@momofsenior1 I actually looked into that today, but they are pretty expensive and I’m only living with her for 6 weeks. I think unfortunately I’m going to tough it out, or possibly try to mediate with an RA.
I really just wish I could sleep without the mask, it always either slips off or hurts my ears in the morning. I also prefer the room to be dark for a few minutes when I wake up so I can ease myself into the day, but I could easily compromise as long as I was awake. I just don’t understand why her preference is the default (not that mine is either). When she first asked me to leave the blinds open, it didn’t even feel like a discussion, more like “This is how it is, find a way to deal with it” in so many words. I struggle with confrontation, and we’re in the same sorority so we have many mutual friends. We also had a really bad falling out my freshman year, and the way she handled the situation honestly messed me up for a while, but we patched it up this year and she changed a lot for the better. I don’t want to screw up the progress we made.
I have a phrase for you, @collegegirl5702 - “that doesn’t work for me”. Own it. It doesn’t work for you to have the blinds open overnight. You have a right to your sleep. This is a ‘want’ (hers) versus a 'need (yours) and in those situations the need trumps the want. (Former nice girl/people pleaser here btw - I know this is hard. Good luck. You are absolutely within your rights to take a stand here).
@washugrad Just talked with her again as she went to bed. I closed the blinds just the tiniest bit as she was going to bed, honestly not enough to make a difference AT ALL, and she snapped at me again because we had “an agreement” and she’s giving me the weekends so I need to just let her do whatever during the week. I said I felt pressured into the agreement, and that I tried but it’s not really working for me. It’s not fair for her to hold me to it like a contract when it’s not like she would have taken no for an answer. She says she needs the light to wake up for work in the morning, and it’s her room too and it’s not fair she can’t live in her own room. But having the blinds closed for a couple hours in the morning doesn’t mean she can’t LIVE in her room, it just means getting dressed with the room a little dim. Her objection would be reasonable if I was making an ultimatum for the entire day, but I’m not, literally just an hour in the morning. I don’t think it’s fair that I can’t SLEEP in my own room. In the end, I just tried to say I don’t know the answer, but I’m going by the “agreement” for now and we’ll probably have to sit down with an RA beyond that. Looking forward to the weekend.
Now I’m just angry that she equates keeping the blinds closed to me kicking her out of the room. I told her having them closed for a bit in the morning doesn’t mean she doesn’t get to live in the room, it just means the room is darker for a little bit. She literally said that isn’t living and isn’t fair to her.
Your roommate is being unreasonable. This is something she wants, but it’s something you need. It was a mistake to compromise on it. Compromises can mean she gives on one thing (like the blinds) and you give on another (like her turning on a light if she gets up early). It doesn’t have to mean you compromise on what days the blinds can be closed. Get your RA involved.
Close your blinds and when your roommate complains and says you have an agreement tell her you changed your mind. I don’t know why you’re concerned about losing progress in a relationship with someone who apparently doesn’t feel the same.
@austinmshauri I have to disagree a bit. While I agree that the roommate is being unreasonable, they are friends (maybe sort of) and sorority sisters. OP will want to handle this situation thoughtfully and delicately. I’m not saying what might happen, but some girls can be mean (and I don’t want the OP to end up an outcast).
I do agree that getting the RA to help resolve the situation might be a good idea, but I would approach the RA alone first to get her thoughts on it. If the RA sees benefit and seems amenable to a meeting, I would then suggest it to the roommate. Hopefully she won’t react defensively or negatively, but there’s a good chance she will.
@RandyErika At the end of talking last night, I said I don’t know what to do and that I might speak to an RA about mediating. She said that was fine, I kind of expect she thinks it won’t change anything. I personally don’t know what to do because I understand compromise and sacrifice as a roommate, but I can’t live like this. Just woke up again at 6 this morning, currently sitting behind a piece of furniture that blocks the window from the kitchen table.
I think it’s the RA’s job to have a meeting, whether or not the RA is amenable. If she’s not, then take it to a higher level. This is a legitimate issue. The college provides shades for a reason: people need sleep and privacy. You are not asking shades to be drawn all day but in the very early morning when most students ARE asleep.
I feel certain that the roommate will act defensively and negatively about a meeting because such people do not like their entitlement questioned. Either she is so self-centered that she believes she should get everything she wants without question, or on some level she knows she’s being unreasonable and doesn’t want this scrutinized and brought to light (pun not intended).
I know this is only for six weeks and you might concluded that it’s not worth jeopardizing the friendship or your standing in the sorority (if she’s vindictive). But it’s good practice learning to assert yourself. These situations will come up over and over in life. It’s good to be a comprimiser and negotiator with people who are reasonable. But there is a time to stand your ground with people who aren’t. If you do everything she says just to keep the friendship, just what kind of friendship would it be? How would you feel about yourself if you have to grovel to keep her happy? Will she demand more and more of you as time goes on? How you respond here is setting a precedent.
Surely others in the sorority know how she is. Even if she carries social power, people figure things out eventually, even if they don’t dare say it out loud. It is better, in the long run, to be respected than popular. In the end, people tend to genuinely like caring people who have self-respect too, Don’t feel you have to be a doormat to get along.
@inthegarden I really appreciate your perspective, and I am trying to be better about standing my ground. But I tried to assert myself last night by saying the current situation doesn’t really work for me, but she just invalidated my feelings again. At the same time, I have to agree with @RandyErika that I want to handle the situation delicately. As unfair as I think she’s being, it would be equally unfair to fight it more aggressively or close the blinds without her say. She thinks she’s right, I disagree, but it’s those situations that require a mediator. I already tried asserting myself and my feelings and she refused to see my side, I just think anything more would escalate the situation and make us both angry and miserable.
Can you hang a curtain around your bed using a tension pole or tacks from the ceiling? Also, if there are two windows or two sets of blinds, close and open one set of blinds as you please. She can control the over one. Don’t let her set all the rules.
Or alternatively, is there a room you can move to? Your roommate’s behavior is not OK. It might be best to distance yourself and not get into a big confrontation because this sort of person tends to be vindictive. My suspicion is that she only wants the blinds wide open because she knows you are sensitive to light.
Yes, I agree with not physically closing the blinds at this point or turning this into a literal fight or screaming match. A mediator IS necessary. It’s good to be delicate and fair and proceed in an appropriate way. I just meant that you don’t have to back down and do everything she wants just because she wants it or to avoid her displeasure.
Expect that at some point in the meeting she WILL become reactive (unless the RA completely sides with her…the RA is a student after all, and not a professional negotiator). My main point is that you don’t have to let her emotional reactions control your decisions or gaslight you into thinking you, yourself are being unreasonable. I don’t think this is just about morning light for her…I think it’s about being in control. People like that tend to ramp up their emotional reactions to manipulate you into giving in, so don’t take her “upsetness” as a reflection on you. Take it to a higher lever if you don’t feel the RA can handle the situation objectively.
The fact that she invalidated your feelings again illustrates my point. Somehow, in her world ALL her feelings are valid but yours aren’t. Not possible to live well with such people without help or a very strong spine. I feel for you.
@txstella There is only one set of blinds, but the window is right between the beds so I was considering getting blackout curtains to cut off half. I think it’s probably too late to move rooms, and would be difficult because she’s only staying for 6 weeks while I’m scheduled in the room for 12. In fairness to her, I think it’s just her routine to wake up to light in the morning when she gets up for class/work, and she’s never really had a roommate so that’s always worked out for her. But when someone’s routine negatively affects someone else, the kind thing to do would be to adjust. I am angry about the situation, but I don’t think she’s nearly as vindictive as you might think from the situation. I just think she’s ignorant about how inconsiderate it is. If anything, my feelings on sunlight in the morning are probably more common than hers among college students.
I would try a problem-solving logic with her. Try to be as unemotional as possible, while acknowleging her point of view. Say something like…
"We’re kind of at an impasse. I have to get a certain amount of sleep to function. I can’t seem to get that sleep even with a mask. You need light in the early morning to function. We both have equal rights to the room and an equal right to be happy. So the only logical thing I can think of is to turn the lights out at 11 PM (or 10 or whatever). It’s earlier than we both want to get to bed, but it’s the only way we can both get what we want. "
@collegegirl5702, I imagine YOU don’t want the lights out at 11 either. But this would be a compromise. This is a logical problem-solving move. Admit to her that you don’t like the idea either (if you don’t) but say it’s the only solution you can think of that would solve both of your problems. You could get enough dark hours for sleep and she’d get her morning light. Invite her (nicely) to brainstorm any other creative solutions. If she balks at this (which I imagine she will) then say…"you know, I want us both to be happy. Do you? Because I thought we were friends. and it’s hard for me to imagine that you are OK if I get only five hours of sleep at night. I won’t do well in my classes and I might get sick with so little sleep. Can we find other roommates at this point? Because I want to be friends with you and I want you to enjoy the room but I can’t live without sleep. "
@inthegarden Thank you for the suggestion, I’m already naturally moving back my sleep schedule so that might be what happens. I can turn off the lights whenever I want to go to bed, but I also just work best at night and would really prefer to stay up till midnight. She also just doesn’t seem interested in having a discussion about the matter, since when I brought it up I just had go by the “agreement” (in her words) and she wasn’t really open to talking or suggesting anything. The blinds thing is annoying, but the main source of my frustration is she doesn’t seem to care about working with me to find a solution.
I contacted the RA so I can get her thoughts, but I’m considering maybe asking if we can have a hard agreement where the blinds stay closed until 7:30/8am, then she can open them (including weekends)? I’m wondering if that’s fair. I don’t think she realizes how I’ve compromised already because I don’t hold it over her head the same way. I’m truly a night owl, and would often stay up between 2 and 4am. Obviously that’s unreasonable and it’s good that I’m changing my schedule, but it is also because of her habits that I have to. My last roommate would also stay up till 2am and sleep till noon, and I would stay up past her and get up before her for class. On weekends I would stay up late and sleep till 11. That’s been my routine for years, and my friends would often want to meet up past 1am. I’m willing to go to bed earlier to wake up earlier, but 6am seems unfair to expect of me. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, I tried to open the window while she wasn’t in the room and the second she came back she closed it without a word to me.
Edit: She’s also living in a triple, so three people in the same cramped room, next year and I highly suspect there will be issues. It will be interesting to see how that works.
Thank you to everyone for the suggestions, I feel more confident in standing my ground about the issue.
OP I feel your pain.
@collegegirl, Oh yes, there will be issues with the triple! I can’t imagine the odds that two other college students will magically have the exact habits and routines as she does (or else will defer to her every move). At that point you will be able to sit back and smile with relief that you only had to deal with it for six weeks.
Let us know what happens! good luck to you,sounds like anyone would be lucky to have you as a roommate. And yes, having the shades closed until 7:30 or 8:00 is perfectly reasonable. Disrupted sleep affects your whole day, but I can’t imagine how waking up with shades drawn, then pulling them immediately open at 7:30 should ruin a sun-loving person’s day. Sheesh!