<p>Sorry in advance for how long this post is, but I really need advice.</p>
<p>Our son is a freshman at a very selective liberal arts college in the NE. He has had some health issues, many of which he has overcome, but he got Lyme disease in his junior year. It was treated inadequately until almost a year later, and while he is recovering, if he gets tired, his Lyme symptoms return - terrible pain and headaches, and he becomes basically non-functional. The college gave him the accommodation of being in a "Quiet" dorm, which required a great deal of documentation, and all of it indicated he needs 9 - 10 hours of sleep a night to function well, that he goes to bed earlier that most college students, and that he doesn't use alcohol. He needed a roommate with a somewhat similar lifestyle, even if is unusual. On his regular housing forms he indicated the same information, and also honest information about himself and his living needs. He said his favorite activity is reading and that he has little interest in sports.</p>
<p>When he got his room and roommate assignment he and we were immediately concerned because they had put him in a non-"quiet" dorm despite him having been granted the accommodation earlier in the summer, and also that his roommate was going to be on the basketball team. We did not want to stereotype, but we were guessing that he probably didn't have the same lifestyle that my son currently has because he's recovering from serious illness. He contacted the Residential Life office, and they admitted they had a mistake about the dorm, and reassigned him to a "quiet, substance-free" floor of a different dorm. It was hard to get any answers out of them over a four day period of calls and emails, but they finally told our son that they had NOT made a mistake with the roommate match. He asked them to tell them something they had in common, because it was not obvious. They really didn't come up with anything, except allegedly he wanted the room quiet for studying. We thought maybe he had had a problem with substances in h.s., requested a substance free dorm, and that was confidential.</p>
<p>When we moved him to college, the roommate was polite and his parents seemed very nice. He didn't seem like the "Big Man On Campus" type and we were cautiously optimistic that it might work out okay for our son, because they didn't need to be best friends, but just co-exist peacefully. I had spoken to his mom once on the phone and she was told that the main thing our son required was quite a bit of sleep and to go to bed fairly early. She wanted to know if he requested a substance-free dorm, and I said, no, but it's fine with him because he doesn't drink. She didn't share anything about her son which led me to think that the supposition that he requested substance-free might be so.</p>
<p>We went to see our son for Parent's Weekend this Saturday. There was a great aspect of it in that our son let us know that he now had a girlfriend, and we got to meet her and her mom and really liked them. Then came the shocking news - for a month or so, our son's roommate has been coming in at 2am, even often on weeknights, drunk, with different drunk young women with whom he proceeds to have sex with while our son tries to sleep in the next bed. Our son tried to deal with it himself by talking to the roommate a number of times, to no avail. From what he has told us, he was definitely too polite, and he realizes he should have gone to some authority figure sooner, but it is hopefully a lesson learned. (Our son also did not want to get his roommate in trouble, but seemingly he didn't have to worry about that.)</p>
<p>He really reached the end of his rope a day before we arrived, as he had had a somewhat more forceful communication with the roommate, explaining again that he can not handle missing sleep (his Lyme symptoms are back on any morning after his roommate pulls the drunken sex routine; our son has missed several morning classes because he is too tired and in too much pain to go to them, and he has work to make up. His professors have been understanding, but still can't truly make up for every thing he has missed). The roommate said something like "seems reasonable" and our son thought it would end. The roommate got drunk and brought a drunk young women in for sex that same night...</p>
<p>We were horrified - our son has worked very hard to be able to get into this college, but he is not physically strong, and something like the sleep deprivation he has experienced this past month could really set him back, and even spiral downward. We tried contacting college officials but no Housing people were around. By happenstance we ran into the Dean of Freshman who was empathetic but said she had no power over Housing. She did call the Housing person on call and made her aware of the issues, and we met with our son and the RA and Housefellow. They of course have no power either, but we wanted to make it clear that this is a non-negotiable situation and that my son and his roommate needed to separate, that it was impacting our son's health and academics (also even if the roommate stopped his sleazy activities, he also talks loudly in his sleep almost nightly which also keeps our son awake).</p>
<p>While we were there for the weekend we all discussed what would be best for our son, and he and we decided he should request a single, because clearly we could not trust Housing's matching process, and he could not afford another bad roommate. He had to meet with the roommate, Housefellow and RA to discuss, but by this time our son was coming down with something, had a fever, and the meeting was mercifully short. The roommate indicated he wanted to stay in the room, and our son said fine, he couldn't live with him because of the sleep issue (but still said "nothing against you", which is way too conciliatory!. Our son is not guaranteed a single - there may not be one available, but after a meeting the Committee will have on Thursday he will find out A) if they approve him for one, and B) if there is one available. If there is not, our son should be able to stay in his room, alone, until a single opens up. The roommate should not be allowed to stay because he does NOT adhere to a substance-free lifestyle which is the condition of being on that floor. (He told our son earlier that he did not request a Quiet or Substance Free room, but if he agreed to be placed in one anyway, he is supposed to adhere to the rules.</p>
<p>We have let the college know that we expect them to do the right thing by our son, and quickly. Every night he stays in the room with his roommate is a night he will probably not get enough sleep, and his health and academics are at risk. We have received fairly patronizing replies back, one from a mid-level Housing person, but her 2 bosses have been copied on everything, and one from the Dean of Students. They have their process, blah, blah, and they think we should let our son handle the whole thing, otherwise he'll never learn, blah blah. He tried to handle it, and he was in over his head. Now he's in a crisis and has asked for our help, and we have let them know that while we agree with the basic premise, there are extenuating circumstances, and we will be advocating along side our son until this situation is resolved. The attitude is one concern - I have worked at universities in the past, and I am surprised by their attitude given the seriousness of our son's health history (there has been more than the Lyme).</p>
<p>The other concern, which I need advice on, is that it appears that there will be no repercussions for the basketball player roommate. This college is big on their Honor Code, Student Code of Conduct, etc., yet no one has blinked an eye about the behavior of the roommate. I asked a few people who have ignored me on what the procedure would be for the roommate's egregious behavior - would any college official at least sit down with him and discuss his behavior? I finally asked a second time with the Dean of Students, and her reply said it was up to our son to report the roommate's behavior and that was how the Honor Code, Student Code of Conduct, etc. worked. I looked up their procedures, and that is NOT what it says. Yes, of course a student can initiate a complaint against another student, but their rules indicate that ANY member of the college community can initiate a complaint if they know a student has broken the rules, and they specifically mention, staff, faculty, Deans, etc. So, our son has reported the roommates behavior - I don't expect the student RA and House Fellow to do anything formal, but all levels of the Housing office have been informed of the violations, as well as 3 levels of Deans. I have written before the Dean's response that if the college doesn't address the roommate's behavior, HE will not learn anything. It is more than that - if the college doesn't address the roommate's behavior with him, he will be rewarded for bad behavior. He should not be allowed to remain in the substance-free room, and if it ends up being him by himself, that's a big reward. His parents don't know (we avoided them because we were too upset), his coach doesn't know, he may already have a substance abuse problem, these young women he has sex with when they are drunk may not be able to legally give consent, and of course he never even attempted to apologize to our son. He would seem to be a budding narcissist and the college will be complicit if they do nothing. To my mind, if the college does nothing, they make a mockery of their Honor Code and Student Code of Conduct. Our son is in no shape to pursue a complaint. He's also in two classes with his roommate so there will be no avoiding him, but we think our son has been through enough. Our son would be fine with us pushing the college to address this, while he attends to catching up on his work, but I truly am not sure what to do. I know that my years working at colleges has sensitized me to these issues more than some, but there is a basic right and wrong and sense of fairness at play. I can't help thinking he is getting special treatment because he is a basketball player as well.</p>
<p>What would you do? How do you think colleges you are familiar with deal with these sorts of issues. This is our first child to go to college, and while we are basically very happy with the college in many ways, this experience is revealing a possible dark side within the administration to us. Thanks for any advice, because clearly I am very upset!</p>
without asking - apparently based on her saying she needed it quiet for studying.)