<p>I have never, ever, gotten involved in roommate issues, but this one is a bit scary and I need to hear opinions.</p>
<p>My D is a senior at a large university in a very small department where everyone knows each other. She is rooming with one girl from her dept. in an off-campus apt. She was excited about rooming with this girl as she felt like they really connected, but it is not turning out well. </p>
<p>D now feels roomie is bi-polar or something similar. Roomie goes for weeks with tons of energy, lots of fun, little sleep, and then dives and sleeps all the time, doesn't go to class and doesn't leave the apt. She also binges and then purges-tries to hide it but D has walked in on her. She does'nt seem to have any lasting friendships and gets mad easily. Others are now saying they should have warned my D, so others have noticed. Roomie blames her behavior on my D and says it is because D ditches her and isn't a good friend, but D is so busy with school right now, she barely has time to sleep. Tonight, D had a group activity and told roomie that the group may go out afterward, but if not they could do something. She went home and told roomie the group was going to go out for a quick dinner, and roomie was welcome to come- roomie knows everyone. Roomie didn't answer and just stormed out. When D came home after dinner, roomie verbally attacked her, screaming at the top of her lungs with no warning. D tried to go in her room, telling roomie that she needed to calm down so they could talk about it in the morning. Roomie pushed the door open, continuing to scream, then shoved my D hard, knocking her down into a table. She then stood over her continuing to scream and saying some pretty threatening things. When she finally left, D locked her door and called me crying. I can tell she is scared- she is worried that, 1. roomie will hurt herself and 2. roomie will hurt her. Roomie is now pacing around apt and talking to herself. I told D to go spend the night with a friend, but she said it is late and she will keep her door locked and go to sleep. </p>
<p>I am not sure how to handle this. Roomie is from our general area, but I have only met the parents once. They are very nice, but roomie confided to D that Mom has serious depression issues. If it were me, I would want to know if my D were having these issues- I think she needs help. D is worried too but does not know what to do. I am also worried about safety. She is in a year long lease so is stuck there. Anyone here ever have anything like this and if so, any suggestions? Like I said, I would not normally get involved, but am worried about D's saftey. Help????</p>
<p>I agree with you that this situation has escalated to the point where parent involvement is warranted. Do you have contact information for the parents?</p>
<p>I do but don’t know how receptive they would be and don’t want to make things worse for my D. I would not contact them w/o her consent. D is very responsible and normally handles everything herself but I think she is at a loss this time. I just talked to her and she says roomie is asleep now so we are going to see what happens in the morning. I feel as if the parents really need to know- as their D has been away at school for so long, they may not be aware of the problem.</p>
<p>I don’t know the law in your D’s university area, but in NYC, the shoving and knocking her down into a table would theoretically be enough to file assault and battery charges against that Roomie. </p>
<p>She may also want to consider getting a restraining order against said roomie because she’s already demonstrated violent tendencies and get the college’s mental health staff involve pronto. Document everything related to this Roomie’s behavior and violent actions.</p>
<p>I think the first concern needs to be safety. Your daughter isn’t really safe here. People on an Internet forum can’t properly assess the level of threat the roomie might pose or what her mental status is, but clearly she did something that was a threat to your daughter’s physical safety. Honestly, I think your daughter needs to move out immediately and have some guys around when she is taking her stuff out. I think she should move out and then deal with all the legal issues and lease issues after the fact. Maybe the other girl would agree to move out and your daughter could get a different roommate. The landlord will make an effort to rent the unit and you might be responsible for a month or two of rent until he can do that. But you might luck out and he might get someone in there sooner. I think your daughter should go to the appropriate person at her school and communicate her concerns. It may be that this girl is not taking meds, or that she has recently become ill. But I think I’d go to the parents first because if you tell the school, etc. the roommate might blame your daughter. If there is another outburst, it really may become necessary to get a restraining order. This is a tough situation for all.</p>
<p>Scary. I agree with mimk6 that your D should handle it, rather than you. She should go to the school’s student health services. Neither of you should contact the roomie’s parents; that’s for the school to do.</p>
<p>If roomie continues to behave in a threatening manner, D should call the police, but let them know roomie appears to be mentally ill. Note (if she does turn out to be bipolar – your description certainly could fit) that the manic phase is a psychotic state, and roomie – at least last night – was a danger to others. A person can be involuntarily committed for 3-4 business days; longer if a judge agrees that the person is a danger to self or others. D should definitely speak to someone at the school – mental health services should be able to point her in the right direction if they can’t help directly. If you think the parents would be receptive, you can certainly call them, but if roomie is mentally ill, they may not be able to do any more than your D can to get roomie to seek medical care. Sorry for your daughter – what a tough situation!</p>
<p>Shoving and screaming at your DD is NOT okay. Even though it is a Sunday, she needs to call student health services. If they are not proactive, then the Dean. </p>
<p>Personally, I wouldn’t get involved until your daughter makes a few calls. It would be preferable for school officials to call her parents, but if not, that would be my next step. I’m sure the parents have lived with their daughter having such tantrums, but they could be defensive to your daughter.</p>
<p>What an awful situation. Others have given advice about roommate lease. I am afraid if your daughter leaves, no one will want to take her place, and you could be stuck with rent. If the rm/mt has a tantrum and harms your DD’s possessions, then police called. Others may know better if she should,call campus police or town police.</p>
<p>I don’t think she needs to wait to see if the roommate continues to behave in a threatening manner. She pushed her down. </p>
<p>What would you tell her to do if that was a boy she was living with?</p>
<p>Call the police. They live off campus. She can call the school if she wants, but it’s kind of like if they worked at the same company since they live off campus.</p>
<p>I would have your D call the health services and the dean to have the RM removed from the apartment asap. I would also have a restraining order, whether through school or police, for the RM. If the school is not helpful in removing the RM, then I would move my daughter to another place, even if it’s going to cost me extra money. My daughter’s safety would be my first concern. If your D is reluctant/afraid to call then I would get on the phone with her. This is not the time to say, “My kid is an adult, so I will let her handle it.” Do that part of it later if necessary, but have this resolved as soon as possible.</p>
<p>This is a rare occasion that I do agree with cobrat, it is assault and battery. The RM actually laid a hand on your D. I think I do agree with poetgrl, this maybe something you want to get the police involved because it is off campus.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone about getting the authorities involved, but please call her parents! One of the frustrating things about privacy is that the school will not let the parents know what is going on. You don’t have to be super specific. My friends daughter is bi-polar, and belive me, the parents want to know!</p>
<p>Just to clarify: I wasn’t suggesting waiting till this happens again. Others have suggested that OP’s D needs to get out of the situation ASAP, and I agree completely. But until that happens, if RM escalates, it would be safest for everyone involved if she called the police.</p>
<p>I would try to avoid involving police. Too potentially punitive, and even life-altering, for the roommate, and there are other resources available- a dean, health services, mental health center. Unless the roommie is actively suicidal, that is, in which 911/ambulance should be called.</p>
<p>Do you know what threatening things were actually said? Did they involve physical harm?</p>
<p>If things seem stable, the daughter could talk to the roommate in the morning and ask the roommate to go to mental health services herself, tell her that her behavior is of concern, and that she hopes to continue to room with her but only if the roommate gets help. She could offer to go with her, and help fill in details at the appointment- or she can call herself. </p>
<p>Privacy laws complicate things, but the daughter has a legal right to tell mental health services things. The mental health center just cannot give information to her.</p>
<p>If the roommate has bipolar disorder, or any other psychiatric condition, meds can potentially turn things around quickly and a brief hospitalization might be helpful if things are as bad as described. People with mental health conditions are not bad people: they have a health condition that needs treatment, and often treatment is quite effective.</p>
<p>I was in a somewhat similar situation to that of your D when I was an undergrad in college. My roommate I had signed up with for the school year received a settlement around Christmas for an injury he had suffered (he had expected the money but thought it would come much later) and then almost immediately bought a one bedroom condo and moved out. With a lease running through May, I felt pressure to find a new roommate quickly. My ex-roommate would continue to pay his portion as I looked, but we were friends and I felt the proper thing to do was to find someone else and let him off the hook as quickly as possible. So, from responses to my ad in the student newspaper, I chose a guy who seemed okay – a tall, nice-looking, well-spoken and well-groomed guy who claimed to be a good student and whose father was a professor at a medical school and whose mother was a psychiatrist. </p>
<p>The roommate relationship started smoothly but became progressively worse over the following weeks until it had reached the point where he would party, loudly, and do drugs all night with his druggie friends in our living room and would threaten my life when I complained, threats I took seriously because of his behavior (also because after he had moved in he informed me that he had been hospitalized before for mental health and drug issues). I just moved out mid-semester and continued to pay rent as that seemed the simplest and safest solution, if not the cheapest. I had considered calling the police, but I figured it was not unlikely that my roommate, given his condition, would retaliate against me or my property (mostly my car) with violence. </p>
<p>I tried to get the roommate’s father to reimburse me for that rent and for losing the security deposit for damage his son had caused, but his father told me that he let his son deal with his own problems. However, afterwards I realized that it could have been much worse if I had stayed, and I should not have been so concerned about the costs I did incur.</p>
<p>In short, given the risks of living with someone with serious mental health issues, moving out immediately may be the best alternative, even if your D ends up on the hook for the rest of the rent.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>The roomie is violent. Your D needs to file a police report. She also needs a safe place to stay. She may have to file a retraining order and she will want documentation of incidents. Your D should document any previous incidents that she can remember. Your D may be able to have the roomie evicted but it will probably cost you half the rent until you can get someone else in there. I would do it in a heartbeat but I don’t know your financial situation.</p></li>
<li><p>The roomie is having mental health issues. This is the hard part. If it were my child having issues I would want to know but some parents do not ever want to hear negative information about their child. The news should come from your D as she is an adult and she is the one living the nightmare. At any rate someone should know that this young lady is having problems. </p></li>
<li><p>The university needs to know. Having a police report may be handy. I am sure your D can find out how to help the roomie by making a few phone calls. If she is really busy with school maybe you can help her out with this.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>It sounds to me like your D is being adult about this and asking for advice from the people close to her. That is not the same thing as asking you to take care of this for her. It is fine for you to support her. You should be happy that you are the one she turns to for grown up advice.</p>
<p>Your daughter is in a financial arrangement with the girl to split housing expenses. She is not obligated to to be her friend, her therapist or her emotional support. The roomie is miffed that your daughter isnt all these things for her- well too bad.</p>
<p>If your daughter has a bf she could get him to explain this to her and that her flakiness is not going to be tolerated and the two should stay strictly apart for the rest of the month.</p>
<p>She should be out looking for a new living arrangement for the next semester. Like I said she didnt sign up to be someones therapist and this set up sounds like it is going to be a massive energy drain on her which could cause all sorts of academic and personal issues. </p>
<p>As far as the lease, its just money. You may want to look into what is necessary to get out of the lease- in some cases it can be an unsafe environment, perhaps substantiated by a police report. In any event it is worthwhile to talk to the land lord, they arent going to like to hear about this behavior and its entirely possible that they evict the roomie, offer you a buyout, or maybe they have other properties they would let your daughter switch into. </p>
<p>The other thing you should do now is some preplanning. Lockbox for your daughter’s room, and some kind of security door wedge. And plan out the local hotels now so you know where two or three are near her in case she needs to get out fast. In fact, if she only has a couple of days left and exams this semester you might consider having her do a Paper Chase and check into a hotel now.</p>
<p>The challenge is that the housing is an off-campus apartment, so the university may not be as helpful as they should be. Agree that your dau whould warn the roommate that this is absolutely unacceptable and should it ever occur again she will call the police and file charges is a good start. Not sure if its too late to file now for the past assault. </p>
<p>I agree with jym626. D should talk with the roommate and let her know that next time something like this happens, she will call the police and file charges. And then she should do it. If that happens, you should also contact the girl’s parents (the college will NOT do it). Since this is off campus housing, the college will not do anything.</p>
<p>If it continues to be a big problem and your daughter does not feel safe, then I think your D needs to take the financial hit and move out. If you can help her financially with this, you should. Her safety is more important than a few thousand dollars.</p>
<p>“Roomie pushed the door open, continuing to scream, then shoved my D hard, knocking her down into a table. She then stood over her continuing to scream and saying some pretty threatening things.”
This person is completely out of control and an immediate and real threat to your dtr, She should GET OUT. This person very easily could have continue the attack to a life threatening extent. No amount of money or inconvenience is worth taking a chance spending another minute trapped in an apt with a mentally unstable person.</p>