Roommate's BIG Issue - I want my boyfriend in the room

Parent Cafe
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<p>Last week I received a series of disturbing emails from the mother of my D's roommates. She told me she was going to request that her D be assigned to another room due to problems with my D. She said she had hesitated to contact me and finally decided to let me know there was an issue.</p>

<p>The issue she stated was that my D was depressed and sleeping 16 to 20 hours per day. This meant that the roommate had no access to their room and therefore the roommate was spending all her time at the boyfriend's room and roommate's grades were suffering. She also told me she was going to notify the Dean of Students about my D's "problem."</p>

<p>Now, this is happening in the middle of the first round of exams and papers for the semester.</p>

<p>I decided I would contact the Dean of Students myself to see if they could determine if there was an issue. They took the request very seriously - I told them the information came from the roommate's mom. After checking with her RA, RC, the Academic Dean and her electronic access card they determined there was no way she was sleeping so many hours and the staff they spoke with said she was going to classes, that they had held conversations with her, etc.</p>

<p>We also checked her telephone and bank records and again, there was no way she was sleeping so much.</p>

<p>So, I notify the roommate's mom that there is no evidence to her allegation that my D is depressed and sleeping all the time.</p>

<p>The next email - by this time there are more that half a dozen all saying the say thing about sleeping and depression and how my D is getting worse - was that the roommate's mom had called the RC to mediate.</p>

<p>I contacted the RC, also, just to let them know the Roommate's Mom has already made unfounded allegations as I thought it was a good possibility she had brought up the depression and sleeping allegation again.</p>

<p>Now, the RC, after a prolonged conversation told me that the roommate's big issue is that the roommate wants to be able to spend more time in her shared dorm room with her boyfriend and would that make my D uncomfortable?</p>

<p>The roommate's mom expressed concern to me that the roommate was already spending way too much time with her boyfriend. Her daughter had said she couldn't spend time in her own dorm room as my D was sleeping all the time so she had to spend the time at her boyfriend's room.</p>

<p>At this point I have no idea what to do - my D thinks everything is fine with her roommate and she is in the middle of taking exams and writing papers!</p>

<p>Should I contact the roommate's mom and tell her that from my conversation with the RC that the BIG issue her daughter has is a boyfriend one and is about how much time the boyfriend can spend in their room? This mom and roommate talk almost everyday and the parents visit their daughter anywhere from two to four times a month.</p>

<p>It appears the roommate has manipulated the information she gave her mom saying the reason her grades are suffering was because she could not access her room due to my D's sleeping all the time. She has actually been spending all her time with her boyfriend in his room. Guess the time has come when the boyfriend's roommate has gotten tired of it and now they need to switch their activities to the girl's room.</p>

<p>Advice wanted - what to tell the roommate's mom, if anything. I am going to tell my D not to let the boyfriend become a third roommate.</p>

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<p>Having been involved in many more “she said, she said” dramas than I care to remember, my suggestion would be to call your d, be certain she knows what the roommate/her mom have said about this situation - and then tell her that you are there to be a listening ear, but that you’re happy to let her handle it herself. I would then call or email the roommate’s mom and tell her that you’re satisfied that your d and her d can work this out for themselves, and that you are out of it. Good-bye (forever, one hopes).</p>

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<p>If it were me, I’d contact the mother in writing and list the actions I took based on her information and what I learned from official sources. I’d then politely tell her that were she to contact school authorities with erroneous information about my daughter, I would take all appropriate action to protect my daughter, and then do what frazzled said, close out with my intention to allow the students to work it out as long as the other mother dealt with her own dishonest kid and left mine alone.</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t tell the mom anything unless it included a recommendation that her daughter (scheming little *) be allowed to find a new roommate somewhere else. </p>

<p>Does your DD know about all the checking and people involved in this? My DDs would kill me if all of this had gone on behind her back.</p>

<p>If you haven’t spoken with your DD, you should. SHE needs to work this out with the RM. </p>

<p>And, I’m stunned that the RC would be so open as to tell you about the issue of the bf from the roommate’s conversation with her.</p>

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<p>WestCoast, I feel for you! Maybe the best thing would be for the roommate switch request to go through? The roommate is a liar, her parents sound overbearing & a bit kooky. Visiting that often? Getting so involved in the roommate issue, while blind to evidence of the lies? I don’t think your D, who sounds as if she’s thriving, should have to be kicked out of her room while the roommate romps with the bf. It IS time that she know the situation that is being created, how the roommate & her parents are really crossing the line & telling serious lies about her mental health to the Dean of Students. You’ve already had to bring your D’s Academic Dean and RA into the situation, which if really a shame. I hope all involved know the roommate has concocted this story. I’d be looking forward to have my D get away from this nutty family.</p>

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<p>I second frazzled1 suggestion. Well said.</p>

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<p>2cakes, I agree that my D would be furious about the checking. But the anger would be placed on the roommate & family who set it in motion. They made a serious claim about a mental health problem that couldn’t be ignored. It had to be investigated. I don’t see how the roommates can just patch this up & continue living together. TIme for a change.</p>

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<p>Hmmm. Here you are dealing with two manipulative people here, the roommate and the roommate’s mom. Proceed with caution. You do need to talk to your daughter and let her know what is going on. And to bring up the subject of a possible roommate switch. </p>

<p>Otherwise, you might consider sending <em>A very nice e-mail</em> to the other mom, thanking the other mom for sharing her concern about your daughter’s well being with you. You could let her know that you have had some people at the college check into the situation, and have been reassured that there every indication is that your daughter is doing fine and not sleeping 16-20 hours today, but that you have talked to your daughter and are keeping close tabs on the situation just to make sure she is okay. </p>

<p>I might just leave it there for now. Getting more involved in the roommate/boyfriend drama – well, the moms really shouldn’t be involved in that, should they? Do you know this woman well enough to be discussing that with her? Do you know the boyfriend? I don’t know, seems like a can of worms opening here . . .</p>

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<p>Sticker: If I had received an email from DDs RM’s mom, I would have forwarded to my DD and followed with a call to DD to verify the situation and DD’s THEN I would respond to the RM’s mom. “Trust, but verify”. </p>

<p>For my DD to think that I would go off on a witch hunt to check out her mental health without checking with her first, would be reason enough for anger towards all involved, including me. </p>

<p>And definitely, they will not be able to patch this up. I must have deleted the part the read “work it out and then help her pack and move” !! </p>

<p>(“working it out” meaning "find out why RM felt the need to throw the other into the blades of her mom’s copter with a false mental health issue when it was really a bf issue? With friends like this…)</p>

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<p>Agree with mstee. Disengage from the other mom. But also do let the other Mom know in no uncertain terms that you do not need her further interference with any school officials and you are encouraging your d to work any issues out with the roommate directly.</p>

<p>That said you need to let your d take care of it. Listen to your own d and support her in her decision as to what actions to take.</p>

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<p>If your D were mine, I would make sure that my D were not upset during finals. I would triple check that my daughter’s mental health is truly okay. Assuming that it is, I would discuss all the details after tests dates are over and then encourage her to go to residence life and find new living arrangements. This roommate seems to be manipulative, she lies, and she seems to be spreading rumors about your daughter. At times like this I am so happy to have sons :D</p>

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<p>WCM - You have done your due diligence. Good for you. I’d say your D’s in the clear, and IMHO you should be also. I agree with mstee’s approach to accomplishing that.</p>

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<p>2cakes - yes, I was surprised that the RC revealed what the roommate said, but it was the RC who actually did most of the investigation into the allegations by the roommate’s mom. I think the RC thought I needed to know what the REAL issue was.</p>

<p>zoosermom - after I received confirmation from the school I did email the mom telling her there was no evidence that my D was sleeping the amount of hours that were alleged by the roommate. She then told me that the girls should work at the issue themselves. The next thing I know she informs me she has contacted the RC.</p>

<p>StickerShock - yes, I fully intend to let me D know all the stuff that has gone on after her last exam is over. I think she needs to know that the roommate has been using her as a scapegoat to deflect attention away from the fact that the boyfriend is the real issue.</p>

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<p>I meant “sleeping 16-20 hours <em>a day</em>, not <em>today</em>”, of course – I hate when I miss things like that – too late to edit . . . the mom sounds a little kooky/overinvolved. I hate to say this, but I can see why the daughter is not being truthful to her.</p>

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<p>“zoosermom - after I received confirmation from the school I did email the mom telling her there was no evidence that my D was sleeping the amount of hours that were alleged by the roommate. She then told me that the girls should work at the issue themselves. The next thing I know she informs me she has contacted the RC”</p>

<p>Oy vey. What a whack job. I can be a smart-alec sometimes and I know that under those circumstances I’d go off on the woman about not wanting me or my daughter involved in her daughter’s sex life.<br>
Seriously, though, will your daughter be upset with you if she finds out that a bunch of people know about this and she doesn’t? Good luck anyway – I bet you can’t wait for the semester to end.</p>

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<p>Parents are reaping what they have sown. Goofy kids who can’t handle a problem. NPR had a good story on this today.</p>

<p>[NPR:</a> Old-Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills](<a href=“http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19212514]NPR:”>Old-Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills : NPR)</p>

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<p>northeastmom - I did triple check my D’s mental health. There were two deaths in 2007 that affected her deeply - one of a high school classmate (suicide) and one of a family member (over 80) so I was concerned. And it would not surprise me if the RM used this information to convince her mother that my D was depressed.</p>

<p>mstee - you are right - these two are manipulative. The RM has been telling lies about my D to her aunts, her mother and who knows how many people at the University.</p>

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<p>Sounds like the other family is a real piece of work… the fact that the roommate’s mom seems to be doing all these things in the first place strikes me as odd, obviously the cord has not yet been cut. </p>

<p>Sounds like a roommate switch is likely the best option anyway.</p>

<p>I agree that your daughter should know what’s been going on. She’ll find out sooner or later so better sooner and better from you.</p>

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<p>I would forward all of the email exchanges with your daughter’s roommate’s mother (wow) to your daughter so that she understands what has transpired. Then I would ask my daughter if she wants my assistance dealing with the situation. I would ask my daughter to make sure the RC has discussed the real issue with the Dean of Students, and I would advise my daughter to follow up with the Dean of Students to make sure everyone is on the same page. Then I’d advise my daughter to ignore the drama, and I would do the same. This sounds like a problem the roommate and her mother need to work out between themselves.</p>

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<p>That is a great NPR article, it’s going into the save file.</p>