We had a student whose parents made her apply ED to an ivy even though she wanted to major in music elsewhere. Once the ED failed she was able to go where she wanted.
I agree you need to find an adult who can provide support. Perhaps someone knows of a child services program in indiana.
Another possible tactic is to find more adult allies.
If you have a day off of school, try to get your dad to take you to his office on the pretext of seeing what the work is like and perhaps informally interviewing for an internship. Ask his colleagues, in his presence, where they went to school and what they think of as good colleges. Some will have gone to Big Name institutions, but many may have gone to smaller schools. On your next trip to the doctor’s, ask them where they went to school and what they think of as a good college (although many doctors put the diplomas on the wall so you can see this yourself). If you belong to a church, talk to your pastor about colleges.
I’m not Chinese so I only know this from a distance, but one of the things that I’ve seen about my Chinese friends is that they are much more likely to listen to you if you are their age or older, and they often will not listen to someone who is younger. Your parents believe that they know what is best, they often just won’t hear what you say unless you find a way for someone else to amplify your message. Many adults have fulfilling lives without going to big name schools. Find some of those adults and have them speak for you.
@honeymustard do you have any adult relatives that you can have an honest relationship with? A relative who is not as ingrained with the strict Asian culture and could reason with your parents? Do not bother talking with relatives who you know will agree with your parents.
If there are no adult relatives, start looking at your current teachers at school. Pay attention to which ones seem to actually care about their students, and find one or two to approach. You don’t have to share your situation right away, but speak with them about something academic, ask their opinion on a paper you are writing, or ask for help understanding a math concept. Check their reaction, their willingness to take time with you, and maybe over time you can find a teacher you can trust with your family situation. If a trusted teacher notices signs of physical abuse, and pulls you aside to ask about it, consider not lying to protect your parents. But be honest about your past experience with CPS, and your low expectations.
Maybe if the teacher calls for a parent/teacher conference, they can express that the stress you are under is actually hurting your academic progress. Only you know if your parents would listen to a teacher’s advice, or just dismiss it.
@curiouspup I told a parent like that to let her daughter do what she wanted for god’s sake but she wanted her to get into only big name colleges because she felt her daughter with perfect gpa and test scores will get into one of top colleges. I told her US college Admission does not work like that. It was only after her daughter got denied by all top 5 colleges that she allowed her daughter to go to another college. Even then she had to go to Berkeley instead of a small liberal school she wanted to go to. My kid told me he found out that we were the only parents who put no pressure on him about studying or his college selection among his friends. We were all ok because in the worst scenario he had a decent back up school at Honors College at top 120 ranked state school with free tuition. There are worse things in life than going to a decent college on free tuition.
Calmly, slowly, say something like this:
Mom, Dad, more than anything in the world I want to make you proud of me, I feel horrible every time I fail to meet your expectations. I know you want me to fulfill my potential, and I do too, and it makes me sad when I don’t do as well as I’d like. Please continue to believe in me and also please continue trying to help me be a better person.
My son has also successfully used the tactic yucca10 mentioned. This worked well on me - “Mom, I already feel bad about the grade, and you’re making me feel worse. I have work to do if I want to improve, and I won’t be able to do it unless you stop.” Your parents might lay off if they realize they are doing more harm than good, and that you have a handle on the situation.
@honeymustard , please come back to let us know how you are. Do your parents know yet about the
grades?
@websensation you have great advice!
While you might perceive your parents as being tyrannical and unreasonable, that is how Chinese parents show their love for their kids. They use every lever they can to help you succeed, and it sometimes does not make sense in an American context. With the one child policy, all of their efforts were centered on helping that child succeed. You have to understand their perspective. If they were raised in China, they experience a both very harsh environment and their advancement was predicated on high performance in exams. Do well, and the possibility of a good life was assured. Do poorly, and you might end up in a menial job or worse. They didn’t have the luxury of do-overs and multiple paths.
No matter how much you explain the American system they won’t internalize it, because it is so foreign to their experience.
You can also use that to your advantage. Your parents will probably pay for tutoring and extra classes. They will be very pleased that you show initiative. Presumably you want to do well too. Try to de-stress by getting some exercise or having some fun with friends, and make sure your parents know that it helps you think more clearly. Sometimes it just takes some more communication instead of just agreeing to what they say.
Ummm, no. Most ethnic Chinese kids would be nowhere close to meeting that standards of the OP’s abusive tyrant parents. If it were an ethnic Chinese thing (as opposed to a tiger parent tyrant thing), there would be a lot more disowned ethnic Chinese kids or ethnic Chinese kids and parents being dealt with by CPS.
Granted, the tiger parent tyrant thing may be more common among immigrants from China who went through the elite-or-bust school-to-university system, but that does not make it the norm among that population, even if it is sufficiently common enough to be a well known stereotype.
You’re going to have to convince them or at least have them reconsider the college system in the US. First is that prestige of undergrad is not correlated with how well you do in the US. Grad school matters a lot more. Then, unlike Asia, there are tons of good colleges in the US, you don’t have to attend a top one to be successful.
Then, you need some evidence for the above - the best would be executives at your dad’s company, I doubt they all went to top-10 schools. Next would be fortune 500 CEOs - which would be people like Tim Cook of Apple (Auburn undergrad), any of the Waltons (Arkansas), there are a lot of these. This is the rule, the exception is Jeff Bezos (Princeton). Then would be the top colleges silicon valley recruits from, again you have to tell them that prestige does not matter in engineering and computer science. Good luck!
Hi there,
So sorry for you, honeymustard. Lots of good advice here. In the short-term, I would tell your parents calmly that you are not satisfied with the B+ either but you will work hard to bring up the final grade, with tutoring etc. as TooOld4School suggests. You could tell them that it is the final grade that matters for the GPA calculation (not sure if this is true at your school but your parents won’t know that).
In the meantime, try to immerse yourself in your new school experience. This is how you will find adult allies, teacher recommendations, and a place to hang out away from home. I sense that you are holding back a bit as you mourn the loss of your old environment and friendships, and this is not helping you. Get involved in an EC that is related to your liberal arts ambitions - the literary magazine, theater, whatever interests you. It is hard to do, but please try. You just need one caring teacher or friend to not feel so isolated.
My husband is Asian American and as a grad student TA he worked with many students from your background. He’s had students in his office sobbing that they just couldn’t get a C or B in his class, and that they really just want to be teachers, or actors, or journalists but their parents won’t support them. Make sure you attend a school where you will be able to change majors easily, in case your parents insist on engineering or business when you start. It does get better in college.
In the meantime I hope you are taking care of yourself as best you can. You can try online counseling - some of it is available for free. Please reach out to a relative or other adult if you are feeling really low or your dad gets physical again. it doesn’t have to be the school counselor - there is probably at least one sympathetic teachers in your high school.
Hang in there and let us know how it goes!
@honeymustard What a situation for you to deal with…
I want to put this into 2 different themes here. The first is independence (getting out). The second is reconciliation (can you change them enough to deal with it).
Anyone who is physically abused, in my mind, should look hardest at the first option. If there is abuse, it won’t stop as you get older until they get help. It changes. The parent may switch to more verbal abuse as you grow more to their size. (Some never stop). So if this sounds like your situation, my advice is to plan your independence. This means a full tuition, room and board scholarship. Then stay at school and work in summers.
The only thing abusers respect and can’t control is your absence. (I presume they would not react by forcing you to stay (locking you in, etc).
If you think they can be moved in their views, then I wish you luck. Kids post on here a lot about this and it seems hard to change those parental views. It is sad. I’m sorry. You may need a school social worker to help intervene for the sake of your own mental health.
Agree with @HRSMom. I think the independence route is very empowering. Also, there seems to be a general consensus in our society that someone in the humanities can’t “make it” in life. That is not true. A lot of it has to do with where you live. LA, San Francisco, NY are barely livable on most 20-somethings’ starting wages. But if you go to a mid-sized city, you can create a good life for yourself with a humanities degree. Think about choosing a college based on where you want to land, geographically…and I would suggest that that’s NOT in your hometown. If there is physical abuse, please seek help.
As an Asian parent (ABC though) I have seen both extremes. There was one family we knew that had their son’s monthly schedule printed out on a spreadsheet with the precise times he needed to start/finish homework/extracurriculars. It got to a point where one time when my son came to the family’s house, the son got down on the floor prostrating himself in front of his parents asking for permission to go out with my son.
On the other hand, my son’s classmate (Chinese kid) was accepted to 3 Ivy League schools (Columbia, Dartmouth, and Princeton) as a History/Public Policy major and his parents didn’t care. In fact, they encouraged him to do what he was passionate in and he is currently at Princeton planning to study at Woody Woo.
I was probably less strict with my son than his mom was, but not insanely so. And the son jokes around at times saying that if Mom and Dad were the tiger parents, he would probably be studying engineering at Cornell instead of doing biology and history at his present school.
OP did not state his age but it definitely sounds like at least emotional abuse (possibly physical too) is involved. If it were me, I might think about going to a judge for an order of emancipation as a last resort. Or at least get good financial aid and cut his ties. Overbearing parents regardless of ethnic origins are a bad thing.
College financial aid generally depends on parental cooperation. The OP needs a full ride merit scholarship to remove the college financial leverage that the parents would otherwise have. Or do gap years of non-college until considered independent for financial aid purposes (age 24, military veteran, married).
I am sorry you are going through this, you have gotten a lot of good advice, I will only make a few suggestions. If you are afraid of talking to your parents, write a letter to them, write everything you have told us, write that you are scared of them, that you are about to slide into depression because of their attitude, write how the move has affected you. Like has been suggested also let them know that you want to do better than you are doing now and that you can do better with the help of a tutor, if money is not an issue, an academic coach can be useful. They love you and want so badly for you to succeed but do not realize that what they are doing will backfire. They grew up in Asia, and that is probably how their parents raised them, they do not realize that a child that grew up in US is different. I believe once they realize how you feel,they will calm down. Do not cut ties with your parents, work things out with them, life is difficult you don’t know when you will need them, and you don’t know who you are seeing for the last time. Getting a full ride is good but there are things money cannot buy, for example if you are seriously ill, you will need your parents. Good luck.
Hope everything went smoothly as you told your parents the grades you got yesterday. I can tell that you and your parents care about each other so much. As you care about their reaction of your grades, and they’re trying to watch your back for not losing the chance of success. Your anxiety actually come out of many things. Moving to a new place (a much smaller town compare to your previous one)-culture shock, adolescence hormone surge, parents pressure, peer pressure, all can cause bad mood. At this point, keep good relationship with both or one of your parents may help you dealing with the tough situation easier. Does one of them has softer heart than the other? Try to break the bund, and drag one of them into your boat. Every time you feel frustrated to face them, reach out to that parent first, and consult with that parent about how to cope with the strict one. Being independent is good point, but totally cut off their financial support is too complex for you to deal with now. Try to take small steps to be independent. Do your own laundry, clean your own bathroom, clean your own room, learn to drive, find a part time job to support your regular social activities. Junior year is the most stressful year for high school students. Use this tough situation as an opportunity to practice your communication skill for your future. Especially, you are going to explore the humanity field. Once you get through junior year, things will turn out a lot better. Good Luck!
I am also an Asian parent with one kid (not Chinese). I realized long time ago it’s my kid’s life, and he should find his own path. Although I feel grateful for our kid and love him to death, there is no way I am going to try to force a path upon him. I rather have a happy garbage truck driver of his own choice (just using this as an example) than an unhappy Senator or even CEO of Google company. Or even worse, a kid who chooses to end his life because of overbearing parents who contribute to his unhappiness. He will have enough problems in his life without his parents adding to his problems. My good relationship with my only kid is way more important to me. This has nothing to do with one’s culture.
I am an agnostic but there is one verse in the Bible that says something along the line of “Be still and pray.” Often, the best solution is to still your fears, worries and anger, and pray for your kid instead of telling your kid what he should do. Just love your kid. It’s greater than money, power and everything else in terms of changing a person. That’s what they will remember when you are dead and buried.
Also that’s how they will interact with you - a friend rather than an adversary - during the many decades of their adulthood until you are dead.