Grade My Essay Please

<p>This is my first SAT essay, in 25 minutes [almost exactly]. It's from the SAT Blue Book.</p>

<p>Prompt: "To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within."</p>

<p>Assignment: What motivates people to change? Plan and write and essay...blah blah blah.</p>

<p>Essay: "People are typically motivated to change by a realization that their old habits are now outmoded, and that to move forward and embrace new and different habits is the best course of action.</p>

<p>The novel I Am Legend demonstrates a motivation toward change. In this story, a scientist finds himself the last living human in a world populated by vampires. For a time, he battles the vampires and searches for a "cure" to return the vampires to humanity. However, his efforts are ultimately futile, and he cannot find a solution. The scientist finally realizes that, rather than change the world to suit himself, he must change himself to suit it - that a new world has risen, and he is not a part of it. Thus, the scientist, discovering that his way of life no longer makes sense, kills himself and allows the vampire world to continue, knowing that this change is the most logical course of action.</p>

<p>I also demonstrated a motivation to change, during my Sophomore year of high school. Up to this point, my grades had been decidedly "average" - I rarely challenged myself or worked hard. However, when I realized that it would take more than "average" to enroll in the college I wanted to, or pursue the career I dreamed of, I made a commitment to change. Once I realized that my old habits were incongruous with the future I hoped for, I worked much harder and therefore saw an upturn in both my grades and the possibilities for my future.</p>

<p>Finally, examples of motivation to change can be found throughout the course of human history. Since the beginning of mankind, people have searched for ways to change, and therefore improve their lives. From utilizing fire to warm our bodies, cook our food, and provide light, to developing faster and more powerful supercomputers to solve incredibly complex mathematical problems, we as humans have always possessed a motivation to change in hope of a better future.</p>

<p>Therefore, it is clear that people have frequently been motivated to change, most often by the realization that doing so will ultimately produce satisfactory results."</p>

<p>On a second reading, there seem to be a lot of errors. Oh well. </p>

<p>Don't pull any punches :)</p>

<p>Bump.</p>

<p>10 characters?</p>

<p>Twelve, although it could have touched a little more on "what motivates people to change" through the examples.</p>

<p>It's a 11~12/12 essay. I haven't read it though :D. The length is long enough. XD</p>

<p>10.</p>

<p>I get what you're trying to say after reflecting and thinking about it. However, readers probably aren't going to think about deeply, if at all. It sound standard, a bit boring, and a little vague. It's like you're skirting around with words trying to grasp what motivates people to change -- you feel it, but can't exactly express that thought with words. I'm left with the impression that you really want me to be convinced, but I can't imagine why I should be.</p>

<p>So to improve: use stronger words (active verbs, more vivid descriptions, etc.), vary your sentence structure, explore your ideas more (2 thorough example paragraphs are better than 3 rudimentary ones).</p>

<p>I'm not much of an essay writer myself, but I think that this would probably be an 8 and not a 10 or the 11-12 that others have posted on here. </p>

<p>My reason for this is because there isnt really an introduction and you kind of just jump straight into the examples. The examples aren't very strong either and could probably use more elaboration. The diction you use is also largely the same, such as the rehashing of "motivation to change".</p>

<p>By the way those who said 11-12, are being a little TOO generous, because a 12 essay is REALLY, REALLY GOOD.</p>

<p>Nah content is not that important. MIT prof recommends that you write as much as possible while b.sing all of them. (See the New York Time article.)</p>

<p>However, do not write in SAT-style in-school :D.</p>

<p>^ could you link me to that article?</p>

<p>Really, an 8? Because I've seen some of the essay's that scored 12's, and they didn't seem to impressive.</p>

<p>Well, I'm not a grader, but I've seen a couple essays from my friends and ones posted by other CCers who have had their essays graded. The 10s look decent and the 12s are usually much better than the 10s.</p>

<p>The article from New York Times</p>

<p><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/04/education/04education.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/04/education/04education.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>This link was recently brought up on CC again. Enjoy. Quantity > Quality on SAT essay.</p>

<p>Mmm, I'm fairly certain that would be about an 11-12. The essay really isn't that hard, you just have to have a strong vocabulary and a good knowledge of grammar rules to get a 12.</p>

<p>No doubt...but I'm fairly certain you need to have both if you plan on scoring a 10+. I have a friend who writes a bunch of quantity but with a bunch of bad quality and only scored a 7 on his essay. Did you score a 12 on your essay Shifu?</p>

<p>^^^ thanks :)</p>