progression of ideas</p>

<p>Exhibits adequate but inconsistent facility in the use of language, using generally appropriate vocabulary</p>

<p>Demonstrates some variety in sentence structure</p>

<p>Has some errors in grammar, usage and mechanics</p>

<hr>

<p>His essay is more like 4/6 than 3/6. If anything, his essay is a textbook 4.</p>

10

<p>For the sake of the kid, I wish that your rosy interpretation of the rubric were correct. Over ten years sitting of in those rooms leads me to conclude with utter certainty that it isn’t.</p>

11

<p>I didn’t give a rosy interpretation of the rubric…what I gave were the guidelines provided by the College board, showing specifically “How the Essay Is Scored”</p>

<p>See more here:
[SAT</a> Essay Scoring - How SAT Essays Are Scored](<a href=“The SAT – SAT Suite | College Board”>Understanding SAT Scores – SAT Suite | College Board)</p>

<p>I don’t know where you’ve been sitting for those ten years, but it must not of had internet because anyone can google “SAT essay scoring guide” and see that what I gave was as close to the actual rubric as one could get.</p>

<p>–edit</p>

<p>oh and this.
[SAT</a> Reasoning Test - Essay Scoring Guide](<a href=“http://professionals.collegeboard.com/portal/site/Professionals/menuitem.b6b1a9bc0c5615493883234011a161ca/?vgnextoid=7b0dcf9a10494110vcm-02000000aaa514acRCRD&vgnextchannel=582d751172814110VgnVCM200000121a16acRCRD&vgnextfmt=print]SAT”>http://professionals.collegeboard.com/portal/site/Professionals/menuitem.b6b1a9bc0c5615493883234011a161ca/?vgnextoid=7b0dcf9a10494110vcm-02000000aaa514acRCRD&vgnextchannel=582d751172814110VgnVCM200000121a16acRCRD&vgnextfmt=print)
what’s written in bold is especially important.</p>