Could anyone grade my essay?

<p>Many people believe that our government should do more to solve our problems. After all, how can one individual create more jobs or make roads safer to improve the schools or help to provide any of the other benefits that we have come to enjoy? And yet expecting that the government-rather than individuals-should always come up with the solutions to society's ills may have made us less self-reliant, undermining our independence and self-sufficiency.</p>

<p>Assignment: Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general? plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>Since the United States was established as a sovereign nation by the Treaty of Paris in 1783, it has been ridden with various problems, varying in range from the community, the nation, and even the world. Many people look to the government to solve all of these problems, and in some cases, this stance works effectively. However, it if a flawed idea, because if people are unwilling to help their communities and nation on their own accord, then society is doomed to failure.</p>

<p>When Hurricane Katrina struck Louisiana, there was no limit to the amount of help that was needed. The federal government could send in the national guard, but there was only so much they could do. Meanwhile, I was a member of the Boy Scouts, and we were able to sponser (SP) a trip to go to Louisiana and try to help. My parents and I, along with several other Boy Scouts and their families, went down to Louisiana to help build houses for people who had lost their houses in the hurricane. Helping out was an incredibly rewarding experience, especially when we were thanked by the people for whom we were building the houses. From that experience I learned that with initiative, individual people truly can help.</p>

<p>An excellent example from the history of the United States of how individual people can make a difference is present in the Civil Rights movement of the 1960's. Although the Civil War had ended a century prior, Jim Crow laws in the south left many African Americans in dire poverty without the education to receive well paying jobs. Many new groups emerged in the 1960's however, to counter this. One leading figure of the movement for Civil Rights was Martin Luther King, who led many peaceful marches to raise awareness to the government and many other people in the country of the conditions he and other African Americans were facing. His "I have a dream" speech in 1964 struck the heartstrings of many Americans and finally prompted Lyndon B. Johnson to begin Civil Rights legislation for the first time since the 1860's.</p>

<p>Although individuals have a responsibility to their community, the government is necessary to reform in some cases. An excellent example is the Great Depression, during which there were so many people suffering from poverty or unemployment that social work was a major difficulty. In order for the economy to improve, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt had to pass many bills to create jobs and improve living conditions. His assistance to the economy helped the United States get out of the depression by the end of his office.</p>

<p>Overall, while the government certainly has a role in improving social conditions and addressing the problems of the nation, reform will be implausable (SP) without the willingness to help from the people. The history of the United States proves time and time again that one man truly can make a difference.</p>

<p>Wow, when I wrote this I thought it was a well written essay, looking back on it not so much</p>

<p>Comments? Please and thank you</p>

<p>could someone please give me feedback?</p>

<p>From a content and flow perspective it’s an excellent essay. The examples are well thought through and well presented. The essay is readable, interesting and convincing.</p>

<p>The only weaknesses are the occasional grammar errors, choice of words, and phrasing. But for a 25 minute drift that’s not a major negative.</p>

<p>What score do you think it could receive out of 12? Thanks</p>

<p>And yeah, word choice has never been one of my strengths</p>

<p>any other comments?</p>

<p>could someone please give me some feedback for tomorrow?</p>

<p>to anybody: If you grade my essay, I’ll grade yours</p>

<p>I would probably give it a 4+/5- out of 6, of course. Generally, your writing is coherent, but lacks finesse in phrasing. For example, “An excellent example from the history of the United States of how individual people can make a difference is present” is unnecessarily long. I personally would have wrote something along the lines of “(example) is also an excellent example of how people can benefit from intra-communal action/work/whatever”. Also, “Since the United States was established as a sovereign nation by the Treaty of Paris in 1783” the information about the Treaty of Paris in 1783 is not pertinent to the essay topic. Stating “Since the United States’s establishment as a sovereign nation,…” would suffice. Overall, tightening up your sentence structures and filtering out unimportant information would definitely get you a higher score!</p>