Roommate Problem

Student Lounge College Life
1

Genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not, I just want to be a good roommate. I’m a rising junior and have spent two years living in the dorms on campus, and both years my relationship with my (different) roommates has been difficult. I know I’m not blameless, but I always tried my best to be considerate. However, it makes it hard for me to know who is right in this situation, and I’m just trying to find a compromise.

I’m rooming with a friend for part of the summer, and we’ve just spent two nights in the same room. Apparently we’re not very compatible so I’m hoping things go well for now on, but I know it will require a lot of compromise. First thing was when I asked if I could open the window for some air, and she said she’d prefer I didn’t. Fair enough, I can deal with a bit of heat. But one thing I expect will be a consistent problem is that she wants the blinds open during the night so that the sunlight floods in early. I am pretty light sensitive, have even been told so by my optometrist, so even the smallest bit of light wakes me up. I’ve had problems waking up to minimal light with the blinds closed, let alone open. But I know it’s all about compromise, so I said I’d wear my eye mask and it would be fine.

The first night was ok, the eye mask stayed on and I slept pretty well. But last night, the mask slipped and I woke up with the sunlight at 6 in the morning after about 4 hours of sleep. I fiddled with the blinds for just a second, and my roommate was annoyed and told me to leave them open. I actually wasn’t closing them, I don’t remember what I was doing but I knew she wanted them open so they were gonna stay open. Either way, I am sorry for messing with them after we agreed. But then I put the eye mask on and it took me over an hour to get to sleep again. Sunlight really just wakes me up and makes it very hard to be sleepy again, even though I objectively didn’t sleep long enough.

I asked her if there was any way she could compromise by leaving the blinds closed on Saturday and Sunday so I can catch up on sleep in the morning. She seemed annoyed and talked about how I said I could use the mask, and we’re already compromising in other ways, like how she left the lights on for me when she went to bed last night. I told her I didn’t even realize she was doing that for me, and it would be perfectly fine if she turned them off whenever she went to bed. She also cited how I’m using her plates and pots in the kitchen, but she moved in before me and I asked her if she wanted me to get anything. If it bothered her, I would buy my own plates.

She agreed to leave the blinds closed in the mornings on the weekend, but doesn’t seem happy about it, saying she’ll just have to go to the living room. I don’t mean to be a bother, but I kind of feel like sleep is more important than a preference for sunlight?

2

Don’t go to bed at 2 am, to start with.

3

A lot of college students are night owls, with classes that start later, so a 2 a.m. bedtime is not that unusual.

OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

4

Lots of questions:

  1. What time you each have your first class?
  2. Did you not have pots and plates already?
  3. I would hate having the light come it while I’m trying to sleep. Does she get up when sun comes up?
  4. Can you study late in the living room so that you are sure not to disturb her or better yet, set a schedule so that you are not up until 2 am.
  5. I live in a hot humid climate and have a security systems so I find that I never open the windows. (I’d have to remember to close them in order to engage the alarm.) I go outside when I want fresh air.

Also, consider getting a single room for your last year.

5

I would have a big problem being woken up with the sun every morning, particularly if I didn’t have to wake up that early. I image most people would have a major problem with that - especially college students, who typically aren’t known for being early birds. So no, I don’t think that you’re being unreasonable. If it’s not too late to get another roommate, do so, or I suspect you and your friend won’t be friends much longer. You might also tell your friend about a wonderful new invention called the alarm clock.

6

@TQfromtheU Actually, I went to bed at 1am but it took a bit to get to sleep. My roommate probably went to sleep around 12-12:30, so I’m really not staying up much past her.

  1. My internship and part time job are going to start at 10am, so I'm generally going to be leaving around 9-9:30. I think she has class around 9 since she leaves close to the hour.
  2. I didn't have pots and pans because I was in a dorm room without a kitchen the last two years, whereas my other roommates have been in apartments before and already had a lot. She also moved in before me, so she bought stuff and said I didn't need to worry about it.
  3. She doesn't get up when the sun comes up, probably more like 8am. The sun just doesn't bother her. Personally I don't prefer the blinds open at all, but I would be fine if she opened them when I was awake and up. It's not like I'm planning on sleeping till 1 in the afternoon, I'd just like to sleep later than 6am.
  4. I haven't really started stuff with my project, which would be my "homework", but I will probably be doing stuff in the living room. Also I don't mind turning off the lights and being quiet if I go to bed after her, I didn't even realize she was trying to keep the lights on for my benefit when I was just watching Hulu on my laptop.
  5. It's a cool 65-70 degrees right now, but a little warm in the apartment. My family always blasts the AC so I'm used to a cooler environment, but I can adjust. I just hope she will let me open the window when it gets a little warmer and so the room doesn't become an oven.
7

In retrospect, I should have expected some bumps in the road since she’s never had a roommate. The last two years, her “roommates” were completely MIA. One started dating an RA and stayed with him, the other ended up commuting from home. She’s essentially always had a single and I think we just have different ideas of compromise.

8

@collegegirl5702 - Thank you for the additional information.

  • I think it would be reasonable to ask for the blinds to be closed at bedtime since neither of you need to be up that early in the morning and it would disturb your sleep. You can have them open all during the day, once you are both up.
  • Let her know that you have no problem watching Hulu or doing homework, etc. in the living room after 11:30pm or midnight so that she can get her rest. Do you have headphones?
  • Set a time with her when it is lights in the bedroom and just move to the other room. Get a small fan so you don't get over heated as the weather warms up.
  • I think Walmart has a sets of dishes/Corel plates and flat wear that you can get cheaply. If you can figure out a pot size you will use regularly, get one of those and some cooking utensils. It is nice to have your own and she will not have a reason to feel like she is providing everything. --- Buy them to share the use with her. I'm not suggesting you be selfish.
  • Be sure to get TP, paper towels, trash bags if you need to provide that for the apartment.

Hopefully, she will get used to having a roommate and see that your arrangement is fine.

9

@TQfromtheU I agree with all of that, but I just don’t think she’s willing to agree to the blinds thing. She’s really aggressive on her stance that they stay open, she wasn’t even comfortable giving it up for weekends let alone the whole week. I’m trying to understand her perspective, but it’s only been 2 days and it’s already been an uncomfortable situation for me. I’m considering getting blackout curtains to hang on just my side of the window. It’s not perfect, and I don’t think she’d be happy with me, but it’s fair and better than nothing.

10

@collegegirl, I think compromise is important on both sides when there’s an issue, but unless you’ve left stuff out I think she’s amiss here. It sounds as if you are trying, and thinking/worrying about this, which says to me you are not inconsiderate, even when you don’t agree with her. it sounds as if she considers “her” way the default mode that she’s entitled to. People like that really aren’t interested in compromise at all, and resent any conscessions they make.

I love sunshine, un-curtained windows (when privacy is not an issue) and waking up to light streaming in the windows. So I can relate to her preference. But I can’t imagine insisting on keeping the shades open all night if I had a light-sensitive roommate who couldn’t sleep past dawn. I might insist on opening them by nine or ten. If it’s between someone just liking light for aesthetic reasons vs. someone losing sleep between six and eight (since she sleeps til eight), sleep wins. She can have light for the rest of the day. Most college students just don’t wake up at 6 am (she doesn’t) If you like the blinds drawn all/most of the time, (which I would personally hate, BTW) you are already compromising by agreeing to pull them up when you both wake. She doesn’t get to control everything. You each paid half for the room

Then, leave no stone unturned to be thoughtful about anything else she could possibly care about. If it’s getting after 11 PM, (even if she’s still up) maybe ask her when she’d like the light out. Volunteer ahead of time to go to the living room, etc. Bend over backwards to ask her preferences about things. Then she will have no grounds for suggesting that you’re inconsiderate or uncompromising. Make/buy cookies or something and offer her some. You know, that sort of thing. Shower her with graciousness. Then stick to what’s fair for you, too.

The thing about the dishes is off. Either she’s toying with you, or she’s not comfortable communicating directly. I think it’s fine if she doesn’t want you using hers, but that’s not what she said. No one should have to be a mind reader. At this point I wouldn’t touch her dishes with a ten-foot-pole. If I were you I would buy my own (cheap) dishes and not use hers if she’s going to be vague and changeable. A couple of plates, bowls, cups etc. would be enough. If she happens to do another switch and complains there’s no room for all these dishes, just say in a neutral/friendly voice “you know, I’m confused. You told me no need to buy any, but then you were unhappy that I used yours. I think it’s best this way. Maybe you could store some of your extras if there’s no room but I’m uncomfortable using (and accidentally damaging) yours.”

I have a feeling this kind of thing will continue. If I were you I’d try to settle differences directly and clearly. If you have to write down agreements to be clear, then do so. Be fair and reasonably empathetic, but don’t let yourself be intimidated by snide, resentful or passive-aggressive comments. If she’s unhappy, say," wow, this is hard. How can we solve this so we can both be OK. " And go to the RA if you need to.

She can pay for a single if she wants to live as if she’s in a single.

11

I am a sleep with the blinds open 7 days a week person. Otherwise I feel like I am in a cave. Work days I am up by 4:30am, but even if I am sleeping in late, I like the sun to shine in. While having the blinds closed would not be a deal breaker for me, I would not be happy with it, I could get used to it. But, it would be at the top of my list of gripes. I think eye shades are reasonable. I agree about the dishes. She may have implied/said you could use hers, but I would not touch hers with a 10’ pole now. You can buy them very cheaply. I like the room cold when I sleep, if there is now AC, I would want a fan or AC. Make a list and prioritize it. Ask your roommate if she can sit down with your on Sat for breakfast and tell her you want to figure out how to make this work. Be positive, make jokes. Solve Problems. You are both coming from this from different backgrounds. We can all get used to something different. My D has always had her own room only to end up in a triple freshman year. She hated it. Mostly for the lack of privacy. The dorm situation was not good. And not because she did not like her room mates, just that they all had different expectations what is “normal” Best to you, you will figure it out.

12

She can’t really stop you from closing the blinds after she goes to bed. Since you compromised by keeping the window closed, she can compromise on closing the blinds.

13

I have to say that I’m a cave sleeper. I like it pitch black so that would be hard for me. I think compromising on certain days a week to have the blinds drawn are reasonable. A good sleep mask would be a must for me.

14

My D has room-darkening shades. She also has one of those bed sets where there’s a bed on top, a desk on one side, shelving on the other side with drawers on the front part of the shelves and her bed fits in perpendicular where the open space is under the top bed - she hangs a quilt down from the top bed to cover the opening where her bed fits in and it makes it like a cave. She would be miserable with a roommate like that.

15

Wow I had no idea there were people who actually preferred to have it get light in the room before they want to get up in the morning. Especially in summer when it gets light at 4:30 or 5am. I’m already having trouble staying asleep past 5 right now with the small bit of light that gets past our blinds this time of year. When our kids were babies we had to go to great lengths to find very dark blackout blinds to keep them sleeping past 6am. It would be a complete deal breaker for me to have a roommate who wanted to sleep with the blinds/curtains open in the summer. Winter… okay… it doesn’t get light until a reasonable hour anyway. (Hey, there’s the compromise for you… April to October we keep the blinds closed until 8am. In the winter you can have them open overnight! :slight_smile: ).

16

Unless I’m mistaken, the apartment (if that’s the right word) you’re sharing includes a living room, a kitchen, a bedroom, and presumably a bathroom, either inside or outside the bedroom. Most people would agree that the primary purpose of the bedroom is for sleeping. In my limited experience, most people can adapt to sleep soundly in varied lighting - your light sensitivity is an obvious exception. It’s hard to imagine a “friend” wouldn’t be more accommodating to your needs. Maybe your princess roommate has never had to compromise before, and you now have a choice to either help her learn to do so or simply dictate what you’re able to give on and what you’re not.

17

As a cave sleeper, the open blinds would be a deal breaker for me. I can’t sleep with a mask on and even travel with clips to hold the hotel curtains closed. But I open the blinds and curtains to start the day. Give it a try. She need to give some, too.

18

Worse comes to worst, could you move your bed and use the living room as your bedroom? Depending on layout I assume that means you’d have her coming through the room to use the door (and any other guests passing through), but it might be the only way you’d both get to live comfortably if your preferences are equally strong. Maybe if you did that you could place a screen between the door area and your sleeping are to give you some privacy?

19

Another solution would be one of those bed tents. Not sure how great it would be in the summer in terms of ventilation but it would give you privacy and room darkening.

20

@inthegarden Thank you for the suggestion, but I believe that would be against the rules of the dorm. Plus we live with two roommates in the other bedrooms and it just isn’t fair or feasible.