Dear Honeymustard,
How’s ur relationship with ur mom? Can u confide with her? Do u have siblings that u could confide with? If u could talk some sense into ur mom, that u r depressed, and their tiger-parenting r making ur life miserable, maybe, hopefully, they will back down a bit.
I am afraid that ur parents, esp. ur father, might not have the most successful career, and he is living his dream on u, and getting out his frustrations on u too?
Try to get ur own frustrations out by venting in places like here (but do be careful to protect ur identity), and focus on ur school work as much as possible. Please do remember that we could not choose our parents, but we could and do choose our own path. Take care of ur own life. U don’t live for ur parents.
Btw, Some Chinese parents r like that, grades and prestigious colleges r the only things they care about. There r so many wechat groups dedicated to how to get into ivy schools, parental braggings and comparisons r sometimes rampant. It is sad and depressing.
Hi everyone, thanks so much for all of the support. I told my parents few days ago about my report card and they’ve been giving me the silent treatment ever since. I’m not completely sure what might happen when they come out of it, but I’m pretty sure the list of free merit scholarships everyone has provided will be immensely helpful. I really appreciate having adult advice since I don’t really have that at home (or at school for that matter) but I’m so glad that there are supportive people out there.
The “silent treatment” is emotional abuse. I am so sorry this is your situation. I think it’s good that you are getting a reality check here on this message board. Do whatever you can to become independent of them as soon as you turn 18.
You might want to look into something like Americorps or Vista . If you serve a year for Americorps you get a TAXABLE education award equal to the max Pell grant, which is currently $5,920. You also get a modest living stipend during the year. This would help you with “start up” costs for college and/or make something of a dent in the amount that isn’t covered by any merit award.
Honeymustard, glad you check back. “Silent Treatment”, actually is not too bad. At least it gives you time to think about their next movement and plan for your reaction. I guess their next movement is to find a time to have a conversation with you. If they come to talk to you, or start a conversation on the dinner table, that will be the good opportunity for you to show your maturity. Try all your best not to freak out, and keep the civil talk with them as an adult. I know it is hard. But it is not rocket science either. All you need is to practice. Just don’t bring up too much emotion, focus on the topic of current reality of your grade and possible strategy for the rest of semester. If you can get the bomb landed softly, that is a success. Remember the goal is: 1. Have them trust you that you are mature enough to take care your own business. 2. Have them realize that you belong to 99% of normal kids, but not that top 1% ivy excellent sheep. And you are very happy with this. 3. Maybe it is too early to put this topic under your radar now, but if they bring it up, make an common college goal with them. You are very lucky that Indiana has several great colleges that charge very reasonable tuition like Notre Dame, Purdue. 4. If they want you to retake SAT, suggest the one during summer (June or August) so that you will have time to prepare without interfering your current courses. Be proactive, continue working things out with them.
I’m hoping for the OP’s sake that he’s an only child. Some Asian parents are notorious for pitting 1 kid against the other, especially if the other child is an academic ‘superstar.’ Or they fawn on a relative’s or friend’s child and ignore their own child.
The OP seems very mature beyond his years, possibly due to the rather toxic home environment. Hopefully he takes the advice given here to heart, but once he becomes independent, it’s best to cut the ties with the parents as if he becomes successful, they will want to take credit even though they don’t deserve any accolades.
Just a slight correction @PallXQ Notre Dame is a private, Catholic college and gives only a handful of merit scholarships each year. It’s very unlikely that the OP can get one because it literally is only a few. Otherwise, it’s quite expensive. The current estimated COA is just under $70,000 per year.
As an Asian-American parent, I’m always saddened whenever I come across a post like this. My first reaction upon reading this was that the OP needs to take care not to stereotype Asian parents, i.e., going from your parents to Chinese parents to Asian parents as if they’re all monolithic. Not all Asian parents are like your parents, and not all Chinese parents are like your parents, and not all parents are like yours.
Having said that, though, and speaking from my own personal experiences with those Chinese parents around me, the OP’s account isn’t all that foreign or shocking. It’s like Amy Chua’s “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” was a collective confessional for just about all Chinese parents that I’m familiar with. I found the book repulsive just as I found the OP’s account of his/her parents’s behavior repulsive. It reminds me of a very bright and talented Chinese-American kid whose piano teacher’s studio my son also belonged. This teacher would tell us how this poor girl would come to her lessons and just spend the whole time crying on the teacher’s shoulders because of her parents. This nice girl then started behaving in ways that alarmed me. She began to harass my son at a local youth orchestra that they were both members of, the kind of behavior that I just couldn’t associate with her after having known her for so long. I knew immediately that her parents had something to do with her behavior. My son was the concertmaster of the local youth orchestra and she the second chair. Apparently, she was so pressured to take over the concertmaster position from her parents that, unable to do so by ability, she started hating my son and started exhibiting obnoxious behavior directed at him. During one orchestra rehearsal, she even blurted out to the music director/conductor that she doesn’t like being seated in the back of the orchestra because her parents would punish her if she had been placed in the back. My son was miserable during that time until her parents eventually gave up on the idea of their daughter taking over the concertmaster position. She’s at Princeton now, seemingly and happily involved in everything but music. I’m SO HAPPY that she’s away from her toxic parents. When my son returns to Princeton next fall after this gap year, I hope they can become great friends.
My advice to the OP: 1) It’s OKAY to fight off your parental pressures. Remember, you have every right as a human being to be happy. If you need to, SCREAM at them to back off. You know what? They will, trust me on that. Their current silent treatment is actually a great sign. It means they’re powerless and simply don’t know what to do with you. After all, what CAN they do that they have absolutely no control over? You’ve led all your life that your parents are the all powerful and all knowing. Nope. They’re as scared as mice in front of a gentle cat. When I, as an Asian-American teenager some decades ago, rebelled against my dad for the first time in my life, it was a liberating experience. The dynamics of my relationship with my dad changed forever at that moment. I saw my dad as what he really was, and my love for him began at that moment – when he showed that he was just another helpless human being just like everyone else. The same thing with my relationship now with my oldest son. I trust that he’s an empowered individual doing things that he loves and continue on with his life’s path that only he can dictate. 2) If 1) is difficult to do at this time, bide your time until you go off to college. Use your college distance to your advantage to establish independence from your parents. Once you’ve established that safe distance and your own independence, then dictate your life entirely according to your wishes, dreams and directions. Your love for your own parents can only come afterward. Forget about all that Confucian filial piety and such BS for now. That’s all good only after you’ve become a free and independent person.
Hi everyone, my parents broke the silent treatment on me recently. They told me that it was entirely my fault for getting a B Plus (true) and that it was entirely because I sleep too much. They told me that my 7 hours of sleep didn’t make sense for someone who wanted to get straight As since according to them, most high-acheiving juniors only get 3-4 hours of sleep. They told me that if I really wanted to do well in school, I would join their friends’ kids and start sleeping at 4 AM too. They’re now forcing me to go to bed at 3 AM at the earliest every day in order to get better grades and start “giving myself the best possible advantage for the Ivies”. I’ve gotten 3 hours of sleep a couple of times before, but normally it just results in me falling asleep in class. I’m not sure what to do here; I can’t really trust any of the teachers that I have (most of the teachers at my school are extremely apathetic, probably at least partly because of how badly the students treat them) and I don’t have any other relative to turn to since they all live in China. I guess I’ll just join the legion of sleep-deprived CCers lmao
Doctor. Go to the doctor with your parents – or at least one of them. Ask the doctor – in front of your parents – whether it’s OK to get three or four hours of sleep every night. Clearly, he’ll say no, that teens need a lot of sleep.
@honeymustard No, no no. This isn’t right. I’m not a parent, I’m a high school senior lurking on this thread. Your parents telling you to sleep at 4 AM is unacceptable. That is abuse, while it may not seem like it, it is. Everything you’ve said about your parents points to abuse.
My parents immigrated from India the year before I was born. I’m not aiming for ivy leagues, I’m planning on going to art school, so maybe you can’t relate to me. However, in the past year I started stressing out about my art portfolio. I would force myself to stay up til 2 AM painting, drawing, or working on anything to make my portfolio seem perfect. My parents found out about this two months ago and were so upset, because I was damaging my mental health with the lack of sleep I was getting, and my grades were suffering because of the lack of sleep.
That’s how the response should be, NOT the other way around. Our brains will keep developing until we’re in our mid-20s, til then we need at least 8 hours of sleep! And even after that point, you should still aim for 7!
And from what you’ve said about your parents, this isn’t an “asian parent thing”. This is an abusive parent thing. Do not settle, do not just say “oh well”. You do not deserve to be treated like this. If you can’t find an adult you can trust, reach out to a friend, an official, anyone who may be able to make a difference. Please. Things will not get better if you just settle for this abuse.
Be bold and tell your parents to screw themselves. Try that, and it will do wonders!! Two days ago, my heart sank when I learned of a suicide of a Chinese-American student at Princeton. There ARE alternatives, one being telling your parents to screw themselves. Seriously.
Sleep deprivation will probably result in worse grades, crushing your parents’ Ivy League dreams. Unfortunately, that will probably result in worse abuse.
Three or fours hours is NOT enough sleep for anyone and is counterproductive because your brain just cannot perform well under those conditions. It’s OK for a night here or there, but it’s unhealthy and even dangerous in the long term. OP, I’ve been reading this thread and trying to decide where your parents’ behavior falls on the spectrum between different cultural practices and abuse. Even if your parents think this is what is best for you, it now crosses the line into abuse. You really must find a responsible adult you can trust to confide in at your school or in your community. Do you know anyone you can talk to? How, exactly do your parents force you? Unless you feel physically threatened and afraid, you absolutely have a right to refuse to stay up that late. If you feel afraid for your safety, get help immediately!
Your counselor does NOT literally hate you. I don’t know why so many kids think that, but it is never in the counselor’s, or the school’s, interest to hate a student. Not trying to be harsh. Please go right to the head of the counseling department or the school psychologist and tell him/her what you have said here. Ask the counselor/sp to invite your parents to a meeting and let the counselor/sp tell them about your grades. Meanwhile, contact an adult relative you trust and explain the situation. Have that adult show your parents this thread. And I also think a job is a great idea.
Unfortunately I have a feeling that if OP’s parents meet with the school administration, it might turn into a ‘he said, she said situation’ or a case of ‘Ah Q syndrome’ as I call it (Google up Lu Xun and Ah Q). It has gotten to a point where I might just call Child Protective Services.
No normal parent would make their kid subsist on 4 hours of sleep to keep up with the Joneses (or Wangs in this case).
I agree with @inthegarden that this is borderline child abuse and that a trusted adult needs to intervene. Whether that is a pastor, the school psychologist, or the police officer assigned to the school, something needs to be done.
Staying up? What a terrible idea! Please look up Matthew Walker, Berkeley neuroscientist, on why we sleep, then show your parents so they can see for themselves how wrong they are.
3-4 hours of sleep every night is not sleep-deprived, it’s life-threatening. Put your foot down now. They can deny you sleep but they can’t make you actually study if you don’t want to. Eventually they’ll have to take it at your terms.
@honeymustard , The National Sleep Foundation says that teens need NINE hours of sleep per night. Most don’t (my daughter doesn’t, except on the weekend) but 3-4 is insane. It’s torture. It’s physical abuse as well as emotional abuse. This isn’t normal.
You’re a very good student (actually, an excellent student) and a fine child to have tried so hard to please your parents. Don’t let yourself brainwashed by them to feel ashamed. I’m wondering if you think the counselor hates you because you have absorbed so much shame from your parents. You deserve to be treated with respect. Please get help! But first, GO TO SLEEP!
@Lindagaf@inthegarden I’m not sure why all this talk about my counselor is coming up because I thought I already mentioned how she wasn’t reliable. I didn’t give this out as an example but another transfer student told her about her abusive father and their housing insecurity and my counselor decided to gossip about her to multiple other students… including me.
Thanks to those of you who’ve expressed concern over physical abuse. As for now, my parents can force me to stay up late because our apartment is small and they sleep near my desk. I’m not sure how to escape, especially because my parents don’t leave physical marks on me so they can’t forcibly remove me (or so says the last social worker who visited me).