SAT essay advice and please score my essay!!!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi, I will be taking the SATs this January and I have been writing a lot of practice essays.
Below is one of my essays. If people can please score my essay and give general ideas for improvement, it would be greatly appreciated! (I wrote this essay in 20 minutes)</p>

<p>Prompt: Should people take more individual responsibility to solve problems that affect their communities or the nation? </p>

<p>Many people believe that the government should do more to solve our problems. People often believe that one individual cannot impact society or come up with solutions to society's ills. Thus, people often look towards the government to improve society. However, people should take more individual responsibility to solve problems that affect their communities or the national in general because the government can fail to improve society and in the end, itis the individual that can make the greatest difference. </p>

<p>For instance, during the 1900s, Rwanda was experiencing a brutal civil war. Rwanda was split into two warring factions and their government was in shambles. When Rwanda pleaded for the United States government to intervene, we sent in the United Nation troops and then proceeded to turn a blind eye to the atrocities occurring in Rwanda. The United Nation troops are not allowed to use weapons unless they are attacked first. Thus, they were not very efficient in stopping the massacre occurring in Rwanda. Unfortunately, the United Nations and the United States were unable to help Rwanda. It was during this crisis that a bravel hotel owner in Rwanda stepped up and used his hotel to shelter and hide hundreds of Twandan refugees, at the risk of his own life. This courageous individual took responsibility to solve problems that was affecting his nation because his government was unable to solve these problems. He was ultimately able to save hundreds of refugees from death due to his willingness to take responsibility. </p>

<p>As another example, during the late 1800s, the United States experienced an economic downturn. Numerous banks were going bankrupt. During this time period, the government was not powerful enough and did not have enough money to stop this recession. However, J.P. Morgan took responsibility of this problem and used his money to bail out the banks. Without J.P. Morgan, this economic recession could have turned into another Great Depression. However, due to the actions of one individual who was willing to solve a problem that was affecting his nation, the recession ended and the economy became stable again.</p>

<p>People often look towards the government to solve all their problems. However, sometimes the government is unable to solve the problem and it is up to the individual to take responsibility of the problem. In the end, individual people should take more responsibility to solve problems that affect their nation because it is often the individual that can create the greatest meaningful change.</p>

2

<p>I dont like your opening- it looks like just a restatement of the quote that goes with this prompt. </p>

<p>I like the Rwanda section but it cant possibly be 1900 because the UN wasnt around then. You also have a relatively weak thesis in response to the prompt- it would be better if you took the position that governments have to have some many one-size-fits-all regulations that they cant possibly have the most effective solutions to every problem. Then you could contrast the troops hamstrung by UN policy to the nimble hotel owner. </p>

<p>I like the second example too but I think you are referring to the Panic of 1907 not anything in the 1800’s. It is a fresh example that I am sure the graders arent sick to death of (like Rosa Parks) and I think it very well demonstrates your point. Once again if you had a more pointed thesis you would have benefited. The phrase “another Great Depression” is unfortunate because the Great Depression wasnt until the end of the 1920’s.</p>

<p>The conclusion is weak. See how mushy this sentence is: " However, sometimes the government is unable to solve the problem and it is up to the individual to take responsibility of the problem. " I would have much preferred if you had been specific about which types of problems governments are ill-equipped to handle. And in the conclusion you should reference back to your examples and say that they prove your thesis. </p>

<p>Overall I think this is a 4. The biggest areas to strengthen is a firm thesis you can buttress with your examples.</p>

3

<p>Argbargy, I think Aria meant in the 20th century, not specifically the year 1900.</p>

<p>OP, from what I can tell, it looks decent overall. I only briefly skimmed it for a minute or so, but it seems pretty solid. Your format is a little atypical for SAT essays, mainly since your intro is decently long. I’d probably give you a 4 (out of 6) also simply because of the “quantity over quality” phenomenon. If you fill up the two pages and your writing is legible, it’s hard not to get at least a three.</p>