SAT Essay feedback please!

<p>Hi guys! I decided I'd done enough MC preparation and I really need to get started on my essay prep, but instead of actually looking through tips I just decided to go with my gut and see how well I do on my first try, then learn from criticism. I'm pretty sure my examples were meh (especially by using Einstein! what was I thinking?) but I did do it within the time limit and I'm relatively satisfied with it. I would love it if some of you lovely people could grade me on the 2-12 scale or anything equivalent. </p>

<p>PROMPT:
Think carefully about the issue presented int eh following excerpt and the assignment below. </p>

<p>We almost always tend to treat people on the basis of what they have done: the star athlete is recognized and rewarded with a college scholarship, while the lawbreaker is prosecuted and punished. But our past deeds provide only a partial measure of our real worth as human beings. We should be treated according to what we are capable of accomplishing, regardless of what we may or may not have actually done. </p>

<p>ASSIGNMENT:
Should people be treated according to what they are capable of achieving instead of what they have actually done? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>––––––––</p>

<p>ESSAY:
As a race, humans often misjudge each other based on financial, political and social terms; oftentimes in the process, true genius is disregarded and left behind due to the prejudices that society retains. People should be judged primarily on their inherent ability rather than their past achievements.</p>

<p>Albert Einstein, arguably the greatest scientist of this era, is an obvious example for this topic. As a child he showed no capacity for genius - on the contrary, he struggled from speech impediments and learning disorders from a very young age. His teachers disregarded him and no doubt regretted it as they saw who he would develop into. Einstein's genius is the foundation of physics as humanity knows it - and yet, where would society be had it just ignored him instead of embracing and nurturing his abilities? Oftentimes it is uncommon for intelligence to be seen immediately, and that is why people should be judged based on their inherent abilities. </p>

<p>Another prominent example is that of Wu Ze Tian, one of the most powerful women in Ancient Chinese history. As a woman from the countryside, she possessed nothing and theoretically should have led a life of poverty as was common for peasants in those days. Instead, she defied expectations - she became a concubine and through both hard work and deviousness she became the Emperor's Consort. Furthermore, within a few decades she had, in essence, ascended the throne; her reforms, though at times ruthless, were revolutionary and benefited China greatly, bringing a new age of prosperity to the people. To achieve so much should have been impossible for a rural farm girl. But like Einstein, Wu Ze Tian possessed the resolve and an inherent ability to achieve. If society does not embrace these people, society will simply cease to achieve. </p>

<p>Similarly is the character of Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Because of her low status, her family if often regarded by others as essentially trash and even her love interest, Mr. Darcy, is conflicted by her lineage. Although Elizabeth certainly isn't a genius, she possesses wit, beauty, and skill that contrasts with her birth, defying the expectations of those higher classes in the novel. It is she that ends up married to the wealthiest character of the book because of her inborn intelligence and likeability. Once again, society has expressed that people are weighted by their achievements rather than their ability, and once again society is proved incorrect by a prominent character. </p>

<p>To judge a person based upon the opportunities, either financial, political, or social that they have had is inherently wrong. Humanity as a whole must learn to embrace those born of lower status and allow for their abilities to develop so that these individuals can contribute to society in a positive manner as well. </p>

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<p>wow, i think it's gotten worse from the last time I read it. Please don't comment on the specificity of/the actual examples because I know I need to work on that. And I had a really quick question––by two pages being ideal, do you guys mean back and front (do I even have enough)? I've been getting 790 on my writing MCs, so the essay is imperative at this point. THIS IS AN ACTUAL SAT PROMPT.</p>

<p>Thank you so much! Have a wonderful day :')</p>

<p>^I don’t have a problem with the use of the word consort. If the Emperor’s Consort denotes a different status than simply “wife” you should use consort.</p>

<p>I liked this essay. You are succinct and have interesting examples (though some of the applications are more of a stretch). Write as many practice essays as you can, and the examples will come easier.</p>

<p>You did have a couple holes in logic, however. When reading the prompt, the first thing that jumped out to me is that it is nearly impossible to measure aptitude apart from achievement. Each of your examples had aptitude, certainly, but they exhibited that aptitude through achievement. How would we have known of Wu Zhe Tian’s ability if she had not left such a mark on history?</p>

<p>I don’t know if that would actually make a big difference in your score, but it’s worth considering in future essays.</p>

<p>This is clearly the work of an uncommonly talented, skilled, and intuitive writer.</p>

<p>For now, I implore you to ignore all input and “feedback” from peers or even mentors here.</p>

<p>Do NOT heed any “tips and tricks” you might find on this or any other website. </p>

<p>I see a couple very minor issues but I’d like to see another sample essay before going into any detail as I don’t want to poison the waters here.</p>

<p>This is certainly—without question—a double-digit paper.</p>

<p>Again, please post another.</p>

<p>If you aren’t planning to take the AP English test(s), start planning.</p>

<p>There’s no need for you to waste your time in a freshman composition class.</p>

<p>Registration deadline for AP testing is mid-March.</p>

<p>Look into it and sign up even if you aren’t currently taking an AP English class.</p>

<p>Thank you for replying everyone!</p>

<p>@tp97: I have to disagree - consorts are very different from wives and I found it necessary to use the word, not as a way to bulk up my vocab but for reasons of accuracy. What other words from my essay would you say were “forced”? I try to never use “fancy” words unless they come naturally while I’m writing (i.e. a part of my vocabulary already), so I’m at a loss in terms of that comment. And thank you for your opinion, but how is it wrong to compare her to Einstein? Are varied examples not what the college board wants? And no, I have no idea who AcademicHacker is - as I mentioned above, I’m trying not to look at any guides/tips at this point just to feel around and see how I’m doing. Sorry. I will keep what you said in mind! Thank you for your time (:</p>

<p>@warriordaughter: I agree with what you’ve said and I pretty distinctly remember having trouble interpreting the prompt, so you’ve got a good eye. I’ll definitely consider that when I’m doing my next essay! Thanks! </p>

<p>@jkjeremy: THIS MADE ME REALLY HAPPY. You seem to be a pretty reliable source on this forum and I’m so glad that I seem to be on the right path. I’m currently in my junior year and taking AP Lang so there’s no need to worry! </p>

<p>Thank you for your encouragement - I will post another sample essay whenever I have time (schoolwork is taking up most my life since my teachers cram things in at this time of the year). If it’s alright, could I PM you when I do get it up?</p>

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<p>I’m glad to have encouraged you.</p>

<p>By all means PM your next practice paper if you’d like.</p>

<p>The one you posted above isn’t flawless; no timed essay ever can be. As I said, I want to see one more before making any suggestions as the little issues on this one might just be aberrations.</p>

<p>To be clear about something else…I don’t mean to denigrate the benevolent intentions of others here. Some of the input is legit. However, much of it isn’t and I’d hate to see you put into practice anything that could detract from your very real chance to receive a 12 on this thing.</p>