<p>Hey Mike, if you don't like this thread don't click it on. Go Man came for help; some of us have actually lived through this w/our kids so can provide some of the context that Go man doesn't get over the phone.... no need for name-calling or hostility.</p>
<p>If your S or D cannot deal with the roommate, then they need to learn how to handle this. Rather than put up with a bad situation, they need to take some action. My D faced this at a summer camp living in the school dorms. First she tried dealing with the roommate - who regularly stayed up most of the night and missed all the morning classes. Next she went to the RA. When that did not work, she called home for some help. We did not get involved, believing she would learn by handling the issue herself. She went to the administration and after some persistence, got a new room assignment that worked out perfectly. </p>
<p>When she enrolled for college, she made sure she had a single. Considering all the costs of college, the extra $1000/year has been well worth it. When she wants company, she can just leave her door open. Kids drift in an out of the rooms. When she needs to study or sleep, she has the privacy she needs. I really don't see any value to dealing with a bad roommate situation. Next year she may decide to have a double, but she will be able to pick a suitable roommate rather than trust luck or the attempts by the school to match roommates.</p>
<p>It seems that both you and your son are making a LOT of assumptions about his roommate (ie, he doesn't want to be there). Also, it is pretty unlikely that in any roommate conflict, only one person is entirely to blame and the other is a saint, and the problems sound pretty innoucous. </p>
<p>He's messier than your son. He doesn't need to keep the same study hours. His actions sound eminently fixable, so maybe the issue is your son's dislike of confrontation - ie, asking the roommate to wear headphones, or maybe your son is just struggling with the notion that his way isn't always the right way (something we all strugle with!). Some things aren't problems at all - there is no right and wrong about when the trash gets emptied, his roommate's friends don't have to be his friends, etc. </p>
<p>Your post seems a good reminder that:
1. kids call to vent. They need us to vent to, but often people vent long and hard about trivial stuff as a way of blowing off steam about the bigger issues (like academics, social struggle, etc), and
2. son is making his own choices about never being in room instead of learning to communicate and compromise, and
3. when we are telling the story, we are always the person in the right.</p>
<p>1 and 3 are human nature. Learning about 2 is what having a roommate freshman year is all about. If you asked me when I was a frosh how I felt about my school's 'no room changes, ever' policy, I would have told you it was the worst torture, ever. But now, I am so grateful, because i learned more that year about flexibility, compromise, and communication than I ever have since, and it has served me well in my professional life.</p>
<p>The school isn't responsible for this. The race card is a hideous thing to 'play'. And if your son can't make it work with this roommate, he should be the one to leave. You can't have a guy kicked out of his room because his roommate thinks he isn't neat enough, or because his friends don't like his roommate. If you could, 75% of all college freshmen would be kicked out of their rooms!</p>
<p>This is an aside, but don't all colleges collect roommate surveys before assigning dorms? Things would include smoking or nonsmoking, morning person or night person, music while studying or quiet, overnight guests or not, neat or sloppy, etc. It sure sounds like a major mismatch in this case.</p>
<p>I don't recall the OP stating that the "roommate" should be leaving the room. I just don't see that this statement was made.</p>
<p>Frankly, I commiserate. When I was student, the RA was hopeless. After clothes, my typewriter, rear checks from checkbook--all went "missing", I called the police. I'd wake in middle of night to find roommate's b/f's friend in my bed! Her mother would call every morning at 7 am to see if her DTR was "home"--no matter how many times I told her to stop waking me. I don't think my parents would have thought to call and complain, and nothing I did really worked until I got police involved. Rm/mt left when she got pregnant.</p>
<p>I can sense your frustration, and support your S. Encourage him to find a way to move out for next term. If I had to repeat my situation, I would have been far more assertive with RA</p>
<p>I know that this is a parent's forum, but I am a student who had the same problem. My rromate was just getting over a drug addiction and was always staying out late, coming in with friends, playing lous rap music (especially Eminem, who I really don't like), and was so messy that at one point she had a pile of stuff that was sliding over more and more to my side of the room by the minute. </p>
<p>It's hard to live with someone else, especially with someone you don't know. The bottom line is, the line has to be drawn somewhere. I was scared of my roomate because she was this really tough girl from a tough neighborhood in NY. However, I had to learn how to draw the line somewhere. </p>
<p>Your son cannnot tell his roomate that he has to keep his own side of the room clean or that he can't ever have friends over. But his roomate does have to respect him. Everybody has to compromise. With my roomate, I told her that I didn't care how messy she was, as long as she kept it on her side of the room. I asked her to wear headphones when listening to loud music, but I also allowed her time where she could play her music out loud. We developed a schedule for when she could have her friends over that worked for both me and her. There were certain issues I wouldn't budge on (no drugs or alcohol in the room), but I would never tell her that she couldn't watch TV when she wanted.The bottom line is, while schoolwork is important, I cannot stifle her lifestyle. There are compromises I have to make, things I have to accept. </p>
<p>I think if your son is the one having problems, then he will be the one to leave (that's how it is at my school). Playing the race card is unfair and may very well lead to more problems than your son needs right now. RA's at alot of schools are nothing more than kids watching kids, so they aren't always the best source for these types of problems. I reccomend before going to administration or housing office that your son actually talks to his roomate about what is going on - about everything, including the missing item.. That did wonders for me.</p>
<p>For what we could not aggree on, there was someone that was not an RA but not administration (someone in between) that helped us to resolve our problems. I think the best solution here is dialogue - but between your son and his roomate. When parents get involved from the get go, its already unfair. It's hard living with someone you don't know, but your son needs to find out how to make it work. When he does figure it out, it'll be a lesson that will last him a lifetime - trust me.</p>
<p>Nice post, collegegirl.</p>
<p>"The bottom line is, while schoolwork is important, I cannot stifle her lifestyle."</p>
<p>I don't think so. College can be expensive and is certainly a very important experience. Not being able to study or sleep because of a roommate is not a worthwhile compromise.</p>
<p>The single biggest issue is sleep. Studying can be done elsewhere.</p>
<p>My S is sharing a room that is so small, both desks, chairs and bookcases have to be in the common room that is shared with 4 suitemates. Somehow, he manages to study. The common room sees its share of garbage (S reported that it smelled much better after they got rid of it :(). Friends of various suitemates do come, suitemates watch TV, but S reports that it is not particularly disruptive. His roommate and he have slightly different sleep schedules but they somehow manage. Come to think of it, the fact that the room is too small means that the friends have to be in the common room and not in the bedroom. That is an advantage of the too-small room I had not thought about. </p>
<p>I agree that the roommates should talk it out and the the OP's S should handle things. If the RA is unresponsive, talk to the Housing Director. Sleep is important.</p>
<p>Maybe your son should be little more asertive. Demureness is a nice trait but does not work too well in real world. If roommate does anything obnoxious you must be able to set the rules without getting confrontational and still maintaining friendship and composure. Its social skill. However, you must leave some space for your roommate's ideosyncrasies and personal traits. Maybe your roommate wants to see some TV everyday. Then consider and stop studying in the room. just go out to study. Everyone wants want some personal time in the room. set the rules. Don't stay in the room all the time.</p>
<p>I did not entirely get the pre-reg thing. Maybe he just wants some advice or something. Whats the big deal?</p>
<p>It seems to me as tho the roommate has some issues that woud most likely be bothersome/troublesome to the general public (i.e. playing loud rap music with no headphones, watching a lot of tv in the room, letting his sloppiness spill over to OPS's side of the room, NEVER being respectful of OPS's sleeping/studying time). It also seems to me that OPS has done all he can to make co-existing bearable but is suffering nontheless. Someone such as the roommate that is so disrespectful of others and with no regard for their needs is not going to suddenly shape up because the RA or the OPS tells him it's bothering the OPS. Clearly, the roommate can't stand the OPS as described by the OP when roommate and his friends are in the room they won't even acknowledge OPS. The grumbling is also a sign of total disrepect and disregard for OPS. This roommate is going to do what he wants to do no matter what. He is definitely not looking for ways to co-exist peacefully. My suggestion to you is to have your son go to the Housing Office and tell them that he is unable to work. sleep or retreat to his room comfortably. He should also tell them it's affecting his school work. Tell them anything, but get out of that room! My daughter had a similar situation years ago with a roommate. They even went to mediation at the school, D did everything she could to try to make living together doable -- the roommate wouldn't budge. Not everybody is 'fixable' and this is no time in OPS's life to try to fix his roommate. </p>
<p>If the Housing Office is not responsive to your son's request, then I think it's OK for you to become involved. Just my opinion. Good luck.</p>
<p>I agree that the Son should talk to his roommate about switchng. Maybe one of his roomie's friendss that comes over all the time has a quiet rommate, too, and they'd all like to switch. Definitely your son should be intouch with the housang department and the RA about this so he can change for the next semester. This seems a very short term problem - he can study for mid year exams in the library.
He sould also be making friends so that he can choose his roomate for sophomore year! Transfering to a different school will not guarantee that he gets a roommate he prefers.
By the way, we have a friend whose son is at a top Ivy League school and his roommate is a transvestite - he always dresses like a woman. Their room has become like the "transvestite club" for the University. The son is hardly ever in his room - sleeps on the floor on a friend's room due to the noise back in his. Freshman roommate woes are common.</p>
<p>Geez...so much hand-wringing for a problem that's existed as long as colleges have. Freshman roommate hell is as common as buttered bread. I lived it myself and dealt with it myself. I'll highlight just one of the many problems with my roommate: Her hygiene habits (or lack thereof) were so abysmal, the smell would knock people over living five rooms down the hall. Think I slept, studied, or did much of anything in that room? Needless to say, I figured out in a big hurry that you don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole--just make a change and cut your losses. Forget the RA--they're useless. Simply go to the housing office, apply for a new room, and get the hell out of there as fast as you can. Why suffer through it? Life's too short. Yes, if you're the unhappy one, you do the moving. But, who cares? I had a great time second semester which made up for the 1st semester torture. Half of what you learn by going away to college can't be found in a book. This is one of the early lessons that MANY, MANY students encounter.</p>
<p>Sounds to me like the OP's Son is a candidate for a 24 hr quiet dorm,or wellness dorm or whatever terminology the particular college uses.If he's unhappy, hes the one to be making the switch.Lack of being able to sleep/affecting ones health I would think is an acceptable reason.Not agreeing,or being uncomfortable with with the roomates lifestyle/music/study habits/sibling connections or race are not acceptable.</p>
<p>Basically, to sum up what's already been said, I think there's a fine line between learning to live and compromise with problems, which is an essential skill that one needs in life, and trying to change people who aren't going to change. I'm pretty laid-back and not that hard to get along with, so I've been willing to compromise...but I'm realizing that my roommate isn't going to change her habits, so I'm just going to have to put up with it the best I can should I not be able to get a single. It's only four more months anyway, although I may not be getting my money's worth from the room rent because I don't spend much time in it, as my parents pointed out...oh well.</p>
<p>(And I agree, the racial difference and the registration thing shouldn't really be issues...)</p>
<p>Even when two people get along, there's always going to involve compromise and acceptance when living together, especially in tight quarters like a dorm room. Just ask anyone who's been married for awhile about learning to live with problems! But, putting up with a bad situation, and avoiding your own dorm room because of it isn't necessary! Now that you're actually at school and not having to take the university-assigned roommate like the first time around, you're at an advantage. You don't need to live in a single room to fix this situation. I remember plenty of other kids in my dorm like me who couldn't wait to ditch their roommates. I went around, struck up some conversations, put the word out, and got to know some new people in the process. It's easy--misery loves company! Find someone that seems compatible, hit the housing office together, and make some new plans. This is the perfect time to get creative and resourceful about problem-solving. Take it from me...you'll have a blast 2nd semester if you do!</p>