Revival of Middle Class Black Posters

Parents Forum
641

<p>I haven't read all the responses yet, but could I have you beat? My 15 y.o. son was sporting a 1.2 GPA on his progress report last week.....I don't know where to start, but we have been dealing with stuff for a long time, and I'm a fan of incentives (vs. punishments...I think it's more than semantics but the idea is similar.) Anyway, he got a 98 on his bio test a few days ago, and the gpa is upt to 2.6 mow, with a little more surveillance on parents part. LOTS of time playing and reffing soccer. "Diagnosed" and on meds since 4 y.o. ,BTW.</p>

<p>Northstarmom, you know I hold on to your stories, don't you?</p>

642

<p>You guys are so helpful! I feel better just knowing I'm not alone. Since I took away the game controllers, he's not rushing through his homework because there's no way to play a game. But that means I spent 90 minutes with him on the biology project last night. (I'm not doing it for him; just helping him get organized and figure out what he needs. For Pete's sake the teacher gave them three recommended Web sites! It's like an open book test.)
Shrinkrap, thanks. Northstarmom. I wish I saw any sign of perfectionism in him. I do see shome shyness. I told him he has to join Key Club if he can't find anything else he likes. Milkandsug and prefect, I'm so glad for your feedback. I felt the tension leaving my neck as I read your responses. I guess you all would agree with me that these kids were not nurtured any differently; they're different in nature from their high-achieving siblings.</p>

643

<p>By the way, Mamaof1, you mentioned skull shirts. I told my kids I didn't want them wearing clothes with skulls on them. I couldn't really explain why when they asked me. What are your thoughts?</p>

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<p>One of my sons first "getting in troubles" this year was for a skull on his pants. One of the dress-code rules at his school, presumably because of some satanic or afterlife connotation.</p>

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<p>That seems a bit overboard, not allowing a skull on a shirt.</p>

646

<p>(With regards to skull shirts) I did not like them for my very own religious reasons, but he is a pretty good kid, (until the teen spirit hit), so I caved in. I chose the shirts, (3 of them). I told him I would only choose "happy" looking skulls, (I know, but this is how I dealt with it). Anyway, he was wearing them much too much for my taste, and then on picture day he wanted to sport one. I told him "NO." I escorted him to his room and picked out a more appropriate shirt. Well, this is the reason I mentioned skull shirts here: School pics came in on yesterday, and lo and behold, there was the very same skull shirt I told him to take off, poking out from under the very nice polo shirt I insisted he wear. Bottom line, he was told that skull shirts were a privilege in our house. They were confiscated, all 3 of them, and the next time he gets one, (I went ol' skool here), he would be a grown man. (period). </p>

<p>So, my word to you, Texasmama, is if you cave in, but like me, you feel funny about it, then make sure he knows it's a privilege.</p>

647

<p>You guys really seem to go overboard with this. It is just a shirt. You kid is going to do what ahe wants when he leaves off for college. Better to let him do his own thing now and make sure he isnt messing up his life than to literally tell him what to wear and then act shocked when he goes crazy in college.</p>

648

<p>It is not a bit overboard, and in some areas it is not just a shirt. Some skulls decals are being used as an innocuous way (to those who think it is just a shirt) for different gang affiliation (yes, we know, that gangs are in other places, which is more wide spread than people fail to realize).</p>

649

<p>It is just a shirt. My Daughter who is a brainiac and an alternative type kid loves those shirts. It means nothing to the average kid. Just a statement of individuality and anti-convention.</p>

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<p>My D has a skull shirt that she regularly (thoguh not frequently) wears to school. I think it's harmless. But I can certainly see where it could pose problems of which she might be unaward. I trust individual parents to know whether the skulls are just an average kid expressing him/herself or whether they suggest gang affiliation.</p>

651

<p>Yes, it's just a shirt - for some, but not everyone. This is one of those things that resides within each family's particular domain to decide on for themselves. </p>

<p>I can relate to Mamaof1 because I have enforced many rules, codes of conduct, manner of dress, speech, and overall decorum that others might consider over the top. I remember people suggesting we were too strict and too regimented. I disagreed then, and still disagree now. </p>

<p>Kids are not Chia Pets that just grow on their own after you add water. They have to be raised, taught values, and inculcated with a library of priciples to help ensure they become capable, functional, and meaningul contributors to society. As their parent, that is my job. Sure, we can be friends and friendly as circumstances might permit. But I"ve always believed in being a parent first -- I have my own friends. </p>

<p>Now, If that means I believe walking around with skulls or some of the other popular fashions is distasteful, guess what? They won't be wearing it. Period. No exceptions. I could care less what other families do, or what they think about my methods, or whether or not my kids agree. I am sensitive to the social climate we live in, but that does not determine the decisions we make. Popular culture is a poor guidebook for parenthood.</p>

<p>In fairness, I will always fully explain my position and talk to them rationally about why I think a certain way. I will give examples, and give them a chance to express their views. Sometimes they make a good point and we might compromise. I might even change my mind, albeit rarely. I don't just dismiss them with "because I said so." But there is never any ambiguity on where I stand. However, I am a big believer in positive reinforcement, and once my kids get with the program, they are treated royally. </p>

<p>I most certainly do not relax my principles out of fear of them going "wild" one day for lack of priviledges at home. I think that is absolutely ridiculous. People who say things like that don't know what they're talking about. It's just a matter of balance and consistency. And frankly, what they do as adults will be up to them. All I can do is raise them to the very best of my ability and train them how to make and evaluate their own decisions. I'm comfortable with that. </p>

<p>That said Mamaof1, I say get rid of the shirts. You don't need to be more permissive than you are comfortable with just because others let their kids do whatever they want. Be balnanced, but set the standards you think are important. That's my opinion.</p>

652

<p>But how do skull shirts hurt anyone at all? Of course parents need to set guidelines and have principles, but this just seems like an overbearing mom telling her kid what to wear based on her personal tastes. Skulls as a gang sign? First i have never heard of any gang where a skull is their major symbol. Secondly, Blue and Red are used as gang signs, so are Smiley Faces. Besides, if you really think your kid is affiliated with a gang, you have alot bigger problems than what he wears. That is an absurd argument. Unless you kid is wearing cloths with profanity or something that might offend someone i really don't see why you are telling him what to wear. You have to raise a child, not micromanage his life.</p>

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<p>Even if skulls don't hurt anyone, whether or not to let kids wear them is a parent's choice. I recall one mom in our circle who wouldn't allow her 8th grader to wear shorts/pants w/ writing on the butt; another permited writting only if it's a school, city, state or country name (souvenirs). I had a similar rule (school/city/state) for D1, but no rule for D2. Different families, different rules. Or in our case, different kid different rule.</p>

654

<p>Jeez you guys are way strict. Glad my parents aren't like that.</p>

655

<p>that much fuss over a shirt...wonder what's to happen when yall disagree about something that actually matters lol</p>

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<p>Oh, Jamos5, it actually mattered that he did not follow my directions. "No, you cannot wear the skull shirt for school picture day. This is the shirt I want you to wear." He defied my instructions. Remember, I purchased him 3 skull shirts, and only thought that he was wearing them too much, but never asked that he not wear them, except for picture day. </p>

<p>*My rule is final. The skull shirt was a privilege. No more skull shirts.</p>

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<p><strong>It's just a matter of balance and consistency. And frankly, what they do as adults will be up to them. All I can do is raise them to the very best of my ability and train them how to make and evaluate their own decisions. I'm comfortable with that.</strong></p>

<p>My sentiments exactly FLVADAD! I don't make that much of a fuss over clothes, but skulls are dark and macabre to me.</p>

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<p>Thank you FLVADAD for the support here. We all have rules for our children, and the reason we have certain rules fit our particular lifestyle. These were his first high school pics and I wanted to share them with family members, (many who would not "get" the skull shirt, no matter how innocent it seems). Hopefully, he has learned a lesson, and he is still overall a great kid. :)</p>

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<p>flvadad,I agree wholeheartedly with your parenting philosophy. I raised my daughter exactly the same way. No midriffs, low-cut tops, appropriate fitting pants, etc. Now, this is just who she is and the way she dresses. She's a great kid and never rebelled. One reason is she was friends whose parents were exactly like her parents were. We had the same parenting style and same expectations in terms of behavior. My daughter appreciates the way she was raised and thankfully, we've never had any arguments with her concerning dress, curfews, etc. Perhaps boys are different.</p>

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<p>^^^^Well, this is a hot topic for me. It's not necessary that others parent according to my methods -- as I have said many times, I'm no expert. I don't pretend to be. But the suggestion that we should somehow have no say on certain fundamental and basic matters makes no sense to me. In my house I speak on everything and assert my influence accordingly. I don't feel anything is off limits. Of course, as they get older I realize the necessity of dialing it down a notch, and I do. But that's mostly because they've been trained well enough that I don't work so hard at it anymore. I trust them to do the right things on their own now, and for the most part, they do. </p>

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Of course parents need to set guidelines and have principles, but this just seems like an overbearing mom telling her kid what to wear based on her personal tastes.

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<p>More people should understand that what we wear does matter. It's not mainly an issue of whether it is offensive to someone else. Mostly what matters is what our clothes, and how we choose to dress, says about us individually. Knowing what to wear, when, and how our choices influence perceptions, is a life skill. We can use this kind of knowledge to our advantage or disadvantage. As African-Americans, I'd say this is especially important from a number of vantage points. So, sorry to be disagreeable, Sazari, but there is nothing overbearing about this. I think it's more important than you realize.</p>