SAT Essay...Critique Please~

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1

Prompt: The best leaders are not those who seek power or have great political skill. Great leaders––and these are exceptionally rare, especially today––represent the best selves of the people they represent.

Assignment: What are the most important qualities of a leader?

ESSAY:

The best leaders are not necessarily the academic brains, the strongest, the ones most adroit in public speaking, or the ones who can come up with the most innovative inventions, contrary to the perception of many. The most important qualities of a leader are steadfastness and wisdom, as illustrated by examples from literature and history.

The protagonist in Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World is John the Savage, and he is not the brightest or the most popular. John the Savage came from his “uncivilized” world and entered the “civilized” world in Brave New World quite churlishly, according o the standards of that civilized world. John the Savage was entering into a new world, with many taboos that were previously unknown to him and a society that was utterly different from the one he came from; nevertheless, he tried his best to make the best of things and demonstrated his leadership abilities by trying to influence people and rouse them from their monotonous lifestyle. John the Savage was steadfast in his beliefs, and he led others to also embrace his beliefs in creativity and freedom. For example, as John the Savage talked to Helmholtz Watson, the elite of the elite in that society, John helped Helmholtz realize that it is possible to write poetry infused with dramatic, intense feelings. Until John came and enlightened Helmholtz, Helmholtz Watson did not know what emotions were (due to the social conditioning of the "civilized world he was born and bred in). John was a leader because he persisted in his beliefs in the face of mockery and trial, as many civilians made fun of him and tried to make him stray from his values by offering him soma (drugs) and emotionless sexual experiences (before marriage), which were against his values and which embodied the values of temporary happiness of the civilized world. Because John stuck to his beliefs and also shared these beliefs with others through his persistence and steadfastness to his beliefs, he is a leader who is recognized by many readers for his devotion to his values.

Queen Elizabeth demonstrates the leadership quality of wisdom. She utilizes great wisdom with her word choice, as can be seen in her speech to her troops at Tilbury in 1588 as the Spanish Armada was encroaching upon the lands of England. Queen Elizabeth I of England wisely chooses her words as she makes every word count. She also has justifications and motivations that appeal to each human desire––monetary reward for the money-lovers, God as a reason to fight for the religious, and other people for those who care about family. She also shows wisdom in leadership because of her wisdom in ruling, which led to the Elizabethan Age, during which playwrights, literature, and culture flourished, allowing the prolific playwright William Shakespeare to write and perform his famous and beloved plays. Queen Elizabeth demonstrated wisdom in her rule not only in her diction but also in political matters, which is why the Elizabethan Age came to be, as wells why she is renowned as a phenomenal leader.

Brave New World’s John the Savage and Queen Elizabeth demonstrate that steadfastness and wisdom are the most important qualities of a leader through their actions and their impact on others.

Please give me some feedback…I’ll also critique your essays if you send them to me! Any comment is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time~

2

I think this was a well-written essay. There are a few hiccups, but I’d say this is a 12.

3

Great essay. Well developed and strong body paragraphs. Try to develop the conclusion a little bit more though. Strong vocabulary sense shown through writing. 12/12

4

Could anyone grade mine as well? Different topic…

Prompt: Should people make more of an effort to keep things private?

 In today's day and age of modern technology, nothing remains private. Although many are against the presupposition that more of an effort should be made to keep things private, this is a fallacy and we greatly benefit from this "lack" of privacy. This is demonstrated lucidly by the death of Ryan Mangan, Malala Yousafzai's blog, and the "enhanced interrogation" following 9/11. 
 Consider the first case of the tragic 9/11 terrorist attack. Many were aghast at the death toll and the lack of security that allowed the terrorists to slip through. But many don't realize that in Guatanamo, after 9/11, "enhanced interrogation" was taking place to exonerate suspects and find the criminals responsible. Without private details being shared about the suspects' excruciating hardships and what they had to endure, no one would have stood up for these people's rights like Daisy Matthews, a prominent advocate of the anti-"enhanced interrogation" movement. We would be continuing this same unethical behavior. 
 Another reason for not keeping things private is the example of Malala Yousafzai. Her blog for the BBC documented her arduous journey in obtaining an education as an anti-Taliban young woman in Syria. Though proponents of making an effort to keep things private would vehemently argue that the Taliban eventually pursued her and made attempts to assassinate her, she opened up people's minds to the struggles of oppressed girls her age, allowed the "Free Education for Women in Syria" law to be passed, and inspired many people to express their opinions on many such tabboo topics. 
 Finally, keeping things private can allow killers to go free, unlike in the case of Ryan Mangan. He was murdered by a classmate named Dennis Thomas, who later posed in pictures with the corpse and uploaded them to Snapchat, an app that shares pictures with friends. The police were able to trace his phone and provide substantial evidence to jail Dennis, because of his disregard for privacy. If Dennis had not uploaded these pictures, Ryan's family wouldn't get closure for their son's death and this killer could walk away free with the potential to do more harm. 
In conclsuion, the three prominent archetypes provide a reason for loosening the reins on our privacy settings. The notion that a more public sharing of information and thoughts is better than hiding them is a categorical truth. Though proponents of more privacy may say otherwire, going public allows for truth, justice, and self-expression.

This was a full 2 pages. Please leave a score and some constructive criticism for improving because on the real thing, I would like a 12. Anything and everything is appreciated!! 

It should also be known that I fibbed/stretched the truth in some places, especially if I couldn't remember the details. (I hadn't slept the night before and wrote this with 10 minutes to spare :P) But I read that although we can't lie outright about obvious things, this is okay because the graders can't fact check and are told to treat everything like it's right.

(I realized when typing that in the second sentence I say "Many are against keeping things private" when I really meant to say "Many are against making things public" because I'm for going public. Would points be taken off for a mistake like this even if I correct myself later on?)
5

@xxxblueberry:
I think your essay is good and not as terrible as you mentioned. It’s good to be a humble guy because it’s the first step to learn.
You repeated the word enter in differnt forms too much, some words like “churlishly” are not even english words.
There are some grammar, style and usage mistakes that disturbed the flow of your essay.
Your first example is out of context. You didn’t show us how the protagonist is a leader and your example s not linked to the thesis. There are a lot of broad generalizations and uninteresting informations.
Also, judging from my study of Brave New World, John is by no mean a leader. He tried to lead an intellectual uprising but failed. I don’t how you will prove that he is a leader. This failure to clearly underline decisive qualities of a leader through the character of John harmed your score.
Your second example is slightly better because you made an introducing sentence that make the subject of the paragraph clear to the reader. But, the style need more work.
For example: (She also shows “wisdom” in leadership because of her “wisdom” in ruling) She showed wisdom because of “wisdom”.Personally,I don’t know how?
Your conclusion is concise and straightforward but need more thoroughness.
Personally , I don’t know how guys gave you a solid 12 ! It’s crazy ! Don’t trust these grades. I am sure they didn’t read your essay.
I’ll give it an 8.

6

I’d give this essay an 8-9. There are quite a few grammar mistakes, and in the first paragraph you didn’t show that John is a leader. You should have made it clear why he is a leader first before going into detail. You said that he ‘‘demonstrated his leadership abilities by trying to influence people and rouse them from their monotonous lifestyle’’, but this doesn’t really prove that he’s a leader. It’s one thing to try to do something, and another to actually complete sth successfully. Maybe you could have mentioned that he did something great, or that he influenced (not tried to influence) people, and how he influenced them. Also, keep in mind that the essay graders are supposed to not care about the accuracy of your examples.