Someone grade my essay? Please?

<p>I used to get 10's on my essays, but for the past three practice exams I took from testmasters, I got 8's. I'm following the testmasters essay format and filling up the page, but I keep getting 8's. Can someone tell me what I'm doing wrong? </p>

<p>The following essay scored an 8.</p>

<p>Topic: Are people best defined by what they do?</p>

<p>The topic "Are people defined by what they do?" suggests that one's actions reflect his character. In other words, society will remember individuals for what they have done. In my opinion, people are always commemorated for their actions, since actions speak louder than words. Throughout history and within society, the evidence to support my viewpoint is pervasive. </p>

<p>Mediate upon Dr. Martin Luther King Kr, the civil rights activist who gallantly fought for social equality in the 1960's. King was the epitome of the social reformist; he organized countless strikes, non-violent protests, and eloquent speeches. Even after he was assassinated in his motel room, he became a martyr, a symbol of hope and strength for eradicating racial discrimination. Had King not vehemently fought for African-American civil rights, he would not be remembered as the successful social reformist he is today; his actions defined him as a political activist. </p>

<p>Now, consider the life of Albert Einstein, who came up with countless theories and hypotheses regarding physics in the 20th century. The name Einstein is ubiquitous- everybody in the world knows who he is, for is did not exist, the theories of general and special relativity would not exit, and along with them the famous equation, E= mc2. Einstein was an individual because only he developed such phenomenal and revolutionary scientific ideas. Einstein's actions, the countless hours conducting experiments, the constant thinking he went through, and the arduous research he performed, all define him as a man of science, a man whose great intellect and achievements caused him to be the scientist of the century. </p>

<p>Finally, think about Yuri Zhivago, the Russian Doctor who lives through hardships, romance, and great enlightenment during the years of the Russian Revolution in Boris Pasternak's novel, Dr. Zhivago. Yuri is a man who loves nature and humanity; his great affection causes him to stay optimistic and affectionate even in the turbulent years of the Russian Revolution. Despite the famine and the chaos, Yuri was able to write poems about nature, live peacefully, and even indulge in a romantic life. His actions define him as an artistic man whose love for nature and humanity prevailed during the times of great calamity. </p>

<p>The examples above all show how actions define who someone is. Einstein's great scientific achievements define his as one of mankind's greatest scientists. Yuri Zhivago's actions define him as an optimistic individual in lieu of the chaos and troubles. "Actions speak louder than words," the old maxim goes; the more we take action, the more we know about ourselves.</p>

<p>I’m not a native speaker but I think that there are some mistakes (I’m not sure)
a commemoration for sb or sth /commemorate sth (celebrate sth)–> Not commemorate for
“Mediate upon Dr. Martin Luther King Kr” this clause doesn’t have a verb
“for is did not exist” weird tell me if I’m wrong.
In the third paragraph "a russian doctor who lives"lives–>lived
I noticed another mistake like that in this paragraph</p>

<p>Overall I think that you could have a better grade if you had put in your essay an well-rounded introduction to let the reader have a global view rather than being elusive “Throughout history and within society, the evidence to support my viewpoint is pervasive”
You may change your introductory sentence because it lets a bad impression from the start.
a too basic sentence: The topic “Are people defined by what they do?”</p>

<p>You should use shorter sentences to make your essay clearer. I mean, certain sentences are very wordy with a lot of subjective adjectives.–> you’ve to demonstrate your point of view as a pragmatic, not a bard.
you used “countless” several times along the essay.</p>

<p>I honestly don’t think that I could do better, I’m not fluent and the words may not come into my mind during the exam… but your essay’s good and I think that few rectifications could help you (for) getting a better grade [what do you guys think of this “for”, is it wrong?]</p>

<p>Scores of 8 generally mean that the essay is written adequately as far as grammar, sentence structure and organization are concerned and that the content is average and generally what one might expect from a writer who has some familiarity with the content of their high school classes, but has not pursued any further knowledge on their own.</p>

<p>If you look at what you actually say about Dr. King and Prof Einstein, you should be able to see that your descriptions of what they did are very general and do not refer to any specific actions. What do you really know about them? Have you actually read Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech or his “Letter from a Birmingham Jail”? What did he do just before and just after they were written? What did they say?</p>

<p>If you want 10’s again, you will have to start thinking about the actual intellectual content of what you say.</p>

<p>Besides grammar mistakes and sentence structure (those usually happen to everybody), I think you should try using examples that are not commonly known. The first two examples of Dr. King and Albert Einstein are two very popular people. The people who are grading your essays will probably skim your first two examples, because they already know who these people are. On the other hand, your third person was amazing. I don’t even know who Zhivago is, and probably not many people do.<br>
So in all, if you’re taking a history class or something, you somebody from there who’s not widely known. Or even research some person who did something amazing, or made a difference in the world.
Then once you receive your prompt, you’ll have a very good chance of tweaking your people to the prompt.</p>

<p>Your essay score has nothing to do with your examples. As long as your examples make sense, the graders mark your essay not based on content, but based on the quality of your writing. It takes a lot of practice and extra reading to try to figure out how to word your English more elegantly and fluently, but it’s possible, so don’t give up. Cause basically, your language use is just a bit awkward right now. But lots of practice should eventually begin to fix that.</p>

<p>In the meantime, keep up those other SAT essay strategies, like writing as much as possible and having at least four paragraphs with solid examples.</p>