SAT Essay CB Study-Guide 2004-2005

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Please grade my essay out of 12 and give me some feedbacks.

Prompt:

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

People who like to think of themselves as tough-minded and realistic tend to take it for granted that human nature is “selfish” and that life is a struggle in which only the fittest may survive. According to this view, the basic law by which people must live is the law of the jungle. The“fittest”are those people who can bring to the struggle superior force, superior cunning, and superior ruthlessness.
Adapted from S.I. Hayakawa, Language in Thought and Action

Assignment: Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Essay:

In the jungle of modern world, people engage since birth in a harsh competition. At birth, a child enters into the world of modern day society where it is harsh and competitive. As a child progresses through life into adulthood, his or her success and glory cannot, thus, be achieved overnight or by a slice of good fortunate. That’s why one must highly competitive, persistent and hard worker are the necessary ingredient for success.

Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, was fully aware of the dilemma he had to face. He must invent a sophisticated electronic device with magnificent application and a smooth use. But, it wouldn’t be easy. He kept in mind that the market is completely full of business magnets, tycoons and bright minds. As a result, he started his tough competition by introducing Apple products that are new, well-crafted and a state-of-art. By being competitive, Steve Jobs succeed and rapt the fruit of his wit, wisdom and long sight. He demonstrated that one should think, challenge the obsolete and compete with high level of commitment and dedication. He understood the rules of the game and competed with teeth and nails. Ultimately, he achieved not only success and glory but also immortality due to his revolutionary approach and competitively.

Similarly to Steve Jobs experience, Adam Smith’s book “For The Wealth Of Nations” illustrates the basis of capitalism by putting emphasis on competitive market. He conveys the idea that society cannot five a reward for the sluggish, the dull, the overbearing and the reticent who shun competition and prefer to watch. The book suggests that the prosperity, the thrive and the progress of a nation are based on a competitive-economic system which favored creativity, and glorify the hard-working and skillful. In a word, economic exalt manifested in growth, high GDP and low unemployment rate is the result of a competitive people who demonstrates their character, resilience, perseverance and persistence in the market.

To sum up, I find that competing, struggling and fighting for the right to contest the greatest prize in life which is success, is vital in modern life. No one could perform or find a ground-breaking theory or craft a revolutionary technological device without devoting his mind, forces and abilities to a life long competion.

2

I would give you an 8/12. Overall, you have good points. Here are a few things which you could improve on:

It is important to have a strong thesis within the introduction. Mention your body paragraphs’ examples in this thesis. For example, you could say “Competitiveness is a key ingredient in achieving success for both individuals and aggregates, as demonstrated by Steve Jobs and the capitalistic market defined by Adam Smith.” When you write your body paragraphs, make sure to always subtly link back to your thesis- there should be no doubt in the reader’s mind why the example is relevant to your topic.

Your organization could also be improved. Have a clear topic sentence for each paragraph, and clear points. While your examples are good, they’d be much better with an additional sentence or two of analysis and elaboration to link your example back to your main idea- sometimes this may seem repetitive, but it will really solidify you key ideas to the reader.

Try not to conclude with “To sum up.” It is overdone and too simple. If looking for a generic transition, use something else, like “overall.”

3

@shrimps: Thank you I am going to work on these points.
What do you think, I edited my essay according to your advices.

In the jungle of modern world, people engage since birth in a harsh competition. At birth, a child enters into the world of modern day society where it is harsh and competitive. As a child progresses through life into adulthood, his or her success and glory cannot, thus, be achieved overnight or by a slice of good fortunate. That’s why Competitiveness is a key ingredient in achieving success for both individuals and aggregates, as demonstrated by Steve Jobs and the capitalistic market defined by Adam Smith.

IT field is marked since its bloom in 1990s by a ruthless competition where buisness merge with technolgy .Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, was fully aware of the dilemma he had to face. He must invent a sophisticated electronic device with magnificent application and a smooth use. But, it wouldn’t be easy. He kept in mind that the market is completely full of business magnets, tycoons and bright minds. As a result, he started his tough competition by introducing Apple products that are new, well-crafted and a state-of-art. By being competitive, Steve Jobs succeed and rapt the fruit of his wit, wisdom and long sight. He demonstrated that one should think, challenge the obsolete and compete with high level of commitment and dedication. He understood the rules of the game and competed with teeth and nails. Ultimately, he achieved not only success and glory but also immortality due to his revolutionary approach and competitively.

Similarly to Steve Jobs experience, Adam Smith’s book “For The Wealth Of Nations” illustrates the basis of capitalism by putting emphasis on competitive market. He conveys the idea that society cannot five a reward for the sluggish, the dull, the overbearing and the reticent who shun competition and prefer to watch. The book suggests that the prosperity, the thrive and the progress of a nation are based on a competitive-economic system which favored creativity, and glorify the hard-working and skillful. In a word, economic exalt manifested in growth, high GDP and low unemployment rate is the result of a competitive people who demonstrates their character, resilience, perseverance and persistence in the market.

Overall, I find that competing, struggling and fighting for the right to contest the greatest prize in life which is success, is vital in modern life. No one could perform or find a ground-breaking theory or craft a revolutionary technological device without devoting his mind, forces and abilities to a life long competion.

4

“Advice” is uncountable.

5

Yes, that is better. Still, your essay needs to flow better. This is not something that I can point out to you and tell you to change- you mentioned that you are an international student, so I know writing in english might be weird, but try to read some books so that you get a better grasp of how your essay should flow. Good luck!