S leaving in 3 days; I was fine until today

Parents Forum
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<p>The mantra at our house is “we don’t talk about it.” When we are out, and someone asks about D leaving, I inevitably tear up, so “we don’t talk about it.” Actually we do talk about it, because pretty much everyone in our city knows her and is excited for her opportunity to attend Tisch at NYU. She has been an actress in our community theatre for years, and because of some other activities is extremely well known. Like everyone else, I am proud of her…but know it’s going to be like all the air left the room when she is gone.</p>

<p>She is the third of three, and 10 years younger than #2. When #1 S (now 30) left for the Navy at age 18, I cried for months. Then I had two more still at home, plus a husband. I know her leaving for college should not be quite as traumatic, but it is. We have been extremely close, especially since her dad and I divorced a few years ago. Can’t wait for parents weekend in October!</p>

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<p>So now you plan your first care package party with your friends. You all get together and each person brings enough items for the number of moms attending. A Halloween theme is good.</p>

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<p>^^^ That’s a really fun idea!</p>

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<p>And oh, so comforting. I invited my Girl Scout troop moms from many years ago.</p>

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<p>What surprised me when our first child left was that the whole summer was difficult-- emotionally charged, peaks and valleys of navigating through dorm prep/packing, sayig goodbyes to friends, etc. I expected to fall apart (tend to the teary type though not normally outwardly overly affectionate) when we actually were leaving our oldest at the dorm. Turns out the anticipation of the leaving got me more than the actual goodbye.</p>

<p>In other words, I was the most emotional prior to that last hug. As a matter of fact, I cried (very quietly and underneath sunglasses) for 800 miles on the road to the college and of course it was barely noticed. By the time the excitement of unloading, organizing and last minute preparions of move-in were done, that last goodbye was a bit anti-climactic. </p>

<p>So, while I had a few momentary bouts of teary for a couple weeks afterward, the hardest part for me was during the build up. It’s really different for everyone and honestly, what I learned is to focus on developing better coping skills during senior year and the last summer home. I did much better for kid #2 a year later. And knew what to expect of my emotions.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your support and I’m glad you are using this thread as a chance to post your own trials as well. I’m having a better day today. But fully understand that tomorrow could mean another steep dip on this roller coaster. It probably doesn’t help that his 16 year old brother is getting his drivers license at the exact same time and in a way we feel like he’s taking a step out of the nest too.</p>

<p>Thank goodness for CC. In the short amount of time I’ve been here I’ve been able to vent and get and give advice and it’s really meant a lot.</p>

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<p>About 2 - 3 weeks after my oldest left for college, I hosted a “Semi-Empty Nest” party. I invited 4 couples whose sons were friends with my son over for dessert and wine. We chatted and laughed about their experiences in hs, the move-in experience in college, how we were coping… then gradually the conversation moved into our own lives, our work, etc. We had such a good time that we’ve gotten together several times a year for the last 3 years. I found it to be really helpful.</p>

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<p>Last out the door is usually harder than first out the door so … buck up. </p>

<p>In our case, last out the door is truly ready to go and we’re truly ready for him to go … so all smiles here. How it is in a few months from now … time will tell.</p>

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<p>My son and I are boarding a plane on Tuesday to fly from California to Pennsylvania. Wednesday we plan on shopping and then Thursday is move in day. I’ll be flying home alone on Friday. I wish my husband was going with me because I’m sure I’ll be a mess after I say goodbye on Thursday, unfortunately our youngest has already started back in high school so he’ll be staying with him. I think this week it’s started to seem real for my son as a lot of his friends are leaving. Fortunately the whole family is going back for family weekend in October after that we won’t see him until Winter Break. :(</p>

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<p>One of my most cherished memories is watching a father say goodbye to his daughter on move in day when we dropped my elder child off freshman year. I didn’t know these people, but I happened to glance over just as the dad held his daughter’s face in his hands and looked deeply into her eyes for a few precious moments. No words were needed. And then they hugged. He turned and left; she turned and went into the dorm room. Blessings to all!</p>

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<p>If you’ve made it this far, give yourself a LOT of credit!! My rising Sr. has one foot out the door and I’m finding it very difficult. Tears come at the oddest times. He hugs me, rolls his eyes and says ‘Not again, please Mom! We’ve got another year.’ My rising freshman sees the writing on the wall and is petrified at being the sole focus of attention (his brother was kind enough to point this out). He is begging me to adopt a puppy…</p>

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<p>My favorite parental comfort story is a friend who told me he would hear his wife in the kitchen crying and saying, “He’s not dead, he’s just at college.” over and over again.</p>

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<p>We are driving out “last out the door” to school tomorrow. He moves in on Saturday and the university is 8 hours from home. My other two are both in college and only an hour away. I feel prepared to deal with a child going away to college. It’s the distance that is bothering me. I’ve been teary and as we start to pack, it’s getting tougher. I raised my birds to leave the nest, but it is so very, very difficult for me as the start to fly away… Hugs to everyone in this position this weekend and through the month to come. Hang in there everyone.</p>

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<p>Shoot! I was doing fine until I started reading this thread. S is flying out Sept. 5 to NYU Abu Dhabi - so not next door. D studies about 1 hr away, but has to work next to study this year, so she will not be home a lot.
Preparations for leaving S have been involved, between shots, visas, and clothing. His dorm comes with sheets, towels, etc - so not much decorating to prepare other than pictures. Since most of his friends leave this week we had a goodbye party for 50 last week.
I was doing fine, and now suddenly … yikes!</p>

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<p>Our eldest D just graduated from college in May, D2 is a rising junior, and S is a junior in HS. Four years ago, we were at the same place you all were. And like some of you, our whole lives after age 30 had revolved around child-rearing and family. We were also frugal, simple-living people who had saved and delayed gratification our entire lives. </p>

<p>So for the last four years, we’ve been hitting those bank accounts pretty hard - and it’s been great! The two Ds both attend(ed) the same university, 1,100 miles from home. GAmom and I have been there to visit ten times (we flew nine of those times). We know the campus and town better than any place other than those towns in which we’ve lived. We’ve done it all on campus with our daughters, and we’ve had the pretty full off-campus experience too. We’ve eaten at all the campus hangouts and cruised the frequented pubs. We’ve learned enough to lead tours for the Admissions Office.</p>

<p>When we visit, we take the whole suite of friends and roommates out to dinner. It costs a lot, but heck - what were we saving for throughout all those frugal years? I read the online campus paper religiously. I ask the kids about the speakers and performers who are coming or have come to campus. I ask who they’re voting for in the campus elections. We attend performing arts events on campus whether our kids are in them or not. I eat at the House dining hall when we visit. In short, GAmom and I do the college experience as much as possible, so that we’ve got some degree of a shared frame of reference with our kids. And obviously, it’s a blast.</p>

<p>Skype is a great tool - your student can see you on the laptop screen, pick up the laptop to scan the dorm room, introduce you to friends, etc. Invest in unlimited calling plans for your student’s long walks from on class to another. This summer, after D1 graduated, we took the family to Europe. Unbelievably expensive, and once again, if we weren’t saving for this all those years, then what? More shared experiences with our budding adults. </p>

<p>This isn’t helicoptering; it’s more like flying in the same formation. And by living through this separation with them gradually, it hasn’t hit us like a load of bricks. We’ve adjusted to the new forms of connection. D1 is at a job interview 3,000 miles away today, and I was impressed to hear that GAmom’s not dismayed at that. </p>

<p>Now for the caveats. I do miss having “kids.” They come back from college as young adults, and it changes the dynamics. It’s not changed for the worse, it’s just different. Mom and Dad are no longer the authorities, and that takes some readjustment. Also, freshman move-in is a thrill, but for the student, the thrill just crescendos over the following weeks. For Mom and Dad it lands with a thud when they get back home. Get prepared for that and start bringing up the campus newspaper on your computer.</p>

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<p>My oldest daughter heads out on Monday. I do get weepy, and I’m amazed at how fast the time went by. My sanity has been saved by hearing of a couple of her classmates who had their acceptances revoked, due to poor grades senior year. We have worked so hard getting her to where she is right now. This is a milestone, and it’s hard, but I’m so proud of what she has accomplished.</p>

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<p>In the Fall of 1999 my first went away, but it was only a 2.5hr drive. Two days before, at the dinner table, I asked son what time he wanted to leave, so his sister and I could be sure to be back from our outing so we could all go together (4 total). He was incredulous. Both he and H said they had just assumed it would only be me and son going! I was peeved, D disappointed. PLEASE, if it’s a drive, have at least 2 people in the vehicle on the way back. I was alone, and can’t tell you how many times I had to pull over because I was crying so much and literally couldn’t see through the tears. THis was the son who told us at the age of 16 that when he graduated from college he was moving to Europe. He did, and will be married over there next year.</p>

<p>D and I drove 1200 miles two weeks ago to move her in to her apartment for her last year of college. I flew back. We both cried at the airport. She studied abroad in two different countries last year, then stayed in the second country longer, for an internship. In February she informed her Dad and me that after UG she plans to move to that country, and has already gotten a job offer that has until May 1 to give an answer. It’s the same country her brother lives in, the one their father was born in and lived in until he came over here to marry me.</p>

<p>We have four more years to work. Guess where we will retire?</p>

<p>We visited both schools often. This year I plan to be there a lot. And, yes, Skype has served us well.</p>

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<p>LOL - gadad, I just subscribed to the campus paper - coming right into my email box. ;-)</p>

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<p>“In February she informed her Dad and me that after UG she plans to move to that country…”</p>

<p>I know this is going to be me in a couple of years.</p>

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<p>Umm, folks, I know you are upset. I know you are here for words of comfort and to be with like minded people – but </p>

<p>You aren’t sending the kid to war.
You are lucky the kid is going to college.
It is highly likely that the kid will be back after college (one on line article mentioned that 80% this year’s college graduates were back home – sorry, no link. It did sound high to me). </p>

<p>So, consider the next few weeks as the only laundry holiday you are going to get!</p>

<p>Yes, I do get nostalgic and sad (we are about to launch S2 into college and he is my baby). But there’s no way I am raining on his parade with a bunch of tears and hand wringing. It seems . . . self serving . . . and would make the process about Me instead of Him. </p>

<p>If I really loose it and feel lost and without a baby to love, then I’ll warn my husband that sixty bucks is about to come out of checking. That’s what it costs to adopt a pooch out of the local animal shelter. There’s those out there who are aching to be loved. I can put my aching to good use . . .</p>