Hi, I just answered a past SAT essay prompt to help me practice for the January 24th SAT. Could someone review it and give me a possible grade out of 12 and then indicate why they gave that grade. Thanks in advance.
Prompt: What motivates people to change?
Change is necessary for innovation and improvement. However, many individuals today are more comfortable assuming the norms of their respective societies than taking the risk of being different and embracing their own originality. Few are willing to risk their reputations and their approval to think freely and spontaneously, but when they do major change can be effected. Thus change is derived from the intrinsic creativity of individuals, and only when it is embraced can people and things change in any major way. Ralph Waldo Emerson epitomizes this notion through an analogy in his esteemed essay “Self-Reliance.”
In this work, Emerson emphasizes the importance of the individual for inspiration and originality. He says that it is this originality that leads to influential change in society. He maintains, however, that the pressures to fit in a conforming society often suppress this originality. This idea is illustrated in a specific analogy where Emerson compares society to a joint-stock company. He describes, “Society is a joint stock company, in which the members agree, for the better securing of his bread to each shareholder, to surrender the liberty and culture of the eater.” This analogy concedes that, in society, one often has to suppress his thoughts to achieve a position of comfort and approval. The overwhelming fear of being different in a conforming society is not worth the risk for an individual who would rather live in a world of complacency and simply “earn his portion.” This flawed trade off of originality for approval in society hinders advancement and innovation because it is this originality that effects influential change. Only when an individual has the courage and conviction to stand out people and things change in a major way.
This notion of Emerson’s was visionary in that much of the great change even today was accomplished by people who were not afraid to think outside the box or be different. Steve Jobs, the former CEO of Apple Computers, embodies how not being afraid to speak out one’s own beliefs can lead to successful change. After building some of the first computers ever, Steve Jobs was ousted from his own company in part for being so spontaneous and unconventional. He did not give up, but rather embraced his own creativity and would eventually create influential products such as the IMac.
Probably a 9, but a 10 or 11 with proper structure. The main problem is the paragraphing. The Emerson example should be 1 or 2 separate paragraphs. Probably should have a conclusion paragraph.
@sattut Is it common for you to get an odd grade such as 9 or 11? I thought the readers usually had consensus and so you would usually get a grade that was even…
@vmiller7723
Definitely not uncommon in my experience. Both times I took the test, I got an odd number (9 then 11).
Diction: 3, “effected.”
Grammar: 2 Several grammar mistakes.
Thesis: 3, perhaps influenced by organization, it is somewhat harder to spot your thesis, and the thesis itself is not very strong.
Supporting Details: 4, not sure whether you had those quotes memorized.
Organization:2, straight off, 2 paragraphs is not good. I don’t even need to look at anything else regarding organization.
Overall, about a 4-6/12. No idea why @sattut would give you a 9-11 because the essay definitely does not deserve such a high score. You need a conclusion; you need to separate the introduction from the first example; and ideally, you would have 3 examples. Steve Jobs example is undeveloped, and essay overall is not long enough.
@CHD2013
Multiple unofficial SAT essay rubrics used by at least two tutoring companies list 5 paragraphs as a semi-requirement for a score of 6. Do you have any evidence to the contrary?
Furthermore, at least in my experience, English teachers generally encourage students to separate the paragraphs based on topics. The OP has combined his introduction with his 1st example. Without changing his essay much, it could easily be 3 paragraphs. Are you really going to argue differently?
Well your comment is a little confusing because the OP has a 3 paragraph essay. The essay has two examples. It has a lot of problems, but its not two paragraphs. So I’m not sure if you’re arguing against 2 examples or if you interpreted the essay as two paragraphs overall.
You definitely mention that 3 examples are needed. I disagree. I’ve seen plenty of excellent 4 paragraph essays. I think it can be easier to make a persuasive argument exhibiting strong analysis when there is more room than would be allowed by 3 support paragraphs.
Bottom line, I don’t have an issue with the 3 example essay but I think the comment I quoted above would be extreme and inaccurate if you are referring to 2 example paragraphs. If you mean the whole essay should be more than 2 paragraphs then I wholeheartedly agree.
@CHD2013
I clearly meant the OP has a 2 paragraph essay, which he technically does.
The OP only separates the essay into 2 clear paragraphs, and this is a very important point for the SAT. The reader does not have a lot of time to check your paragraphs, so many only check clear markings for each paragraph. I do see the introduction and first example as I am reading, but SAT readers don’t have as much time as I do. You want to make this easier for the readers, not harder.
I have also seen plenty of great 4 paragraph essays, and I know that many people believe it is good enough. I don’t bother to argue that point because you can write a great 12 point 4 paragraph essay. However, the rubric many tutors use and in my own experience, a 5 paragraph essay is better. At the very least, it is safer.
He has a 3 paragraph essay that he hasn’t formatted correctly. Readers are not going to bother looking for the separation and will mark it down. In any case, even with proper formatting, that essay does not deserve a 9. What was your reasoning behind that?
@Woandering My tutor who has graded hundreds of essays said even with the structure it shows complexity and could get any lower than a 9. he showed me samples of essays that got 8s that were terribly written despite decent structure.
I honestly do not care. It is your essay, and I’m giving my feedback. Take it as you will, but I believe your tutor has either been lying to you or is seriously confused. I stand by my original criticisms.
In any case, if you have a tutor who can grade essays, why have you brought it to CC? Just get your tutor to grade it, where you’ll probably get results you are happier with.
EDIT: And by the way, my tutor, who is also a SAT essay reader, has given me 8s on essays written better than yours. I am following his grading guideline.
I’m also curious how you used quotes in your essay. Did you memorize them?
My judgement is this is a 9 essay, and I can’t imagine how it could not be between 8 and 10. As OP indicated, there are really bad essays written. This essay has problems with grammar, paragraphing, and length. However, it does a lot of things right. I am mainly a math tutor though, and not an essay expert.
@sattut
If this essay did nothing right, it would deserve a 2. I cannot imagine how anyone with any experience with SAT can believe this deserves a 9.
@Woandering I am not trying to say I’m a better writer than you or anything but just seeing how you ended a sentence with a preposition (“with”) indicates you may not be the most informed or qualified grader.
but thats besides the point. Even though my essay clearly has some faults, here is an example of a 3 essay from the collegeboard… Look at this guys writing ability…
The point of making mistakes is to learn from them. If you don’t learn from what you do wrong, then making mistakes has no silver lining, it is purely bad. I have come to believe this through personal experience and watching others.
When climbing the “ladder of success,” each step gets you closer to the top. Therefore each step is a mistake that you learned from, a good decision, or even a stroke of luck. How could a person climb that ladder without each and every wooden rung to help them? I am human, therefor, far from perfect, I make mistakes all of the time and I am a better person because of that. You could almost say that the more mistakes a person makes, the stronger a person they are, assuming of course that they learn from them.
As a child I stole cookies from the cookie jar, lied to my parents (still happens every once in awhile), and played tricks on my brothers. I, in turn, got in trouble with my parents and was punished. After that I learned that those things aren’t okay. Now I tend to make different mistakes, such as, going to places that aren’t safe for me, and giving up when things get hard. Life is a huge cycle of making mistakes and learning from them. That is why people can become so wise and strong in what they do, they make good out of the bad.
I also see people close to me using problems and mistakes to make a good situation out of a bad one. My parents, my brothers, and my closest friends are all slowly building up the knowledge to be successful. How can a person be more successful by forgetting what they have already learned? That doesn’t push you forward it just holds a person back. Even if a person wanted to forget their past, they couldn’t. It’s like forgetting that if a stove is turned on and you touch it, it will burn you.
@vmiller7723
I literally laughed. You’re going to criticize my causally written comments, especially in comparison to your essay? Go take the SAT and see what score you get; I couldn’t care less. I already got an essay score of 11 and am done with the SAT.
That example essay is not bad. It is better with grammar, thesis, and organization, while yours is better with supporting details and diction. Are you saying your essay is better than the example one?
You think I’m “just ****,” and that’s fine. I can’t change what or how you think. However, I gave you a grade, specifying why I graded you down in certain areas. If you wanted someone to just say “9” or even “4,” without much explanation about what you did right and how you can improve, you’ll probably find better results from elsewhere. But again, you said you want something that can help you, so you came to CC. Yet, now you dislike my comments, ignore them, and challenge me on my own grammar.
I sincerely doubt you’re looking for honest advice. If you were, you could have ignored my grade and focused on my comments. Other people on CC have responded to me by writing more essays for me to grade, and they incorporate my comments and improve their score, regardless of their beginning score. You’re wasting time arguing with me. By now, I don’t care how well you wrote that essay, and you don’t seem to either.
I’m not getting anything out of this either, so I’ll stop here.