<p>rocketman08 -yes, my D told me that the RM and the RM’s mom talk on the phone anywhere from one to six times or more a day. She said RM is very clingy with the BF - spends every free minute with him and has dropped all her friends. RM’s mom told me she is not happy with the BF situation, but didn’t go into detail in her email.</p>
<p>dntw8up - RM’s mom actually called her D several “bad names” in her emails to me which is one reason I don’t feel comfortable forwarding these emails to my D. It would probably make her feel sorry for her RM. The least offensive description by the RM’s mom was selfish.</p>
<p>Kindly reply to this mom “from this point on let’s let our Daughters deal with their own situations as that is part of what college is about as well.”
And then do not reply to any other crazy or odd emails. It takes two. So don’t be one of them.</p>
<p>Putting myself in your daughter’s shoes, I’d want to know ASAP that some of this was going on. Odds are good that it will make the situation clearer to everyone. It’s very possible that the RM and her mom are talking a lot about the this, which could mean that the lies and/or tension are growing, and it may be starting to show in the RM’s actions/attitude. If I were your daughter, I think it would be less stressful to know the root of any trouble than to be left wondering, or to be prepared for any trouble, rather than risk being blindsided.</p>
<p>I don’t think I’d want all of the details–forwarded emails, etc.–unless I asked (which, given the option, I would). Sending them outright risks, among other things, making the problem seem bigger than it has to be. I suggest just handing her the reigns–which might mean keeping things very low-key–for now. Sort of an “I know you’re busy, and you don’t need to worry about this too much right now, but I wanted to let you know what’s going on, and I can fill you in on the details whenever you’re ready” approach. </p>
<p>It’s also possible that your daughter already knows that this is an issue, but doesn’t realize the full extent. In fairness, it’s also possible that the RM herself doesn’t know how far her mom’s taken this (although it doesn’t sound like this was a totally isolated incident). Your daughter might already have spoken with RM about the boyfriend issue. She might know that her RM, despite being friendly, is kooky, and has a helicoptering-mom, so her response might be “Ugh, typical. I’ll deal with it.” It’s even possible that your daughter and her roommate really are getting along well, and she jokingly <em>okayed</em> herself as the scape-goat (I can think of plenty of times that I’ve laughingly told people to just “blame it on me”), but then things just caught fire. Again, it doesn’t sound like this is likely, given reports from both your daughter and the RC, but the important thing to realize is that there could be more to the situation than any single player realizes. There might be a lot of manipulation at play, but it might also boil down to a combo of immaturity and misunderstanding. </p>
<p>Good luck to your daughter. I dealt with roommate drama + roommate’s parents’ drama myself. It was never great fun, but it always worked out in the end.</p>
<p>(BARRONS, sidenote: GREAT article. I forwarded it to my D who now works at a preschool, and a different friend who teaches autistic kids with inquiries on whether or not it is even relevant among autistic kids…very thought-provoking. Thank you.)</p>
<p>The extent of parental involvement here is ridiculous and inappropriate. I understand wanting to check on a third-hand report that one’s child is depressed, especially if there are some risk factors present, but even that got way out of hand.</p>
<p>This is the girls’ problem. It’s well within their competence, too. Neither mother should be talking to anyone but her own daughter – and it sounds like maybe there should be a little less of that on one side, and a little more of it on the other. No RCs, no Deans, and especially not to each other. One mother can’t control the other, but she can refuse to engage, and that would be a step in the right direction. Just say no. I wouldn’t even send a “good-bye” e-mail.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, I think Student615’s read sounds credible. It’s entirely possible that the girls have worked it out, with a little white lie to justify a room switch that has gotten blown way out of proportion. In any event, there’s nothing wrong with a room switch, as many have observed.</p>
<p>I’m among those who are astonished that the RM’s mother would get involved in this way. I’d also point out that–if I’ve followed the story correctly–you only have the RM’s mother’s word that the RM said your daughter was depressed and sleeping 16 hours a day. That may not be true–this woman sounds like a whack job.</p>
<p>Another scenario is this: the mother was all over her kid’s private life, and discovering that she was spending a lot of time away from her room demanded an explanation. The RM makes up a story to get mom off her back. Mom then goes nuts and starts emailing and calling everyone in sight.</p>
<p>You did the right thing by taking it seriously and checking on your D’s mental state. I’d wait until after exams before discussing it with her. I would not forward all of the emails to her: that would be magnifying the inapropriate behavior of RM’s mother. The girl doesn’t need to have her nosed rubbed in the fact that her mother is talking about her in this way to a comparative stranger. Seeing things in print about your D will only hurt your D’s feelings also. And I would not answer any more emails from her, either. Just call a halt. At most, reply by saying that you are sure the girls can work it out themselves. End of story.</p>
<p>To clarify, I certainly didn’t mean to incriminate the OP’s daughter! I just wanted to point out that there are a hundred different scenarios that could actually be playing out right now (at their roots, some of them even fairly innocent). Between the OP and her daughter, the RM and her mom, the RA, the RC, etc., it’s impossible to even make guesses as to what’s really going on. Best to limit the players ASAP. If the girls really can’t work it out between themselves, that’s a bridge that can be crossed when it’s reached.</p>
<p>ETA: Mental health concerns can be tricky, and the best way to address them varies from person to person (and family to family). Going straight to the source would absolutely not work with every child, or between every parent/child. The important thing, in the context of this thread, is that the OP feels confident re: her daughter’s health.</p>
<p>I think you did the right thing to check on your daughter’s mental health. I don’t think we as parents should ever overlook any clues to the possibility of a serious problem. But you have satisfied yourself about that, and so…</p>
<p>I agree with all of those who have said you should not engage any further with the mom.</p>
<p>Further, what would be the point of sharing all of the emails/info with your D? Most certainly, imo, it would be unwise to drag her into the morass while she is doing exams, but what would be the point anyway? Who cares what the mother thinks? So what if she has lied about your D to the aunts? What does that matter?</p>
<p>If she has lied about your D to the RA/RC… I am quite sure they are “considering the source.”</p>
<p>I go with the scenario of RM prefers to spend time with BF, falsely blames OP-daughter in order to get RM-mom off her back, helicoptering RM-mom goes ballistic with email. I do think its legit for OP to have investigated in the first place – if my kid were depressed or behaving oddly in any way that suggested possible mental health problems, I’d certainly want to know. But once having checked it out… I think it is important to cut things off with RM-mom. </p>
<p>I’d go with the “broken record” technique. A short email thanking RM mom for her concern, indicating that investigation has shown that OP-Daughter is fine & attending class on a regular basis, then commenting that this seems to be an issue best worked out between the RM’s on their own.. Then respond to every further email from RM Mom with the exact same short email. Eventually RM mom will get the message and realize that she can’t get the desired response, and she will take her manipulative ways elsewhere.</p>
<p>I agree with this part of Consolation’s post # 28
“Another scenario is this: the mother was all over her kid’s private life, and discovering that she was spending a lot of time away from her room demanded an explanation. The RM makes up a story to get mom off her back. Mom then goes nuts and starts emailing and calling everyone in sight.”</p>
<p>That was my first thought after reading that you were sure your daughter was not depressed and sleeping all day. The roommate is making excuses for why she spends all her time with her bf.</p>
<p>I’d email the mom one final time, tell your that you thank her for her concern, but that after a THOROUGH investigation you are sure that your D is just fine and not sleeping all day, and that whatever the reasons for her D’s dissatisfaction you are sure the 2 girls can work it out, and if she has any questions SHE should call the RC. (Let the RC be the one to tell her that her D’s bf is the problem.) Be sure she knows this is your final word to her on the subject. Any further contact from her should be met with “I’m letting the girls work it out, that’s what college is for.”</p>
<p>I agree that your D should be told the extent of the investigation and sooner rather than later, it’s best if if comes from you and she knows WHY it happened - based on the allegation from roommate’s mom and your concern and love. Also tell your D now that you know she’s fine, you’re staying out of it unless she needs someone to talk to/bounce ideas off of.</p>
<p>*** cross-posted with Calmom, who said exactly what I’m thinking, but with fewer words!</p>
<p>calmom – have you ever thought of writing an advice column? Very practical and cuts right to the chase advice. The broken record technique. I’ll try to remember that!</p>
<p>The more I think about this, the weirder it is. The mom, rather than holding her daughter accountable for her grades, would rather blame her daughter’s grades on her roommate’s depression which is forcing the poor girl to hang with the boyfriend. As if there are no other alternatives, even if the tale she were telling were true. The school doesn’t have a library? A lounge? The girl has no girlfriends? </p>
<p>What a bizarre train of thought. But don’t tell her that.</p>
<p>The mom may not necessarily be totally out of line. She may have contacted the OP because she genuinely felt that the OP’s daughter was in serious trouble. If this had been the case, all of us would be applauding her for notifying the OP in time.</p>
<p>If someone had heard that someone was seriously depressed (16-20 hours of sleep a day is a lot of sleep), yes, that person would be doing the right thing to try to let someone know what was going on, so that the person with the difficulty could be helped.</p>
<p>In this case, it doesn’t come across as a mom acting out of concern, because of the blaming, the name calling of her own daughter, etc., but you have a point.</p>
<p>It would be very difficult for most of us to make the leap to contact a roommate’s parent regarding a perceived probelm- even if the problem is non-existant- should merit a respectful response. It is a brave thing to do, to contact some one about their Ds problem- even if the real problem is her D, she was trying to do the right thing. </p>
<p>In the middle of all that, it seems to me that her making some negative comments about her own DD either means she is trying to not sound holier than thou in commenting about the other girl, or she knows her DD has some issues too.</p>
<p>After that initial comment, the rest of the behaviour is over the top and having had a DD in this type of situation, I say Calmom’s response is perfect; and get the heck out of that room!</p>
<p>I think calmom said it best. I must say, however, that the RM has a key to her own room. Even if OPs D is sleeping, why would that matter? How could you ask for a quieter studying space than your own dorm room with a sleeping roommate? This fiction was not well thought-out.</p>
<p>jjcddg - yes, I thought at first that she genuinely felt my D was in serious trouble. RM’s mom is in the health care field so I took her concern seriously. It wasn’t until the tone of her responses began escalating and the volume of lengthy emails increased to at least three a day that I realized this was really an issue between Roommate’s Mom and Roommate.</p>
<p>Like mstee I, too, thought it odd that RM’s mom essentially said her D had no choice, but to stay with her boyfriend which she stated was another issue. And the more emails that came the more the boyfriend was mentioned and the fact that RM’s mom was unhappy with RM’s declining grades.</p>
<p>And then I realized just like Lafalum84 if the RM is having issues with her mom about her grades she is not going to blame it on the boyfriend so who is left to blame without making it a boyfriend issue? Well, you already know the punch line.</p>
<p>I did email the RM’s mom and stated the two roommates needed to work things out themselves. And that is when the RM’s mom emailed me saying she had called and talked with the Residence Coordinator (RC) for their dorm. I did not respond to her email.</p>
<p>Jumping in here a bit late - It certainly sounds as tho the RM is trying to convince her mother that her grades issue is ‘‘because of’’ the OP’s DD - and is not taking responsibility for her own actions/issues - ie - spending way too much time with the b/f - it is all an excuse by the RM.</p>
<p>I would certainly be appreciative of concerns regarding my DD’s mental health status - and would respond in kind - but the rest of this is completely inappropriate and out of line - as far as the RM’s mother is concerned. A line has certainly been crossed by the RM and her mother. Yes - I agree that the OP’s DD should be made aware of the while scenerio (tho don’t really think sending her all the emails is necessary). If the OP feels comfortable and satisfied that her DD is ‘healthy’ and ok - that is what is important here - and the OP has taken some significant steps to assure herself.</p>
<p>I agree tho that the girls need to work this out themselves - and if they can’t it is certainly time for a roomie change. OP’s DD and the RM both have just as much to the room - so they need to come to some agreement and parents need to step aside - unless… the RM and her mother just insist on carrying this further. It is probably a very good thing that the RA/RC/dean/etc.. have been made aware and have been able to reassure the OP that her DD is ok - so that further issues can be managed accordingly.</p>
<p>In a sentence - RM needs to get a grip and take responsibility for her own actions - poor grades - b/f - mother - etc… and own up to her own short-comings. - OK in 2 sentences LOL - RM and her mother need to get a grip and get themselves on track - and leave the OP’s DD in peace :)</p>